..once again... Wednesday is upon us... tonight's ordeal promises to be an International Incident... 1 Columbian... 1 Uruguayan... 1 Scot... and a couple of Hillbillies... mix in a liberal dose of alcohol, music, and pool-shooting... then just sit back and watch... as usual, I will give you the after-action report tomorrow....
..actually, I will be going to Middle Tennessee for work early tomorrow, and I might not make it back in time to post... so, you may not get a chance to hear the tales till Friday.... either way, I'm sure you'll be on the edge of your seat in anticipation...
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... an 88 year old man... diagnosed with a brain tumor... does this..... wow... I suppose that's one way to do it... but, what takes more Cajones?... to stay and fight the illness... or jump?....
"Joseph Harold Frost took off his safety belt at 300 to 400 feet, stood up in the open cockpit of the two-seat biplane and went over the side Monday.
The pilot tried but failed to wrestle him back into the plane and nose the aircraft upward to force Frost back into his seat.
"I think that was Dad's idea, to go out in a flash of glory," said Robert Frost, who had helped his father arrange the chartered flight on a biplane similar to the ones the elder Frost flew in World War II."
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...a Storm rolled in last night... but, it didn't last very long.... a lot of Thunder... but, not much of a lightshow.... so, instead of blogging, the Wife and I embraced the Storm together on the couch... we watched a DVD of the Rolling Stones doing their 40 Licks concert in London... I cooked up some Spaghetti in between songs.... no pasta, though... just garlic bread for dipping.... and the Storm boomed through "Sympathy for the Devil" as we sat practicing a few of our Seven Deadly Sins.....
..last night we reminisced about seeing the Stones in Atlanta in 2002.... it was an incredible night... we met up with the Gang at the Swissotel.... checked out our suite... had an early dinner at The Palm.... one of the guys had brought a bottle of high-dollar Tequila.... which was passed around the table.... Limo service to Turner Field.... watched the concert of a lifetime... sang "Honky Tonk Women" until I lost my voice.... bought the tee-shirt.... barhopping by Limo afterwards.... back to the Hotel... drinks in rooms... back to our room... and we argued... after all of the fun, excitement, and happiness... we argued... I don't even remember what we argued about... but, we did....
..last night, we didn't argue... we just sat back and watched Jagger twitch his twitch... the Wife would say... "remember when they played that song? It was incredible!".... and I would agree.... indeed, the concert was a blast... but, it is strange what we remember... I didn't mention to her that I remembered us arguing at the end of that fabulous day... .maybe she remembered it too... but, like me, didn't want to bring it up....
...maybe our memories change and morph over time.... we forget the bad things, and only remember the good... I just don't know... but, I do hope that it never happens to me... I want to remember the good with the bad.... I think it is more real that way....
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....the storm is coming here... no blogging.... gotta get offline for a while.... see you all in the morning....
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Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away ...
"We're down here ."
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...hmmm... things to do in London when you're Dead.... always wanted to be on the stage?... but, had no talent?... well, never fear! ... now is your chance to be on the London stage! ...requirements? talents?... nahh... just show up dead, and you're a shoe-in...
"LONDON (Reuters) - Two performance artists are searching for a corpse for their newest production -- and have put the word out at hospices in hope of a volunteer.
The group, called 1157performancegroup, said it was trying to demystify the issues surrounding death with its new London production, "Dead...You Will Be"
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...fresh from the morning e-mail... this little jewel...
While trying to escape Iraq, Saddam found a bottle in a cave and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Saddam.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Saddam thought a moment. Then he grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"
The highly annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning he woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding & Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance............God is good
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...gotta love those Romanians... they do seem to demand quality... after all, if you pay for it, the last thing you expect is dawdling service...
"A Romanian man lodged an official complaint with consumer protection officials after accusing a prostitute of "not doing her best"."
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...well, the experimental dinner menu worked pretty well... last night, beef/mushroom/onion kebabs were grilled at Straight White House.... they were a real treat... a lot better than I had expected.... also, a Greek Pasta Salad with Feta Cheese was consumed... along with two excellent bottles of a 1997 Rioja...
...it was interesting because I always cook the same things... Chili... or Spaghetti.... and, anything that needs worked over on the grill... but, normally, that's it... so, this little leap into the unknown was a lot of fun... I think I will start doing it more often..
...anyway, Sunday is always a pretty good day here at Straight White House... morning coffee was devoured while reading blogs... the second pot of the morning was enjoyed while sitting on the deck starkers... one of the nice benefits of living in the countryside is that you can enjoy a spring morning as nature intended... hell, it was 74 degrees by 9:30 this morning... the Wife was up by 10:30, and I prepared a meal of biscuits, butter, cheese, and raspberry jam... we ate it all on the deck...
...the Wife started reading a book, and I got my old guitar out... we spent the rest of the morning getting sun burnt on the deck.. as an aside, I saw a woodpecker that was incredible... that thing was the size of a chicken, I swear... the biggest damn Woodpecker I've ever seen... it landed on one of the Poplar trees, and when it started pecking, it sounded like a Browning 1919 going off... I don't know what kind of Woodpecker it was, but it was friggin HUGE...
...about noon, we decided to get cleaned up and head into town for lunch... my Mother had called last night and invited us to meet some of her friends from California... so, we drove into town and met up with them around 1:30... the Church-going crowd was out in force, and it was nice to see all the Old Men in Suits... and Ladies in Sunday Dresses.. just out for their Sunday ritual-after-church-lunch...
...the Californians were an interesting bunch.. a Mother, Father, and three buxom lasses... talking a hundred miles an hour.. acting as if I was an old friend... instead of someone that they'd just met for the first time... they, like my morning sunburn, were a very refreshing experience....
...Spring is here, people... just as tomorrow is another workday, soon Summer will be here... so, get out there and start enjoying it... in a few weeks, it'll be too damn hot to sit outside.... right now, it is perfect... carpe diem, and all that stuff.. just get your ass outside....
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...I'm a big fan of Art... music, writing, painting, poetry... all of it... the idea that some people have the ability to do these things is amazing.. expressing yourself with words... paint... or a musical instrument... I can't get enough of it... I understand as well that being surreal and avante-garde is what drives some artists... but this?... I'm afraid that it... as a work of art... is a bit over my head... I just don't get it.... then again, I've never blended goldfish either....
"COPENHAGEN, Denmark (AP) -- An artist with 780 gallons of red dye, three fire hoses and a 20-member crew at his disposal went to Greenland in search of a blank canvas large enough to accommodate his creative impulse.
The result is a blood-red iceberg now sitting off the country's western coast."
...best line of the article?... it's a tie between these two...
"The fjord is filled with hundreds of icebergs -- previously all of them white."
...and
"He invited guests to turn the devices on and someone did, grinding up a pair of goldfish."
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...this is totally wrong... and, anyone who has ever lusted after Jessica Rabbit can attest to it... Marge?.... gimme a break... I can think of a whole host of toonbabes who are better.... Ariel... Belle... they were BOTH hotter than Marge.. anyway, it really doesn't matter.. but, whoever chose that mag cover needs professional help....
"Marge strikes a provocative pose in a see through, low-cut dress while scrubbing the floor.
She's also featured on the inside pages with her blue hair down as she waits for Homer in bed.
Maxim editor-in-chief, Keith Blanchard said: "She's the sexiest mama in all of toon town, especially that sexy voice - arrghh!""
...please... someone... lock up Mr. Blanchard immediately... he's liable to hurt someone.... although... that "scrubbing the floor" pose... it DOES sound pretty hot...
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...Spanish Sailors... wow... Mary of the Sea... wow... Maria del Mar... ok....
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...ten years ago today, I found myself standing in front of 250 people.... while wearing a kilt... a skinny 21 year old with a shaved head... scared out of his mind..... standing in front of total strangers, cat-calling Sailors, and belly-laughing Marines... all waiting on me... standing there in my skirt... to deliver a speech... it was quite a day, boys and girls.... quite a day.... and, sitting here now... a few memories of that day are starting to ooze to the surface.....
...I remember that my Best Man gave a terrific speech... without notes.... without stuttering... AND while totally sober... a real kickass job of public speaking...
...he and my family had flown over from Tennessee three days before the event, and my soon-to-be-Bride and I had given them all the tour of the area... I remember watching my family be shocked for the first time by the everyday happenings in Scotland... Dad's first taste of McEwan's Export.... Mom's laughter at the traffic jam caused by a flock of sheep in the road.... Mike, Calvin, and Joshua's utter contempt for being forced to wear a skirt (kilt), and purse (sporran).... heh... at least they enjoyed having a dagger (sghean dubh) hidden in their knee socks.... traditional Scottish dress... Tennesseans always get happier when they are carrying concealed...
...I remember being banned from ever wearing a kilt again at the end of the reception.... actually... come to think of it, that is the first "Command" ever given to me by new Wife.... "You are NEVER allowed to wear a kilt EVER again.".... I remember it distinctly... I brought it on myself, I suppose... after about 6 pints of McEwan's, I'd had enough of the ole line... "What is worn under the kilt"... so, by the end of the night, when someone would ask, I would lift the kilt in their direction, and say... "Nope.. everything is in perfect working order...see?".... and, just like that, I was banned from wearing the kilt... ahhh... the things drunk Marines will do....
...I remember the little scream of terror that my new bride released at the end of the Cordon... heh.... you ever seen a real Marine Corps Cordon in action?.... it's a sight to behold.... arm in arm, we approached the front door of the church... I heard the Lieutenant give the command... "Arch!.. Swords!!"... we took a step into the threshold of the door, and the first two Marines lowered their swords.. blocking our path..... the Lieutenant then said the immortal words.... "Announcing in public for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Straight White Guy".... the two Marines whispered to me... "KISS HER!".... so, I did.... they raised their swords.... we stepped forward, and two more came down to block our path... "KISS HER" came the whisper again.... this happened all the way along the Cordon of Dress Blues.... until we got to the end... heh.... Sgt. Holland had vied for this position....the last man... the left side.... and, as we started to walk away, he quickly lowered his sword behind us, and bellowed, "WELCOME TO THE MARINE CORPS, MA'AM!!", and whacked her ass with his NCO Sword... heh... she screamed like she'd been shot... the crowd that had gathered on the street to watch were laughing and clapping.... ahhhh... what a day....
...I remember lots of things about that day... a day which changed my life forever.. and, continues to do so every day that I breathe...
...so, tonight I will be celebrating my 10th Anniversary with my darling Wife... how she's put up with me this long ... remains a mysterious miracle to me... so, I will make dinner.... we'll open some champagne.... and we will enjoy this evening with each other.... Happy Anniversary, My Wife... you are incredible...
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... further to the old addage "eat healthy - die anyway".... we now have some lovely scientists who are telling us... wait for it... "stop smoking - die anyway".... heh.. Nicotine has it's benefits, it seems... you may die of lung cancer, but at least you won't get Alzheimers... see? ...life is all about balances...
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....I've seen these things going around lately... first music.... etc... hey, we're all kinds'a'down with that here at SWG.... I remember my first music purchase vividly.... I went to the local K-mart, and purchased two tapes with my OWN money... what did I choose?...
...ZZ Top - Eliminator.... a classic of gigantic proportions....
..and...
...Prince - 1999.... hey, I was 12, gimme a damn break....sheesh... and, if it is any consolation, I still have that ZZ Top tape...
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...you ever meet someone, and know right away what kind of person they are?... walk through a crowded street, and secretly pigeon-hole everyone you see?... Hippie there.. Serial Killer there... WASP... Old Marine.... sometimes you actually CAN tell a lot about people by the way the walk... dress... talk... or, even their attitude...
...well, I used to be a firm believer in this approach... until today, that is... I have a friend that I work with... a young woman... petite... two children... divorcee... always smiling... always upbeat... just generally, a nice young lady... goes to church on Sundays... etc...
...what did I get in the e-mail from her today, children?... a chainletter with fluffy bunnies and angels?... nope... today, I was sent the photo attached below... I'd say it is worksafe, but only just... but, this photo is most assuredly not for the squeamish among you... so... Baby, if you think you can handle it, dare to be grossed out...
....oh, and the text of her e-mail, in it's entirety... consisted of..... "BWHAHAHAHAHAHA Look at this! BWHAHAHAA!!!"
...that's right... this is what she sent me... she's one sick puppy.... I think she must be about to snap at any moment... so, if you don't hear me blogging anymore, it will because she went Postal and machinegunned us all....
...I don't know how this happened to the poor gentleman, but I'd say it ruined his day fairly well... for those of you who really want to see the Big Picture, it can be found HERE at Rotten...
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..."Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock." --unknown....
..courtesy of Strange Cosmos...
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...ok... what the hell is going on with these two stories?... just think, when I retire, these "children" are going to be my Senators and Congressmen.. now, isn't that a charming little thought....
4 Year old takes Crack to school...
5 Year old with Weed at school...
...sometimes facts are stranger than fiction... and, some mornings when you get up and read the news, you wonder why the hell you even got up....
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..yep, that's right Ladies and Gentlemen... not much blogging tonight... weekly poolfest/grubfest/boozefest at the SWG House... after last week's thumping, Steve is out for blood... and, he's told me as much today... so, a Battle Royale is expected this afternoon... I'll post the resuts, as usual, when I sober up...
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...a Colorado man has been caught trying to board an airplane in Boston... with a severed head in his luggage.... now, folks, you gotta admit, that is an eyecatching first sentence.... heh..
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...ok, dammit... I just got home... I know I said 5pm EST, but I had to WORK... anyway, it's harder than you think to take a photo of your back... try it sometimes... it's hard... anyway, I have the photo now, and I will be posting it shortly for all you psychotic scar fetishists out there... you know who you are, people.... so, keep yer knickers on... it will be posted shortly...
Update: ..did I tell you it was hard to take a photo of your back?... well, it is... and, I am already stacking up a shitload of excuses for you retards who don't like my photo taking ability.... so, I don't want to hear your shit... first off, from looking at the photo, I can tell that it was much too small of a pendant to have tried branding with... (so, note to self.. if I ever try this fiasco again, do it with something BIG).... the hot gold burned enough to obliterate the cross in the center... after the scab peeled, the cross went with it.. I am not sure of the mystical ramifications of this, but it sounds bad... so... shortly, I shall post the pic... and.. (cue drumroll...)... a closeup with little lines to help you see the star better... after all, it was just a friggin necklace... oh, and I should probably point out that I have freckles.. lots of freckles... every-fucking-where... they are a goddamn menace... so... don't say you haven't been warned, you rubberneckin' bastards....
Update #2: Here it is... you freaks... as I referred to in this post, this is all I have left of the lady in question... enjoy, you pervs.... behold... the Shooting Star of David...
ok, kiddies... here it is... not a word... not a fucking word...
...and a close-up.. I even drew little lines to help you see it... much like kudzu on an abandoned Dairy Farm, my quaint little scar is quickly being overtaken by freckles... being red-headed... and Southern... the sun is not our friend... and, exposed flesh quickly succumbs to the fearsome freckles...
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Fresh from the morning e-mail....
because Harvey asked... here it is...
WHY FIREARMS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN....
#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.
#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.
#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.
#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman!
#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!
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... I can't wait for THIS to open.... man, I'm gonna be Romania bound...
"The headless body of Vlad Tepes, the real-life 15th-century Wallachian prince notorious for impaling his Ottoman prisoners, is believed to be buried at a monastery in the middle of Snagov Lake, near the planned theme park.
Vlad is thought to have been born in Sighisoara around 1431 to Vlad Dracul or Dragon. The young Vlad was named Dracula -- meaning son of Dracul -- by his father. In Romanian, the word also means the devil"
ahhh.. seeeeng to me, Cheeeeldrennn uv da Niiight....
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...I know I already posted one today, but this one really hits home...
The Scotsman and the Dentist
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction, Sir" was the Dentist's reply.
"Och, huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, Sir" said the Dentist.
"What about if yer din't use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual, Sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70," said the Dentist.
"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dental trainees and still without anaesthetic" said the Scotsman.
"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40," said the Dentist.
"Och, that's still a bit much. How about if yer make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case," said the Dentist.
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can yer confirm an appointment for the wife for next Tuesday?"
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... congrats (and not much else) goes out to Geoffrey of Dog Snot... who was my 1500th commenter.... and someone who arrived here via James of Parkway Rest Stop... my 25,000th confused visitor... so, I now officially owe each of you a large Scotch and Water... thanks, guys...
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.... I think this is a good idea... and long overdue...
"San Diego Union-Tribune ( MAR. 22)
Defying more than two centuries of history and tradition, a move is gaining momentum to change the title of the secretary of the Navy to recognize his role as manager of two distinct armed services. A bill to change the title to "secretary of the Navy and the Marine Corps" received ringing endorsements at a House Armed Services Committee hearing yesterday. Both witnesses and committee members said the change would be a symbolic but important shift reflecting the reality that the Marines are much more than the "sea soldiers" they were in the 18th century. "The whole issue is that the Marine Corps has been designated by past congresses as the fourth armed service," said the bill's author, Rep. Walter Jones, R N.C. "It is not part of the Navy."
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...fresh from the morning e-mail.... Role Models, my ass....
"Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." .
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of Heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) .
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't
care.'"
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F 's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye." (Dead man walkin')
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...I swear unto all that is holy... there is a frog under a plastic bag of ice... in my garage.. here is the deal...
...the cat.. Fred, in this instance, dragged home a frog.. all legs akimbo... slightly chewed... (one leg was covered in cat hair.. and, I might add, half eaten).... but, there it sat... green... croaking... both in the literal AND figurative sense.. meekly blinking at us... almost as in some kind of disappointment... as if to say, .... please... Meester, Eric... keeeel me now.....
...so, I asked the Wife what she wanted done... a quick size 10 stomp on the bastard?.. dammit... I hate to see animals suffer... and, if you ever own cats, trust me... you are GONNA see animals suffer... oh no, not the cats... their VICTIMS... anyway.... she didn't want the stomp method... so, I asked her what she wanted.... "put it in a bowl.... and microwave it"... she said.... DAMN, girl... that would be torture... you can't microwave a poor frog.... shit, if you think the stomp-method was bad, the microwave method is even fucking worse... so, I said.. "why don't you just leave it for the cats to finish later".... and, she didn't like that outcome either....
....finally, she said... (which, I am impressed with her creativity here).... "fill a plastic GLAD bag with ice, and bring it to me... we'll freeze it to death.. it will be just like going to sleep... as the hypothermia begins".... yeah.... I know what you're thinking... I married a goodun.... so, I did as instructed... and now... as I sit here typing... a frozen, half-eaten froglet is dead in my garage.... both cats have circled many times... but, I think they are afraid of the cold.. in any case, the fact remains.... I was party to a henious murder tonight.. murder by ice.. in a way, it is remarkably Hitchcockian.... then again, maybe it is just warped...
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...I've got one... I take it with me everywhere... I'm not Jewish, but I've got a lot of friends who are, and I read a lot of blogs by Jews... what brought this up?.... I just saw my back in the mirror, and there it was.. on my left shoulder..
...I met a girl in Pensacola once... a Jewish girl from Long Island.. she was doing her bit for Uncle Sam just as I was... her Army, and my Corps.. we hit it off... she was a beautiful, tough, streetwise and aggressive girl.. and, I was a skinny 17 year old country boy, fresh from the tobacco fields... a match made in heaven, no doubt.. so, we dated for a while, and romance bloomed...and then, when I received my orders for the Pacific, we parted ways... I was heartbroken...a bit more crushed than she, you might say...
..but, I must have made an impression of sorts during our 2 months together...because, after 4 months of sitting alone on a rock in the Bering Sea, she