... for those of you who have read my site for a while... you will remember that I have a certain soft spot for librarians... I don't know where I get it from.. but, that whole hair-up, ponytail, skirt, and eye-glasses... just really gets me going.. so, I thought I would just clue you guys in... I had a few minutes to spare this morning... so, what did I do while in beautiful Nashville?... stroll up Broadway?... visit the Charlie Daniels Museum?.... nope.. none of the above... what DID I do?.. why, cruise over to the Nashville Public Library, of course... after all, the quality of a City can be read by the cuteness of their librarians.... and, I must tell ya... I have not been disappointed... and, she's a brunette.. life is good, people....
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...well, I'm heading out to Nashville... the Wife has got some business to attend to there... so, if anyone needs me, I will be in the bar at the Mariott on 4th Avenue North... Nashville, Tennessee... I'll be the guy slumped over an overpriced glass of single malt...
..in my absence, anyone who feels froggy enough... and has keys to the blog... feel free to spew your incessant drivel till I get back...
...gotsta go now, children... play nice... Daddy will miss you...
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.... I plan on retiring to Alaska... why?... well, it's still pretty wild up there... one of my Buds lives just outside Anchorage, and he's had Brown Bears walk through his back yard... that's just awesome... I want to live in a place were there are things in your back yard that can (and will) kill and eat you if they get the chance... I just love the idea of that....
..I would retire to Florida.. but, it's too damn hot down there.. although, according to this story, they do meet my qualifications....
A nearly 10-foot-long alligator bit a woman on the leg and arm and dragged her into a Sanibel lake Wednesday evening as she was gardening near the bank behind her home, Sanibel police said.
..see what I mean?... talk about adding a little excitement to your silver years.. heh...
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..for those of you retards who are interested, I managed to not only survive last night's poolfest, but I actually kicked some ass.. when one reaches the right balance of music and Scotch, the Meucci wand does, indeed, produce magic...
...oh, and go read Velocigod... now... do it, children.. you won't be sorry... trust Uncle Eric... go now... but, be careful... a word of advice... no matter how much he begs, don't sit in his lap....
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...damn, people... this is becoming a weekly ordeal... every Wednesday, I post about shooting pool... ahh, well... after last week, and the total asskicking I received, this week HAS to be better... on the upside, more desensitization to the Flea's effects has been performed this week.. so, that might help.... it certainly didn't last week... but, hope springs eternal, children...
... on the downside?... my arch nemesis, Steve, just went and got contact lenses.. the bastard.... his first prescription renewal in 9 YEARS... which means, basically, I have been getting my ass stomped by a friggin BLIND MAN for the past year... and NOW, he has 20/20 vision... I'm in for it, I can already tell... still, it IS my house... so, if it gets too damn bad, I'll just pull an Eric Cartman on their asses.... "Screw you guys, you're going home"... or something like that.... heh... so, with disaster on the horizon... I leave you with the Mother Of All Pre-Battle Speeches....
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'
...sometimes, Ladies and Gentlemen, it takes a little Henry V to motivate the soul....
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...fresh from the morning's e-mail... this little jewel...
You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parent's home on weekends. For those of you who may be too young to remember John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster.
This is such a nice letter from the President:
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON D.C.
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC
Dear John:
Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital has reported that you are doing fine.
I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents.
I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.
By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster?
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
President
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...well, how about this... heh... stranded on a desert island with such a fine group of people.... color me honored... only one worrying thing though... as with the crew of the Bounty... leaving a group of men like that alone with a group of women of that caliber... the result after 20 years of isolation would be fodder for an X-Files episode... in any case, I'm willing to give it a try... just show me to the boat, people...
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....as I started to mention earlier, it is WINDY today... not exactly the kind of day I would volunteer to ride an hour in a 6 seater Piper... but, alas, duty called, and I answered.... still, I suppose it beats the 4 hour drive... but, as I was telling my partner-in-crime today, the drive was actually really nice.... us hillbillies don't get a chance to see cotton fields very often... anyway, to cut to the chase, the plane jumped around the whole damn way back... serious jumpin' around.. SERIOUS... and, I loved every second of it... firstly, I met the pilot this morning, and helped him stow some cargo.. and, he was the kind of guy who immediately instilled confidence.... so, I figured I was in safe hands... and, I was.... secondly, I always figured that as soon as the plane took off, you were "dead"... so, you might as well enjoy it... you aren't going to be "alive" again until the thing lands... so, relax... enjoy the view... I mean, it's not like I could fly the damn plane if the pilot suddenly slumped over the yoke, right?... so, in my mind, why worry?... you're dead till you land... so, just relax...
...well, I was hungry as we boarded the plane... and, I had bought myself some good ole Middle Tennessee healthfood.... 2 corndogs, and a BBQ Pork sandwich from a local gas station... all to be chased down with a Mountain Dew... hey, shut up.. I know how to ride in style.... anyway, as we taxied, I was busy eating... as soon as we took off, I had already eaten the corndogs, and was busy with the greasy pork sandwich... the plane was jumping left.. right.. up...up... down... and, my Boss turns around... almost green, and says to me... "How can you EAT in a situation like THIS??"... what was my reply?..
.."Dammit... I sure as HELL ain't gonna die HUNGRY!"...
...well, that didn't do much to soothe their mind... so, we continued the rest of the flight with me trying to sleep... which I couldn't do... mainly because the shaking plane kept bashing my noggin against the headrest... and my Boss crossing the line between oaths, prayers, and some pretty damn good profanity every 30 seconds... heh... turbulence... you gotta love'em... ya know.. I don't mind being a passenger... but, I sure as HELL would not have wanted to be the pilot today...
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...well, children... today has been a long day... a flight out to Middle Tennessee and back was... an adventure.... for those of you not in Tennessee right now, it is friggin WINDY!.... WHOO HOOO!... Magic Carpet Ride, indeed... man, I just love turbulence.. absolutely one of the coolest things around.... anyway, enough of that crap, I'll post more on today's escapades later.... a fellow netizen has asked me to link to their "Political Quiz"... well, I took it, and I'm sad to say that I am an Evil Commie Sympathizer Evil Archconservative... heh.. who'd a thunk it?...
...so, run along over to Don Hagen's place, and find out where you fit in the giant political scheme of things... it's worth a shot, and it's a good laugh...
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...after telling my little story about how much that billboard pissed me off... I had an idea... so, I scoured the net looking for some billboards... so, here, my gentle ones, check out what I found for your enjoyment...
...and... just for you wonderful Women readers out there....
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... gone are the days of quiet summer afternoons... hearing the gentle lilt of music coming from an approaching Ice Cream Van... where the children rush out to meet the sweet natured old man who drove through your neighborhood every day.... now, we get this...
"NEW YORK April 20 — A man who allegedly beat two competitors with a wrench in an attempt to take over their ice cream truck route was indicted Monday, prosecutors said.
Fernando Esparza, 51, was charged with attempted murder, assault and criminal possession of a weapon a large plumber's wrench in the March 27 attack on competitors Juana and Luis Marrero, Bronx District Attorney Robert Johnson said."
..charming..
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...as I was on my way to Nashville yesterday, I pulled off I-75 at the Lenoir City exit.. I had felt the need for a chili-cheese pup from the Krystal there, as you do....
...well, I'm sitting there waiting for traffic to clear so I can cross the road, when I suddenly notice a huge billboard... with two lonely, but highly offensive words on it...
"SMOKERS STINK"
..right there.. on the side of the I-75... what a load of shit... I immediately yelled, "BITE ME, you Bastard!"... to which, my Mother... who was sitting in the passenger seat watching traffic.. said... "Pardon!?", in quite a genteel Southern Lady kinda way...... "Just look at that billboard.." I said.... "Who in the hell do these people think they are?"... She grinned, and replied... "Well, people who smoke DO have a different smell about them..."..... "Well, Mom.. there IS a difference... I mean... what if I put up a billboard that said something like... 'Chocolate Milk Drinkers are Ugly'... eh, what would you think about that?"
... anyway, you get the point... opinions are opinions... and, billboards should be used to advertise the location of the nearest McDonalds... and NOT to voice some closet Nazi's opinions...
...when I finally arrived at the Krystal, I couldn't even enjoy my Chili-cheese Pup... damn, I was mad....
...I am seriously thinking of renting the billboard next to it.. and posting my own message... but, I am torn between... "BITE Me"... "SHUT UP"... and, "Come over HERE and say that, you pathetic little Nazi..."
...I mean, c'mon.. how much could it cost to rent that billboard?... of course, if I DID put up a billboard saying something like.. "Hippies Smell", I'd be run out of town on a rail, I suppose... but, it is ok for those same smelly Hippies to tell Me that I STINK?... fuck them... cowardly little bastards...
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...well, I saw this... and, I just HAD to put it up here... after all, isn't this site where you expect to find juicy tidbits such as this?... heh...
MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - A Mexican cook killed his drinking buddy, cut up his body and boiled him in herbs, according to police who fear he may have been turning him into tamales.
...incidentally, this is precisely the reason that I have never gone on a boozer with a Mexican chef... one can never be too careful these days....
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...one of my old Marine Corps buddies is coming down to visit in June... he and I were good friends when we were stationed in Alaska... but, when I PCS'd out to Scotland... he was sent to MCB Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii two weeks later.. to serve with 1st Radio Battalion...
...well, we have kept in touch over the years... and, I go up to visit him in Anchorage every other year or so... and, on our down years, he and his Wife come to visit Tennessee... this year, it's his turn.. they will be here shortly.. anyway, back to the story...
...he had not been at 1st Radio very long when he was deployed (I think with 11 MEU(SOC)) to Somalia... he, and a team of about 8 Comms/Elint/EW Marines set up a communications and collection point in Building One in Mogadishu....
...they did their jobs for a few months... and, when the time came, the Marines were pulled out of Mogadishu to be replaced with the US Army... well, once the Army took control of intel collection, NSA started complaining... they seemed to like the Jarhead Intel weenies better... so, that small team of 8 guys was sent back to Building One... leaving the US Army still in charge of security... in effect, stranding a tiny cadre of Marines in a sea of Soldiers...
...this cycle continued... the US Army was relieved of security for Building One, and replaced by the Australians... meanwhile, those intrepid 8 Jarheads remained in the upper floors of Building One.. continuing to do their jobs... collecting, and reporting back to NSA... I must say, those 8 guys did one helluva job... not only did they demonstrate the quality of USMC ELINT and Comms, they also had the opportunity to work closely with many of the UN Members' Armed Forces.. most notably, the Australians, the Turks, and the French Foreign Legion... all of whom provided security for Building One at various times...
...how the hell does all of this tie in to Anzac Day?... well, as History is often full of strange coincidences... my Buddy once told me a story that typical of most Military Operations....
...it seemed that the Australians had taken a shine to the 8 US Marines... they all got along great... and, as Anzac Day approached, the Marines began hearing stories of the incredible party being planned to celebrate the holiday... and, as an added surprise, there were going to be "Special Visitors" at the Anzac Day party this year...
...when the night arrived, and the ceremonies had been completed... of course, the beer began to flow... and then, the "Special Visitors" were announced... this being a UN Operation, it was announced that the Turks were going to be relieving the Aussies... on Anzac Day... so, in walk the Turks... who, as fellow soldiers, were welcomed with cheers... and, beer... to the Anzac Party... it must have been a surreal situation... but, in a way, a fitting one.... Australians and Turks... celebrating together... what was a victory for the Turks, and a bloodbath for the Aussies... yet, now... fighting for the same goals in Somalia... incredible... but, fighting men, regardless of their country of origin, are part of a brotherhood... mutual admiration, fear, and respect for the job...
...I wasn't there.. and, I am telling this story second hand... so, some of the details may be slightly askew... but, the story is true... so, Happy Anzac Day, everyone.... the sacrifice those brave troops made at Gallipoli should never be forgotten... the sacrifice of today's fighting men and women.. also... should not be forgotten... we owe them all a lot more than we could ever pay...
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...well, here I sit... fresh back from visiting my Bro in Nashville.... he looked really good.... he is coming through his surgery really well.. but, he has one helluva scar.. still, he looked good.... he's back to bench-pressing 245.... and, he can still dunk a basketball left-handed... so.. cancer can kiss his ass, at the moment... two bouts of chemo.... two surgeries.... and, the boy is jumping around like a squirrel on crystal meth.... heh... he continually amazes the shit out of me....
...the drive, once again, was fabulous... Spring is incredible up on the plateau.... wild Wisteria was everywhere along I-40... purple and lilac blossoms the whole way.. my Mother drove her new "French Silk" colored LS, and therefore, she had control of the radio... which, normally is a problem.. but, she had been shopping.... so, we had the Eagles, Billy Joel, and Credence Clearwater Revival on display for the 7 hours we spent on the road...
...in any case, I'm back now... and, I must do my duty... during the drive today, I tried to think up some worthwhile prizes for you bastards who donate to the Glorious Fighting Fusiliers for Freedom campaign... and, I have come up with the following... (as prescribed by the Straight White Wife).... oh, and by the way, they are STILL taking volunteers....
...anyone who can prove that they donated monies.. ANY monies.... from a link on my site to our cause... will be allowed to propose a topic for a post.. all offers will be obeyed.... if you donate money, then request a topic, I will write at LEAST a 100 word post, in your honor... on that topic.... there... satisfied?...
..so.... now.... donate!
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...last week, I had new tires put on the ole buggy that I drive... that means that I only got 20K miles out of my Pirellis.... which sucks... it came from the factory with Pirelli tires...
...so, being busy at work one day, I relied upon my old Cousin, Big Daddy C, to help out a fellow traveler... I, you see, know nothing of machinery, cars, tires, and such... I have always found it easier to take the car to a professional mechanic... whereas; Big Daddy always performs his own maintenance.. it only seemed natural to let him choose my new tires... plus, he is notoriously tight.. so, I figured he'd get me a good deal... heh...
...well, like I said, I was inundated with helpdesk calls that day... and the Mail Server was down... so, I just tossed him my credit card, and directed him to Tirerack.com... told him to pick out some good ones, and go ahead and purchase them online...
...a few hours later, he arrived in my office with a big smile on his face... "I got your tires, Eric... they should be here in two days... I didn't choose those Pirellis, though... the Michelin ones seemed to be a much better tire... so, I got you for of them.. I got a pretty good deal, too... 188 bucks..."
...now, my dear ones, I was overjoyed with this news.... I knew that the Pirellis were almost 150 bucks each... so, having stared a possible 600 buck Vulcanized Rubber bill in the face, I was thrilled....
..."That's great, man! How'd you get them so cheap?"...
..."Well, I called up the dealership, and they wanted $230 for the same tire that was on Tirerack.com at $188... so, I bought you four of them.... I did some looking around, and that is the absolute BEST tire you can buy for your model of car..."
...and, that is when the penny dropped, quite literally... $188 each... yes, I said each... the sweet elation I had felt earlier.... the idea of getting a quality tire at a cheapskate rate.... was crushed by Big Daddy's words.. there was almost an audible "crunch" noise when it died... like the one you hear when placing the heel of a well-polished penny-loafer on a scrabbling Junebug.... then applying a little pressure.....
...but, upon further inquiry, he confessed that he was only looking out for my best interest.... you know what I mean.... the most comfortable ride... best - and safest - in all weathers... least road noise... etc... etc... so, I let him off the hook... but, I did learn one thing about people you perceive as tight with money... they are usually only tight with THEIR money... your money?... well, hey, that's a different story all together
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...since Harvey thinks that my idea for raising money sucks, I think it is time for something different... and, with that in mind, I will leave it to you, dear readers, to come up with an idea... so, what would it take from ole SWG to get you people to open up your musty old wallets?... hmmm?.... more scar photos?... a mp3 of a Robert Service recitation?.... a confessional post about that night at the Raymond Revue Bar in London's Soho?.... perhaps a custom post on the topic of your choosing?.... c'mon... since my idea was so shitty, YOU people tell me what you want...
...and, Velociman, you sick fucker, nothing involving harnesses or lubrication...
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...as the battle wages, a city and a civilization are being rebuilt... as people die in battle, so are bonds of friendship and cooperation being formed... help the Marines help the people of Fallujah...
..and, as a little added incentive to all of you... if I have at least ..three five people donate three five dollars or more, I will answer five three questions from each donator... as long as you sneaky people can prove you donated.... so... out with it... wanna know the secret of life?... wanna know what I had for dinner?... donate, and then spill it, people... you ask, Eric answers.... and, if you don't want to ask a question, but still want to donate, that's cool...
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.... this is funny.... I'm sorry.. I really am... but, I have to admit that I laughed out loud...
"He was a big boy and obviously aroused," Alsop told the Sun newspaper on Thursday.
"He sidled up against us. The next thing I know he's banging away at the car and it's rocking like hell."
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...damn... sometimes, I just LOVE living in the South... and am PROUD to be a Southerner... here are a few snippets of Wisdom I overheard today during my various and sundry travels...
..."He was busier than a three-peckered puppy"... I have absolutely no idea what this means... so, don't bother asking...
..."He's his father's Son... kind hearted, but half retarded".... heh.. I know the kid.. AND the Father... and, yep... that was putting it mildly....
..."people around here?... well, they can be broke down into a few different categories... Creekers, Hillbillies, Knobites, Rednecks, Townies, and Foriegners"... in a simplistic way, it pretty much sums up the denizens of rural East Tennessee... present company included, of course...
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...the fearless leader of the Fighting Fusiliers of Freedom, John of Argghhh, has called me to action... and, I am proud to serve... dig deep, people... it's for a good cause.... help our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines win through to absolute Victory in Iraq... they are there, after all, to ensure we continue to live in peace and freedom... so, run along... and, thank you...
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....I have a cunning plan...
....normally, during my weekly mini-pool tournaments, we listen to laid back music... everyone kinda likes it... James Taylor, Neil Young.. mild stuff... keeps the tempo low... you know, the kinda stuff to keep the band of miscreants from running rampant through my garage... well, tonight it will be different.... yep, you guessed it... heh.... Red Hot Chili Peppers... maybe their jarring tunes will disorient my fellow drunks just enough to give me the upper hand... I have been desensitizing myself to the effects of the Flea for the past week... one can never be too prepared.... so, we shall see... although.... if they protest, and ask for Jim Croce, I'm fucking doomed....
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...fresh from the morning e-mail....
A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
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... I am a peaceable fellow.... not really prone to violence... but, I can totally relate to this gentleman.... I once, in an alcohol fueled fit of rage, attempted to bladerunner a fellow jarhead... nasty business... but, the movie is a bust.. eyes are a LOT harder to rip from someone's grape than they depicted in the film... what a let down....
... all in all, tis better to live your life having not lost any body parts... even if it was just a nibble... for this reason, I refuse to get that piercing I've been contemplating... is the doughnut whole without it's center?.. I think not, friends... so, with that said, there will be no market for SWG Doughnut Holes... I shall die, dear friends, with all my bits.... I hope....
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...alright, people... whoever the hell invented the goddam Women's Entertainment Channel should be located immediately, and shot right between the eyes.. or, double-tapped gently with a 9mm... Military style... either way is fine, I don't care... THEN, we need to find the no-good sonofabitch who invented the Lifetime Movie Network... THAT Bastard should get it next... except, with them, they get slowly boiled in a vat of white vinegar first.... then, pulled out at the last minute to have their skin peeled off... out and out Death is too good for that prick/bitch... I want THEM to fucking SUFFER....
...the line for the lynch mob starts on the left, folks... these insidious chick flicks must be culled, and I mean NOW... evil is truly among us now, children..
...all able-bodied troops are ordered to form in the Kitchen at 1900 tonight for a briefing... Operation "Get Back The Fucking Remote Control" will kick off at 1930 sharp... after the victory, all wounded may retire to the Blogroom to await medicinal Scotch....
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...somehow, I have a feeling that this lady would have a friggin' stroke if she ever read my site.....
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...what kind of sick bastards are they growing out in Montana?...
...this kind, evidently...
...arm yourselves, people... the world is full of psychos..
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..I did this post back a few weeks ago... and, enjoyed it completely... the music.. the ride... the weather.... wonderful... and, just this morning, I get a message from someone who liked it too....
From Bob's e-mail.... after I told him that I "discovered" Bechet about 10 years ago...
Hi Eric: I've played clarinet since age 13 and I'm 75 now. I "discovered" Sidney around 1949 via his recording of Summertime on the radio program Midnight Special, then hosted by Chicago's Studs Terkel. I recently finished reading John Chilton's book "Sidney Bechet, The Wizard of Jazz" and can recommend it highly to anyone interested in SB's work and life. If he had only recorded Summertime and Petit Fleur it would have been sufficient legacy for music lovers. I came across Leonard's cd while searching on SB's records. I must say that it is a rare find and refreshing in its style. Also for SB admirers is Bob Wilber's Tribute to Bechet at the Smithsonian vhs tape. SB's few movie appearances are not highlights of his life by any means! Best Regards, Bob
..ladies and gentlemen... this e-mail made my day.. proof positive that there is a link between the ages..... I am 31... Bob is 75.... and, both of us can recognize the genius of Bechet... I don't play clarinet... but, Bob does.... maybe musicians like Bob - and I hesitate to call myself a musician - have a propensity for acknowledging THE TALENT.... I ain't got it... but, Sidney did... so, without further hesitation.... here is another selection of Bechet.. enjoy...
..the flirty... seductive... "Blues in the Air"....
..the deep.... crying.... "Blues in Thirds"....
..and, my personal favorite... the "Texas Moaner Blues".... to which, I often imagine is being played whilst I kick ass in my poolroom...
Update:.. all of these songs were recorded between 1940 and 1941... just in case you were wondering..
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