OK, Children....

Here goes....if I fucked this up in a major way, blame someone else, I don't wanna hear your shit...it's NEW YEAR'S EVE for crying out loud... ....and awaaay we gooooooooooooo!!....by the way, if you are looking at this in 800X600 resolution, please commence bitching...hehehehe....so, what do you think??

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by Eric on Dec 31, 2003 | Comments(21) | TrackBack (3) | Psycho Rants
» Random Fate links with: The Straight White Guy has redecorated
» She Who Will Be Obeyed! links with: Eric is Redecorating, Too!
» drowning at 2 feet sea level links with: Olive Eric

To Tide You Over..

Seeing as I've been having you all hang around and wait for my site's new clothes...I figured I'd better toss you circling sharks a treat...so...check out this little movie....I think it's a good idea....

Staff Motivation....

Enjoy....and come back later to see the new site...

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New Clothes Update

Well, it looks like I have to wait till this evening or early New Year's morning for the site's new clothes....hang in there, people....it will be worth waiting for!

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A Present for New Years..

Well, dear...gentle....sweet readers.....Courtesy of Madfish Willies and Pamibe....via HammerHead Blog Designs....I am proud to announce the following.....a proud presentation of..

"Drunken Eye for the Straight Guy"...

Yep...it is true....I was tied down and forced to look at mauve and floral patterns for DAYS by those two....in the end, they told me to shut the hell up, and they proceeded to change Straight White Website in to something a bit more interesting.....

I love their design...and, it will be coming either today or tomorrow....so, comments, suggestions, etc, etc.. are GREATLY appreciated.....the site is designed to be viewed in 1024 X 768...so, adjust the resolution of your monitor to view it properly....

Once again, a HUGE thank you to Michael and Pam for their Herculean efforts!!

Happy Hogmonay everyone!

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Digital Cameras

Remember the days before digital cameras?....not too long ago, eh?....ahhh...modern technology...it seems that every single day we hear of another new modern time-saver, the latest gadget for our pleasure....why, just yesterday, I was over at The Smoking Toaster...where I read about Bitterman's new wireless experience...of course, the fact that he was graphically describing his "situation" while he was using his new wireless device was a bit disturbing...it was a good story anyway...which, brings me in a round about way to my point about digital cameras...

Back in the days before digital cameras and the internet....I think we were a very repressed people...I heard someone say once, that the Internet had "set us free"...well, they were right...."set us free" from just what, I don't know...but it sure sounds good....as a matter of fact, the only thing that immediately leaps to mind is that the invention of the digital camera has allowed us to take photographs that we normally wouldn't have DARED to take....I mean...we've ALL waited at the photo counter in Wal-Mart and waited for some attendant to hand us our little pile of freshly developed holiday snaps....but.....with a DIGITAL camera, you don't have to WORRY about little Johnny at Wal-Mart seeing your "15th Anniversary Photos"...you know the ones....the ones of that trip you two took to Bermuda?....and that night, after too many Zombies? On the beach? Right there under the stars?....No one around except you, your Darling Wife...and your new digital camera that your 14 year old son bought for the occasion?....Ladies and Gentlemen....THAT is a recipe for disaster....

Here is the deal....ok.....Dad is gonna get home...download those onto his PC....you can see where this is headed, right?.....Momma is in the kitchen cooking dinner for the 14 year old......and Daddy is alone....in a room...with a computer filled with amateur porn of him and his wife on a beach in Bermuda...doing things that only a bad 70's soundtrack should accompany....and he's got an internet connection to the world....

Well....I'll just leave the rest up to your imagination....I'm sure you get the...uh...picture, right?....so, in conclusion...what exactly has the invention of the Internet and Digital Cameras freed us from?....I don't know....I really and truly don't......but it sure as HELL makes the Internet an interesting place.....and don't EVEN get me started on webcams...DAMN!

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You're Nothing But a Big LEWINSKY!

there....feel offended?....yeah, I didn't think so...but SHE is....and she went crying to the COPS.....man....people get their feelings hurt tooooooo damn easy these days....so the hell WHAT?...it's JUST a name....if all you have to worry about is someone calling you a name, then you are doing preeeeety damn good...there are a LOT of other things to worry about.....of course, calling someone "Monica", and then mentioning a cigar is a bit much for any civilized man...it may not be illegal...but it is offensive....he certainly deserves a good smack, but not by the courts....

KINGSTON, N.Y. -- Is it sexual harassment to call a young woman Monica Lewinsky?

The court has reinstated a sexual harassment lawsuit filed by former student Inbal Hayut against her professor. Hayut charged her professor at the State University of New York at New Paltz repeatedly compared her looks to former White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

The suit claims political science professor Alex Young called Hayut "Monica" in class and once told her that he would give her a cigar later. It was an apparent reference to allegations that President Bill Clinton used a cigar as a sex toy with Lewinsky.

Young hasn't denied the charges. A lower court had tossed out the case, saying the professor's comments were offensive, but not harassment.

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Spike Milligan....My Hero..

As a youngster, I was blissfully ignorant of the existence of Spike Milligan and the Goon Squad...after all, "British Humor" was not something that was found readily at the local backwoods library....nor did my Mother and Father have a huge collection of Monty Python records which they dragged out every other Friday night...so...I cut my teeth on "American Humor"...The Gong Show still rings in my mind as the absolute pinnacle of American Civilization...Mr. Barris, you rule....

...but...then I arrived in Scotland....Python, of course, was everyone's obsession...Blackadder, however, was my personal favorite....something about Baldrick and his "cunning plans"...but I can't quite pin it down....

Anyway, there were lots of crazy British shows that I came to love...Father Ted was incredible....Tommy Cooper..who I am SURE that Fozzy Bear was impersonating....Jeeves and Wooster was a perfect combination of wit and aristocracy..which is quite uncommon in Britain....and then, Spike Milligan....who wrote one of my very favorite poems...I have absolutely no idea what it means...but, I love it all the same....

On the Ning Nang Nong, by Spike Milligan...

On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
and the monkeys all say BOO!
There's a Nong Nang Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots jibber jabber joo.
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the mice go Clang
And you just can't catch 'em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning
Trees go ping
Nong Ning Nang
The mice go Clang
What a noisy place to belong
is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!!

Heh..have a nice night, kiddies....

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Anyone seen Fluffy?

No?....well, if you live in JAVA, then Fluffy ain't coming back anytime soon....why?....because Fluffy is being DIGESTED....by THIS....

JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) -- Indonesian villagers claim to have captured a python that is almost 49.21 feet (15 meters) long and weighs nearly 992.07 pounds (450 kilograms), a local official said Monday.

..and, of course....

Republika said the snake, which was caught last year but only recently put on public display, eats three or four dogs a month.

Reticulated pythons are the world's longest snakes. They are capable of eating animals as large as sheep, and have been known to attack and consume humans

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Eric's Movie Review..

Over the weekend.....the Wife and I watched Anger Management....

...man....that movie spoke to me on so many levels....I was moved...I was touched....it made me want another Martini....

...thanks, thanks....I appreciate it....you have just witnessed Eric's FIRST EVER Movie Review....

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In the name of all that's HOLY!

Dear Lord.....please....just shoot me now...

"William Shatner has recorded a new album featuring a guest appearance by US punk legend Henry Rollins.

Shatner, who played Captain James T Kirk in the original TV series of Star Trek, has also enlisted Joe Jackson and US country star Brad Paisley to guest on the album.

The album will be produced by Ben Folds, leader of the Ben Folds Five, reports the New York Post.

Shatner is generally acknowledged as having recorded the worst ever version of a Beatles' song.

He released his spoken word cover of Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds in 1968."

...dammit...it's TRUE....HERE is a link to the story...I'd give someone a dollar to assasinate TALK to Shatner before he can complete this heinous crime....Cap'n Kirk....we just CANNAE take much MOOOOOOORE!!

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A Pleasant Surprise...

Our postman delivered a small package yesterday evening to Straight White House....from none other than Mrs. Beth Donovan!....the package was opened with much anticipation....and inside was found a small metal tin...decorated in a festive motif...upon opening the tin, the smell of heaven filled the room....What is the smell of heaven?....well, it is hard to describe....but, I'll try....

In my world, Heaven smells of cinnamon....powdered sugar.... pecans.... nutmeg... whiskey... and friendship...

...and that was what was contained in that small, festive tin from Kansas...Thanks to you Beth and John! I must say this though, of the two types of homemade candy you sent, I must choose the Whiskey Balls as my favorite....although...sitting here this morning, the Pecan Balls go VERY well with a nice cup of coffee....

oh...and for those of you who are puzzled by this wonderful gift....it was my "prize" for designing the "Congress of Nekkid Bloggers" logo....thanks again to the Donovan Family!

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by Eric on Dec 28, 2003 | Comments(8) | TrackBack (1) | SWG Stories
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: How dense can greed make you and other things from the Blogroll.

A Cause...if you wish...

Almost a year ago, I got involved in the campaign to get the US Postal Service to issue a stamp in honor of GySgt. John Basilone, USMC. I helped collect signatures on a petition, and then duly mailed my signed petition back to Mr. Jaffe, of the James Paige Det. of the Marine Corps League....well, I have just been notified that many states have decided to name February 19th as John Basilone Day...namely, New Jersey, Maryland, Texas, South Dakota, Tennessee, and Virginia.....it is the goal of the Campaign to get all 50 states to recognize Basilone day, thus putting more pressure on the Postal Service.

For those of you who don't follow the above link, Gunny Basilone was awarded the Medal of Honor on Guadalcanal in 1942....the Corps sent him home to sell War Bonds, and touted him as a hero...he felt guilty that he wasn't helping the troops with the fighting, so he volunteered to go back to combat, and was killed on the first day of the invasion of Iwo Jima in February '45. He was awarded the Navy Cross posthumously.

If you choose to sign the petition, please do so HERE...

If you choose to write your Governor/Senator to ask them why your state hasn't made February 19th John Basilone day, go HERE for a sample letter...

The bravery, self-sacrifice, and pure heroism of Gunny Basilone is a shining example....in the face of todays world events....of how much we owe to the generations that went before us...a generation that ensured we could live under freedom....a freedom that they purchased with their lives....we all-too-often forget the price that our ancestors have paid....

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Spirituality...taken to a whole new level..

No comment....

Nigerian herbalist shot dead as anti-bullet charm fails
Dec 17, 2003

LAGOS (AFP) - A traditional doctor in central Nigeria has been shot dead by a patient who was testing the potency of an anti-bullet charm the herbalist had prepared for him, police told AFP.

Ashi Terfa died when patient Umaa Akor fired a gun at his head two weeks ago in south-central Benue state, police spokesman Bode Fakeye said Wednesday.

"Akor went for an insurance against bullets and contacted Terfa to prepare it for him," he said.

"To confirm its efficacy, the herbalist tied the charm around his neck and insisted that Akor should fire a gun at him. The experiment proved fatal for the herbalist and his skull was shattered," he added. "He died immediately".

Fakeye said the suspect had appeared in court for culpable homicide, but had been release on bail.

"The motive to kill could not be established against the suspect since the herbalist asked him to shoot to test the charm," he added.

The belief in withcraft and charms is rife in Africa.

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I MUST Be Irish..

My genealogy is a mixed bag...Scots...Irish ..English..Cherokee...Dutch...Choctaw...and who knows-what-else....but....TODAY, the genes of my Irish fore bearers bubbled to the top....today, I am truly an Irishman....

This morning...I went hunting with a friend of mine..the Wife was back to work today, and I didn't feel like watching more Yuletide Television..and NO ONE is blogging the Holidays....so, I'd decided last week that he and I should escape to the woods for a day....Whitetail season is still open here in Tennessee, but after discussing our failures of the past season, we decided to go out today and thin down the local Coyote population..screw those fickle Whitetails...Besides, we'd be doing the local citizens a service....local cats have been disappearing fairly regularly for the past year in our community...culprits?....Coyotes...evidently, they don't just like Roadrunners....

So, at the appointed time, we met up at 0645 at the local Valley Mart, bought some coffee and biscuits, and he followed me to the undisclosed location.....a location, which now lives in legend....

The frost was thick on the ground when we started walking from our cars into the field....the trusty old Audi said that the outside temp was 21 degrees, and it felt like it...the ground crunched every time we took a step....I knew that we'd be covering some pretty rough territory, so I was carrying my Marlin .44mag Rifle...short, compact, and packs a helluva wallop at close range...he brought along a 30.06 with a scope...I knew the location we'd be hunting...hell, I'd grown up there...and, a scope was not something that you'd need....the undergrowth there refused to give you a shot of more than 15yds....but, anyway, that is of no consequence....now, evidently my hunting partner was a Master at calling Coyotes in real close...close enough to make it exciting when one jumps from a bush 30ft away expecting a wounded rabbit, and instead, gets a 320gr .44mag in the noggin....anyway, "master caller" he may very well be....but he wasn't today....we didn't see, hear, smell, or otherwise get NEAR a damn Coyote....all we saw were tracks and a few recent kills...."master caller" ...my ass...

Here is what we DID see....

1. Within 5 minutes of beginning the hunt at dawn, we spooked 3 Whitetail Doe that had been resting on the trail that I always used to head into this wilderness....when we spooked them, they were no more than 40yds away...we just stood and gaped like idiots as those beautiful white tails of theirs flashed away through the woods....

2. We arrive at the first location, and he begins calling in the Coyotes....5 minutes, nothing....10 minutes....nothing....and then, I see another deer....this time, it is in the next field over...casually walking along....so, I point it out to him...he takes out the binoculars, and says...."Holy JESUS, that's a BIG BUCK"...yep....that's what he said....but, it was over 600yds away, so taking a shot at it was not going to happen....15 minutes...calling....nothing....so, we decide to move....

3. Arrive at third location....begin calling....10 minutes....nothing.....15 minutes...nothing....screw this, let's go somewhere else, Mr. Master Caller...heh..

4. We sneak up a trail to the edge of a dense thicket...the trail was lined with small cedars, and moving along that trail....that was covered with cedar needles was as quiet as walking on a carpet....we set up....me on the left of the trail...25 feet from him......He on the right, looking towards a small stand of hardwoods....and he makes his first call....and all hell breaks loose....a Doe had been resting 50 feet from where we were....when he blows his "animal in distress" call, that Doe goes nuts...she snorts....she stomps....hell, she even ran up to within 20 feet of him...so, for the next 5 minutes, I watch as he plays with this crazy deer....she snorts and runs 10ft....he calls....she stomps, snorts, and runs another 10ft in the opposite direction....she had absolutely no idea what he was....she musta thought his call sounded like a fawn or something....anyway...once she'd ran off, we packed up camp and drove back to my house....

5. On the way to my house....which is LESS THAN FIVE MILES from the undisclosed location....TWO DEER....a buck AND a doe...ran across the road in front of my car....I nearly ran the bastards over......

6. Never in my entire life..have I seen so many damn deer in one day...7 deer...it was incredible....it was crazy...and we didn't even get CLOSE to a damn Coyote...

My Irish side percolated to the top today, Ladies and Gentlemen....I now know the true meaning of "The Luck of the Irish".....If I'd been hunting Whitetails, there would have been a whole damn HERD of Coyotes howling at the moon under my tree stand....but instead....I have to report this sad tagline to my story...

...no animals were harmed in the making of this post....dammit....

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Once A Marine....

I just found this over HERE....and I though I'd share...

"When you guys get home and face an antiwar protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she's dating a pussy."
-Commanding General 1st Marine Division

Thanks, Doc!

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by Eric on Dec 26, 2003 | Comments(0) | TrackBack (1) | Military Stuff
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Tales From The Champagne Room

Now THIS is a Cool Judge..

"Man cleared after calling policeman 'asshole'

A Norwegian man escaped punishment for calling a policeman an asshole after a court ruled the insult was coarse but not illegal.

Indre Sogn county court decided police officers should be able to deal with such abuse and acquitted the man.

The officer at the centre of the incident said the man terrorised him during a late night call to his home, reports Nettavisen.

The 42-year-old man reportedly told the officer: "I think you are an asshole. Have a nice evening."

The officer wanted the man sentenced because he said he engaged in "scary or annoying behaviour or other inconsiderate behaviour which violated another person's peace".

However the judge disagreed and cleared the defendant, saying: "It is publicly known that the description asshole has been used in public on a high political level without it having any legal consequences."

sorry....hehehe...I just thought it was funny....sounds like that cop IS an asshole idiot....

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Pencil-thin Moustache

I swear...sometimes you just can't make this crap up....

"Serial robber uses pencil-drawn moustache as disguise

The FBI are hunting a bank robber who's struck eight times this year with only a pencil-drawn moustache as a disguise.

The man's latest raid was in the city of Saint Paul, Minnesota, where he robbed a branch of the Retail Employees Credit Union for the second time in three months."

....now....I don't want to be busting on people from Minnesota....but, DAMN....

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Holiday Cheer...

....Christmas morning....ahhhh sigh.....my Mother came over and spent last night here...we stayed up late, and opened our gifts at midnight last night....we did this with the intention of sleeping late on Christmas morning...with no gifts to explore at the crack of dawn, we could leisurely awake like civilized people...that was the plan...

At 0700 this morning, my body clock woke me....I crept through the house to start a pot of coffee...as I passed the door leading to the garage, I peeped out to check on Fred and Ginger....normally, they are coiled into their beds, and as they sense my voyeuristic approach, they look up towards the door with half-lidded eyes....as if to say...."go make a pot of coffee and blog...we ain't getting up till 10"....but, this was not the case today...

...I look into the garage....no cats to be seen....instead, I see a strange sight...it looks as if someone has taken a weed-eater to a blooming poinsettia...clumps of red strewn over the entire garage....I stare in disbelief....trying to focus on the scene....identify something...figure out what I am seeing...and then, in a flash, I see a beak....

Fred and Ginger have managed to EACH catch a Cardinal during the night....red feathers, blood, and bits of beak, legs, and something which remains still to be identified, COVER the floor of the garage.....the Wife's little darlings bastards.....have been up to no good during the night....foul murder has been committed at Straight White House on the Eve of Christmas...I open the door, and the two devils appear from underneath the pool-table...I yell a few choice obscenities at them...which doesn't phase them at all....so, I give up..and resign myself to coffee and reading blogs before everyone awakes...

...Looking back on it now,...perhaps they were just trying to get the garage into the Christmas spirit...their own form of decoration....bright red feathers....dark red coagulated blood.....and the silver of the downy under-feathers of their now-devoured victims....as I sit here finishing my first pot of coffee....and contemplating the waffles I am about to partake of....the garage scene this morning was actually quite festive...

Merry Christmas to all of you, and have a safe Holiday....

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Christmas Party Aftermath...

You know you are at an interesting party when you meet someone....and they give you their phone number....and at the BOTTOM of the little scrap of paper, they write something like this..."Mark and Susanne's Christmas Party"....when you inquire as to the reason for this, they respond thusly....

"We'll probably get drunk tonight, and when you find this in the morning, you'll have NO IDEA what this number is for, so this is just a reminder.."

Actually, it was quite prophetic...because drunk we did get....I was doing fine on the blend...Dewars, I believe....until the Scotch Goddess showed up with a bottle of 12 year old Macallan...that was the final straw...pure nectar of the Gods it was...but, I digress...

A good time was had by all concerned...much guitar was played..much drunken yelling singing was done....much to the amusement of the sober members of the congregation...and many new friends were alienated made....

Oh, and back to the "number" I was handed? Don't go getting all excited...pervs...

A few months ago, I bought my Brother a Meucci pool cue....the base of the cue is Ivory...I have one just like it, but I wanted to get his customized....so, I had a friend of mine inlay a silver plate into the ivory so I could get his initials engraved on it....well....you may find this hard to believe,....but finding someone who WILL engrave on a piece of silver that is embedded in ivory on a pool cue is damn near impossible....until last night, that is....during the pre-drunk conversation, one young lady mentioned that her father was a master jeweler, or something like that....and he engraved stuff by hand...so, I mentioned the pool cue....and she said that her Father could do it for me...and she gave me her number....see?...anyway, it is going to cost me a damn FORTUNE to get it engraved...but at least that monkey will be finally off my back....somehow, the words "master jeweler" should never be used when my cash is involved...not even at Christmas...

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by Eric on Dec 24, 2003 | Comments(11) | TrackBack (1) | Drinking
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Friday Happy Hour

To Party...or to Blog?..hmmm

Sorry for the lack of posting today...today was the last day before the Christmas break, so it was a total mess...loose ends needing to be tied all over the place...anyway, I finally escaped...but, we've been invited to a Christmas shindig in Lenoir City....so, I'll be leaving here any minute....and, if I was a betting man, I'd say I'll be too far gone to post anything else when I get back...heh....I promise to be fresh in the morning, though....and post like a wild mongoose on crack the first part of Christmas Eve...

In the meantime, I'll leave you with an old favorite....yep...you guessed it...Robert Service time again.....as usual, read this out loud...it helps with getting the rhyme and timing down....and, if you are overheard, people will think you've lost your mind...feel sorry for you...and rush out to buy you a last minute present to cheer you up.....hey, it could happen...so, here we go, kiddies...

The Ballad of Blasphemous Bill, by Robert W. Service

I took a contract to bury the body of blasphemous Bill MacKie,
Whenever, wherever or whatsoever the manner of death he die --
Whether he die in the light o' day or under the peak-faced moon;
In cabin or dance-hall, camp or dive, mucklucks or patent shoon;
On velvet tundra or virgin peak, by glacier, drift or draw;
In muskeg hollow or canyon gloom, by avalanche, fang or claw;
By battle, murder or sudden wealth, by pestilence, hooch or lead --
I swore on the Book I would follow and look till I found my tombless dead.

For Bill was a dainty kind of cuss, and his mind was mighty sot
On a dinky patch with flowers and grass in a civilized boneyard lot.
And where he died or how he died, it didn't matter a damn
So long as he had a grave with frills and a tombstone "epigram."
So I promised him, and he paid the price in good cheechako coin
(Which the same I blowed in that very night down in the Tenderloin).
Then I painted a three-foot slab of pine: "Here lies poor Bill MacKie,"
And I hung it up on my cabin wall and waited for Bill to die.

Years passed away, and at last one day came a squaw with a story strange,
Of a long-deserted line of traps 'way back of the Bighorn range,
Of a little hut by the great divide, and a white man stiff and still,
Lying there by his lonesome self, and I figured it must be Bill.
So I thought of the contract I'd made with him, and I took down from the shelf
The swell black box with the silver plate he'd picked out for hisself;
And I packed it full of grub and "hooch," and I slung it on the sleigh;
Then I harnessed up my team of dogs and was off at dawn of day.

You know what it's like in the Yukon wild when it's sixty-nine below;
When the ice-worms wriggle their purple heads through the crust of the pale blue snow;
When the pine trees crack like little guns in the silence of the wood,
And the icicles hang down like tusks under the parka hood;
When the stove-pipe smoke breaks sudden off, and the sky is weirdly lit,
And the careless feel of a bit of steel burns like a red-hot spit;
When the mercury is a frozen ball, and the frost-fiend stalks to kill --
Well, it was just like that that day when I set out to look for Bill.

Oh, the awful hush that seemed to crush me down on every hand,
As I blundered blind with a trail to find through that blank and bitter land;
Half dazed, half crazed in the winter wild, with its grim heartbraking woes,
And the ruthless strife for a grip on life that only the sourdough knows!
North by the compass, North I pressed; river and peak and plain
Passed like a dream I slept to lose and I waked to dream again.

River and plain and mighty peak -- and who could stand unawed?
As their summits blazed, he could stand undazed at the foot of the throne of God.
North, aye, North, through a land accurst, shunned by the scouring brutes,
And all I heard was my own harsh word and the whine of the malamutes,
Till at last I came to a cabin squat, built in the side of a hill,
And I burst in the door, and there on the floor, frozen to death, lay Bill.

Ice, white ice, like a winding-sheet, sheathing each smoke-grimed wall;
Ice on the stove-pipe, ice on the bed, ice gleaming over all;
Sparkling ice on the dead man's chest, glittering ice in his hair,
Ice on his fingers, ice in his heart, ice in his glassy stare;
Hard as a log and trussed like a frog, with his arms and legs outspread.
I gazed at the coffin I'd brought for him, and I gazed at the gruesome dead,
And at last I spoke: "Bill liked his joke; but still, goldarn his eyes,
A man had ought to consider his mates in the way he goes and dies."

Have you ever stood in an Arctic hut in the shadow of the Pole,
With a little coffin six by three and a grief you can't control?
Have you ever sat by a frozen corpse that looks at you with a grin,
And that seems to say: "You may try all day, but you'll never jam me in?"
I'm not a man of the quitting kind, but I never felt so blue
As I sat there gazing at that stiff and studying what I'd do.
Then I rose and I kicked off the husky dogs that were nosing round about,
And I lit a roaring fire in the stove, and I started to thaw Bill out.

Well, I thawed and I thawed for thirteen days, but it didn't seem no good;
His arms and his legs stuck out like pegs, as if they were made of wood.
Till at last I said: "It ain't no use -- he's froze too hard to thaw;
He's obstinate, and he won't lie straight, so I guess I got to -- saw."
So I sawed off poor Bill's arms and legs, and I laid him snug and straight
In the little coffin he picked hisself, with the dinky silver plate,
And I came nigh near to shedding a tear as I nailed him safely down;
Then I stowed him away in my Yukon sleigh, and I started back to town.

So I buried him as the contract was in a narrow grave and deep,
And there he's waiting the Great Clean-up, when the the Judgment sluice-heads sweep;
And I smoke my pipe and I meditate in the light of the Midnight Sun,
And sometimes I wonder if they was, the awful things I done.
And as I sit and the parson talks, expounding of the Law,
I often think of poor old Bill -- and how hard he was to saw.

Well, if you are still reading down this far, I'll just tell you a little bit about this poem...it is my favorite....believe it or not, I recite this one when I get really drunk...just ask Donnie...I started to do it at the Blogmeet, but, alas, 8 hours of drinking had taken their toll on me....so, he and his Bride were spared....dangit..

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Happy Holidays and Stuff...

Run over to Velociman's blog and give him a quick poke....He's almost there, and every little contribution helps...after all, 'Tis the Season to give....

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More from The Cosmos...

Sorry....these were just too good to pass up....heh...

Santa Pick Up Lines

#1: Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

#2: Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

#3: I've got something special in the sack for you!

#4: Ever make it with! a fat guy with a whip?

#5: I know when you've been bad or good... so let's skip the small talk!

#6: Some of my best toys run on batteries... (wink wink!!!)

#7: Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it.

#8: I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear.

#9: Screw the "NICE" list... I've got you on my "NAUGHTY" list, Babe!!!

#10: Wanna join the "Mile High Reindeer" club?

Found at Strange Cosmos..

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For Your Country..

Sam and I have been having a quick commentary in the comments of a post......I know....I know....but, it reminded me of a dream I had during the war....it bothered me so much, that I printed off this poem by Wilfred Owen....and read it out loud to the workmates at lunch one day...

...Every morning....every goddamn morning during the war, I'd wake up and watch the news...hoping...PRAYING ....that no one had used WMDs....especially the gases that Saddam was known to have had....so....ladies and gentlemen..I give you a little Owen....

Dulce Et Decorum Est....

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned out backs,
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots,
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame, all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.

Gas! GAS! Quick, boys!--An ecstasy of fumbling
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time,
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin,
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs
Bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

Wilfred Owen....first published in 1921...of course, he was dead by then..

This is NOT meant as an Anti-War post....it is meant as an Anti-WMD post....

In the latin...the translation of the title "Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori.....is....."It is sweet and proper to die for one's country."...

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Dazed and TOTALLY confused...

Alright, dammit...anyone got a friggin' CLUE about blogshares?....I was asked to sign up for it by a reader, and now, I'm 100% lost....even worse, I was gifted some shares by a blog....and I can't READ it....people...have mercy on me....gimme me a holiday helping hand.........

here is the SITE that I was gifted with their shares....anyone speak this language?....I'm sure there has to be some motivated 2675s..or other intel linguists out there who can help out.....so...c'mon...give a poor. old, broke-down, stock-inept jarhead a break....after all...it IS the season of giving...heh...Hillbilly, you work on wallstreet, right?....Blackfive? Didn't you get some language courses during your SF training?...Geoffrey? I know you're listed on blogshares too.....damn....maybe I'm just out of luck....help me out here, guys....trading stock and foriegn languages don't mix well....they are too similar...

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The Holidays

....I got a Christmas card today from my good buddy up in Alaska....he included two photographs in the card......I initially put them up on the fridge...but, now they are sitting here on my desk....yep....I took them down....they depressed me too damn much....

The FIRST photo was of him and his family sitting in their Ferret...a big-assed armored car type thing, with a Browning .30cal mounted on top...it kinda looks like THIS....damn....Alaska ROCKS....

The SECOND photo was of him kneeling beside a huge MOOSE that he had dispatched with his 7mm Magnum at 40yds..which, kinda looked like THIS....

...that bastard..I'm so damn jealous I could wring his neck....you AIN'T getting a Chrismas card this year, Matt....

Note: These two photos are just to give you the idea of what he sent...neither of them are actually him....or his family....

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You Never Know...

I just found THIS TEST over at Acidman's.....I scored 9 out of 10......I'm not sure if that is good or bad...however, I expect good things from my readers...I know that some of you are going to do VERY well on this test....great minds think alike, after all....

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by Eric on Dec 22, 2003 | Comments(4) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Monday Happy Hour

The Second Time...

This is sobering.....He's right, of course.....how many of us WILL turn into Mr. Random Nuke Man?.......whatever happens....we need to keep 9/11 in our minds daily....I know it is painful to remember, but it happened....it'll happen again, as well.....I wish he wasn't, but I believe Mr. Paine is right...we've been through our "Baptism of Fire"....but, I'm afraid we've got more coming before we achieve Victory...

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Joke of the Day..

Top 20 Ways to Confuse Santa

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

found over at Strange Cosmos...

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I'm Not Laughing...

I just got THIS in the e-mail....

>Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful , and Damn
>Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this
>description.
>
>Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over
>fifty-thousand messages and my inbox is jammed full. Thanks, anyway.

now...isn't that uplifting?....hehehe

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Interesting Stuff...

Cool Info #1.
Well, I just thought I'd let you all know something about the blog....I just got my 660th comment...now...before you go getting all excited and everything...the reason I put this up is because I put up my 220th post this morning....COOL....I'm no math genius, but it looks kinda like I average 3 comments per post...THANKS to everyone..

Cool Info #2
Geoffrey has just got the coolest hit I've ever seen on a website....heh...good luck in jail, man...you'll be missed....

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Squirrels...

I grew up hunting rabbits and squirrels...small game mostly, like most kids in the rural South....and right now, there are 8 squirrels in my back yard.....8 of them....I was just pouring some coffee, and looked out the kitchen window....and the ground was CRAWLING with them....I must be getting old or something...why are they not frying in a pan with some salt and pepper right now?..why is the Wife not making biscuits and gravy to go with them?...good question.....the first thing that comes to mind, in my defense, is that squirrels are too damn hard to skin...thus, they survive in relative peace here at Straight White House...still....they got me to thinking....

I can remember my Father taking me hunting a few times...well...let me rephrase that....they weren't so much hunts as endurance tests...heh.....one Saturday we'd wake up to the first snowfall of the year, and Dad would say, "RIGHT! Perfect weather for going Rabbit hunting!"...so, we'd bundle up, grab our shotguns, and spend the next 5 hours walking around in the snow looking for "tracks"....yeah...picturing Elmer Fudd yet?....well, I just re-read this, and I'm doing it too...so, it's ok....

We'd end up walking for hours in the snow....I'd end up with frozen feet...and Dad would pick a nice spot under a tree....rake back the snow to uncover the leaves, and build a fire....I'd take off my shoes, and Dad would hang my damp socks over the fire to dry them out....and, we'd sit there in the snow by the fire...and he'd tell me stories about when he was little...and how he and his brother would make rabbit boxes to catch rabbits...which they sold to the traveling peddler for 25 cents each....and then, the inevitable "karate chop" story would be told...you know the one....the two brothers had seen a kung fu fight on some 50's television show...and, the next time they caught a rabbit, they decided to dismiss the poor fellow with a well aimed karate chop to the back of the head...so...one brother holds the hapless rabbit by the back legs....and the other brother swings his knifelike karate hand, and whacks the varmint....then, says with the utmost satisfaction, "heh...THAT oughtta do it..."....to which, the other brother tosses the now-dead-by-kung-fu-action rabbit to the ground....and both brothers watch as the dead rabbit high-tails it away at warp speed....

After the stories were told...and the socks were dry....we would march back home...of course, my Mother would open the door....and laugh at us as we stomped our feet and shook the snow off of our clothes in the driveway..."What? No Rabbit?" she'd say....and Dad would just grin....We never DID get a rabbit....EVER.....but, we both sure enjoyed "hunting" rabbits every time it snowed....

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Blogroll Update

Well, I just finished reading "Red Cavalry" by Isaac Babel....and, I immediately went over to The Politburo Diktat and blogrolled the dude....ahhhh Comrade....how blind I have been....let us share some vodka, da?

...hell....as long as we've got some vermouth and a couple of olives, it'll still be ok...right?....I mean...a Martini is still a capitalist icon, right?.....

Also added was Gasolinesuit....her site just recently started registering on my radar screen.....she's pretty awesome....so...go and check her out...especially THIS POST....it's a good'un....

And, lastly, Smoke on the Water.....one helluva site....new, but very interesting...If I could live the Jimmy Buffett lifestyle, I'd drop everything in a minute...this guy seems to have that...

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Bad Jokes of the Day

For some reason, I've got these crazy old jokes bouncing around in my head right now....and...since things are always slow on the weekends, I guess I should share....

Q: How do you catch a Rabbit?
A: You hide in the bushes and make carrot noises...

Q: How do you catch a Polar Bear?
A: You go up to the Arctic...and cut a hole in the ice....and sprinkle peas around the edge of the hole....and when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole....

Q: How do you catch an Elephant?
A: You go to Africa...and you find a watering hole where Elephants drink...put up a sign that says "Watter for Elfants"....Elephants are very smart...so, when they come to the watering hole, they'll read the sign and start roll around on the ground laughing....now, when they are doing this, they are relatively harmless...so, you take a pair of binoculars, and look through them the wrong way...this will make the Elephants very small....so, while they are small, and rolling around on the ground, and harmless....you pick them up with a pair of tweezers and put them in a jar....

Yep...I know what you're thinking....and you are probably right...maybe sharing these wasn't such a good idea...heh.

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by Eric on Dec 20, 2003 | Comments(3) | TrackBack (1) | Jokes
» She Who Will Be Obeyed! links with: Just getting caught up

An Ordinary Man...

Jack at Random Fate is remembering his Father....I know exactly what he means...Go now, and read....

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Don has a cunning plan..

Anger Management has been putting a lot of thought into the subject of oral gratification lately....and now, he has A PLAN......

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Walking....

The weather today has been cold, wet, and windy......and, it reminded me a lot of the typical springtime weather in Scotland....I mentioned this to a friend today while we were having a smoke....he was huddling out of the wind and shivering...and, I was leaning against a wall...letting the wind chill me...

He said, "DAMN, this is some nasty weather!"...

....I just looked up at him....and said..."THIS is the BEST kind of weather...this is the kind of weather that can KILL you if you don't know how to deal with it...this is weather that will TRY you...to see if you fit..."

He didn't say anything else....he just finished his cigarette and walked back inside...heh..I guess he musta disagreed with me.....but, I sat there for a while....even after I finished mine....and took in the cold...and, it got me to thinking about my "walks" I used to take in Scotland...

First off...Scotland has a totally different slant on "trespassing" laws...basically, there AREN'T any...you can camp pretty much wherever you want, as long as you don't stay longer than 24 hours in one place....now, this causes a lot of gypsies and vagrants to hang around in weird places...but, it ALSO gives the "rambler", or "hiker" a HUGE amount of possibilities...

My Father-in-law owns a condo/timeshare type thingy in Ballater....not too far from Balmoral Estate...where the Royals go to get away from it all...anyway, the whole family would pack into the various cars, and go skipping up there to spend the first weeks in May...now, this place is run by Hilton...so, it is pretty swanky...but, me being me...I always felt that I should PAY a little for getting to wallow in so much opulence...so, I would torture myself for a few days in late April every year....

..so, I walked to Ballater...

...the rest of the family drove the Mercedes...

...and I WALKED to Ballater...

I don't know WHY I did it...maybe it was the old jarhead in me just SCREAMING to come out...or, maybe I just wanted to prove to myself that I still could push myself...lord knows, my JOB sure wasn't challenging me at the time....so, as a result...I would walk to Ballater...depending on the route I took, it would take 3, 4, or 5 days to make the trip...I'd end up sitting on a mountain top overlooking Ballater...coffee brewing on my camp stove...and watching Duncan through my binoculars casually stroll up the trail to collect me....he liked hiking too...but not overnighting it...and DEFINITELY not the 4 day ordeals that I put myself through every year...

It was 55 miles from Montrose to Ballater....I'd get the Wife to drive me up one of the local glens...either Glen Clova, Glenesk, Glen Mark, or Glen Prosen....and I'd set off....just me and my pack on my back....I usually had the route marked out...and, I'd know how many miles I'd have to do every day to make my rendezvous with Duncan....sometimes it was difficult to keep the pace....sometimes, you'd get to the place you had planned on camping...after hiking 12 miles that day, and find it flooded, or covered with snow two feet deep...and you'd make a decision...camp in the snow, or hike 3 more miles to a lower elevation....I usually chose to hike to a lower elevation....but hey, that was just extra penance, so, it was good for me....after all, I had warmth, Scotch, feather pillows, Bose audio, and a sauna waiting for me at the end of the trail....

The wonderful thing about my walks in Scotland....was this..I'd walk for 4 or 5 days...and never see another human being....herds of sheep...or Roe Deer...and nothing else...this wasn't a National Forest or anything....this was private land...usually part of some Lord's estate...but, I had a right to be there....and the experience was tremendous....

Anyway, like I started to say, I'd normally arrive at my final destination at around noon on the last day....there was a GREAT ridge overlooking Ballater...and I'd pitch my tent there...knowing that I was only about two miles from the road, I'd cook the remaining food that I'd brought with me....heh...I always over-packed on the food....so, the final night's supper was a total grubfest...Ramen noodles galore....and, I'd break open the little flask of Scotch I'd brought with me..you know....for snakebites and such, A'hem.....and, I'd have a wee dram up there alone....watching the sunset over Lochnagar.....then, the next morning, I'd tear down the tent....pack up the camp except for the cooker and the coffee....and I'd await Duncan....I'd see him when he first emerged from the woods at the bottom of the mountain....he was still 45 minutes away....and I'd watch him...and drink coffee....until he arrived, and then we'd head off the mountain...

You know, I just realized something....one of the finest pleasures of my life has been offering my Father-in-law a cup of coffee...early in the morning....on an insignificant hill near Ballater....

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by Eric on Dec 19, 2003 | Comments(13) | TrackBack (4) | SWG Stories
» Gut Rumbles links with: too old anymore
» The Brier Patch links with: A good cup of coffee
» Up For Anything links with: Volunteer Tailgate Party XVIII
» Up For Anything links with: Volunteer Tailgate Party XVIII

Power TOOL, Baby...

Screw you too.....and I mean that in the NICEST possible way...

HEH!....

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by Eric on Dec 19, 2003 | Comments(1) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Those Smug Fellows in the Great White North...

PRESENTS

I love presents....and KEY is handing them out to a select few!...so, go on over and see what she got ME this year...heh....fluffy muffins.....my favorite.....mmmmm...muffins.....

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NEVER..

..ever...EVER...underestimate the power of music.....my Brother just called....he pointed me towards "Here Without You" by Three Doors Down....damn....what pain....what loss...what hope....what need....what a great fucking song....thanks, Joshua...thank you, Brother...

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A Sinatra Night...

Well....I had a great day at work today...until just before closing....then, it went to shit....anyway, so it goes, I suppose...but, as usual, my drive back home is always relaxing and enjoyable...country roads....the promise of Scotch at the end of the trail....and music to listen to during the drive....today, I started off with George Thorogood....but, I just wasn't in the mood...so...over to disc 1 in the changer....yeah...that'll do JUST fine....Sinatra & the Ratpack....I clicked through the songs till I got to number 10...."My First Affair"....one word..day-um...now THAT is a song...anyway....I put it on repeat, and listened to it all the way home....now, it is in my PC, and he's STILL singing it.....so, for those of you who are uninitiated to this song....HERE IT IS....and, I'm putting the lyrics down below so you can sing along as Frank croons....awww...c'mon...."please be kind"....

Well, this is my first affair, so please be kind
Handle my heart with care, please be kind
This is all so grand, my dreams are on parade
You'll just understand, they'll never, never fade

Tell me your love's sincere, please be kind
Tell me I needn't fear, please be kind
'cause if you leave me, dear, I know my heart will lose its mind
If you love me, please be kind

This is my first affair, please be kind
Handle my heart with care, and please be kind

And handle my heart with care, so please be kind
Tell me I needn't fear, and please be kind
'cause if you leave me, dear, I know my heart will lose its mind
If you love me, baby, please be kind

Last week, I was fixated on Dean Martin's "Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter"....I get that way sometimes, I suppose....

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WHOOO HOOO!!!! FINALLY!!

A petition for us ALL!!

GO HERE NOW!!

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A Few Quotes for my Jarhead Brothers...

"The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!" Eleanor Roosevelt, 1945...

"Marines are about the most peculiar breed of human beings I have ever witnessed. They treat their service as if it were some kind of cult, plastering their emblem on almost everything they own, making themselves up to look like insane fanatics with haircuts ungentlemanly short, worshipping their Commandant almost as if he were a god, and making weird animal noises like a band of savages. They will fight like rabid dogs at the drop of a hat just for the sake of a little action and are the cockiest SOB's I have ever known. Most have the foulest mouths and drink well beyond a man's normal limits. But, their high spirits and sense of brotherhood set them apart and generally speaking the United States Marines I have come in contact with are the most professional soldiers and the finest men I have had the pleasure to meet."
Anonymous Canadian Citizen, 1969

I found these quotes over HERE...

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Big Cities

I like living in the country....I like living in a small town....I like the fact that going to Starbucks for coffee is a BIG DEAL because the nearest one is 45 minutes away....however....it is the smaller things that sometimes remind me of why I like living in the sticks....like, for instance...

hmmm.....the fact that...in MY small town.... WE'D NOTICE IF A GUY WAS DEAD ON OUR STREET CORNER....

THIS is why I don't like crowds of people....don't get me wrong...I LOVE visiting big cities and becoming one of the unknowns wandering around with the herd..seeing the sights, taking in a night at the theatre, or a good meal somewhere.....but, after a visit, I want to come back to the rural life....

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by Eric on Dec 18, 2003 | Comments(2) | TrackBack (2) | Psycho Rants
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Here's to some fellow vets...
» Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love links with: Thursday Thoroughfare

Pool and Pizza

Well....I have company coming over tonight....so, shooting pool, drinking Scotch, and eating Pizza is the order of the evening....sorry, ladies and gentlemen....I have to go and be the good host....I'll be back later tonight with the results of my butt-kicking session....or, more than likely, to let you know how I got slaughtered on my own table...anyway, go over to my blogroll and check out some of them....they are always entertaining...G'night, gentle readers..

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Once Again....

As I have said MANY times on this site...people will steal anything...and I mean ANYTHING.....

NEW CITY, New York (AP) -- The Grinch stole Christmas, and now someone has stolen the Grinch.

and...

"They're light, easy to deflate and easy to take," he told The Journal News. He said similar Halloween-themed decorations were taken in October, but he believes the thieves are more likely mischievous children than an organized network.

hehee....at least we can be safe in the knowledge that it is not an "organized network" of thieves who steal weird shit, I suppose.....

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Ben Stiller is ATTACKED!!

heheheheh.....HERE it is...

""He did this crazy turn around thing and he literally attached himself to my chin and then he didn't let go. He was holding onto my chin. I had to get a rabies shot. I didn't provoke him at all.

"Their teeth are sharp, like razors. I mean they're rat-like creatures. It was a horrible experience."

well, that's what you GET for being near one of those smelly beasts anyway...and, of course, this is a good quote...

Stiller said: "I didn't do anything I swear. We were doing this final scene where I come running after Jennifer and I'm holding the ferret.

...note to Mr. Stiller....don't RUN while holding a ferret....it's liable to piss it off....and then, when you stop running, that pissed off ferret is gonna bite you...

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OK...time for THE NEWS...

I'm sure that we ALL have heard that "Fellatio reduces risk of breast cancer"...of course, it was all in jest....just some College humor..

..and, what about "Ogling Breasts Makes Men Live Longer."??...yep, another hoax...well intended, BOTH of them...heh...but untrue all the same....

so, we come to "Oral Sex Makes Pregnancies Safer"...which, of course, IS true...heh...oh yeah....read it and weep, ladies....

"The explanation? Semen contains a growth factor that helps persuade a mother's immune system to accept sperm. Regular exposure before pregnancy helps her immune system get used to her partner's sperm.

As for the link to cancer, it's just possible that semen could have some effect on cancer of the cervix or ovaries. There's research showing oral delivery of TGFbeta (transforming growth factor beta), one of the key molecules in semen, can increase the number and activity of "natural killer" cells that are important in recognising and killing aberrant cells that give rise to tumours."

and, not to be missed in this article...is THIS little bit of clinical wisdom...

"Regular ejaculation, through sex or masturbation, may prevent carcinogens accumulating in the prostate gland, the researchers suggest."...

..uh....excuse me for a bit....

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Suzi's Got a Point...

Suzi over at Diary Date is asking questions about the Red Cross....which has suddenly become interested in the humane treatment of murdering bastard Hussein....hmmm....maybe you should focus more on helping his VICTIMS...

"Goody goody for them. Where in heck were they, and all the other human rights organizations, when Hussein was brutalizing, torturing, shredding and thowing his people into mass graves? "

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Turtleneck Blog

Now THIS is going to be a truly RIVETING blog post...heh....

Shopping....not something that I do very well....not something that I do often, either....sometimes, I plan and execute a lightning raid to the local grocery and deli...but, other than that, I don't do the whole shopping deal....but, last weekend, I was dragged, kicking and screaming, to Knoxville shopping.....

But, I think I committed some cardinal sin of Christmas shopping last weekend.....I bought something for MYSELF at a time when I was supposed to be buying for EVERYONE ELSE....ahhh...I guess I'm a selfish bastard at heart.....but, I DID buy for lots of other people too, so maybe it all equals out....anyway, back to the story....I'm really a plain kinda guy....I know pretty much what I'm going to wear everyday....and, everyday, I always dress pretty much the same....brown Justin cowboy boots....jeans....tee-shirt.....and fleece pullover or zip-up.....that's it....everyday....only difference between winter and summer is the addition of the fleece pullover......I did the whole "wear a suit to work everyday" for years....and, I enjoyed it.....but, at my current job, it is casual everyday...and I'm starting to get used to it.....

So...as I was saying....I bought something for myself....I bought a dark-greenish-brown knit turtleneck pullover....I thought it might be a change from the fleece...wait.....nah..that's probably not the REAL reason...I don't WANT a change from the old fleece....so, I don't know why I bought it....I never buy clothes.....and I've NEVER bought a turtleneck before....so, last night, I showed it to the Wife, who immediately said.."wow, that's really pretty, but you'll never wear it."....heh, she knows me so well.... but, after she said that, I was bound and determined to wear it...so, here I sit today...wearing this turtleneck....I don't think I like turtleneck shirts..I just realized that..I don't think I'm gonna buy another one, either....

I guess the older you get, the less you care about trends and "style"....and you just want comfort....so, in conclusion.....turtlenecks suck...and I want my fleece back...

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Now THIS is FAST..

I figured somone would start cashing in on this..but DAMN, this is quick!

The Hero Builders have a series of figures including Hussein, George W Bush and a Tony Blair doll called Talking British Ally, for sale.

The 12-inch Saddam figure, with an Ace of Spades t-shirt costs $29.95 (£18), plus packaging and postage.

The website also has an action figure of Saddam with a moustache, which can be fitted with S&M gear at an extra charge.

man, you just GOTTA love Capitalism....heh...

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Joke of the Day

Top Ten Reasons Saddam Surrendered Without a Fight!

10. MOLD IN SPIDER HOLE GIVING HIM TERRIBLE SINUS HEADACHE.

9. COALITION PROMISED TO LET HIM WATCH THE BEARS-VIKINGS GAME FROM HIS CELL.

8. HEARD A RUMOR THAT ALL WAS FORGIVEN.

7. RAN OUT OF CARB BLOCKER. AFRAID OF GAINING ALL THAT WEIGHT BACK.

6. TWO WORDS: INDOOR PLUMBING

5. WAS TOLD HIS SENTENCE WOULD BE COMMUTED TO COMMUNITY SERVICE IF HOWARD DEAN WINS IN 2004

4. AFRAID COALITION FORCES WOULD DIG UP HIS FAVORITE MASS GRAVE

3. CAN'T GET RUSH LIMBAUGH FROM TIKRIT

2. "F**k GEORGE W. BUSH!!! I'M STARVING."

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON SADAAM HUSSEIN GAVE UP WITHOUT A FIGHT:

HOPING TO MEET JIMMY CARTER!!!!!!!

Thanks to Strange Cosmos...

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Barbies Uncovered..oooh yeah..

Well, I must say....after visiting THIS site, .....and seeing the state of "Sorority Slut Barbie", I am deeply depressed that I never spent very long in a University....

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Sex and the Hillbilly

Well, as most of you know by now...sex, alcohol, poetry, sex, masturbation, military history, sex, and jokes are just about all that I talk about around here...so, THIS link to the Wandering Hillbilly shouldn't surprise you any at all...

"the long slow seduckshun of emily dickinsen smith taught me lots more bout sex n deesire. by time we finely dun the deed, we knew a lot bout each other n had talked a lot bout sex."

go forth, young'uns...and suckle at the teat of knowledge...Age and Experience over Youth and Enthusiasm ANY day....especially when it comes to rack-time...

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Today Was a Good Day...

First, I get to work, and there is, miraculously, a HUGE tray of homemade candy on the conference room table...I quickly look around...nope, no one to be seen..after all, it IS 6:30 in the morning....so, I snag one..gulp it down..mmmm, a lovely blend of sugar, peanut butter, and chocolate....then another one...DAMN!....they are incredible...finally, I decide that I've gorged myself enough, and I grab another cup of coffee...see, I'd drank my FIRST cup while devouring the candy.....and I head to my office...

Secondly, I get to my office and find that all FOUR of the servers are up...whew.....thanks, O God of technology.....then, I check my e-mail...no problems.......I meet Cal on the plant floor later, and we discuss the capture of the murdering bastard, compare notes, discuss politics, compare notes, talk about the wives, compare notes....

Thirdly, I go outside at 9am to have a smoke, and I see the clearest blue sky, and the fog hanging over the mountains....and I KNOW that today is a good day....and it was...all day long...

After lunch, I tracked down the young Lady who had made the candy, and beat the recipe out of her...awww..don't worry....she'll live...;^)....so, here it is..

B's Butter and Peanut Balls of Heavenly Sinful Delight...or something like that...

4 sticks of butter
1 jar of peanut butter
2 1/2 pounds powdered sugar
1 bag chocolate chips
3/4 cake of parrafin

Melt butter, slowly stir in sugar, then add peanut butter. Stick it in the fridge while you melt your chocolate and paraffin in a double broiler. Roll into balls.. Insert toothpick and dip in melted chocolate. You can place them on wax paper to cool, or do like I do and go ahead and plop them onto the tray I am going to serve them on. If the finish is glossy enough, they won't stick... enjoy

Take it from me...these things are GREAT...

So...what makes a good day?...many, MANY things...

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Spank it...

If you have a little time to kill...go and watch this guy spank his monkey...

It's HERE......heh...

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by Eric on Dec 15, 2003 | Comments(4) | TrackBack (1) | Jokes
» the cheese stands alone under the mistletoe links with: AC/DC

You have GOT to be joking..

I couldn't believe my EYES when I read this headline....

"OPEC wants aid if world shifts to renewable energies"

You want AID? Yeah right...You keep your people down, and harbor terrorists with all that oil money...and, with the threat of that black gold possibly becoming irrelevant, you start whining about AID? You've held us over a barrel for too long already....you've held too much influence, and gotten away with too much already....you want aid? Piss off....

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Written in the Cards...

As today's story unfolded...I watched FOX news....I read blogs..Hell, I even did my little Mick Jaggeresque happy dance in my living room......and, then, I remembered that Blackfive had something to say about this MONTHS ago....so, I wrote and asked him....and, sure enough, he had a "Happy Day" post back in October.....to quote....

"Ah, the only thing to make me happier would be for Saddam to be found on top of a stockpile of nerve agent. That and Osamma to be found with an SF bullet in his head. "

Sadly, Matt was only half right....soon, we WILL find out about the stockpile of Nerve Agent....but, we DIDN'T hear about the SF round to the head....why?....noooooo, not because some SF operative didn't pull the trigger...but, INSTEAD because Saddam was too worried about HIS ass being capped by the MORE than capable SF guys who had surrounded him....martyr, my ass...jihadist? Gimme a fucking break....my Mom's little weiner dog SOPHIE has more fucking nads than that prick......"So what, he was DISORIENTATED!!"....heh...just wait till he's had 72 hours with OUR Intel Services.....wanna talk about being DISORIENTATED.....heh...he'll be telling our troops just EXACTLY how many French Mirages were sent to his gov AFTER the 1991 UN Resolution.....THEN we'll see just which country has been violating UN Resolutions....bastards....and as for Osama? Well, if he isn't a damn DNA smear on a cave wall in Afghanistan, then I hope that THIS story lets him know EXACTLY what is in store for his murdering, sheep fucking ass....

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by Eric on Dec 14, 2003 | Comments(6) | TrackBack (2) | Psycho Rants
» Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love links with: Early Monday
» Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love links with: Early Monday Blogging

Wrapping Presents

I've just spent the better part of two hours wrapping Christmas presents...I'm not complaining...not in the least.....this is actually my favorite parts of Christmas....I mean, apart from getting together with friends and family and enjoying a huge foodfest....oh, and the lazy, semi-drunken afternoons during the Chrismas break from work....yeah...other than those two things, of course......yip, wrapping presents is kick-ass....actually, I probably need to rephrase that..WRAPPING presents isn't that great...what is GREAT is imagining the looks on people's faces when they OPEN the presents that you've just been wrapping....yeah, THAT's what I actually meant....

As I was wrapping the presents, I began to see a theme emerging.....see if you can spot something strange in my Christmas wrapping adventure today....

Uncle J: 100 rounds of Winchester 12ga #8 shot gameloads...check...
Aunt K: Fluffy stuffed toy Rhinoceros from Pier One...check...
Helpful and Lovely lady at work: Candle stuff and woven basket from Pier One..check..
Lovely and Helpful lady at work: Bath Stuff and wicker bag type thinggy from Pier One...check..
Uncle M: Blaze Orange hunting vest with leak proof/stain proof game compartment...check...
Darling Mother: Can't say, she might be reading this...
Darling Wife: Ditto
Ditto multiple times for Wife and Mother...
Personal Assistant at work: BIG Bath set AND Candle from Pier One..check...
Consultant at Work: Stainless Steel wine pourer...pretty cool, actually...check..

Yep...piece of CAKE, boys and girls....get the wimmen ANYTHING from Pier One that either SMELLS good, or makes THEM smell good, and you are on a winner....if you gotta buy for a guy...get him bullets....something to do with hunting, or something to do with drinking....easy-peasy.....

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Joke of the Century..

I've heard this one before, and it get's me everytime....I really like the way that kid thinks...

"One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and aid, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes"

Stolen from Sisoflexx on a SUNDAY, no less...

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HOT DAMN!

THIS is the best Sunday headline EVER.....

We Got Him...

""Ladies and gentleman, we got him," L. Paul Bremer announced Sunday. The announcement was greeted with cheers from the audience. "

Saddam Hussein, the Butcher of Baghdad, has been caught scurrying around in a dirt cellar like the common ratbastard that he is...Today is a good day for Iraqis, and indeed, for all freedom-loving people all over the world..

Oh, and I heard it HERE first...thanks, BST....

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Candles are cool..

Well, the wife and I went on our final Christmas shopping fiasco of the season today...we drove up to the mall at Turkey Creek....our first visit....and my LAST visit...at least during this holiday season...people Christmas shopping are like a pack of ravenous wolves....there must have been 3,000 people in the Super Target up there...which means that I spent two hours in that damn place doing NOTHING but trying to keep my trolley from being pinned to the wall...it was like some weird demolition derby/bumper car slamfest....everywhere you looked...I swear, I bet I heard "Excuse me", and "Sorry" - followed by squeaking wheels and grunting as people tried to get their gift laden buggies to pass each other - at LEAST 300 times....by the end of it, I just needed to lie down...

Anyway, back to my point....candles are cool...my zippo ran out of fluid a few minutes ago...and, I didn't feel like gassing it back up, so I went through and got a little candle out of the kitchen...lit it, and brought it back to the computer room...so that I can light my cigarettes with it as it burns....now, as I sit here typing, I keep looking at it....DAMN, it's making me feel all Christmassy...just sitting there flickering...it reminds me, for some strange reason, of a conversation I had with a Jewish friend of mine last week....they had e-mailed me a photo of a new menorah that they'd been given as an early Hannukah present....and, being ignorant of the finer points of their religion, I asked if they had a ceremony in which they lit the candles, or if a certain prayer was said, etc....and, I was told it was called the "Blessing of the Candles"....I was struck by that statement...it conjured up so many different images and ideas...

I guess that the metaphors for candles are too many to begin to name on this blog....Jewish, Protestant, Catholic - Roman OR Byzantine, Native American, Pagan, Wiccan, Agnostic, Animist, Scientoligist, Buddist, Muslim, or what-the-hell-ever...it doesn't matter....I bet we ALL have candles in our home...we use them in our religion...to light a room...to set a mood...to celebrate a birthday....to light our cigarettes when we are too damn lazy to fill our lighter....candles are cool...and, as long as we have human beings....we will always have a need for the soothing comfort...and the mental stimulation of the open flame of a flickering candle....

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HA!!! Merry Christmas!!

I am #2 on the AOL Search for "cruel joke santa pic"...BHWHAAHAHAH, now, I ask you, gentle readers...How cool is THAT?

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Possum Country...

I live in a beautiful rural area...the mountains of East Tennessee and North Georgia are some of the most picturesque in the country....the predominant industry around here is still agriculture, for the most part...and, as a result of the sparseness of urban sprawl and the closeness of the Cherokee National Forest, we've got quite a bit of wildlife that wanders through our neighborhood..as of late, it has been a large covey of Bobwhite Quail...which, frankly, I'm getting TIRED of cleaning their chewed reamins out of my garage...Fred and Ginger make a MESS after they catch one of those fat little birds...they've mangled one every day now for almost two weeks...so, the covey won't be much of a problem for long...anyway, sorry for rambling...

A few nights ago, there was an "incident" here at Straight White House....

Around 8:30 in the evening, I was reclining on the couch...feet propped up on the ottoman...nursing my second Scotch and water, and watching The History Channel....after I finish reading blogs when I get home, this is my usual position...just relaxing, and mellowing down slowly before time for bed....

The Wife was sitting at the kitchen table reading...totally absorbed in her book....I had remarked to her earlier, as I went to pour myself my second drink, about how engrossed she was in her book...anyway, right beside our kitchen table, there is a door which leads onto our back deck...this door is glass from top to bottom...no big deal, it's just that this is important to the story...now, her chair was about two feet away from this door....the way she was seated, her back was to this door...

As I said, we live in the country...and, when it gets dark out here, it gets DARK...there are no street lights, and all of the neighbors have those track light things pointed towards their homes instead of street lights...

I'm sitting there quite content...beginning to feel the effects of my beverage, when I suddenly hear the most blood curdling scream of absolute terror you can imagine coming from the kitchen....and, I'm not talking short-sharp-shock here, people...I am talking long and SUSTAINED terror-scream...so, I jump off the couch, spill my Scotch, spin around the corner into the kitchen grabbing my 9mm off the book shelf as I round the corner......and there it was....the hideous object that had instantly caused my Wife to transform from gentle reader to quivering mass...and me to go from Laidback-Scotch-Drinking-Man to Combat-Mode-Ex-Marine....a damn possum...

It was standing on it's back legs...with it's front legs resting against the door...that sucker was two feet tall...and fat...and hairy...and dirty...it's hair was a combination of white, gray, black, and brown...with hunks of leaves, dead varmints, blood, and dirt mixed in with it....it was standing there, and it looked just like a little troll-beast...it's jaw was hanging slack, revealing the sharp teeth..those beady little eyes .....you know, it almost looked like it was smiling...the wife was still freaking out, screaming "what IS THAT THING?!"....sheesh...a damn possum...

So, I told her it was just a local varmint....and that it wasn't dangerous....I walked over and turned the outside deck light on...and the beast ambled off the deck and into the night...evidently, it had been standing on it's back legs and scratching the glass door with it's front legs...only a few feet away from the Wife..the noise had gradually torn her attention away from her book, and when she turned around, it was right there in her face....looking at her...with those teeth...heh...it scared the SHIT out of her....

But, hey, where she comes from, they don't HAVE possums.....so, you really can't blame her for thinking it was some kind of Tennessee maneater....what did she learn? She learned what a possum looked like, THAT'S for sure....she learned that if she screams bloody-murder, then I'm coming around the corner armed and ready for battle....and she learned never to sit with her back to that damn door again...

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by Eric on Dec 13, 2003 | Comments(11) | TrackBack (2) | SWG Stories
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: The Straight White Guy challenges us Military Bloggers
» Random Fate links with: Major Bejus speaks!

I just GOTSTA know!

Ok, heads up to some of my current and former Military bloggers out there...go and take THIS TEST and tell me your results...I've got some of my own ideas about you guys, but, I really want to know...so, c'mon...after all, it IS Saturday..what ELSE would you be doing?....but, beware...one of the possible outcomes is the Prince Of Darkness himself, Gen. Clark......

Yeah, I'm talking to YOU guys, Blackfive, Bejus, Baldilocks, Jack, John, Geoffrey, HomicidalManiak, Mike the Marine, Parkway Rest Stop, Single Southern Guy....

UPDATE: Here are the results as of right now...not at ALL what I was expecting..
Baldilocks: Teddy Roosevelt
Jack: Robert E. Lee
John: Teddy Roosevelt
Mike the Marine: William Tecumseh Sherman
Single Southern Guy: Teddy Roosevelt
Straight White Guy: U. S. Grant
Jennifer Martinez: Stonewall Jackson
HomicidalManiak: William Tecumseh Sherman
Geoffrey of Dog Snot Diaries: George Washington

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by Eric on Dec 13, 2003 | Comments(18) | TrackBack (3) | Military Stuff
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: The Straight White Guy challenges us Military Bloggers
» Random Fate links with: Leadership style
» the rantings of a homicidalManiak links with: Leadership profile

Another Damn Quiz...

Steroid
You are a steroid. You're a special kind of
inter-nuclear hormone and have direct,
immediate effects on the near future; you are
pumped up, ready to go, and excite the people
around you into action. You can also cause
cancer.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Alright...hat tip to LeeAnn over at The Cheese Stands Alone for this one..damn....imagine...sitting here, minding my own damn business, and THEN I find out I have a personality that causes cancer....just what I needed...Merry Christmas to YOU too....

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Bedding a Virgin...

This is going to be a hard post....I was reading the Acidman's post, and I followed his link and read it.....so, maybe it is in the stars that I should post about Virgins tonight.....

First of all, I have only had only EVER taken one virgin....and, in retrospect, it was pretty cool, but not earthshattering...hell, it was MY first time too, so we both were pretty fumbly...I DID have the opportunity present itself again though...and, I made a decision...

OK, I'll skip over the FIRST experience...and go right to the second one...I was a young Marine going through Crypto school in Pensacola, Fl....I was 17 years old....just a pup....and, I can remember sitting at the picnic table in front of our barracks playing guitar when she walked up....she was a sailor, and she had seen me at the Marine Corps Ball I had attended a few weeks prior....I had been the youngest Marine at the Ball, and me and the oldest had to ceremonially cut the cake...as a side note, I was the youngest Marine at the Ball for three of my five years in the Corps.....ANYWAY, she asked me out to a movie....of course, being the shy country boy that I was then, I said yes, and we met the next night and went to the movies...

A few weeks passed, and we kept seeing each other occasionally....and then, one night, it happened....I had duty...and, I was in charge of the "runner's key"...this was a master key which would open any door in the barracks...and also, the door to the "Mail Room"....the mail room was located right in the middle of the communal area shared by ALL of the barracks....the Army, Navy, Air Force, AND Marines all had to leave their barracks and walk into an area covered with a a few trees and flowers....which housed a small, brick, one-room building where our mail was delivered....

So...one night, she arrives late..around midnight, just as I am starting to do my rounds...and she asks if she can accompany me....I told her that she could, and we started patrolling the barracks area...as we near the Mail Room, she pushes me into the shadows, and gives me a frantic kiss...she then asks if I can open the door and give us some privacy....Now, fellow Military Bloggers, don't think any less of me for this...I know the whole dereliction of duty story...but, HELL, I was 17 and about to get LAID by a buxom, brunette Virginia Belle...anyway, being that I thought she was incredible, I succumbed to pressure...and, I let us into the mail room....I quickly locked the door behind us....

Well, Folks, things got pretty hot, pretty quick...and one thing led to another...and suddenly, she was laid back on the Mail Room countertop, and I was about to do the deed....when, I felt it.....I felt that she was a virgin....and I stopped...I had her legs over my shoulder, and I just stopped....I sat there for a few seconds....not knowing what I should do...knowing that I wanted it...but, knowing that she was a good girl too...and, ladies and gentlemen...I HESITATED....well, as my Daddy always used to say.."He who hesitates is LOST"....so, I too, was lost....

I withdrew....and buttoned back up....she asked me what was wrong, and I told her that I liked her too much to do that....I told her that I would be leaving in two weeks for the Pacific...and that if she had waited till she was 20, then she could wait a little longer to find Mr. Right....another couple of years wouldn't kill her...besides....the LAST thing she wanted to tell her Grandkids - if they ever asked - was that she lost her virginity to a nameless jarhead on the counter of the Mail Room in Pensacola....at least...that was what I was thinking...

So, we saw each other a few more times...and then I left for distant shores...

Now...before you all start saying what a fucking SAINT I am...or Idiot, as some of you - I'm SURE - will say....here is the REAL freaky part...

18 months later, I am sitting on a moss covered ROCK in the middle of the Bering Sea, and I get a phone call from her...she is in Yokosuka at COMSUBGRU7....our conversation goes like this....

Her: "Eric! So glad I could track you down!!"
Me: "Hey, my Virginia Belle! How have you been?"
Her: "Just fine! I'm loving Japan!"
..now, at this point, I'm thinking...why in the WORLD has she tracked me down?
Me: "so....what have you been up to since Pensacola?"
Her: ".....that's why I'm calling.....I finally did it...."
Me: "Did what?"
Her: "IT.....you remember......riiiiiiiight?"
Me: "oohhh yeah...I remember....you did?....how was it? What is he like?"
Her: "Ahh...just some Ranger on leave from Korea...nevermind that...would you like to meet up in Anchorage or Tokyo sometime?"

....Now..she TRACKED MY ASS DOWN from a CONTINENT away to TELL ME THAT SHE HAD LOST HER VIRGINITY....

I never met up with her...and I am still torn over my decision that night in the Mail Room...in spite of it all...I think I made the right decision....

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by Eric on Dec 11, 2003 | Comments(16) | TrackBack (4) | SWG Stories
» Gut Rumbles links with: a man of honor
» Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love links with: Friday Foray
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Around the 'Sphere
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Tales From The Champagne Room

Quote of the Day..

"My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big friggin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!"

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Fresh from the E-mail

Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake Recipe

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit

Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shz..sshz..damn
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.

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Joke of the Day..

SOUTHERN PHRASES THAT WILL HELP YOU FIT IN IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH

1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"

5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."

6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."

8. "Don't p*& down my back and tell me it's raining."

9. "He's as country as corn flakes."

10. "This is gooder'n grits."

11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

found at www.strangecosmos.com

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The Result

Well...as usual, Steve was a cunning adversary.....but...Diego was not too good...he was good at telling stories, eating, and drinking...but, he was no good at "cut-throat"....so, the final result was....that of 9 games of cut-throat, I was victorious in 4, and Steve won 5....and Diego racked....because he lost every time...however, after the game, Diego proved his worth as a South American Jewish Conversationalist....so, I'll give him two of my games in gratitude for his entertaining us....so...the OFFICIAL score stands at...Steve 5, Me 2 and Diego 2...there....my karma should be balanced now for a good night of sleep...

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Hang On...

Well, I'm still alive....but, I've got company on the way, and they are aiming to kick some ass on the pool table...so, I'm heading out into the garage to defend my honor for a while...but, I WILL be back to blogging tonight...promise...

In the mean time, check out some of the links on my blogroll, kiddies...

LeeAnn ALWAYS has something interesting to tell us...

James reminds me of where I'd like to be right now...HUNTING.....

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy gives us a grammar lesson.....

Dax got FIRED, and is loving every minute of it...lucky guy....

And, O'Donnell shows us some of his hideous old websites....

Well, they are here...so, I'll be back later to either gloat or whimper about the results of tonight's pooltablefest....

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by Eric on Dec 10, 2003 | Comments(0) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Tooling around my blogroll...

G'night..

I haven't done much bloggin today...OR yesterday....but, two large Scotch and Waters...and Two LARGE pills my sainted wife has given me seem to have done the trick....and, I am no longer ABLE to blog...g'night...see you in the morning...sorry......have to go sneeze into my pillow now....heh....I'll be back telling dirty jokes in the AM...never fear...G'night....

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A Twist in the Story...

At work today....yes, I went to work today...dammit....walking around like an idiot with a handkerchief in my hand all day not knowing when I'd sneeze next..which, incidentally, reminds me to impart this little tidbit of information...sneezes come in groups...often LARGE groups....like little gangs of dwarf nazis...that circle you when you are least expecting it...and then suddenly rush in and kick the snot out of you....

ANYWAY, back to the story...sorry about that "dwarf nazi" thing...lord knows what kind of kinky deviant will find my site by googling THOSE terms...

Yeah..to the story...one of my friends at work was telling me a story today while I was working on their PC....I was listening intently...hell, it was a good story...She started it off like this "I used to know this great man...."....which, always lets you know it is going to be a pretty good story...but, it continued...it was all about how this great guy who had ambitions of being a Hollywood makeup artist....so, he made her and her sister these groovy latex monster costumes one year....then, she says...."When me and my sister started getting older, he sorta moved on...I think he even went and tried out his makeup stuff in Hollywood, but it didn't work out".....hmm, even more interesting...she tells me of how, after many years, she found him again....they had a few weeks to catch up...and, yes, he remembered creating the creepy masks for her and her sisters....Hell, I was getting into this story....when the next words out of her mouth were...

"Then, last summer, he killed himself...hung himself from a tree in the woods behind his house...they didn't find him for three days"...

DAMN!...I was totally floored....NEVER would I have seen that outcome arrive from the story she'd been telling.....Have you ever been happily going along with a story, enjoying the imagery of the storyteller....and then suddenly slam-dunked by an ending like THAT?...

I didn't know what to say...I didn't know whether I should say that "I was Sorry for her loss of a friend"....or "DAMN! WHY'D HE DO IT??"....or "Isn't that nice" and keep working on her PC like I hadn't been paying attention to her story...

In reality, I would NEVER have used the last option listed above...what I did do was this...I stopped working on her PC...hell, her e-mail ain't THAT important...and I started asking questions....I don't know why I did that....I didn't know the guy...never even heard of him....but, I couldn't help thinking that there WAS a REASON she told such a story such as that to me....I think, in a way, it traumatized her....here was someone from her childhood...who was happy, and intelligent...someone who she wanted to find again...and a few weeks after finding them, making contact, and sharing all of their experiences since being separated....her friend hung himself in the back yard...

I guess we all have friends that we loved and have somehow lost touch with...I often find myself thinking about some of my of friends from school and the Corps...

But, I can't help thinking about how much that man's life had touched that woman in her youth....and how joyfully she told the part about finding him again, and telling him how much she and her sister had loved their little scary latex costumes...hell, that was IMPORTANT to her...that was a PART of her childhood that she held dear...and then, the story ended...and there was sadness....

I guess, none of us really know the roles we play in other people's lives...we take it all for granted that OUR problems are greater than the problems of everyone else...I don't know the man or his problems...but, personally, I wish he hadn't done it..

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This Sucks

Well...the Christmas party was a blast....I got to sit at a table that was alive with intellgent conversation and witty commentary...unfortunately, none of it was delivered by me...but the friendship displayed was refreshing...on a lighter note, someone had managed to find a bottle of Johnny Walker....hey, any port in a storm, right?....so, I nursed a few of those, and just picked at my gorgeous plate of prime rib....a few of the ladies were dressed to the nines, and a couple of them were real knockouts...so, there was ample eye-candy to go along with the soothing drinks....I managed to stumble home about 10pm last night with a slice of incredible chocolate cake for the missus - which she adores....so, all in all, even in spite of flu...a good time was had by all.....but, right NOW is a different matter.....I'm going to go to bed in a few hours, and try to do what an old wise woman told me once....

"the best cure for a cold is half a bottle of Wild Turkey.....after that, you don't CARE if you are sick"..

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Miss Ugly??

Well, THIS certainly is a new take on the whole beauty pageant world...

"The winner of China's Miss Ugly competition has beaten to 50 rivals to clinch £7,000 worth of cosmetic surgery.

Zhang Di, 26, won on the basis that her appearance would most benefit from plastic surgery.

"My small eyes, flat nose and poor skin have been such a burden to me," she said."

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Company Christmas Party

Sorry for the lack of blogging today...been busy at work, down with a cold, and NOW I've gotta go and attend the Company Christmas Party...so, with head pounding, and nose rubbed raw, I just finished ironing my shirt and picking out a tie...believe me, I'd much rather be sitting in the blogroom drinking Scotch and nursing this cold...and bloggin' like mad tonight...instead of dragging my sorry ass out to a limited alcohol shindig....but...dammit....duty calls...I might post again tonight when I get back...otherwise, please accept my humble excuse, and come back in the morning....

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by Eric on Dec 08, 2003 | Comments(1) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» the cheese stands alone under the mistletoe links with: A Joke To Cheer Eric Up

Joke of the Day..

Phil goes on vacation to Europe and leaves his favorite dog, Max, with his younger brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog, and asks: "So, James, how's my Max doing?"

James very tersely says, "Your dog is dead."

"What!?" says Phil, astonished. "You can't just tell someone that his favorite dog is dead without a warning! You have to ease him into it."

"How?" asks James.

"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof," remarked Phil. "Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get her down, when she jumped off of the roof and broke her leg. Tell me the doctors say the dog will be okay, but it will have to stay at the vet's for a while. Are you getting all of this?"

"Yes," says James"

"Good," remarks Phil. "Then the next day, when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up, and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it?"

"Yes."

"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.

"Well," James replies, "She's on the roof...."

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Remembrance...

I've been reading a lot of posts about today being the 62nd anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor....a lot of blogs have taken the time to pause to remember the significance of that attack, and it's implications to us today...when I think of that day, one word sticks in my mind....a simple, powerful word....Resolve....

It is easy, somehow, for us to sit here today and watch The Halls of Montezuma, and cheer when Richard Widmark wins the day...the war is over....we won..it is all down in the history books....but, what we often fail to remember is that...in that day, nothing was certain...were we going to win?...where was the next attack coming from?....

I recall walking down the sidewalk of a small Scottish village once....and I noticed something strange on the small stone walls that ran between the old Victorian houses and the road...there was a row of rusty stubs about 6 inches apart that ran down the center of the stone wall....I asked a passer-by what they were....and what he said was incredible....he told me that all of those houses once had cast iron fences running along the road...but, during the war, the Ministry of Defense came and cut down the fences so that they could use the iron to build tanks....now, this was just one TINY contribution that a TINY village made...a couple of streets over, and you could see the WWI and WWII memorials of the dead JUST from that small place....

RESOLVE was a word that they knew...RESOLVE was a word that WE knew....and let us hope that we NEVER forget how to steel ourselves against the evil that we MUST destroy...

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E. V. Lucas & Betty

A few years ago, my wife's Great Aunt Betty died... She had never married, and had doted on my wife as if she were her Grandmother... When she died, I helped gather up all of her things from her house in Glasgow, and among her many possessions was a large collection of antique books.

Being a lover of books, my Father-in-law gave me one from her collection that I had been leafing through...it is a tiny little thing...a school primer....entitled "Modern Poetry"...it was printed around 1920...after we finished clearing out her home, we drove back to Montrose in a gloomy mood. We sat around the dinner table that night talking about Betty, and her life, and I began turning the pages of that little primer....and I found this poem...I read it out loud to everyone at the table as we finished our meal...I don't know why I just remembered this....but, here it is...

Jack

Every village has its Jack, but no village ever had quite so fine a Jack as ours:
So picturesque,
Versatile,
Irresponsible,
Powerful,
Hedonistic,
And lovable a Jack as ours.

How Jack lived none knew, for he rarely did any work.
True, he set nightlines for eels, and invariably caught one,
Often two,
Sometimes three;
While very occasionally he had a day's harvesting or hay-making.
And yet he always found enough money for tobacco,
With a little over for beer, though he was no soaker.

Jack had a wife.
A soulless, savage woman she was, who disapproved voluably of his idle ways.
But the only result was to make him stay out longer.
(Like Rip Van Winkle).

Jack had a big, black beard, and a red shirt, which was made for another.
And no waistcoat.
His boots were somebody else's;
He wore the Doctor's coat,
And the Vicar's trousers.
Personally, I gave him a hat, but it was too small.

Everybody liked Jack.
The Vicar liked him, although he never went to church.
Indeed, he was a cheerful Pagan, with no temptation to break more than the Eighth Commandment, and no ambition as a sinner.
The Curate liked him, although he had no simpering daughters.
The Doctor liked him, although he was never ill.
I liked him too - chiefly because of his perpetual good temper, and his intimacy with Nature, and his capacity for colouring cutties.
The girls liked him, because he brought them the first wild roses and the sweetest honeysuckle;
Also, because he could flatter so outrageously.

But the boys loved him.
They followed him in little bands:
Jack was their hero.
And no wonder, for he could hit a running rabbit with a stone.
And cut them long, straight fishing-poles and equilateral catty forks;
And he always knew of a fresh nest.
Besides, he could make a thousand things with his old pocket-knife.

How good he was a cricket too!
On the long summer evenings he would saunter to the green and watch the lads at play, and by and by someone would offer him a few knocks.
Then the Doctor's coat would be carefully detached, and Jack would spit on his hands, and brandish the bat, and away the ball would go, north and south and east and west, and sometimes bang into the zenith.
For Jack had little science:
Upon each ball he made the same terrific and magnificent onslaught,
Whether half volley, or full pitch, or long hop, or leg break, or off break, or shooter, or yorker.
And when the stumps fell he would cheerfully set them up again, while his white teeth flashed in the recesses of his beard.

The only persons who were not conspicuously fond of Jack were his wife, and the schoolmaster, and the head-keeper.
The schoolmaster had an idea that if Jack were hanged there would be no more truants; His wife would attend the funeral without an extraordinary show of grief; And the head-keeper would mutter, "There's one poacher less."

Jack was quite as much a part of the village as the church spire;
And if any of us lazied along by the river in the dusk of the evening - Waving aside nebulae of gnats,
Turning head quickly at the splash of a jumping fish, Peering where the water chucked over a vanishing water-rat - And saw not Jack's familiar form bending over his lines,
And smelt not his vile shag,
We should feel a loneliness, a vague impression that something is wrong.

For ten years Jack was always the same,
Never growing older,
Or richer,
Or tidier,
Never knowing that we had a certain pride in possessing him.
Then there came a tempter with tales of easily acquired wealth, and Jack went away in his company.

He has never come back,
And now the village is like a man who has lost an eye.
In the gloaming, no slouching figure, with colossal idleness in every line, leans against my garden wall, with prophecies of the morrow's weather;
And those who reviled Jack most wonder now what it was they found fault with.
We feel our bereavement deeply.

The Vicar, I believe, would like to offer public prayer for the return of the wanderer.
And the Doctor, I know, is a little unhinged, and curing people out of pure absence of mind.
For my part, I have hope; and the trousers I discarded last week will not be given away just yet.

E.V. Lucas.

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I See a Trend emerging...

Well, the tree is up...and it is one ugly mother, if I do say so myself...this year, we put up a silver tree....a silver Christmas tree is just wrong...but, that's not what I want to talk about this morning.....anyway, I just read this post over at Velociman's, and THEN I read his comments....heh!...I'm talking about the "legacy" section....specifically THIS quote..

"However: I will always remember the young chick finger-fucking herself to Newman's pic in Emmanuelle. THAT is the kind of legacy one aspires to. Meanwhile, life sucks, sometimes, because that ain't happening to us."

It got me to thinking.....I have to agree with the Velociman....what is your legacy?....You designed a skyscraper?....You donated money to build libraries?...You cured cancer?...Or, twenty years from now, girls will get wet by merely looking at a photo of you?....I know which one I'D CHOOSE...but, alas, we don't get to choose...but, we can dream!

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Christmas..

Well, I WAS going to put up the tree...but, the wife is still in bed and doesn't seem quite ready to get up yet...so...I guess putting up the tree will have to wait till after lunch...no biggie...I wasn't really that enthusiastic about spending three hours decorating it anyway...what I AM enthusiastic about, is making my customary liquid Christmas Cheer..Mulled Wine...I plan on making some for sipping tonight...if you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it...it's pretty easy...and it takes the edge off of decorating the tree....

Ingredients:
750ml of red wine..
35ml of brandy
300ml of water
1 sliced orange
3tblsp of sugar
1/2 sliced lemon
1/4tblsp of cinnamon
6 crushed cloves
1tblsp of nutmeg

...bring this concoction to the boil, reduce heat, and stir for 10 minutes....serve it hot in mugs...good stuff....

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by Eric on Dec 06, 2003 | Comments(7) | TrackBack (6) | Psycho Rants
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Tales From The Champagne Room
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Tales From The Champagne Room
» drowning at 2 feet sea level links with: Round-up
» Say Uncle links with: Mmmmm. Mulled Wine
» baldilocks links with: Wednesday Surfing
» Medicated Dad links with: Ooh, Mulled Wine

Saturday Linkfest...

Parkway Rest Stop has everything you EVER wanted to know about Ketchup...and if it ain't in the post, it's in the comments to his post....

Random Fate has hit the nail on the head with THIS ONE...the word radical is just as evil when applied to the Left or the Right....

Say Anything asks "Where is the Tolerance"...and he's right...

The Dax Files is a proud BLOG-DADDY!....go and visit his blog-son Dicking Around...

Anger Management has an interesting thought....

That's it...I'm going to go drink coffee now and contemplate putting up the Christmas Tree...

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My Side of the Story

There's been a lot of commotion over at Acidman's blog....He's picked up the torch that Dax lit with his "Put up or Shut up" post...Acidman is holding a contest to see if we can guess which post isn't his...It is a lot of fun...

However, I just wanted to do a quick post to explain my comments that I gave to Dax at the Jawjuh Blogmeet...which, it seems, has gotten this a bit tangled...

I read my entire blogroll everyday...but, I've only been doing this for a few months, so, there are still a LOT of blogs that I am slowly finding and enjoying. The three first people on my list of "must read everyday", were Acidman, Velociman, and Dax...These three have hugely different styles, and I like them all. They all have a sense of humor, hugely different backgrounds, and a wealth of life experiences that are individual to themselves. They write differently as a result. Anyone who reads those three blogs should be able to identify their "styles" when they are writing as themselves.

Now, it seems that this idea of "identifying a style" has morphed into a "can you copy my style"...it certainly makes you examine their writing in a different light...I guess Imitation is truly the greatest form of flattery....

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Uh Oh.....

These damn quizzes...I found this over at Big Stupid Tommy's ....MUAHAHAHHAH....I'm evidently quite Bad....


Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

You are Gaius Caesar Germanicus - better known as Caligula!

Third Emperor of Rome and ruler of one of the most powerful empires of all time, your common name means "little boots". Although you only reigned for four years, brief even by Roman standards, you still managed to garner a reputation as a cruel, extravagant and downright insane despot. Your father died in suspicious circumstances, you were not the intended heir, and one of your first acts as Emperor was to force the suicide of your father-in-law. Your sister Drusilla died that same year; faced with allegations that your relationship with her had been incestuous, you responded, bafflingly, by declaring her a god.

You revived a number of unpopular traditions, including auctions of properties left over from public shows. When a senator fell asleep at one such auction, you took each of his nods as bids, selling him 13 gladiators for a vast sum. You attempted to have your horse, Incitatus, made into a consul and hence one of the most powerful figures in Rome. It was granted a marble stable with jewels and a staff of servants. At one point you forced your comrade Macro to kill himself - in much the same vein as your father-in-law - accusing him of being his wife's pimp. You, of course, were having an affair with said wife at the time.

Things went from bad to worse. When supplies of condemned men ran short in the circus, you had innocent spectators dragged into the arena with the lions to fill their place. You claimed mastery of the sea by walking across a three-mile bridge of boats in the Bay of Naples; kissed the necks of your lovers, whispering sweet nothings like "This lovely neck will be chopped as soon as I say so,"; dallied with your sister's lover and made her pull her unborn child out of her womb prematurely. Towards the end of your reign, you had a golden statue of yourself made and dressed each day in the same clothes you yourself wore. When you eventually died, the terrified people of Rome refused to believe that such a cruel reign could ever end, and believed you to be alive for years afterwards.

DANG!...That is just SCARY....it doesn't even mention handguns or a razor sharp Ka-Bar....now, all I need is a Helen Mirren impersonator....

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Holy MILKBONE, Batman!!

They are eating dog food over HERE....heh...and comparing NOTES!! ....

...I ate a grasshopper once....but, somehow, that just doesn't compare....

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Fly Me to the Moon...

Space...the Final Frontier....HA!...I have to admit it...I like Star Trek....The idea that we will eventually live in space fills my imagination.....I like the exploration aspect of NASA, and I like the idea of continual invention that is needed for space missions....and, you've got to admit that watching that space shuttle land, or seeing a live video feed from the International Space Station is just plain COOL...So, the President says he wants to have a permanently manned station on the Moon....the Chinese are planning on having a manned Moon mission in the next few years....and NOW, we get an ARTICLE about how we can nip out into space, grab a few chunks of a passing Comet, and bring them back to Earth!....that is truly awe inspiring....space exploration?...yep, I'm for it....

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To Indigo...

I can only think of my own personal experiences....two years on a moss-covered, windswept, continually rained on ROCK in the middle of the Bering Sea...and two years in rainly, windswept RAF base in Scotland....we ALWAYS trained in the worst possible weather...

"If it ain't rainin', then we ain't TRAININ" was the ubiquitous motto of the day...

other than that explanation...maybe a bored jarhead is a dangerous thing...so..."keep'em busy" springs to mind too....

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One Thing I Don't Miss

I lived in Scotland for almost 10 years....I loved the country, and the people...the climate sometimes left a bit to be desired, but even THAT had it's moments...In a way, I miss my friends and family that I left over there...phone calls and e-mails are good, but they do NOT make up for a good night of boozing down at The Caledonian Bar....but, one thing I do NOT miss is their penchant for doing things like THIS....

"Mr Rose, a former Coldstream Guardsman with a 21-year unblemished record in the Prison Service, is claiming unfair dismissal.

The Norwich hearing was told that on Nov 15, 2001, he threw some keys into a metal chute at the prison gatehouse. When someone said it sounded as if he had thrown them so hard that they were going through the tray at the bottom of the chute, Mr Rose said: "There's a photo of Osama bin Laden there."

Peter McKinnon, another prison officer, told him to be quiet because two Asian women wearing headscarves and an Asian man were at the window of the gatehouse."

OK. If telling someone that he'd like to punch Osama, or hit him with a pair of keys a few months after 9/11 offends someone, then THEY need to be hit with more than a pair of keys..that murdering bastard deserves to be hunted down and killed...which, incidentally, seems to be taking place right now...I hope we catch that maggot soon....or better yet, I hope we identify him from a DNA sample taken from a shit-stained cave wall that a Daisycutter had just hit....He is a murderer and a terrorist...and I really don't CARE who that offends....thank GOD I'm back in America now..otherwise, it looks like I might have lost my JOB if I'd said this back in the UK...

Hat tip to Right Wing News and Tongue Tied for the article...

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Santa Caught Redhanded!!

Fresh from my buddy in Alaska.....Here is the evidence of what Santa does with the Reindeer that CAN'T fly....

...PETA Alert...

Fresh in from a hunt, authorities apprehend Santa after he culls his quota of the rare Alaskan Flightless Caribou....

P.S....this isn't Actually Santa...it's Keith from the North Slope of Alaska...thanks, Matt....

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by Eric on Dec 04, 2003 | Comments(3) | TrackBack (2) | Psycho Rants
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Tales From The Champagne Room
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Tales From The Champagne Room

HORRIBLE Joke of the Day

If I were you, I wouldn't even spend the time to read it...you've been warned.....Heh....

The foreman at the sawmill wasn't very eager to hire the blind man because of the obvious dangers and risks involved.

But the guy begged for a chance to work: "You'll see," he said. "Just put me downstream of the saw and I'll smell the type and length of the lumber and stack it accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to let him try out for the job.

The blind man positioned himself by the conveyor and signaled the foreman, who then sent down a twelve-foot piece of pine.

"Ah-hah!" said the man, breathing deeply, "pine, twelve-foot!" He then stacked it in place.

The foreman repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mahogany, and the guy didn't miss once.

Then, getting a sly look on his face, the foreman sent for the office secretary, old Mabel, and told her to hike up her skirt and ride down the conveyor belt.

Mabel, laying face-up, rode right past the perplexed blind man.

Sniffing furiously and looking very puzzled, he asked that the last piece of wood be sent through again.

The foreman complied, but not before telling Mabel, skirt still hiked, to turn over, butt-up.

Mabel, once again, rode right past the still perplexed blind man.

After a few moments of reflection, the blind man turned to the foreman with a triumphant smile: "I've got it!" he proclaimed.

"Well?" questioned the foreman.

"It's a five-foot shithouse door from a tuna boat!"

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A Smile

I was just over HERE, and I read his post about smiling....a good one, I think...so, in the spirit of stealing ideas from other people's blogs, here is MY slant on a smile...

I think he is absolutely right...a bright smile can light up an entire room...a sparkling smile can make someone's entire DAY....SOME smiles can make you feel a little funny in the pants...and SOME smiles can last you a lifetime......a genuine grin can mean a lot of things...hell, a smile can mean just about anything...but, it ALWAYS means that you are being thought about..either in a bad way, or a good way, you are on someone's mind......it could be the old, "I'd love to get you in a dark room with a straight razor and a roll of duct tape...OR, it could mean, I'd just like to get you in a dark room...

Sorry, where was I?...oh yeah...I have been accused of not smiling a lot...I think that mainly it is because as I am walking around, I'm thinking of the next task in front of me, and not just day-trippin' like a lot of people do..you know the ones....the ones who smile, and say "HEY! Howyadoin!?" to everybody they meet? Well, I don't do that very often...I speak to people when I make eye contact, but other than that, if I am looking at the ground and scowling, then it probably isn't a good idea to try to cheer me up..I'm not doing that because I'm in a foul mood, or having a bad day, I'm doing that because I am FOCUSED...I'm in the ZONE, people...so, don't break my concentration by saying "hello", and flashing a false smile...

On the OTHER hand, to give the Devil his due, I have met only two people in my entire life that could wipe me out with their smile...and, I mean WIPE me OUT...a smile, that when flashed, can melt you...y'all know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.....now, children...if you EVER get a smile like THAT, you will never forget it as long as you live.....I'm not talking about a sexy smile....or a jokey smile...or even a naughty smile....I'm talking about a smile that is a window to a soul laid bare....a REAL smile...unapologetic....unassuming...unstaged....unREAL.....if you are ever fortunate enough to see one of those...you can count yourself among the fortunate of this world....I've seen it twice....and I married one of them...so...smile more often...and MEAN it....you never know what an effect it might have on someone...

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The Onion does it Again..

....Antebellum Island....

"In casting the show, we looked for people who displayed adaptability, good judgment, and impeccable hospitality," Davies said. "But we wanted to let the contestants' personalities shape the show. We didn't just look to fill the typical slots: plantation owner, houseboy, carpetbagger, and Uncle Tom."

Executives were reluctant to reveal the themes for Antebellum's weekly competitions, but said contests might include skeet shooting, quilting bees, formal-dress cotillions, and working at a textile factory on the west side of the island for the entire show's duration with no chance at the $1 million prize."

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Talisker

ahhh....tonight, I'm basking in the glow of a exquisite Talisker...from Skye....

.."speed, bonnie boat, like a bird on a wing...over the sea to Skye"...

I treat myself sometimes, after a particularly good day at the office...and today was one...I actually saw some PROGRESS on the project I'm working on...so..you can keep your Miller, baby....it's Talisker Time....

oh...and as a result, blogging will be sporadic and drunken this evening...so, be sure to tune in later tonight..by then, I'll be quoting old lovesong lyrics, R.W. Service poems, and old Ronnie Regan speeches...

Take care of yourself, Donnie....I'll be raising the toast to "Absent Friends" tonight as well..

..and to Sisoflexx and Family and John and Beth, my deepest sympathy....

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Joke of the Day..

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Ladino, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs." Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us." I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours.' "Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, 'Mr. Pope, we're staying right here.'" And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe. "He took out his lunch so I took
out mine."

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Money Down the Drain

Guess where I've been?....no?....buying booze?...yep...How'd you guess?...I went on my bi-weekly field trip after work to go stock up on a few bottles of Scotch, and 12 or so bottles of wine....if you buy 12 or more bottles of wine, you can get the "case discount"...."What's wrong with that?", you may ask....well, it takes me TWO AND A HALF HOURS round trip to get my booze....see, for those of you who don't live down South, I live in a "dry county"...what that means is, you cannot buy Liquor or Wine in this county...or the SURROUNDING counties, for that matter...as a result, I have to drive to the outskirts of Knoxvegas to buy a bottle of Scotch, and some Chianti....now, we don't have extravagant tastes...the bottles of wine that I buy are in the $10 to $17 dollar range...and a 1/2 gallon of cheap Scotch, and 2 bottles of Single Malt Scotch are also on the purchase list......the Malts are for drinking first, and then the cheaper stuff is for a bit later in the evenings when the taste buds are sizzled....

What ranks me is this...just because I have to drive nearly 3 bloody hours to get my booze will NOT make me swear off drinking....it will NOT "reform" me...it will NOT make me drink less....what it WILL DO is make me spend $250 to $300 bucks every two weeks in a COUNTY OTHER THAN MY OWN....now, tell me what good that does for our inpoverished county? eh?...Not a DAMN thing....and trust me, good people...I ain't alone....there are LOTS of people who go up to Knoxville to buy it, and drive back home to enjoy it...

People, I think we are missing the boat here....I would love to be able to spend that money here in my county....and why shouldn't I? Surely that money could be used to upkeep our roads, ensure the schools don't fall down, or whatever....nope...instead, Knox County gets my money....and I suppose it is going to stay that way for the forseeable future....

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by Eric on Dec 02, 2003 | Comments(11) | TrackBack (3) | SWG Stories
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: While I'm grieving...
» Gut Rumbles links with: dry counties
» Medicated Dad links with: Ooh, Mulled Wine

I'm Curious...

....ok...THIS story gives you just enough information get you interested....and then leaves you with nothing but questions....like....why was this guy running?...just don't get it...

"BEIJING: A stark naked man ran the streets of northeast China's freezing Changchun city for five hours before being taken in for a dressing down at the police station, state media reported on Tuesday.

The runner impressed onlookers not just by enduring sub-zero temperatures so well, but also by being fit enough to run barefoot around the city for most of Monday morning, the Beijing Morning Post said.

When he finally stopped it was not out of exhaustion, but because a police patrol made him, wrapping him in a coat and taking him to the nearest station, according to the paper.

The man is being held at a mental hospital."

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Pink Chihuahua?

A guy steals a woman's dog...a chihuahua...sheesh....anyway...he then DYES IT PINK to try to disguise it....wow....

"Susan Leong stopped at nothing to find the man who stole her dog. She called police, she offered a $1,000 reward, she even hired a private investigator.

This week, thanks largely to her own persistence and sleuthing, Leong has her dog back. It's now pink, the result of an odd attempt by the thief to disguise it, but it's still her pet."

People will steal ANYTHING.....

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OK..so, I admit it....

I'm here, once again, listening to music..I love hearing it.....ten points and a batch of homemade Macaroon Cookies goes out to the person that can name this tune..guessing closes by daybreak, EST.

"If dreams were thunder..
and lightining was desire..
this ole house woulda burnt down
a long time ago"...

just kidding on the cookies....unless you send me your address...then, I will..after all, I'll be hosting Luuk before you know it.....I can't wait to get the little guy's photo made on the "Southern Belle" in Chattanooga....anyway.....Helen is back...and I mean BACK...

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One for My Baby...

As I mentioned earlier...I've been in a weird mood for the past few days...not really sad...kinda like I just don't give a shit.....anyway...tonight has proved, once again, that there are few things that a good Bowmore and some pleasant conversation can't soothe....I feel just dandy-O....but, maybe that's just the Scotch...hmmm...I guess we'll see in the morning...but, seeing as I'm in a sharing mood, I wanted to torture all of you bastards with that damn song that got me so depressed...hell, if I can mess with y'all, maybe I'll force the little devil on MY shoulder up your way instead....hey, nothing personal...but...better you than me, right?...so...here it is..in all it's glory...

One For My Baby

It's quarter to three,
there's no one in the place
Except you and me

So set 'em' up Joe,
I got a little story
I think you should know

We're drinking my friend,
to the end of a brief episode
Make it one for my baby
And one more for the road

I got the routine, put another nickel
In the machine
Feeling so bad, won't you make the music
Easy and sad
I could tell you a lot, but it's not
In a gentleman's code
Just make it one for my baby
And one more for the road

You'd never know it,
but buddy I'm a kind of poet
And I've got a lot of things I'd like to say
And when I'm gloomy, won't ya listen to me
Till it's talked away

Well, that's how it goes,
and Joe I know your gettin'
Anxious to close
Thanks for the cheer
I hope you didn't mind
My bending your ear
But this torch that I found,
It's gotta be drowned
Or it's soon might explode
Make it one for my baby
And one more for the road
Long, it's so long, winding road

Sinatra rocks, pally....if you have got this song in your collections somewhere...either by Frankie, Dean, Harry Connick Jr., or even Robbie Williams...then put it on...pour yourself a large Scotch....light up a cigar....and pretend you are there in Vegas..even if just for a little while....gimme one for my baby...and one more for the road...

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Dax has a Competition!!

A few months ago, at the Acidman's Jawjuh Blogmeet in Dahlonega, I made the drunken remark to Dax and Adam that when Velociman was guest bloggin for Gutrumbles, I could tell it was him....now, Dax goes and challenges us all to put our money where our mouth is, and guess the bloggers by their works...so, go on over and visit the Dax Files, and see if you can guess who said what by how they said it....good fun...really....now, GIT...what...you still here?

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In the Mood...

I've been sittin' here listening to Sinatra sing "One for my Baby"...you know the one...."And one more for the road...".....dang, I think I'm starting to depress myself..."drop another nickel....in the machine"....maybe posting a poem will help?....ahhh....I'll give it a try anyway...


To the Virgins, to make much of Time

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime,
You may for ever tarry.

Robert Herrick

...nope...dammit....that didn't help...I think I just need to stop listening to this song....

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