A Visit to the Bro...

...I'm off to Nashville this morning to visit my Brother.. I haven't seen him in about a month, so I'm driving over.. He called me a few days ago, and we talked about his situation.. much more lightheartedly than before.. I guess we all handle things differently as the mood hits us..anyway, after talking for a while, I suddenly remembered my Zevon... (by the way, this is NOT worksafe) .. I stuck it in the CD player, and we had a good ole laugh.. sometimes, all you CAN do is have a laught at life and the little curveballs it throws ya.... my Bro is one hard dude... hard in the way my Father was.. heh.. he got a tattoo a few years ago on his forearm that says "Soldier".. When I asked him why he got it, since he'd never served, he told me that... to him, the word Soldier meant someone who can "endure".. I guess looking at his arm helps him steady his keel sometimes... kinda like the last verse of that song... "Ya just can't quit"... anyway, I'm off to Nashvegas after I finish this pot of coffee..

..as usual, I am including the lyrics in case you kiddies want to sing along to my Bro's new themetune....heh...

Warren Zevon, Zevon Music BMI

Well, I went to the doctor
I said, "I'm feeling kind of rough"
Let me break it to you, son
Your shit's fucked up."
I said, "my shit's fucked up?"
Well, I don't see how--"
He said, "The shit that used to work--
It won't work now."

I had a dream
Ah, shucks, oh, well
Now it's all fucked up
It's shot to hell

Yeah, yeah, my shit's fucked up
It has to happen to the best of us
The rich folks suffer like the rest of us
It'll happen to you

That amazing grace
Sort of passed you by
You wake up every day
And you start to cry
Yeah, you want to die
But you just can't quit
Let me break it on down:
It's the fucked up shit

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Been There....

....well...not ACTUALLY....but, I can certainly relate to THIS.... of course, I have a very long list of people that I'd LIKE to mail a copperhead....

"Bob Sam Castleman, an attorney and former city judge in Pocahontas, Arkansas, and his son, Jerrod, were charged with mailing a cardboard box containing a venomous copperhead snake to a neighbor with whom they had feuded. The two pleaded guilty in federal court on Wednesday.

The wife of the man to whom the poisonous package was addressed opened the box and saw the snake, about 28 inches (71 cm) long, slither out. Police soon arrived on the scene in Pocahontas, about 140 miles (225 km) northeast of Little Rock, and shot the snake dead. "

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Work it, Baby...

Finally....a workout I might be able to handle....AIR GUITAR!!

"US dance tutor Laila Hardman says by mimicking the likes of Slash and Eddie Van Halen people can develop all the major muscle groups.

She says by recreating the Townshend Windmill, the Angus Young Shuffle, the May Mosh and the Parfitt Sway to high-tempo rock music participants can have a "full-on cardo-vascular work-out."

The instructor says the work-out has been modelled on Punk Rock Aerobics which has become popular in New York.

Ms Hardman said: "It works all the major muscle groups paying particular attention to the legs and the upper body, as elements of the class will incorporate free weights to mimic the weight of a real guitar."

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Driving...

...my car was due for a service on Monday....so, I called the dealership, and scheduled an appointment for my baby on Thursday...at 1pm...at Harper's Audi in Knoxville... the Wife drives over to where I work this afternoon, and I give her a tour of the plant... she's never visited before, and my co-workers are all freaking out about getting to meet her....heh....she enjoyed the attention.. anyway, we drove into town and had lunch... and she dropped me off at work, and we exchanged keys... she would drive my car to Knoxville, and I'd drive hers home in the afternoon....

...as she pulled away in my A4... with 6-speed Audi Tiptronic Transmission, I suddenly realized that her car was a 5-speed manual.... it hit me like a brick wall.. I've not driven a manual transmission car in 5 years!.. I wonder if I'll stall at some redlight and look like a weenie... oh, the horror... but, at the same time, I realized that it didn't matter... I had no choice...so, I might as well give'er a try...

...Damn, people, I had FUN on the way home... I had totally forgotten what a pleasure it was to drive a stickshift.. especially on the curvy backroads of East Tennessee...I ragged her little car out on every curve...down-shifting and punching her little wagon, with wild abandon, into each bend....hell, I've said before that I drive relaxed and calm...and slow....and, I enjoy it...but, that's in MY car....it is a pleasure to sit in it...smell it...feel the leather...hear the Bose audio...my car is a dream... you WANT to drive slow and enjoy the ride...

..HER car, on the other hand, is a nightmare.. empty potato chip wrappers are piled chest-high in the passenger seat.. the passenger side floorboard is cluttered with empty Reeses Cup wrappers and old bean dip containers.. even the occasional Vogue magazine lies amongst the flotsam somewhere....but the shifter?... it's there... and the racing steering wheel?... it's there... that car SCREAMS to be thrashed...

..the last time I drove a manual car, it was my old A4 back in Scotland.. the steering wheel was on the OTHER side...so, I had to adjust my shifting techniques to my other hand.. I got used to driving like that... and today, it was an awakening.... it reminded me of my first "newish" car... a 1987 Mustang.... I'd had two cars before it... my first was a 1951 Merc... my second was a 1951 Ford... I threw a rod on the Ford, and my Mother told my Father and I that we'd reached the end of our "old car tinkerings".... so, I bought the Mustang... anyway, today, driving along and changing gears with the CORRECT hand, it took me back to my old Mustang.... wow....what a blast....

...so... I get home tonight.. and my freshly groomed A4 is sitting in the drive sparkling like a new diamond... I walk inside, and the Wife is washing dishes that were left over after our guests left last night.... and, she looks up at me with the most mournful eyes you've ever seen...

"What's wrong?", I ask..

"Your car....I'm afraid I'm fallling in love with it...it has so much power....and it just glides...and it's so quiet.", she says...

"Wow! That's funny! I was just going to tell you how much I enjoyed driving YOUR car today! I really liked swinging into those curves! I'd totally forgotten how much fun it was to drive a stick-shift!"

"Wanna swap?", she grins...

"heh, not on your life, baby..."

...She threw a handful of soap suds at me.... but... I really DID enjoy driving her car today...I guess variety really IS the spice of life....

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WOW..I'm in LOVE...

....with Anna-Marie Lever.....check THIS out....

"Ever taken a girl to a fancy restaurant in hope of some action in return?

Male striped ground crickets, Allonemobius socius, go one step further and let females chew off their tibial spur and suck out their hemolymph. The female crickets’ equivalent of posh nosh. Transferred along with this nutritious gift, the spermatophore, is the male’s sperm. Sagebrush cricket males even let their females chew their hind wings and lap up the blood that oozes forth during copulation.

The presentation of food to a mate during courtship or copulation is called nuptial feeding. It is almost always the male who gives food to the female. A male can benefit from this investment if he attracts more females or if, by fattening up his mate, he sires healthier offspring. It may also deflect unwanted cannibalistic attention through ‘mate guarding’ as a looked after female will stay with her mate.

The bigger the gift the more accommodating the female may become. Males bearing small gifts are often punished by not being allowed to copulate for long. This might explain why the hunting spider, Pisaura mirabilis, the only spider known to give gifts, takes the trouble to gift wrap the present of a dead fly in silk. The more silk, the more time the female takes to feed, even when the meal is paltry.

Gifts may take all sorts of forms. The female tropical cockroach, Xestoblatta hamata, feasts on anal secretions produced by their mates after sex. Balloon fly males use toys to keep their females interested. The males make the female a large white silk balloon to play with while they make love.

Some females may also do anything to keep their ideal man, including providing refreshments on tap. In the Zeus bug, Phoreticovelia diaparate, this comes in the form of secretions from glands situated on the female’s back, precisely where a mounted male’s mouthparts rest. The male latches onto the female and she carries him around doing all the housekeeping chores including scavenging for food on the surface of rivers. It is still unclear why the female is so hospitable, maybe in fear of being eaten by the carnivorous insect stuck to her back. Appropriately, Zeus bugs are named after the Greek God, who consumed his first wife, Metis. She’d probably forgot the dirty dishes or something."

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I'd LOVE to See This...

...a dog....left front leg? ...gone.... right rear leg?... gone.... what does it spend all day doing?....HERDING SHEEP!!!....damn, only in NZ, people...even their DOGS are hardcore....

A New Zealand farmer is using his two-legged border collie to round up sheep.

Ian McDonald, of Maungati, says six-year-old Meg can still move with ease round a small flock.

She responds to Mr McDonald's instructions and whistles around the sheep, but drops down the moment she stops running.
..and....

The farmer says many other farmers may not have kept her but there was something about her personality that made him spend several thousand dollars on the operations. He added: "She's a bloody dear dog but she is strong-eyed and does the job."

His wife, Joy, says since Meg had her second leg amputation she moved a lot easier and seemed happier

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by Eric on Jan 28, 2004 | Comments(3) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Irish Extreme Sports.

A Russian General...

hmmm...I wonder what The Commissar has to say about THIS?...heh...

"A Russian air force general landed his MiG fighter jet on its belly after forgetting to lower the landing gear and was forced to eject to safety.

"The pilot forgot to put the landing gear down," Russian Air Force chief Colonel General Vladimir Mikhailov said.

He said that an empty additional fuel tank suspended under the fighter's fuselage helped cushion the impact, and the jet suffered minimal damage during the landing at a military airbase in the southern Rostov region."

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Link Orgy...

Okey dokey, children....I was listening to some old Buffett on the way home from work yesterday....and, I suddenly realized that I hadn't spread any linky love around lately...don't blame me, my MT install is hammered....and, as a result, my trackbacks haven't been working....so, this may be an exercise in futility...which wouldn't surprise me....most things around here are just that, but that's beside the point....so...without further delay, here is my Wednesday Link Orgy ...enjoy, kiddies....oh, and if you get linked in here under something totally weird, please be gentle with your hatemail...I was drinking when I did this...

This Hotel Room...as performed by Mr. Buffett...
Written by Steve Goodman, 1975

This hotel room’s gotta lotta stuff
Laundry bag and a shoe shine cloth
Thirty two hangers and a touch tone phone
Well a light that comes on when I ain’t home

I ain’t home
I ain’t home
You better leave a message ’cause
I ain’t home

They got an air conditioner for when I’m hot
A radiator for when I’m not
Two big chairs sittin’ side by side
With a holy Bible and the tv guide

Tv guide
The tv guide
Great God almighty
It’s the tv guide

I gotta second story view from curb to curb
I gotta sign that reads do not disturb
A monogrammed towel and a bucket of ice
A chest of drawers and a mirror that lies

Mirror that lies
A mirror that lies
That couldn’t be me
In the gorilla disguise

They got a room service menu for food and drink
A porcelain throne and an aluminum sink
Two big pillows to rest my head
A magic fingers and a king-size bed

Put in a quarter
Turn out the light
Magic fingers makes ya feel alright

Uh feel alright
Feel alright
Magic fingers makes you feel alright

Uh this ol’ hotel’s all right with me
They pay the postage if you lose the key
This hotel room’s gotta lot of stuff
But I do believe I’ve had enough

Called my baby said don’t you pout
I’m packin’ my bags and I’m checkin’ out
Just as soon as you hang up the telephone
Stick a candle in the window I’m comin’ home

Comin’ home
Uh comin’ home
Stick a candle in the window
I’m comin’ home

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G'night....

...sorry, folks....I had a big ole linky fest that I was working on....but, I got distracted by a phonecall from my Brother....now, I'm depressed as hell, and I can smell lasagna in the kitchen....I can't blog tonight....I want to, but I can't ...all I can say is go... right fucking now, and buy Staind's "Outside"... and Three Doors Down "Here Without You"....I'm gonna get hammered and eat lasagna...my Bro is in a very dark place right now...darker than most of us could imagine....and, I want to be with him, but I can't.....I've blogged before about "long distance relationships"...."helplessness"..... "distance" ....and a lot of other shit regarding feelings and pain... ..but... that's all just candy.. you and I.... we REALLY don't know what pain and loss is... sometimes, we THINK we do... but, until it is squatting in YOUR backfuckingyard, I guess we'll not understand... hell, I don't understand now.. but, I want to.... but I can't... so....there....no bloggin tonight... g'night, campers....

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Supersize...

The things some people will go through....THIS GUY destroyed his own body for a documentary....sheesh....although...I think it would have been more entertaining if he'd chosen Taco Bell.....

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You've Got Mail...

....a few nights ago, The Wife and I watched "Sleepless in Seattle"...a few days later, we watched "You've Got Mail"....word up....don't watch those two movies that close to each other...it will throw a major mindjob on you...sitting here now, it is STILL hard to remember which was which...

..anyway, last night, we watched "The Shop Around the Corner"...with Jimmy Stewart and Margaret Sullivan...the "You've Got Mail" story was based on this one....and, friends and neighbors, I'm here to tell ya...Tom Hanks doesn't deserve to wipe Stewart's ASS...that movie rocked...

..the down-side was that the movie came on TCM kinda late...so...I was Scotched-up enough to begin to equate their "letters" to blogging...and, even to stuff I wrote back when I was a pup in high school...I told my wife about a journal I kept way-back-when...back then, I was madly in love with a girl named Lisa the whole time I was in school....she was incredible....cheerleader, of course....I had the same college-bound English class that she did...although, I never actually went to college, but that's another story....

...I never even spoke to her directly the whole time I was in school...she was the unattainable....she was the shining jewel on the pedestal....at least to me....in retrospect, if I'd had the balls to walk up to her and ask her out..take my chances, so to speak...I might have whisked her away on my arm....but, that is not the point of this, and it was NOT the point of it then....I wanted her to be the unattainable prize...I NEEDED her to be the thing that I couldn't get....couldn't have....I don't know why, but I liked our one-way relationship better that way....

..I wrote poetry about her...for her...beCAUSE of her....and she never knew....I filled a notebook with poems of her....and she never knew....but, more importantly, I didn't WANT her to know at the time...Hell, I'd been reading the classical romantics at the time, and maybe I was getting a little too inspired by them...but, I found comfort in worshipping her from afar.....and, on the last day of school...before we graduated....I wrote her a note...anonymous, of course....and left the journal in her locker...

....two days later, I was bound for Parris Island...and, I've never spoken to her to this day...

...while watching "The Shop Around the Corner", I mentioned my little journal to my Wife....earlier in our courtship, I had written poems to my Wife as well....but, as I told her about my story, she smiled and asked....."what did you write?", ...I suddenly stumbled to find the words..."I wrote about the Elm trees in my back yard....once, I had a dream...and I woke up, and wrote...'I sometimes see you standing in the moonlight...beneath the Elms'"...she raised herself onto her elbows, and said.."mmmm....I know those Elm trees.....how did the rest of it go?"....

...and....there I sat....I didn't remember the rest of the poem....I don't remember ANY of the poems that are in that little journal...I would give anything to have that journal back now...I WANT to know what I said...what I felt...what I imagined....but, it is gone...

What did Lisa do with that handwritten note book?…the one that was mysteriously found in her locker on the last day of school?....the one that no one signed their name to?...did she discard it?....did she keep it?....did she even READ it?...ahhhh......oblivion....

....if you have not seen the original "Shop Around the Corner"....do yourself a favor...rent it...wait till it is on TCM again...whatever....but, make SURE you see it....two people "met" via letters....and the truth of their souls were bared to each other over the written word...none of us have any idea of the power we hold.....sometimes, our words have a deeper impact than we can possibly imagine...sometimes, they have no impact at all, except upon ourselves...but, regardless....our words are OUR words....and we should keep them....if only to remind ourselves later of where we have been...

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People Will Steal ANYTHING...

.....no comment.....

HERE it is...

...just plain crazy....

"JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (Reuters) - South African gunmen staged a daring heist to steal some $14,000 worth of "Chappies" chewing gum, police said Thursday. "We don't know if they were targeting the Chappies specifically or whether they came across the Chappies by chance," police spokesman Thobile Xakeka said"

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South Florida casual...

...THIS has gotta be one of the best descriptions of a "porn shop" owner that I've ever heard......

"On the afternoon of New Year's Eve, Pasch sits in his claustrophobic, bathtub-sized office, equipped with a phone, fax, video player, and small television, which monitors the store. The air is hazy from the Kools he puffs. He's South Florida casual, in shorts and a half-buttoned-up shirt. His head is fleshy and round, with bulging, bloodshot eyeballs, and his eyebrows remain black, though his hair is vanishing and gray. Pasch possesses the gregarious manner of a businessman who relies on personality to win customers. He's not hard to like. "

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The Naked Rambler

First off, let me just say that on many levels, I admire the hell out of this guy...and, with that said...on OTHER levels, he's as nutty as a fruitcake.. Having walked quite a bit in Scotland myself...I can attest to the cold, wind, rain, and midges that THIS GUY must have endured...I'd have frozen to death in two days...

A man trying to walk naked from Land's End to John O'Groats has finally reached his goal.

Over the course of his journey Stephen Gough, 44 has been arrested numerous times, made several court appearances and has served two jail sentences.

He began the 900-mile walk about seven months ago as a human rights protest to celebrate the naked human form, and to try to convince the public to stop being paranoid about the naked body.

.....and....

He has spent his time walking, often in near freezing temperatures, wearing only socks, walking boots, his hat and his rucksack. Speaking as he approached his final goal, Mr Gough said he planned to take a dip in the sea, even with today's rain and cold temperatures.

He said: "Quite often there are big points in our lives, such as getting married, when you think 'what am I going to do after that?'

"When that time arrives it can quite often be a bit of an anti-climax and so what I'm trying to do is just try to enjoy walking along and enjoy the moment because getting there is just another moment."

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by Eric on Jan 25, 2004 | Comments(3) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» The Brier Patch links with: Here We Go Again

Mission Status: Failure

...last night, I saw the culmination of months of planning...result in Total Mission Failure...the Mission? Go to the movies....sounds simple, right? ....well, evidently not...

...the Wife loves to go to the movies...I prefer to wait till it comes out on video...anyway, she decides that she will ask a friend of mine from work to go with her...here is where the fun began...the Wife normally works every second weekend...the Friend has her children every other week...so, it takes them two months to finally get a date nailed down to go out....the date duly arrives, and last night, they met at Straight White House at 5:45pm....the doorbell goes, I wander through and open the door...the Wife rushes out of the bedroom, fresh from finishing her make-up....I exchange a few pleasantries with the ladies...compliment them both on how nice they look...advise them to be safe, and enjoy themselves....and..I also ask them to bring me back a slice of Key Lime Pie from wherever they have dinner...I then, very gently, boot them out the door...

...perfect, thinks I...a night to myself to blog, drink Scotch, and just have a helluva Friday night by myself...and, when the blogging is done, I'll have a nice piece of pie as a midnight snack....I was wrong...

...they decide to have dinner before the movie instead of after...the arrive at Applebee's to find it packed with Friday Night Flotsam...but, they persevere...after 30 minutes, they are seated and eating...they finish their meal, and inquire about my Key Lime Pie....and, Applebee's informs them that they don't have Key Lime Pie...doing their best in damage control, they procure a slice of cheesecake with caramel drizzled over it....

...so, off they whisk to the nearest theater....approaching the aging attendant, they are told that the movie has been playing for 45 minutes....they ask about alternate viewing times, and all are unacceptable...so, they hop into the jeep, and zip over to the other theater across town....heh...the teenybopper attendant told them the same thing...the movies are all half over, and they'll have to wait an hour before the next showing...

...just finishing my first Talisker of my gloriously quiet Friday night, I wander through to the living room...where, I see headlights in the drive...."Could they be back already? Hell, it is only 7:30"....and sure enough, here comes the Wife walking up the path.....

...so, I sat and listened to the drama that had been played out....I poured her a glass of wine, refilled my tumbler with Scotch...and we kicked off our Friday night together...blogging was terminated for the evening...but, now that it is morning, I am amazed when I think back on it...the old BAMCIS acronym comes to mind....it took two months for two women to Begin the planning, Arrange recon, Make recon, Complete the planning, Issue the order, and Supervise....the mission? Go watch a movie, and bring back pie....the result? Total Mission Failure...heheeheh....but, you gotta love those two gals...

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Men and Women...

....at work today, an email containing a spreadsheet was sent round the office...when you opened the attachment, it asked you to type your name in one of the columns...if you did this, it would display your "perfect job"....I know...pretty cheesy...but, bear with me....you put in your name, and it says things like...."Dog Grooming Specialist"....."Office Snitch"...."Professional Boxer"...and a million and one other things.....so, I put my name in, and it listed my "perfect job" as "Vibrator Tester"....can you believe that?

...anyway...I took this little test about 5 minutes before lunch break...so, I go walking into the conference room for lunch, and all of the women are sitting around the table unwrapping their Subway Sandwiches...discussing THEIR "perfect jobs"....when, behold, one of them asked me what that spreadsheet had told ME....so, I replied, "It hit me RIGHT on the head..my perfect job is "Vibrator Tester"...

....cackles...squeals...half-eaten Subways spewed across the conference table...tears were being wiped away from eyes....it was the total scene, people...

..I just stood there...I couldn't figure out why they thought that was so funny...and THEN, I got it...but, only when one of the girls asked, "So, WHERE were you TESTING the Vibrators?!?! BHWHAHAHA"....

....but...y'all would have been proud of me...I kept my composure...

"You Ladies have it all wrong...when that spreadsheet told me my perfect job, I immediately had a flash-picture in my brain....like a snapshot of me at my perfect job..."....some of the laughter had calmed down, and they were starting to pay attention....

I continued..."I suddenly saw myself in a white lab coat....with a clip board in my hand...and a pocket full of buzzing devices....I was walking down a long line of hospital beds...buxom young female librarians were enjoying the fruits of modern technology....faces buried in their pillows, and their asses in the air...

…as I approached the first one, I took the pen from my pocket and inquired thusly:

Me: Ahhh, I see you chose the Purple Passion with the new rotating function...how do you like it?
Librarian #1: unhhhh .....unggghhhh ....mmmmm... uhhh... ooohhh...
Me: I see, I see....very nice....thank you very much...

...I take a few steps...

Me: Wow….I see you chose the titanium Orgasmatron 200 AND the Pocket Egg....QUITE a combination...I'm impressed....How do you like the results so far?
Librarian #2: oooomigod... oooMIgod.... oooomiiiiGOD... OHHmiiiiiGAWD....
Me: DANG!...How can your legs quiver so much without you actually falling over?...uh...never mind...thanks for your ....uh...input...

I wiped my brow, and said to the rest of the long line of panting librarians, “Remember to drink lots of water...I don't want any of you to be less than fully hydrated for the experiment….and…be honest with your answers….this IS for posterity, you know"

...that’s what I told’em….heh…that was what I pictured…..so...how is it that the minds of Women and Men can grasp something as SIMPLE as "Vibrator Tester"...so differently?...

..I actually think they liked MY version of "Vibrator Tester" better than the one that each of them had imagined...but, I'm not 100% sure....although...I DO believe that dang spreadsheet knows me pretty well...

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by Eric on Jan 23, 2004 | Comments(5) | TrackBack (4) | SWG Stories
» Mind of Mog links with: The Dangers Of Following Links
» DramaQueen links with: warning: slightly raunchy post ahead
» dramaqueen .:. irish by marriage, so you can kiss my... links with: just a little more to the left... oh yeah BABY!
» dramaqueen .:. irish by marriage, so you can kiss my... links with: just a little more to the left... oh yeah BABY!

Yoga Therapy...

....a guy's wife has a substance abuse problem....she goes a little off the deep end on New Years....and, he smacks her....now, I don't condone being mean, rude, threatening, violent, or nasty to ANYONE...especially those of the fairer sex....unless...UNLESS they really...REALLY need it....this guy's situation could have been handled differently...but, sentencing him to YOGA CLASSES adds a certain Texas flair to the whole story....I suppose that yoga may indeed calm him down....and, he probably won't smack his wife anymore....which is a good thing.....but, I wonder what his "Anger Management" yoga classes are going to do for HER substance abuse problem?

...I, for one, have certainly needed....and GOTTEN....a good smack upside the head...to help put me back on track...to show me the err of my ways....and correct ungentlemanly behavior in general....sometimes, we ALL need a good smack...but, a huge gulf exists between a smack...and a beating....someone who BEATS someone...doesn't need a smack...they need a knee-capping...and some wall-to-wall counseling...

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wow.....

...simply amazing....

BUCHAREST, Romania (Reuters) -- A team of Romanian and U.S. doctors say they have successfully removed a tumor weighing 175 pounds (80 kilograms) from a woman patient in an operation lasting 10 hours.

Lucica Bunghez, 47, had been largely confined to bed because of the tumor, which weighed almost double her body weight and covered her back, waist and hips.

"She is very well, the lack of the tumor really suits her," Ion Lascar, head of the plastic surgery department of Floreasca Hospital in Bucharest, told reporters on Wednesday.

"The lack of the tumor really suits her"??....that doctor needs smacked...hard....now....

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Achilles Tendon

Folks....if you want to seriously fuck yourself up without actually KILLING yourself....cut your Achilles Tendon....you WILL be messed up for the REST of your life....during hand-to-hand combat training, most of the old USMC moves resulted in either a broken arm....or a severed Achilles Tendon....or both....and, friends....taking out the enemy's tendon will render him pretty dang useless....not as useless as if you'd blown his brains out....but, pretty useless as a foot-soldier for the rest of their life....anyway...sorry to keep rambling....but, I just read THIS....and thought I would share....

The clip on A Crow Left of the Murder, to be released on February 3, shows Brandon Boyd wandering through his yard picking up dog poo.

He then slips on a pile he missed and suffers a nasty fall that severs his foot at the ankle, causing a fountain of blood to spurt in the air.

The short film dramatises how Boyd actually severed 90% of his Achilles tendon two months ago. He was in his front yard repotting a tree, and when he lifted the tree he stepped backward onto a large shard of the original broken pot, which severed 90%of his Achilles tendon.

"It not only cut [the tendon], it lifted all of the flesh off the back of my leg," he recently told Los Angeles' KROQ-FM. "A hand-sized piece was shredded."

..I am not familiar with Incubus' music.....but, their choice in bodily injury is PERFECT...you wanna hurt?....yep...THAT'S the way to do it....

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Joke of the Day...

Fresh from today's e-mail....and, in a way, in direct rebuttal to THIS....I leave you with...

Everyday I give thanks to my God
that I got a dick and drink like a sod.
I like to play sports, I love to get naked,
Is it our fault that you girls have to fake it?

I own lots of tools and don't mind putting on weight,
when I get ready for a party, my ass is never late.
I can actually drive a car and even change a tire,
my ability to produce children will never expire.

When a male is born, it is clearly heaven-sent,
that's why a woman ain't never been president.
I can pee without squatting, I've slept in a tent,
women's fatal flaw is that they are subservient.

First and foremost, my looks don't govern my life,
When I gain a few pounds, I don't go under the knife.
I don't read the nutrition labels, I like red meat,
if any women objects, she can just take a seat.

I don't own a hairdryer,I brush my hair with my hands,
I am considered the better gender in the majority of lands.
I admittedly desire a mirror on my bedroom ceiling,
I don't go cry when someone hurts my feelings.

Listen to me girls, I need to tell you something right quick,
it pertains to lovemaking and my almighty dick
That thing that you guard like treasure,
Men realize its true purpose is for pleasure.

Right at home is where all women should stay,
Cuz men are the ones that make the real pay.
Just cuz you can speak with prim and proper diction,
Doesn't mean you belong outside of the kitchen!!

yeah, yeah....I know...let the beatings commence....sheesh...it's SATIRE on this site, folks....

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Robert Burns Night...

..my first Burns Night.....ahhhh....I remember it well....you see, in Scotland, most towns have an annual Burns Night to celebrate the life and poetry of Rabbie Burns...many towns..of any substantial size, have three or more Burns Suppers..the town I lived in...Montrose...had MANY Suppers....some were held in local pubs...some in the townhouse....and, a few were held in local Hotels....THE Burns Supper to ATTEND, was hosted by "The Montrose Burns Club"....of which, the father of my girlfriend had been a former President....He was a Dentist..and a member of the 41 Club...Doctors, Lawyers, the CO of the nearest Naval Base, etc, were invited to THIS Burns Supper....and, it was a high honor to be invited...the Club would offer three or four tickets to the Brass of the base I was on...and the rest had to do without....anyway....to make a long story short, after my soon-to-be-father-in-law invited me, I contacted my SgtMaj to ask his advice....he, of course, reported my invitation to the CO of my Company....who, incidentally, hadn't been invited....and, the report was passed down to me that I would have to dress in full Dress Blues...including sword...as this was a "high" function in the "local" community....and Marines were not often invited...

...my soon-to-be-father-in-law explained the situation to me....he and 8 of his friends would meet at his house...dressed in their kilts and other finery....and have a few drams...we would then have the women of the family drive us to the Hotel....where we would partake of the festivities.....afterwards....on a cold, January, Scottish night...we would WALK through town...and back to our homes...this, evidently, was the tradition of which I was being initiated...fabulous party, plenty of drinks...entertainment...loads of food...some brogue poetry...and then, hypothermia awaited for the walk home...heh....trust the Scots to come up with THAT particular mix of pleasure and pain...

Anyway...that was the plan.... and, at the end of the day...Five US Servicemen attended the Supper that night...A USN Captain...he was commander of the WHOLE BASE I was on...his XO.... and some suck-up LTCDR Chaplain guy...and me...ole Cpl Straight White Guy...and my SgtMaj.... *I convinced my soon-to-be-father-in-law to invite him.... he AND my STBFIL were BOTH happy with this idea*...of course...the OTHER three sat at the top table.... and I was down in amongst the Doctors, Lawyers, and Indian Chiefs....with the SgtMaj...well....we all sat down for our appetizer....haggis, of course....complete with the piper playing the bagpipes, and marching in front of the chef as it was hauled in....and THEN, the recitation....of "Tae A Haggis"...by one of the Soon-To-Be-Presidents....and...Just at the moment of the climax of the poem, he slit open the glorious pudding with his sghean dubh...there was much applauding.... much Scotch consumed.... and much haggis eaten....

Next came the meal..Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding....and then....the speeches....the President called upon someone to give a "Toast to the Lasses"...and then upon another to "Reply on behalf of the Lasses"...of which, I am very sorry to say, none were present....it was a male-only function, you see...Burns having died of Syphilis and all....and the speeches continued...."A Toast to Burns Clubs the World'oer".....inevitably, followed by a "Reply".....and then....the entertainment....while the whole host of party-goers were getting toasty on Rusty Nails and Single Malt, other individuals squirmed their ways through "Holy Willie's Prayer"...the most insightful poem of Human Nature I've ever read.....and "To a Mouse"....a tale about how fragile we all are as humans...

all in all, my first Burns Supper was one of the greatest nights of my life...I really miss the annual January Burns Supper..and, THIS year...I'm having the First Annual SWG Burns Supper here in Tennessee......I miss the comradeship....I miss getting dressed up in a Tuxedo and hobnobbing with the local "gentry".....and, I really miss hearing Burns' poetry being read in the Scottish tongue...it was one of those incredible little bonuses of traveling....that you just happen upon...a true gem..this year, I will be hosting my own little gem....but, I digress....

...later that night....as we walked home through the darkened streets of Montrose...we came to Rose Hill...a small bridge crossing a stream...bordered on one side by a small housing district...and on the other...by a graveyard dating back to the 1600s....I...being me....and armed with a USMC NCO Sword...told the elderly Scotsmen present...that...in our drunken state, we MUST take that BRIDGE....so...drawing my sword from the scabbard, I whirled it over my head like Nathan Bedford Forrest must have done with 2 pints of Scotch in his belly...and yelled..."To Robbie Burns!!!"....and, without thinking, 7 drunken, middle-aged Scotsmen cheered...and suddenly followed me across the stone bridge...

...Exhausted...drunk...and extremely pleased with ourselves after our assault, I sheathed my sword...the police car had just passed, and wasn't likely to turn around at that hour of the night....and, each of us congratulated ourselves for surviving our brave charge across the Rose Hill Bridge at 2AM on January 25th, 1992...a date which will SURELY live in the minds of all present....after we steadied ourselves, we walked the rest of the way home....we arrived to find the women adrift in a sea of wine...seemingly, they had their OWN Burns Night while us MEN were at the Park Hotel....but, they welcomed us, nonetheless...and we went to bed....and, we had sausage and eggs the next morning...

..what I want to get across to you..is the feeling.....I felt so welcome that night...never before have I been so wholeheartedly accepted into a community than I was that night...I attended The Montrose Burns Club's Burns Night for the next 8 years....one more time as an "outsider"...and the rest as that great man's Son-in-Law.....I never missed a meeting....I will miss it this weekend...and for that, Duncan, I am sorry....Absentibus Amicis, Duncan....I wish I was there, my friend...to lead you...John...and Glenn..once again, across the bridge at Rose Hill....

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by Eric on Jan 21, 2004 | Comments(4) | TrackBack (2) | SWG Stories
» Velociworld links with: ROBBIE BURNS
» The Brier Patch links with: Good Vibes

...Yard Birds...

Key West seems to be having a rather unusual problem....thousands of wild chickens are running rampant.....like I said, they seem to have a problem....perhaps I could suggest a SWG BBQ Apron?....hehehe

A city ordinance forbids killing the cluckers, but their growing numbers, plus their tendencies to scratch up yards and defecate where they please, have prompted city officials to plan to move half the chicken population to a bird sanctuary near Tampa.

In response, the chicken-lovers have come out in force. ChickenFest Key West (search) has been scheduled for June 17-20, including a Foghorn Leghorn look-alike contest and a "Poultry in Motion" parade.

"We're definitely not inviting Colonel Sanders to be the grand marshal," Key West Mayor Jimmy Weekley told the Associated Press.

One man pleaded with the city not to go ahead with the plan, according to the Miami Herald, imploring officials to think of the island's children.

"They grow up with computers, with war," he said. "If you take away natural life, our children are going to have a harder time in the world."

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Hawking in Danger??

This story is just WEIRD....anyone else heard about THIS?...it's full of strange comments like...

"Detectives want to question Hawking about a number of minor injuries he recently suffered."

...and...

"The Daily Mirror reported on Monday that Hawking’s three children feared he might be the victim of someone suffering from Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, a disease where sufferers harm others to draw attention to themselves.

“The family are worried sick. They’ve been suspicious for some time that someone has been harming Stephen,” an unnamed source told the newspaper.

The inquiry was triggered when nursing staff contacted police last summer after the professor was left stranded in his wheelchair in the garden of his home on the hottest day of the year and suffered severe heatstroke and sunburn, the Mirror said."

I mean....if someone is hurting him...why doesn't he TELL somone?....personally, if I saw someone tweaking someone in a wheelchair, they'd be in for a stomping...sheesh...

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The Morning Venom..

"If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee."- - - Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill)
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it!".- - - Winston Churchill, in reply

"Do you mind if I smoke?"- - - Oscar Wilde (to Sarah Bernhardt)
"I don't care if you burn.".- - - Sarah Bernhardt, in reply

"You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease."- - - John Montague (to John Wilkes)
"That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."- - - John Wilkes, in reply

courtesy of Strange Cosmos

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Thank God for Insomnia..

Juliette was having trouble sleeping.....and creates some wonderfully insighful writing because of it....ahhhh...Juliette...you're a star..

"She used her femininity to figuratively emasculate every man on that panel and those men, being well-indoctrinated into the feminist code, let her do it.

I heard nothing that McDonald said after that and I distinctly recall the words “STFU, B” coming out of my mouth.

We American women are very powerful, likely the most powerful women on Earth ever. We can be nearly anything we want, ability and desire existing. There is much of which we are in control, including how we relate to and with men. With that in mind, we have to ask ourselves many questions. The most important one we all need to ask ourselves is this: do we need to exert and/or increase our power at the expense of the power of the men in our lives? "

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Jeremiah Johnson

There are very few movies that I remember watching with my Father...we usually spent time outdoors instead...building fence...working in the barn...tinkering with a thousand half-broken things in his workshop...but, for some reason, sitting down with him and watching a movie...or TV...just never happened...he was always busy with his hands...always moving...always working...heh, I believe he was an artist at heart...even if some of his "art" was a little on the intimidating side...he made it for himself...and gave it away gladly to admirers at the drop of a hat...every member of my family has something that he made with his hands...he made stick men out of railroad spikes....he twisted copper wire into hearts with arrows through them...he made huge Conan-the-Barbarian-esque swords and battle axes out of broken railroad rail......he made a giant copper ashtray once...I still have it....it looks more like something a Viking would carry into battle to bludgeon the enemy with...than an ashtray....but, in their own way, each thing he made was beautiful...each thing he made...contained a bit of his essence...

..One of the few times that he’d stop what he was doing…was to watch Jeremiah Johnson...together, we watched Robert Redford build his first greenhorn fire...under that fateful hemlock tree many, many times....each time that clump of snow fell on his fledgling fire, Dad would quietly say...just under his breath...."Damn.."....it was like he was there with Redford...freezing under that tree...knowing that with out the fire, he would surely die that night....and with fire, he would survive....I think that is the way my Dad lived his life...I think he understood...in a way that I will never be able to, exactly how Jeremiah Johnson felt at that precise moment...

That movie, in so many ways, tells a story of pain, loss, endurance, will, freedom, love, self-denial, self-reliance ..hell ..I've been close to death...I've climbed mountains...I understand...and love...cold, vicious, deadly weather...but, I have always understood the need for preparation... planning... and good equipment.... Johnson and my Dad...they had it differently...my little adventures have been just that...adventures...my Dad, on the other hand, did it because it was his job...he fed his family...he did it because he loved us, and that was the only way he could provide for us...I did it for kicks...it is a totally different thing, to go out to work on the railroad at 20 degrees...all day....in jeans, steel-toed work boots, and a Carhart jacket...because, that's all you had....and ME to go out dressed in REI, North Face, Gore-tex, Marmot, Patagonia, etc...and think I'm hard...I'm not....I'm prepared...not hard....my DAD was hard...Jeremiah Johnson was hard...we push ourselves now...out of boredom....not out of necessity....now, to do it everyday?...for years?...because you HAVE to?....that, my friend, is true courage...true grit...one could almost say "heroism"...

...this morning, as I was having my cigarette, I noticed the snow on the mountains...far off in the distance....I suddenly felt very lonely....I remembered my Dad...and watching that movie...for some reason, I just couldn't shake the image of Redford bent over that tiny fire......later, I was speaking with a friend...and without even thinking, I suddenly said..."You know, one day I might just disappear into those mountains, and never come back...hell, all I'd need is 15 minutes to pack my gear...I could live up there for years"....they didn't say anything right away...and then, they looked at me...and said...."I know you could do it...but, you'd be missed"....

...One of my most prized possessions is an original 1972 movie poster of Jeremiah Johnson...framed, and on the wall in my living room...I know it is just a movie...but, sometimes, movies aren't just movies...The characters guide us – in ways we cannot understand – to a place we want to be….maybe even...to people we want to be..

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Word Play...

Fresh from the steaming morning e-mail....

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijonvu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -- 'taint yours and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

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Public Service

ok...in gratitude for all you people coming here and spending time, SWG is proud to be able to offer this Public Service Message...for all of you single males out there....I have THE ANSWER TO YOUR PRAYERS...heh...

Nude model seeks husband in internet contest

A Norwegian nude photographer has launched an internet competition to find a husband for one of his models.

...and...the BEST line is....

"He does not have to be rich, I can earn my own money. But he needs a good education and an understanding of art, which I think people who like Hegre's pictures do."

So far, she has received 10 applications. The deadline is April 1 and the winner will be announced in May if they find a candidate.

...she's pretty hot.....but, I prefer brunettes....hehehe...go get her, boys....

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About ME!

This is being done so that I can get rid of my old blogspot page...so, don't gimme no lip...

I first saw this method of telling someone about yourself on Acidman's page...and later I saw that Dax Montana had also used something similar....so.....I'm gonna steal their idea and do this for MY page too...

Name: Eric
Nickname: Eric
Astrological sign: Libra
Age: 31
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 195lbs
Occupation: MIS
Birthplace: Cleveland, Tennessee
Marital status: Married
How many children: ZERO, but my wife has two cats.
Do you drink (alcohol): YES, usually Scotch
Do you smoke: Yes
Favorite outdoor activities: Going Inside, looking at the moon, hiking, going to the range....
Favorite indoor activities: Playing guitar, Entertaining Friends, Shooting pool..
Favorite colors: Blue
Favorite type of music: Folk, oldies, and stuff from the 40s
Favorite musical groups/performers: James Taylor, Jim Croce, Nanci Griffith, Jimmy Buffet, Rolling Stones, ZZ Top, Warren Zevon, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Cake
Favorite song at the moment: "Hostage O," by W. Zevon
What's in your home CD/Casette player right now: a homemade recording from a bar band in Scotland called "Grapefruit Matters"....Ally, if you read this, call me..
What's in you car CD/Casette player right now: I have a 6 CD changer....Warren Zevon - Life'll Kill Ya, Jimmy Buffett - Songs you Know by Heart, Rolling Stones - 40 Licks, Warren Zevon - Greatest Hits, Tommy Santelli - Songs Recorded at Rafferty's
Do you play an instrument: Yes. I finger-pick Guitar - badly
What kind of guitar do you play: acoustic custom Fender
Have you ever gone skinny-dipping: many, many times
As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up: A Zooligist or Botanist, but at age 11 it changed to US Marine.
What would be your dream job now: Emperor of the Universe
Have you ever been convicted of a crime: Nope
Places you'd most like to visit: Spain, Northern Africa
Your first car: 1951 Mercury 4-Door...Black
Dream car: 1950 Mercury 2-Door Converible...Black
Car you Drive now: 2003 Audi A-4....Silver
Favorite season: Autumn
Favorite holiday: Halloween
Favorite hobbies: playing guitar, writing, traveling, shooting
Favorite sport to play: Does shooting pool count?
Favorite sport to watch: Rugby Union, College Football
Least favorite sport to watch: Ice Skating
Most humiliating moment: My Mother was a beautician....she liked to practice new hair-do's...a 10 year old red-head has ENOUGH problems without having to go to elementary school with a perm...need I say more?
Do you have any siblings: One younger brother, Joshua
Do you get along with your parents: My father died of lung cancer in 2001. I got along great with him..he was one HELL of a Man...I get along great with my Mother.
Favorite place to chill: On my back deck in the evenings.
Favorite place to visit: My friend Matt's house in Alaska
What is your bad time of day: I dont have one.
What is your good time of day: Sunrise
Favorite flower/plant: Honeysuckle
Favorite subject in school: History
Least favorite subject in school: Math
Favorite authors: Anne Rice, Robert Service, Hemingway
Favorite book genre: History, Biography
Favorite book: "Rhymes of a Red Cross Man", by R. W. Service
Current book I'm reading: "Chesty" by LtCol Jon Hoffman
Favorite magazine: Military History, Smithsonian, Harpers
Favorite movie of all time: Jeremiah Johnson
Other favorite movies: The Usual Suspects, Battleground, Sands of Iwo Jima, Lonesome Dove, Casablanca, Kelly's Heroes, Parenthood, Evolution, The Princess Bride, Blazing Saddles...
Favorite actors/actresses: John Wayne, Morgan Freeman, Robert Redford, Katherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn, Lauren Bacall
Favorite cartoon character: Johnny Bravo, Elmer Fudd
Favorite food: Spaghetti..my own recipe...I LOVE it...
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Favorite alcoholic Drink: Scotch and Water...particularly the single malts from Islay - Bowmore, Laphroaig, Lagavullin, etc.. I lived in Scotland for 8 years and picked up the taste for it..now-a-days I drink blends...I'm a cheap bastard unless company is coming over..
What is your bedtime: 11:30 PM
Worst enemies: So far, I don't have any..
Interesting fact about your childhood: My cousin Dennis ran over me once with a 3-Wheeler....
The first thing you think of in the morning: A Cigarette
Favorite thing to do when you're home alone: Play Guitar, surf the net, read a good book
Things that make you feel good: Sunrises, Coffee on a Saturday morning, watching Scotland crush England at Rugby, Making Martinis, or other mixed drinks for friends
Things you don't like: People trying to tell me what to do and how to think, fat women in lycra, fleas, warm beer, airports, never having enough time, intolerant people, gardening, people who whine, piss, and moan to get their way, Fat Democrats..
Worst feeling in the world: Watching someone die and knowing you can't help them.
Scariest feeling in the world: Being in love.
Best feeling in the world: Being loved back.
Do you get motion sickness: Only once...in the Bering Sea, but the weather was horrible..
Roller Coasters - Deadly or Exciting: Deadly
Thunderstorms - Cool or Scary: Very Cool
Pen or Pencil: Pen
Do you like to drive: I like to drive, but I drive slow....
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: No. But my wife has an entire spare bedroom stacked with stuffed toy penguins.
Did you have imaginary friends or a blanket as a child: Hell no, I had a little brother to beat on/and/or/be my buddy..sorry Josh....
What is on the walls of your room: Some photos, a few military unit photographs and awards, a signed photo of Robert Duvall as Augustus McCrae from Lonesome Dove.....
What words or phrases do you overuse: DANG, DAMMIT, WOW
Coolest things anyone ever gave you: hmmmm, I'll have to think about that one...
How would you characterize your political leanings: Right Wing Republican for the most part, but it really depends on the issue being debated.
If you could pick one super-human power, what would you choose: Invisibility

Favorite Quotes/Lyrics/Poems:

"Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, alright?
Just make us be brave
and make us play nice
and let us be together tonight"

Don't Let us Get Sick - Warren Zevon

"If I ever live to be an old Man, I'm gonna sail down to Martinique
I'm gonna buy me a sweat-stained Bogart Shirt, and an African Parakeet
And I'll sit him on my shoulder...and open up my trusty old mind...
I'm gonna teach him how to fuss..teach him how to cuss..
and pull the cork out of a bottle of wine..."

Jimmy Buffett

"Oz never gave nothin' to the Tin Man..that he didn't, didn't already have"
America

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Velocigod is Back..

...well...I got up this morning with no idea what to post about....I didn't get much blogging done yesterday...a combination of work, buying mountain bikes, watching DVDs, and drinking...was the culprit...so, not much insight bullshit from me yesterday....anyway, I watched "When Harry met Sally" and "Terminator 3"...back-to-back....those two movies ROCK..of course, Harry Connick fucked up the soundtrack by remaking some of the Armstrong versions...but, all in all, Connick kicks....sorry...where was I?...oh...right.....watching those two movies last night reminded me of the time that I watched "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"...followed by "Scarface"....I had the weirdest dreams EVER that night...

ANYWAY...sorry to keep losing my concentration wandering...I start checking the blogroll this morning, and BEHOLD! Velociman has posted....sadly, it seems he has some kind of medical condition...and, it sounds pretty painful...but, a man of his caliber will not be slowed by a mere third testicle suddenly sprouting...get out the nailclippers, dude...as Barney Fife would say..."Nip it in the bud.."...and, be sure to use lots of alcohol...internally AND externally....

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Crime or Care?

OK, people...if you are going to have a pet...you should take CARE of it...I've had lots of dogs and cats...and, they ALL have stayed outside....if it was cold, we'd put a heat lamp in their house...if it was hot, we'd make sure they had extra water...THIS GUY doesn't see it that way....I dunno...I just don't see the crime in preventing cruelty....

NEWPORT TWP. - A woman recently cited with criminal trespass after allegedly entering a neighbor's yard to care for his dog is facing new charges after police found the pooch in her basement Friday night.
Sharon Pezzuti says she was just trying to protect the animal from that night's extremely low temperatures. But what Pezzuti calls animal kindness, police call a crime.

Pezzuti, 42, of 119 Robert St., was charged Monday with receiving stolen property for harboring "Blue," a Husky-Rottweiler mix owned by neighbor Lamar McGrantham.

...and....

"He had ice hanging from his face. His eyes were bloodshot. I thought, I'm not going to let this dog die, so I took him and put him in the basement," Pezzuti said.

....and....

According to AccuWeather, Friday's low temperature reached -7 degrees.

SPCA director Ed Gross said Tuesday the agency cannot order an owner to bring a dog inside as long as it has shelter. Blue has a dog house, which was purchased by Pezzuti.

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by Eric on Jan 17, 2004 | Comments(11) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: More Saturday link-loving.

Bad Language Alert...

This was sent to me by Charlie...a good friend of mine from the Corps....I thought I'd put it up...he sounds kinda pissed..

"OK, time for a rant. I've seen Eric post the "14 Leadership Traits" already - once on his old blogspot site, and once here. You can search for them in the archives, if you see fit to understand what I'm talking about. I feel that he should post them again today - not so much as for YOU guys, but for me. These traits were beaten into me at Parris Island, and it is THESE things which I strive EVERY day to try to live up to - not for you, not for my employees, for me. Everyone needs a moral compass, and these are mine.

I TRY to be an example. I try to treat all workers AND management with the same respect and courtesy. Hell, I'm no better than EITHER of them. If my assistant comes up with an idea, I'll be the FIRST person to tell MY Boss that they are responsible It's not my ego, it's my JOB to look out for my troops. However, some people don't seem to function that way.

I am absolutely fucking TIRED of dealing with people who have no regard, care, or sense of loyalty to their "troops". Hell, these assnuggets have no scrap of loyalty to themSELVES, much LESS their underlings. Leadership is a two-way street. But, THESE people are whores on an entirely different level. I mean, if you buy a whore, at least you KNOW what to expect. THESE people are hired as "professionals", and, in reality, they give whores a bad name. I'm serious here. The vast majority of people in this world must be goddamn egotistical lunatics. I am NOT of the bragging kind, but I'll tell you this, I've got more LEADERSHIP skills in my right FOOT than most "leaders" I have ever had the distinct displeasure of working with in the civilian world. They grow up as corn fed idiots, and with a few lucky business breaks in latter life, they think they are friggin' Patton or something. I had a run-in with one of them this very day. I came forward, as a gentleman, after the meeting, and explained my grievance, and, once challenged, the little fucking weinerdog made light, joked, grinned, molly-coddled, and generally behaved as a useless, worthless, characterless little prick. Which, incidentally, is pretty much what they are. If you have the fucking nerve to try to bitchslap me in a meeting, then the LEAST bit of courtesy you can extend me is to talk to me, rationally about it, after the fact.

However, I digress. What I want to know is this; Does it take a MILITARY background to make you honest? trustworthy? or just? Or, is something deeper than that? Is this behavior something that is learned? Or is fairness and respect something which your God-fearing PARENTS should have impressed upon you.

Are you so insecure that you feel the need to belittle other's efforts? Is your dick so small that you feel the need to take the credit from the "little people" who ACTUALLY did the mind-numbing work? If so, then you are pathetic. You make me want to beat you with a lead pipe. You DO realize, don't you? That you are a slimy, filthy, inbred little bastard, right?. If you were ever thrown out into the REAL world, instead of some corporate self-gratifying-circle-jerk, you'd have your scrawny ass handed to you by the first "little person" you tried to snub. You are a sick, cheesedick motherfucker. You make me sorry to be from the same species as you. Wait. I take that back, I don't think we are even in the same damn phylum. You are a lesser evolved beast.

You are truly pathetic, and, someday your day will come...."

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by Eric on Jan 16, 2004 | Comments(3) | TrackBack (1) | SWG Stories
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: More Saturday link-loving.

Southern Honor

Ladies and Gentlemen...the very honor of Southern Manhood...and indeed, AMERICAN Manhood.... is being challenged by THIS story....

We must organize....we must build...we cannot let this great injustice survive while we stand idly by....

Filipinos claim world's longest barbecue grill

Filipinos are claiming a new record for the lengthiest barbecue in the world after cooking on a 1.3km-long grill.

Organisers say the barbecue in the central Philippine city of Cebu proved to be longer than Peru's 613 metres set in 1997 and the 1.1km grill in the northern Philippine city of Dagupan last year.

They expect the grill to find its way to the Guinness Book of World Records, but Guinness officials say they haven't yet received any information on the attempt to verify.

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by Eric on Jan 16, 2004 | Comments(6) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: More Saturday link-loving.

Remember This?

Hey....remember the crazy lady who found a condom in her clam chowder?...well, it turns out that the Smoking Gun has the skinny on her....looks like she is an old pro at taking legal action...filing a claim against Taco Bell for coffee too hot....hmm...kinda makes you wonder if the condom was planted by her?...it sounds like it to me.....

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WHOO HOOO!!!

Say Anything has MOVED to Moveable Type!....and, dammit, his blog brings back memories for me....I too, once had the loveable white wrapper on my blog...Congrats, Say Anything!

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The Best Weapon...

...the deadliest weapon in the world is the mind of man....or a set of nailclippers..I forget exactly how that quote goes......heh..I guess it just goes to show you...where there is a will, a way may be found...

Man killed snake with nail-clippers

A 24-year-old Zambian man saved himself from being crushed to death by a python by killing it with a pair of nail-clippers.

Morgan Mulenga, from Mkushi, was attacked by the snake as he relieved himself behind a bush on his way home from selling fish in local villages.

The python coiled itself around his waist but Mr Mulenga's left arm was free and he managed to get his nail-clippers out of his pocket.

He stabbed the snake with the clippers until it was dead and then ran to the nearest village for help.

Mr Mulenga was taken to a local hospital where he was treated for serious internal injuries

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Joke of the Day

Fresh from the e-mail....a cautionary tale...which has a good point...

"One day a boy and an old man were walking through a village with their
donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went
along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well
kiss your ass good-bye."

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Tired..

...ok...sorry for the lack of posting today.....I had obligations in Alabama to take care of....and, getting a chance to post here from deep in Auburn country was too much for me....I just couldn't manage it....so....after leaving home at 6am...and, just NOW getting back...I....to quote from the immortal "Good Morning, Vietnam"...."am in more dire need of a blowjob than any White Man in history"....but, hey....I'll settle for a Scotch...neat....yep...you heard that right...no water...no ice....this is no USUAL evening....tonight it is neat....I'm too damn tired to mess around with ice and water...just gimme a slug...I'm heading to bed...

G'night.....never fear, sweet people....dirty jokes.....and stories about young, enterprising Canadian lesbians will be once again on the agenda...in the morning...

Update: I've had some more ferret comments about Stiller and his bitten lip......great googly moogly....when will this torture STOP???

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Close...

I was talking with a close friend of mine this morning.....they are at a crossroads right now....the quandary is all about moving...from the Smoky Mountains to the West Coast......they've never been away from the mountains for very long at a stretch....and they have never lived very far from their family....add to this the fact that their family is very loving and close...and you begin to see the problem.....add in other complications which I'm not going to get into, and it becomes a real mess...but, in a way...I understand where they are coming from....

..the whole conversation got me thinking....I joined the Corps when I was 17....I graduated from High School on a Friday...and was at Parris Island on Monday morning....after basic, and MOS training, I was sent overseas....I did 18 months in the Pacific...and 2 years in Europe...then, I stayed overseas after my time in the Corps was up....I moved back a couple of years ago because of duties I needed to fulfill in my family…I ended up spending 9 years of my life…from 17 years of age…to 28….away from my family…distance never made a difference in my love for my family…or their love for me…

...The world we live in is so small...with enough money, you can be on any point of the globe in 24 hours... Antarctica.... Australia.... the deepest recesses of the Congo river basin...... and, in a couple of years....the face of the Moon... ...distance is quickly becoming less and less important....but, we still hold onto the idea in our minds...."It's so far away..", we tell ourselves....”you’re so far away from me”….we delude ourselves.....we console ourselves with that statement .....but, in reality....you are never really that far away..

...and, I don't mean this in a “you are miles away, but I have you in my heart” kinda way…I mean it in ACTUAL distance…you can be ANYWHERE in 24 hours…to me, that is just an incredible idea…as a lover of history, the idea that I can fly up to Boston for the afternoon…and have dinner, meet some friends, catch a performance of the Boston Pops, and still be back in Tennessee for the Letterman Show…just boggles my poor little mind….In my Great Grandfather’s day, that was a two week horseback ride…up and over Cumberland Gap…and into Kentucky…and on to the North…and then, two weeks back..

It is normal to be afraid of unknowns…moving cross country would have scared the hell out of me too, years ago…but now, I view distance differently…we have e-mail, phone calls...cheap-assed airfares…there really is no excuse…I guess it boils down to this…we are as “close” as we WANT to be….I know people who live a couple of miles away from me now…and we were “closer” when I was overseas…you ARE where you are…and, the people who are close to you…that you want to be close with…are close, regardless of the perceived distance…

So…to my friend…I’m not going to give you advice…but, what ever path you decide…be happy…and once decided, do not regret your choice, regardless of the outcome…damn those torpedoes, my friend…full speed ahead….

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by Eric on Jan 13, 2004 | Comments(7) | TrackBack (1) | SWG Stories
» Random Fate links with: Recommended reading

Beer Wench...

heh....you really gotta hand it to those Aussies.....how do they make it through those long cricket matches?....well, they provide a little eye-candy....who brings you BEER!....sounds like a good plan to me.....surely....we MUST have a sports event here in the US where a similar tactic could be employed....so...today's clarion call to battle shall be....

"A Beer Wench at Every Game"

EXOTIC dancer Cherri fetches brews at the cricket, and she can't understand what's causing all the froth and bubble.

The seasoned "beer wench" won't be able to make today's Australia v India day-night match at the MCG, but others will be on duty.

The beer wenches were brought into focus during this week's Sydney Test, when four women were thrown out of the SCG.

The women, paid to dress sexily and skip to the bar by groups in the outer, were ejected for supplying drinks to inebriated clients.

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Two Enterprising Canadians..

wow....I wonder how much money they made?...

"Schoolgirls 'expelled' for lesbian kissing shows

Two 12-year-old girls have been "encouraged" to leave their school by the headteacher after they were caught charging boys money for a public kissing session in the school cafeteria.

The schoolgirls, who have not been identified, apparently got the idea for the kiss after watching Britney Spears and Madonna kiss during last year's MTV awards.

The Canadian Grade 7 schoolgirls charged boys £2.10 to watch the lunch-hour lesbian-style show late last year."

The story is HERE, if you're interested...

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Quote of the Day..

...raise a toast tonight...to one of my heroes...Mr. Dean Martin...

"I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. "
Dean Martin

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The Chicago burbs..

uh...ok...ever heard the old chestnut..."it's better to be pissed off...than pissed ON?"....then, check out THIS story...dayum...

Falling goop most likely poop
January 8, 2004
BY ROBERT C. HERGUTH Transportation Reporter

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's . . . Actually, it's probably poop, and whether it came from a bird or a bathroom aboard an airplane, it's gross, say residents of an Oswego subdivision plastered in recent days with what police describe as "fecal matter."

The Ponds at Mill Race Creek subdivision in the far western suburb is under an O'Hare Airport flight path, so some residents initially suspected one or more planes unloaded lavatory waste over the community.

Damn, Matt...maybe you should stay in the city....it sounds like moving to the burbs is kinda scary.....with criminals breaking into your home, and shit raining down from the skies....heheheh

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Dinner...

OK....a little more stuff about cooking...then I'll stop...I promise...

...last night, the Wife prepared the most ...interesting ...meal... EVER ...it was an incredible journey into a world of tastes and textures ....kinda like a trip to a slaughterhouse...interesting while you're there...but, you really don't want to go back a second time.....

....you want to know what was on the menu?...ok....here goes.....baked sweet potato with butter and cheese....and some kind of tomato-sauce-hotdog-weiners-combination...I'd never put cheese on a sweet potato before....but, in the spirit of culinary adventure, I was willing to give it a go...it wasn't too bad....I'll not do it again, of course...but, it was ok...a new experience chalked down.....now...on to the weiner oriented dish....it was NOT that bad...it was just strange...I ate most of it with a feeling of complete confusion...I'd take a bite, and try to figure out how to describe the flavor...I couldn't...which would force me to take ANOTHER bite...before I knew it, I'd eaten most of it...when I was nearly finished, the Wife asks me if I enjoyed it....

...and here is where the trouble began....I said..."I like it...I've never had anything quite like it before...but, it kinda reminds me of a hot MRE....warm, filling, and with a totally indescribable taste"....I meant that as an honest compliment....heh...but, she didn't take it that way.....so, I had to spend the next five minutes trying to convince her that I actually liked to eat warm MREs...

..seemingly, she had had a moment of inspiration while baking the sweet potatoes....she took a jar of Ragou Spaghetti sauce...added a few sliced up hotdogs...some oregano.. and parmesan cheese... now, I know what you all are thinking...."Hey, that sounds pretty harmless.."....but, you'd be wrong...I ain't finished yet... she told me AFTER the meal that she had thought the dish was too runny....so, she added mayonaise to it in the hopes of thickening the sauce.. at this point, I suddenly realized why I couldn't identify the flavor of the sauce.. anyway, when adding the mayo didn't work, she fell back to one of MY old cooking failsafes.. if something is too runny, add some breadcrumbs... and, this had the desired effect.... the sauce became thick..

....for all of you thrill-seekers out there...always looking for the new sensation.. or the latest wild experience... I highly recommend my Wife's recipe.. so far, she is yet to name the dish..if she does, I'll be sure to let you know.. in the mean time, try making the meal I had last night.. I promise you..it'll be a new sensory rush...

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Hamburger Steaks...

Why is it that television Chefs are usually men?....Do guys have some ingrained sense of "adventure"...and it spills over to their cooking style?..I just don't know...I've know some pretty adventurous ladies.....but...in my family, most of the men are the outstanding cooks..now, don't get me wrong..the women can throw together a great meal...but, I'd much rather eat my Grandpa's cooking...than Grandma's....

I remember watching my Grandpa cook hamburger steaks once...he was over visiting us...and lunchtime came, so he volunteered to cook....now...for those of you who have ever cooked a hamburger steak...you'll know that it's pretty hard to screw up....you flatten out some ground beef...throw it in a frying pan...and cook it till it is done...presto...you're done.....but, Grandpa did it differently...

..salt...pepper...tobasco... worchestershire sauce... garlic salt... parmesan cheese... basil...and even a dash of ground cloves....all of these things went onto that pile of beef...I watched as he worked all of the ingredients together with his hands....at one point, he called me over....he took a handful of beef, and lifted it to my nose...and said…"What do you smell, son?".....I could smell the cloves....the garlic....the cheese....he grinned wide when I told him this....and he let slip a bit of wisdom..."Here is the secret to cooking meat, boy...if you can smell the scent of the meat, then you aren't ready to cook it"...that has been the single most useful tip on cooking that I've ever received...and to this day, my spaghetti is the best...you can make your sauce any way you want...but...if you prepare the meat correctly BEFORE you start, then you're on to a winner...regardless of what tomato sauce you use..

I don't know where he learned it....and I KNOW he never saw any of those damn TV cooking shows....but, he was one of the best cooks I've ever met...

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Link Love...

Alrighty...today's linkathon through my blogroll....

Barry at Inn of Last Home is having his Blogiversary...Congrats, Barry....

Jeff at Notorious B.L.O.G has some cool Pink Floyd lyrics...and a good point...

James over at Park Way Reststop has some...uh....interesting girlie pictures...

Voluntarily in China brings us another culture shock....Tennessee Titans and Mongolian wrestling...

Shem from Santified Heresy has found "the one"....and is in Love in Australia..

Brian at Resonance is cold...and blames it on his DNA...

Teresa over at Hatamaran is having a birthday...and her cake has some beautiful icing on it....

Key is writing poetry for Velociman....awww...ain't she sweet?

Major Bejus...the Danger Ranger of Call Me An Ambulance is BACK in full swing...

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Shackleton....

I've just been watching Kenneth Branagh - as Shackleton...lead his men to safety from their abortive trip to cross Antarctica....Branagh is magnificent....Shackleton truly did the incredible....after his ship, the Endurance, was caught in the ice and crushed...he led his men...in boats that were open to the elements...across the ice shelf...and across the water...to South Georgia Island....and THEN, he crossed a mountain range on foot to fetch help....He was one unbelievable guy...even in spite of his business concerns and his pursuit of funds for more expeditions....he, as a Man, was a FORCE....he is one of my heroes....

I've been on the deck of RSS Discovery many times....walked the same paths that he had walked...he had been to the Antarctic with Captain Scott on The Discovery a few years before leading his own mission......The Discovery became trapped in the ice as well...and the Captain and Crew remained locked in for two Winters...I admire those men incredibly.....The sheer guts that those men had....the pure fortitude that they had to possess to go on Antarctic expeditions, is incredible to me....

Here is a quote I found about his epic trip..

"In 1914, explorer Ernest Shackleton and a crew of 27 men set out aboard his ship, Endurance, in pursuit to be the first to cross the continent of Antarctica via the South Pole. Instead, Endurance became locked in sea ice, and for nine grueling months he fought a losing battle to save his ship, which was finally crushed by the relentless pack ice.

Shackleton and his crew then drifted for five more months on ice floes, enduring inhuman cold and violent storms until they reached a barren rock called Elephant Island. Then, he and four members of his crew embarked on a treacherous 850-mile voyage across dangerous open seas in a tiny 22-foot boat and miraculously reached South Georgia Island."

He left behind most of his crew on Elephant Island...they lived under the shelter of an overturned row boat and awaited his return...the fact that he made it to South Georgia is a complete miracle...either that, or a showing off of the best leadership skills ever displayed...so...when he and the other four set off, those left behind must have thought they were goners...his leadership kept those men alive...his example kept them from giving up hope....and, through all of these hardhips, he managed never to lose a single member of his crew....it is truly a story that everyone should hear about....

Shackleton....and men like him....are still around...but sometimes, they seem harder to identify ...their determination, integrity, strength, endurance, and fortitude should be a shining example to us all...

...the strange thing is....that these days, we might not lead an expedition to the South Pole...but, sometimes....leading ourselves can be just as challenging...

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Sausage..

OK....I just got this in the e-mail....heh..it kinda makes sense...

For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".

Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

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by Eric on Jan 10, 2004 | Comments(2) | TrackBack (1) | Jokes
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Around the blogroll this morning...

I'm DECORATED...

Many of you may have not noticed...BUT...I have been "decorated" for my drinking abilities....I have been awarded the "Bruised Brain Award"...for "drinking above and beyond last call" over at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon....hey...what can I say?...other than...get me a SCOTCH and WATER, Bartender...The Corner of the Bar Gang rides again!....

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The Great Ohio Transvestite Chase...

...best line from THIS ONE?...."I'm not going to JAIL!! You'll have to KILL me first!"...and then, he sped creeped away at speeds exceeding well below the speed limit....

"Note to criminals: The worst, absolutely worst, place to flee from police officers is to police headquarters at shift change while dressed in drag.

A Toledo man was arraigned yesterday in Toledo Municipal Court after a routine traffic stop set off a bizarre police pursuit in which the driver at times drove several miles under the speed limit, made a U-turn in front of crews, and twice left the city limits out of reach of trailing police, only to return again.

"We joked at one time that we probably could stop and get a cup of coffee, pick this [chase] up again later, and still catch up with him," Toledo police Officer Rick Fisher said.

The incident began shortly after 10 p.m. Wednesday when Officer Fisher and his partner, Paul Toth, noticed a Ford Taurus weaving in East Toledo.

Stopped by the crew, the driver simply responded, "I am not going to jail. You will have to kill me first."

"Then he just threw it in drive and took off," Officer Fisher said.

The description of the suspect: wearing women’s clothing, high-heeled shoes, and a wig.

For the next 45 minutes, the Taurus wound through the streets of Toledo, onto I-75 into Northwood, back onto I-75, then onto I-475 into Sylvania Township where it continued on the expressway, eventually circling back into Toledo 23 minutes later.

Finally, with at least two cars on his tail and several other jurisdictions monitoring the situation, the driver of the Taurus turned toward 525 North Erie St. - an extraordinarily bad place and time, as it turned out."

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Time To Get Dirty...

Ok, kiddies...today is the beginning of Scotchfest 2004 at Straight White House....and...since I'm in the mood...I just thought I'd put up a little Adult Content..after all, it HAS been a while since I did....so...if you are easily offended by Adult Situations...Strong Language...Gratuitous Sexual References.....or just Me in general...go away now...you'll blush...

Ladies and Gentlemen....I want to talk to you tonight about the beauty of masturbation...for far too long, as far as I'm concerned, getting yourself off has been a taboo subject for most people....everybody does it....some do it once a week....some do it everyday....some do it at work....some do it TWICE a day..some do it MORE than TWICE a day.....wait...anyone who does it MORE than twice a day is probably going to injure themself...they should probably back off a little....

....the absolute FACT that we all do it...is NOT what I'm here to talk about right now.....what I wanted to focus on....was WHY you are doing it....what ARE you thinking about?....and...more importantly.....WHO are you thinking about?....

...Velociman once commented in THIS POST about a scene from the movie Emmanuelle....where a girl fantasizes and masturbates whilst gazing at a photo of Paul Newman...the gist of his post is that THAT is a legacy worth remembering....well..I have to agree wholeheartedly....indeed....that MUST be the greatest of compliments....

I mean...it's one thing to lie back and think of England....but, to lie back...by yourself...and think of Phoebe Cates?...well...that's a whole different ballgame...and...what kind of POWER must Miss Cates feel?... if she thought for one second about the nameless geeks (and hunks) that were tossing off whilst picturing her giving a blowjob lesson in Fast Times at Ridgemont High?...you remember the scene, right?...No?...you big fat liar..of COURSE you remember that scene....why?...because you've wasted napkins and tissue paper in every house you've ever lived in since you saw that scene...and, don't try to deny it...bastards...

But...here is the deal....to be in love with someone is nice....it's great....the best feeling in the world.....to be told you're handsome once in a while is cool....hell..most of us will settle for "you've got nice shoulders"....it's all good...and fine....but....how does this weather in comparison?

"I thought about you last night, and I became so hot and wet....that I couldn't help myself...and I couldn't wait until I saw you next....so, I finger-fucked myself to orgasm....right there in line at the supermarket...".....ok...well, maybe that is a bit much...but, you get the idea.....although, her waiting till later...in the privacy of her own home would probably have been better...either one of the above scenarios will MORE than make your Man happy....I'm sure that it is much the same with wimmin....

Get up early one morning....go off to blog while the wife sleeps....when she finally wakes up...make her breakfast....and say something like..."Darlin'...I woke up this morning thinking of you....I know you had a hard day yesterday...so, I thought that I'd let you sleep...but, I just couldn't get you off my mind...so, I masturbated this morning while fantasizing about you..".....heh...late sleeper, my ass...you'll get RAPED...IMMEDIATELY...Women want to be lusted after....just the same as Men want to be lusted after....it is the nature of things...

It kinda reminds me of Helen telling her readers that she had her way with herself while thinking of old times with Mr. Y....I bet Mr. Y popped the biggest boner of his entire born days when he read that....there is nothing finer than being desired....DEEEESIRED...

....there is a HUGE difference between Life and Fantasy...and, for the most part, never shall they meet...the old addage of "I make love to my wife....but I'd FUCK Cindy Crawford" comes to mind....your Wife..or Husband..is your Love....but, not always your fantasy fuck.....how cool is it when both are the same?.....

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I Am Not Alone

HA!...I hate flat-pack furniture....I really hate it...all those wooden dowels...color coded stickers on each section...drives me up the damn wall...but, it looks like I am no longer alone in the wilderness....THESE GUYS have a most excellent idea...eheheheh...

A college has launched a do-it-yourself course which aims to take the frustration out of flat-pack furniture.

The three-hour course will guide students through Ikea instructions and give some method to MFI madness.

DIYers will be shown the finer points of joining bracket A to shelf B and will even be able to use the expert advice of teacher John Tilley on their own pieces of furniture.

The free course is one of Northampton College's Bite Size range, one of a range of ideas aimed at getting adults back into education by demonstrating that learning can be fun.

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What about the LEGAL ones?

WHOO HOOO!....Phil over at Day's Limit is pretty pissed over GW's new Immigration Policy....head over there and give it a read....as someone who has went through the LEGAL procedure of getting a Visa for my Scottish spouse, I can totally understand...it took 6 months for her to get all the paperwork in order...it was a total fiasco....I had a dying Father at the time, and we were forced to involve our Senator in the mess...he finally pulled some strings to get her paperwork rushed through...so that she could arrive just a few weeks before my Father died...and, if we hadn't involved the Senator, it would have taken close to a YEAR for her paperwork to get approved....anyway, I don't normally talk politics...but...since I currently LIVE with a Legal Alien...*whack*...*Ouch! Sorry, Babe!!*

Here are a few choice quotes that I liked....heh...

and we are going to reward them for that? What about all those immigrants that came here legally and went through the painstaking process of becoming citizens? What does this say to them? A big “Fuck You Very Much” is what it says. “We know you came here legally and did everything that we asked you to do, but we really don’t give a shit.

And....

We are going to pay them full benefits, even though they didn’t contribute long enough to deserve full benefits, and we are going to send the checks to them back in Mexico. Yeah, that makes sense. We are creating a fucking social welfare program for the entire planet. Real nice of ya “W”. Please feel free to increase my payroll taxes to help finance that one. Dick!

...dang, Phil...go get'em, tiger...

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Number ONE, BABY!!

heh....I am number friggin' ONE in the google search for...wait for it.....drumroll, please..

"hillary bad joke"

hey...at least I have SOME claim to fame....

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Fresh From the E-mail

Well...here I sit....nursing a dang Gin and Tonic....now, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy a nice Gin and Tonic....but, dammit, I'm OUT of SCOTCH....wife is doing a booze-run tomorrow....and the Wild Turkey 101 I had as a reserve only lasted a few days...so...one day away from Scotchfest 2004 at Straight White House, and I'm reduced to drinking an exquisite Bombay Saphire G & T...heh...life just sucks sometimes...ya know?...

Tonight, I have friends coming over for a Pool-shooting-lie-athon...so, expect to hear about how I got my ass beat at shooting pool later tonight....and how I whipped ass at being the best liar of the bunch...

Anyway, enough of that crap....I just got an e-mail from a Blogger Who Shall Remain Nameless....due to her teetotal tendencies....;)....and it fit me right down to the ground....so...if you've seen this posted elsewhere, don't tell me..I don't care....if you have NOT seen this posted elsewhere...or at LEAST gotten it in your e-mail from a friend....then you have no friends, and probably need to get out more and quit reading blogs...so...here it is....the list of TRUE friendship...feel free to add more if you feel froggy...

Here it is, a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!

1. When you are sad, ... I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, ... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, ... I'll know you finally got some .

4. When you are scared, ... I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, ... I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, ... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed if you can only think of two, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

and the KICKER is that the Bloggeress who sent me this ended the e-mail with...."Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel!"...now, how cool is THAT?!

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by Eric on Jan 07, 2004 | Comments(1) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Thursday Happy Hour

Sunday Lunch..

The Wife and I decided to break from tradition, and go out for Sunday lunch.....we asked my Mother to come along......we decided to go to the local Mexican restaurant...the food there is really good, but I never like going to a Mexican restaurant on Sundays...local laws prohibit the sale of alcohol on Sunday...and, eating a burrito without chasing it with a Dos Equis is just wrong....anyway....when we go out to dinner or lunch, I normally drive....but not this time... my Mom had went out and bought herself a new car a few weeks ago....and she wanted ME to drive it......no problem, thinks I...

...as we begin to get in the car, she gets in the backseat.....and then, the WIFE wanders around to the other side of the car...and she gets in the back ...."Why the hell are both of you getting in the backseat?", I said.....and Mom pipes up and says...."oh, we thought we'd let you chauffer us around"....

....bloody Hell....this little trip is shaping up just dandy so far......so...here we go...finally setting off towards the promise of burritos galore sans beer.....I'm minding my own business, feeling like I'm driving Miss Daisy AND Miss Blossom...when I hear from the backseat...."Holy COW! Just LOOK at all that gray hair Eric's getting!!"....of course, this was quickly followed by..."Yeah!! Look! Just the way the light is hitting it? DANG! It's EVERYwhere!"...

.now...the fact that I'm getting some gray doesn't bother me...I don't care....hell, I've had my head shaved hundreds of times...no big deal....I don't even own a damn COMB, for goodness sake.....what DOES bother me is the fact that the two wimmin thought they could get a RISE out of me over something like that....after I didn't rise to the bait, an even CRAZIER remark was made.....something about "you know...they have hair coloring for men in EVERY shade from blonde to black....but, I've never seen a hair color for Redheaded Men..."

...so...I'd had enough...."You guys honestly think I'd EVER dye my hair?!?!.....I don't care if it all falls out OR turns gray...it's just hair...it ain't ME..."

...giggles of delight erupted in the backseat....they had managed to get me....they got TO me....dammit....I lost the battle...and I didn't even get to have a beer with my burrito afterwards...to ease the pain...

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2nd Time, shame on ME..

Fresh from Chicago.....a tale of intrigue, crime, BMWs, emergency rooms, firearm rights, and popping goblins...what more could you ask for?

Second time unlucky for burglar
Wed 31 December, 2003 08:07

CHICAGO (Reuters) - A burglar who was wounded while breaking into a Chicago suburb home drove himself to the hospital in his intended victim's BMW that he had probably stolen the night before, police say.

The 31-year-old burglar, who let himself into the home on Monday night with keys he had apparently stolen on Sunday night, suffered two gunshot wounds and escaped by diving through a plate glass window.

Police, who arrested him at the hospital, said his wounds were not life-threatening.

The homeowner who shot the burglar may also be in trouble. The 54-year-old father of two lives in Wilmette, Illinois, a posh Chicago suburb that bans handgun ownership. For the gun, he could face a fine of up to $750

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by Eric on Jan 07, 2004 | Comments(0) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love links with: Wednesday Warp

Terminator 2 Blog.....

Today was a good day, for the most part....there were a few problems, but they managed to either be beaten into submission by me....or work themselves out on their own while I was busy beating a different one into submission...so..all in all, most of the smoldering fires of my workplace have been extinguished....the only sucky bit that I could NOT escape from...OR beat into submission....was the "Uniform Photo Shoot"....let me tell ya, friends and neighbors..it sucked ass...

We had to do a demo for a photo shoot...we just stood around...in uniform...in the areas which would eventually be filled by REAL models in a few weeks....just so the photos could be sent off to someone who would say things like..."Nice, but we need more lighting"....or...."Hmm...This photo should be shot with the REALLY tall guy on the left, and the weird looking Redhead on the far right.."....anyway....as usual, I drew the short fucking straw...

..four of the guys from work were chosen...not because we were particularly fun to look at....more likely because we didn't have a visible beer gut, or three days beard growth on our jowls....so...each of us wore a different uniform for the photo shoot....we had a Emergency Medical Technician suit.....one guy in a groovy 3 color desert set of Cammies.....one guy in a SWAT uniform....and then, Me...what did I get to wear?....a damn set of dark navy polyester cop clothes....while my workmates looked like they should be sniping bank robbers...saving the lives of crash victims.....or charging through the sands of Iraq....I looked like the melting-silvery-guy out of Terminator 2....It seriously sucked....and I couldn't dodge it....I couldn't beat it into submission....and I couldn't fix it....I just had to stand there like a complete weenie and take it....

..other than that little episode...I kicked ass at work today....heh....time for a drink...

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No Love in China...

Interesting IDEA...a little hard to enforce, I'd say...

Chinese ping-pong chief bans 'falling in love'

The Chinese national table tennis head coach has banned his squad from "falling in love" before the Olympics later this year.

The announcement comes after coach Cai Zhenhua kicked out the players - three women and a man - because he said the romances were affecting their performance and training, according to the South China Morning Post.

Cai told the team: "This year is an Olympic year. .....as athletes you have to make every sacrifice that is required for your team."

....I'm all for patriotism....but...giving up lovin' is a bit extreme....I believe I'd have to tell them where they could stick their medal....

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Tom Waits...

I must admit to you all....that I was not a Tom Waits fan before Christmas...now, however....I'm starting to come around...I wouldn't exactly call myself a "fan" yet....but THIS SONG is pretty cool...I got the CD for Christmas, and listened to the first song on the album…politely thanked my Wife...and then threw the damned thing into the nearest pile of discarded holiday wrapping paper...hoping...for the off-chance that it would get mistakenly thrown out with the rubbish....this didn't happen...New Year's Eve, I noticed it sitting on the little table by the front door...under my car keys...with a post-it note attached....reading something to the effect of "Put this in your car, and listen to it, DAMMIT!"....so...ever so reluctantly, I did as I was bid...

...well...like I said...I still ain't a Tom Waits fan...but as I was listening to THIS SONG, I couldn't help but think of two of my blogbuddies....Parkway Reststop....and The Cheese Stands Alone....heh....guys...you are gonna DIG this song...

...I kinda imagined when I first heard it...that it would be like something LeeAnn would post on her site....and then...in a Tom Waits clouded vision, I pictured James diggin' on this groovy tune with his "Usual Suspects" at the local pub..

...of course...I might have this all wrong...if so...just listen to the song anyway, and forget all the crap I wrote above...oh, and before I forget...I was going to post the lyrics for you guys...but...I can't figure them out...and I can't find them on the net....so...just listen to it 500 times, and memorize them, and sing along with Mr. Waits after that....

Update: ...the song lyrics get better near the end.....heh...

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by Eric on Jan 05, 2004 | Comments(6) | TrackBack (1) | SWG Stories
» the cheese stands alone links with: Color Me Flattered

Hong Kong's "People's Champion"

Seriously....I'm not making THIS up....

An escaped crocodile which ran loose on the Hong Kong-China border for more than two months has baeen named Hong Kong's Personality Of The Year 2003.

The 1.5-metre crocodile, believed to be an escaped pet, beat a host of politicians and celebrities to win the contest on government-run radio station RTHK.

Australian crocodile hunter John Lever and a team of experts from China have failed in repeated high-profile attempts to trap the creature since early November.

The crocodile won nearly 36% of the online vote, ahead of Hong Kong hospital workers in collective second place with 25%.

Hong Kong leader Tung Chee-hwa attracted less than 5% of the vote.

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Well?..Say SOMETHING...

This is the site....new and improved....if something doesn't work, let me know....if you love it, let me know...if you hate it, me, the color, the smell, or something else..ferrets excluded....as much as I hate to say it...let me know....

Here are a few bits of important info...

*If you are viewing this site in 800X600 resolution, in Internet Explorer, click View, Text Size, and choose SMALL...

*or..alternatively, click on the little button below my ugly photo that says "View Old Format"...this will take you to a new page that is formatted differently..

*If you are running 1024X768, you should be viewing this site as God intended it...and it should look pretty good....

Many thanks goes out to The Bartender and Pam from Hammerhead Designs...those two rock, baby...so, feel free to go on over there and have a look around...

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by Eric on Jan 04, 2004 | Comments(32) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Above and Beyond...

Joke of the Day...

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

courtesy of Strange Cosmos..

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by Eric on Jan 04, 2004 | Comments(4) | TrackBack (1) | Jokes
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Tales From The Champagne Room

Ferret Propaganda...

Well, ladies and gentlemen....I stand before you tonight...a humbled man....I've lived these 30-odd years...some of them VERY odd...and only NOW do I realize that I have been a purveyor of "Ferret Propaganda"....and for this, I will be ashamed for the rest of my days....I posted a while back about Ben Stiller getting mauled by a ferret....after he'd been running down the street with it, it got pissed off...he stopped to give a girl a kiss, and the varmint bit him....I reported it...as it was reported on Ananova.com...and suddenly, I am the arch-nemesis of ferret owners...gimme a break here, people.....heh...sorry...I have nothing against ferrets...as a matter of fact, I have no regard for them either....one could almost say that I go MONTHS without even the tiniest THOUGHT of a ferret entering my mind....so, please quit commenting about a FACTUAL news article posted WEEKS ago....you are causing ferret thoughts to dance around in my brain....and that is the LAST thing I need.......move on, people....peace be upon you....

Oh...and for you guys who read this stuff...you might want to check their comments...personally, I had no idea that people who owned ferrets used terms like "Ferret Propaganda"....

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Having A Slow Day?

Well...I just got back from the store...I had to get the Wife a late Christmas present...THIS little baby....she loves it...it's in the kitchen charging right now....THEN the fun will begin...I'll give it a week...maybe two....before she starts using that damn thing as a coaster...or paperweight....I guess it depends on which room she leaves it in....

Anyway, I've had a bit of a surf around the blogosphere today, and it looks like things are a little slow....people still haven't recovered from the Holidays, I guess....well, listen up...2003 is GONE...this is a NEW YEAR....get off your asses and BLOG!...ain't no one gonna do it for ya, you know....so....enough pep talk...I figured a nice motivational song might get you all in the correct mood to blog like demons.....so, I thought of a little Thorogood song that always make ME drive a little faster....so...bored?...tired?....suicidal?....turn your speakers up...and CLICK HERE....boogie, chillun...now, get back to bloggin'....

Update...I just realized that some of you will want to sing along...so, here are the lyrics...;)

On the night I arrived my daddy said "Sakes Alive,
He's the meanest one that we've had yet!"
Teethed on tin and weened on gin
I was nobody's teacher's pet
I grew up rough and mean in my early teens
And I didn't want to go to school
I called no man "Sir" and work was a dirty word
My biggest kick was breakin' the rules

Now when you see me comin', get away
The one's that didn't ain't around today
The sweetest piece of lovin' any girl ever had
I'm here to tell ya boys I was born to be bad
Born, born to be bad
I was born, born to be bad

Now when I reached 21 I had that ole ramblin' itch
Breakin' little girls hearts I tore the world apart
A guitar-playin' son of a...

Born to be bad
That's the story of my life
Yeah, doin' things wrong is my way of doin' things right

Now when I'm gray and old and my story's told
I know what the people will say
They'll be glad to see me go
But the little girls will know
I was bad til my dyin' day

So when you see me comin', get away
The one's that didn't ain't around today
The sweetest piece of lovin' any girl ever had
I'm here to tell ya boys I was born to be bad
Born, born to be bad
I was born, born to be bad

Now when I'm old and gray and I've had my day
I know what the people will do
They'll be glad to see me go
But the little girls will know
I was bad til the day I was through

So when you see me comin', get away
The one's that didn't ain't around today
The sweetest piece of lovin' any girl ever had
I'm here to tell ya boys I was born to be bad
Born, born to be bad
I was born, born to be bad

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by Eric on Jan 03, 2004 | Comments(9) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Tales From The Champagne Room

Beta Testing

HEY!....for those of you who had problems with my previous site...go over HERE and look at it...if you have any problems, note them in the comments section...The Bartender will fix you right up....if no one comments, then I don't want to hear your bitching over HERE when something doesn't work...;^)

go HERE now...or live with the consequences...heh...

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Listen UP, Readers...

I know that half of you only read my site for the cheap Robert Service poems....and the OTHER half only want to see more gun pics...so...these two facts mean that you guys and gals...

1. Like the Wilderness..
2. Like good rhyme schemes...
3. Like guns
4. Like gun pictures...

So...the way I look at it..you people are PERFECT for going over HERE and helping my buddy choose a weapon for his home....so, go and help him out....

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Brush..

....I'm tired.....my Mother had all of the Maple trees in her lawn pruned a few days ago...so, I left work a little early today, and headed over there to pile all of the brush....the guy she hired to do it just sawed off the limbs, and left them where they fell....she has a LOT of trees in the front yard....so, it took me two hours just to drag all those limbs to the back yard and pile them up...now, they are ready to be burnt at her leisure....but, I'm tired....

...usually, when I get home from work, my mind is tired...I need to sit down, have a drink, and let my mind rest.....however, today I have been reminded of something I'd forgotten....another of life's simple pleasures that we all let slip by....to be physically tired, but still have a mind which is focused and active....it is something that I miss....

I work with computers all day...I sit in a chair....in an office....I don't GET physically tired from my job...when I workout, it too is a different kind of tiredness...when you exercise, you are focused on whatever muscle group you are doing...you are concentrating on the correct form of lifting the weight....your mind is still working....

When I piled that brush today, I was like a zombie...I'd grab a limb, and walk in front of it like a plow horse...dragging it around the house to the back yard...about 70yds....then, I'd plod back and repeat...for two hours...I must have walked two miles....but, my mind was almost blank the whole time...I was thinking about the grass...how the freshly cut limb felt in my hand...how the tree bark was rough...how the squirrels rushed back up into the tree each time I walked around the corner of the house...my mind was resting...but my body was working...like a plow horse...If you have ever been in the Military, you might understand...it was almost like going on a road march during training....you walk for 6 or 8 hours on a road...and the only thought on your mind...is to keep proper alignment and distance from the guy in front of you....your body is being punished, but your mind is free...

...so....I sit here now....tired...but...somehow tired in a GOOD way....I can feel my weary feet...my hands....my thighs....and tomorrow, I will probably be a little sore....but right now, I'm enjoying this feeling.. Too many of us have jobs that never allow us to see a finished, whole product being delivered...we write a piece of software that, after 100 man-hours, fits on a floppy disk...we sit on an assembly line tightening the same bolt on the same piece of equipment every day....we work like hell, but the "product" of our labor is something intangible....outdoor workers, or farm workers...they don't have that problem...

Today, I created a brushpile...and, I'm here to tell ya...there is something extremely fulfilling about piling brush....I recommend it to anyone...

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Stand BY...

Okey dokey....sorry for all the confusion with the site...don't worry, the new-and-improved-kickass-version will be back up shortly....Pam and the Bartender are GREAT, and I can't wait to get the new site finished...so, in the mean time, you're all just going to have to make due with the old look....actually...I ALREADY miss looking at the custom SWG glassware....

So...for the next few days, you are going to see a lot of construction going on...bear with us...;)

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Fresh from the E-mail

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a Canadian,
using Bill Gates' technology,
and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,
that use Taiwanese-made chips,
and a Korean-made monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
trucked by Mexican illegal,
and finally sold to you.
That, my friend, is Globalization!

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How Cool is THIS..

Yeah, baby.....THIS is cool....

"PASADENA, California (AP) -- A speeding spacecraft has entered the bright halo of dust and gas surrounding a shimmering comet, where NASA hopes it will snag and return to Earth less than a thimbleful of primitive leftovers from the formation of our solar system.

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration said its Stardust spacecraft could pass within 186 miles of the comet Wild 2 on Friday while flying through the gossamer cloud that envelops the dirty ball of ice and rock. "

I suppose the main question is...will it survive going through the tail of the comet?..

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Construction Zone

Good morning....please watch your step around here...make sure you have your hardhat on....and don't forget your safety glasses....this is a major construction site...and the "management" WILL NOT be held accountable for any on-site injuries that may occur.....

.....for those of you who are having trouble with this site, please post a comment about whatever issue you have...if you don't tell us it is broke, then we can't fix it....

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C'mon 2004....let's dance..

Happy New Year!....last night was the most quite New Year's Eve EVER recorded at Straight White House....after partying like a madman during Christmas, we decided to just secure all the hatches and submerge for a while...I cooked dinner...mixed a few drinks....and we settled in for a night watching the tube...after a year as hectic as this past one, it was nice to usher in 2004 with a full stomach, a gentle Scotch buzz, and a lazy evening on the couch....

2003 is gone now...I will remember it as a landmark year for many, many reasons....new friends...new memories....new places....moments in time...and souvenirs collected... that shall last me a lifetime....I truly wouldn't have missed it for the world....

so...c'mon 2004....let's dance....

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