Possum Country...

I live in a beautiful rural area...the mountains of East Tennessee and North Georgia are some of the most picturesque in the country....the predominant industry around here is still agriculture, for the most part...and, as a result of the sparseness of urban sprawl and the closeness of the Cherokee National Forest, we've got quite a bit of wildlife that wanders through our neighborhood..as of late, it has been a large covey of Bobwhite Quail...which, frankly, I'm getting TIRED of cleaning their chewed reamins out of my garage...Fred and Ginger make a MESS after they catch one of those fat little birds...they've mangled one every day now for almost two weeks...so, the covey won't be much of a problem for long...anyway, sorry for rambling...

A few nights ago, there was an "incident" here at Straight White House....

Around 8:30 in the evening, I was reclining on the couch...feet propped up on the ottoman...nursing my second Scotch and water, and watching The History Channel....after I finish reading blogs when I get home, this is my usual position...just relaxing, and mellowing down slowly before time for bed....

The Wife was sitting at the kitchen table reading...totally absorbed in her book....I had remarked to her earlier, as I went to pour myself my second drink, about how engrossed she was in her book...anyway, right beside our kitchen table, there is a door which leads onto our back deck...this door is glass from top to bottom...no big deal, it's just that this is important to the story...now, her chair was about two feet away from this door....the way she was seated, her back was to this door...

As I said, we live in the country...and, when it gets dark out here, it gets DARK...there are no street lights, and all of the neighbors have those track light things pointed towards their homes instead of street lights...

I'm sitting there quite content...beginning to feel the effects of my beverage, when I suddenly hear the most blood curdling scream of absolute terror you can imagine coming from the kitchen....and, I'm not talking short-sharp-shock here, people...I am talking long and SUSTAINED terror-scream...so, I jump off the couch, spill my Scotch, spin around the corner into the kitchen grabbing my 9mm off the book shelf as I round the corner......and there it was....the hideous object that had instantly caused my Wife to transform from gentle reader to quivering mass...and me to go from Laidback-Scotch-Drinking-Man to Combat-Mode-Ex-Marine....a damn possum...

It was standing on it's back legs...with it's front legs resting against the door...that sucker was two feet tall...and fat...and hairy...and dirty...it's hair was a combination of white, gray, black, and brown...with hunks of leaves, dead varmints, blood, and dirt mixed in with it....it was standing there, and it looked just like a little troll-beast...it's jaw was hanging slack, revealing the sharp teeth..those beady little eyes .....you know, it almost looked like it was smiling...the wife was still freaking out, screaming "what IS THAT THING?!"....sheesh...a damn possum...

So, I told her it was just a local varmint....and that it wasn't dangerous....I walked over and turned the outside deck light on...and the beast ambled off the deck and into the night...evidently, it had been standing on it's back legs and scratching the glass door with it's front legs...only a few feet away from the Wife..the noise had gradually torn her attention away from her book, and when she turned around, it was right there in her face....looking at her...with those teeth...heh...it scared the SHIT out of her....

But, hey, where she comes from, they don't HAVE possums.....so, you really can't blame her for thinking it was some kind of Tennessee maneater....what did she learn? She learned what a possum looked like, THAT'S for sure....she learned that if she screams bloody-murder, then I'm coming around the corner armed and ready for battle....and she learned never to sit with her back to that damn door again...

by Eric on December 13, 2003 | Comments(11) | SWG Stories
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: The Straight White Guy challenges us Military Bloggers
» Random Fate links with: Major Bejus speaks!

Comments so far:

But she's seen a haggis, right ?

Now those are SCARY !

posted by: siso on December 13, 2003 04:18 PM

Not dangerous?

They're ugly, teethy and rabid.

The one I ran over was already dead, but I think I could have lived with being the one responsible for its death.

(must be a good day to blog about opossums!)

posted by: Key on December 13, 2003 04:52 PM

Yep, they're ugly and teethy alright. Never heard about rabies in my area. Foxes and coons, yes. But, they really are harmless. As a child, many's the time I saw someone walking down the street, holding a possum by its tail, taking it home for supper. I'M SERIOUS, KEY!

posted by: Indigo on December 13, 2003 05:15 PM

For your sake, Indigo, I hope that "someone" wasn't the one in charge of dinner at your household!

posted by: Key on December 13, 2003 05:22 PM

Siso: The vilest, most repulsive Haggis ever to lumber down from the Grampians could not hold a CANDLE to the beast she saw here in Tennessee...that is a direct quote from her, by the way..

posted by: Eric on December 13, 2003 06:12 PM

Then she truly WAS scared !

Are you sure it wasn't your reflection in the sliding glass door ?


posted by: siso on December 13, 2003 07:58 PM

Nope, Siso...she was definitely screaming BEFORE I entered the room, heh!

posted by: Eric on December 13, 2003 08:01 PM

She must be from way up in the city. When we lived in Chicago, between downtown and Wrigley Field, we happened upon a possum on our front porch, and another in a doorway in a nearby business district.

Here in Milwaukee, walking distance from downtown, I saw a skunk on my front lawn doing the "Ahhh, mon cheri" routine with my neighbor's black cat one night. I saw an eight point trophy buck on a front lawn in one of the close-in suburbs last month during bow season.

posted by: triticale on December 13, 2003 09:31 PM

Triticale: She's is from TRULY possum-less country....Scotland....

posted by: Eric on December 13, 2003 09:35 PM

LMAO -oh my goodness that is funny. The same incident happened with me and Pepe le Pu. That's what we've named him now...........

I didnt' realize your wife was an expat, but that is hilarious, when I told Grant the story about the skunk crawling into the house and spraying the dog, he said...."You mean....there really is something that looks like Pepe Le Pu there?"

My reply was, yes baby...they are called wood kitties.

posted by: Ash on December 14, 2003 06:06 PM

Ash: Wood Kitties?!!?! I'd rather face down a rabid polar bear than a pissed off skunk...

As for the wife, she is an ex-pat now...I spent 8 years as one myself in HER country, so, she has some catching up to do!

posted by: Eric on December 14, 2003 07:36 PM