... fresh from the e-mail.... the best Tennessee joke I've heard....
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-81. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
...fresh from the morning's e-mail... this little jewel...
You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parent's home on weekends. For those of you who may be too young to remember John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster.
This is such a nice letter from the President:
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON D.C.
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC
Dear John:
Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital has reported that you are doing fine.
I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents.
I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.
By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster?
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
President
...fresh from the morning e-mail....
A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
...fresh from the morning e-mail...
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Ahh, Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police offiicer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this... two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by a walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" ..and He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the oldcouple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, he says to them. "That was something else, youmust have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric
The Good - The Bad - The Ugly
It Can Always Be Worse
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
...courtesy of Strange Cosmos....
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away ...
"We're down here ."
...fresh from the morning e-mail... this little jewel...
While trying to escape Iraq, Saddam found a bottle in a cave and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Saddam.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Saddam thought a moment. Then he grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"
The highly annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning he woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding & Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance............God is good
..."Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock." --unknown....
..courtesy of Strange Cosmos...
Fresh from the morning e-mail....
because Harvey asked... here it is...
WHY FIREARMS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN....
#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.
#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.
#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.
#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman!
#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!
...I know I already posted one today, but this one really hits home...
The Scotsman and the Dentist
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction, Sir" was the Dentist's reply.
"Och, huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, Sir" said the Dentist.
"What about if yer din't use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual, Sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70," said the Dentist.
"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dental trainees and still without anaesthetic" said the Scotsman.
"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40," said the Dentist.
"Och, that's still a bit much. How about if yer make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case," said the Dentist.
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can yer confirm an appointment for the wife for next Tuesday?"
...fresh from the morning e-mail.... Role Models, my ass....
"Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." .
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of Heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) .
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't
care.'"
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F 's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye." (Dead man walkin')
...courtesy of Strange Cosmos....
Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries:
Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out
You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa
Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart
I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day
She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me
The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long
Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi
I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf
Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy
...fresh from the e-mail... heh.. in honor of the upcoming St. Patrick's Day, I give you a Green joke...
A man enters a confessional and says to the priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Tell me my son, who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest, "go and say ten Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explains that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
Fresh from the morning E-mail...
...well, I know it's old news, but I just got this in the email, and felt like sharing....
....a fellow blogger saw this, and thought of me... heh... but, I normally prefer Scotch to beer, I have... on occasion... had a few.... SEE?
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
"24 hours in a day, 24! beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Courtesy of Strange Cosmos...
Fresh from Strange Cosmos...
Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and contraception."
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower -case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
...fresh from the morning e-mail....
A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he shits in the bed.
The wife says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
...and....
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
..wow.... I don't EVEN want to know why he locked his dick up...
"A Russian man has been told he will have a bent penis for the rest of his life after trapping it in a padlock.
Firemen in Moscow spent an hour freeing the 20-year-old man after he called emergency services after a sex game went wrong.
A doctor at Moscow's Hospital No.50, where the man was treated, told local daily Moskovsky Komsomolets: "His penis will be bent to one side but it will still function."
Firemen used cold water and grease to try to release the padlock before finally cutting it free with a saw."
Van Gogh's Relatives
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
courtesy of Strange Cosmos...
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
courtesy of Strange Cosmos...
... Hillbilly eloquence in all its glory....someone has taken a good stab at their family tree... courtesy of Strange Cosmos...
Kentucky Family Tree
Many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be
this widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her.
And soon the pair were wed.
This made my dad my son-in law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my fathers wife.
To complicate matters worse
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widows's grown up daughter
Who of course, was my step mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mum
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
Submitted by Rodney M.
...I knew it... it was only a matter of TIME...
"Pasadena, CA - Spammers have taken control of communications on Mars rover Spirit, and have started using it as an interplanetary spam relay announced NASA representative Sylvia Monborn.
NASA engineers first became aware the issue when the images of the Martian landscape from the pancam started to resemble hot young girls who like to spread them. For some of the engineers the new pictures were even more interesting than Martian rocks, but they eventually realized that something had gone wrong.
Direct Marketing Alliance President Wilbur Simons said, “The US government passed a law against unsolicited e-mail, so as spammers we had to be more creative. As far as I know the Mars government has not banned spam on their planet.”
NASA promised to track down the people responsible. “Please send to us any spam you receive originating from the ‘@spirit.mars’ address, so we can track down the offending spammers. Don’t forget to include the pictures too,” said primary investigator Elwyn Urchin.
Anti-spam advocates were upset by the news, and called for severe penalties for the offenders. “I think this makes it clear that we need to launch a tactical nuclear strike on the Mars rover to stop these spammers in their tracks,” said Marla Bacon of the Stop Spam Now organization."
....read THE REST.... heh..
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger"
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger"
"Well, said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it is God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
...for all of you hopeless romantics out there, here are some lovely poems to add to your hand-made Valentine's Day cards....courtesy of Strange Cosmos..
I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
...I just got this from the e-mail... an ole Jarhead buddy sent it to me.. I don't know who this Mr. M is, but what he describes sounds pretty standard.. Hell, on Adak, we used to beat rats to death with softball bats... but, that is for another blog... a bored soldier or Marine is a dangerous thing... heh..
Mister M here, from Baghdad, Iraq.
My last article dealt with some of the more serious aspects of the war in Iraq, but I would like to take this space and time to address something we like to call "Cartoonish Buffoonery".
You see, when you take a thousand or so cavalry and artillery soldiers, and you send them overseas with nary a drop of liquor, and put them into an oft-psychotic and surreal environment such as Iraq, the ensuing tomfoolery is of epic proportions.
The things I have witnessed here have been unbelievable. The fucking Buffoonery needle is pegged out in the red.
For example:
Donkeys.
Donkeys?
Yes, donkeys. The poorer Iraqi people have these big ass nasty donkeys that they use for everything under the sun. They stand around in traffic next to 50 thousand dollar cars. I swear to you that I've seen a donkey with most of a Dodge Omni strapped to it's back. Not only this, but everyone who rides a donkey or a donkey-cart has some kind of big fucking stick that they use solely for donkey-beating purposes. It's great.
A few donkey anecdotes:
I was at a UXO site, where an unexploded bomblet of one kind or another was awaiting demolition. I was pulling local security at the gun truck, when I noticed an unusually high number of donkey-cart teams milling around in the road. An idea struck me. I attracted the attention of a child riding a donkey-cart, and motioned to him with crude hand-gestures that he should beat the animal. The child, eager to please, proceeded to wail the living fuck out of the donkey with a short rubber hose. The donkey made a loud donkey-noise and I laughed, for it was tremendously funny.
A man was pulling weeds in his garden one day, and a donkey was standing near him. Without any provocation, the donkey walked over and screamed into the man's ear. This obviously frightened the man, who was in some kind of deep rumination while pulling his weeds. The guy stood up, and proceeded to chide the donkey in rapid, angry Arabic. The donkey, who does not speak human language, paid him no heed, and screamed again. The man then kicked the donkey in the face, Jet Li-style. The donkey left in a hurry, feelings hurt.
Then you have the donkey-jacking. What? Yeah, that's what I said. Two donkey carts rolled down the street, one with a single passenger, one with three men. The 3-man cart pulled alongside the 1-man cart, and a man leapt off onto the single-man's cart. He threw the hapless driver onto the other cart, and rode the newly-stolen cart off into the sunset, while his partners held the man down to watch his donkey and cart slowly make a getaway. It was terrible and funny as fuck at the same time, most of the other things that I find amusing.
I could go on for days about the donkeys. But I don't want to focus too much on one thing. Let's move on to the Iraqis themselves.
Like any other nation, the Iraqis have a few smart people, a whole lot of average people, and a very vocal minority of stupid, stupid people. Unfortunately, in a place like Iraq, with a whole lot of extremely deadly shit lying around and virtually no rules and regulations for abovementioned deadly shit, some Cartoonish Buffoonery is inevitable.
Check this out. These fuckin' guys, in a hairbrained scheme to get the brass shells from tank rounds to melt it down and sell it, decided to put hundreds of high-explosive tanks rounds into a roaring fire. I'm not going to elaborate on the exact nature of their injuries, but let's just say it was anything but pretty.
Three drunken Iraqis on a sidecar motorcycle tried to kill us with a handgun. We were armed with machine guns, among other things. (Note: Do not bring a pistol to a machinegun fight)
Once, we found what we thought was a dead body. We find dead bodies all the time, they're generally not a big deal in a place like this, but this one was right next to a vehicle checkpoint, and we didn't notice it for about an hour. A sergeant kicked the body gently to see if the man was alive, because we couldn't register a pulse or breathing, due to the corpse's immense fatness. The body made no response. The sergeant kicked him again, harder. Again, no response. The sergeant then proceeded to royally kick the fuck out of the body, with grandiose and looping football kicks. This time, the 'corpse' woke up and complained that he was so fucking drunk that he couldn't feel his legs, and that he was going back to sleep.
Last night, the Iraqis buried three rocket propelled grenades in the road-median in the center of a bustling marketplace. They told us they buried them, and showed us where. Maybe I'm expecting too much here, but I could imagine a thousand better places to bury a fucking RPG round.
We have an ongoing issue where religious leaders of one kind or another tell the masses that the Americans have XRAY night-vision goggles, or XRAY sunglasses, that we use to look through the billowing black robes of the Iraqi women. It would be funnier, except that this once instigated a crowd to become so unruly that shots were fired. The ensuing chaos was not funny at all. We always show the Iraqis our night-vision goggles so that they can see what we see, in order to counter this propaganda.
A few nights ago two men had a grenade fight on a bus.
Yes, you read that right. A fuckin grenade fight. My question is, how in the fuck can you win such a contest on a bus? Doesn't everyone die? Well, yes, most everyone died. The 'winner' of the grenade fight (the guy who got to throw TWO grenades) was missing an arm and most of his head, because the grenade went off about 1 second after he dropped the spoon.
God damn.
Then there's the Iraqi children. Here in Al Thawra, the average family has about 8 fucking kids, so there are literally swarms of children lurking everywhere. The shit these kids do is idiotic beyond words. First of all, the word they use to address all Americans is "Mister". So imagine a crowd of roughly 100 kids screaming "MISTER MISTER MISTER MISTER". Not only that, but they all ask "WHATS YOUR NAME", or say some kind of random nonsense, like "DONKEY SADDAM". The cacophony accompanying any group of children is enough to drive a man insane. Not only that, but they beg for everything under the sun, including water, MREs, candy, knives, money, and whatever.
The thing is, these kids are not starving, by any means. They are healthy children, by third-world country standards. I always see them walking around munching on candy and snacks, like any other children. They just really like Americans. They caper around, so any drive down any street is some kind of fucking half-ass circus, with children dancing around, yelling at us, shooting us the 'thumbs up', doing cartwheels, backflips, and all manner of frolicking.
One of them threw an onion at me and hit me in the fucking ear.
One day, a bunch of them were dragging MISSILES down the street. Fucking MISSILES. Like, high explosive missiles that fly through the air and blow the fuck up; they were dragging them down the goddamn fucking street.
We saw about a dozen of them drinking beer and staggering around, too. Most of these kids were like 9 years old. That was some funny ass shit. Especially when they began projectile-vomiting.
Oh, and let's not forget the child-rearing techniques of the Iraqi peoples, such as beaning your fucking kids with rocks if they do something wrong. I witnessed this hilarious bit of child abuse in An Najaf first, then here in Baghdad in abundance, where I grew used to, then to appreciate it's subtle beauty. Apparently, baseball sized stones are the Iraqi substitute for a paddle for prepubescent ass-whoopins.
And if the children of the ghettos are particularly irritating, you give a larger child a bit of candy or something to beat the shit out of the smaller children. Not only do you accomplish your goal of ridding yourself of the crowd of kiddie-winkies, but it provides for minutes of laughing pleasure as the kids careen about, knocking the fuck out of one another.
Then you have the hilarious shit the soldiers do.
Like dog-spearing.
You see, here at Camp Marlboro, we have a problem with big ass, mean, mangy dogs. We have like 30 of em prowling around at any given time. They spread disease, growl at people, and shit all over the fuckin place.
We can't really empty our magazines into packs of feral dogs, so we spear them. We use a big pipe with an AK-47 bayonet affixed to one end. We chase the dogs and thrust spears into their vital bits in order to kill them.
It's actually an improvement over the original method devised by the medics, which is to beat the dogs to death with axe handles. That took about a half-hour.
I tried to kill a cat by hitting it with my kevlar helmet, but it was pretty fast, and I ended up merely grazing it.
Some of the other fun things we do:
Tell Iraqi children fucked up things, such as:
"My name is Buttstroke Me" (at which point they run around saying "buttstroke me, buttstroke me", which is very funny)
"His name is Bitch" (at which point they call that soldier "bitch bitch")
Sometimes we just give them a plastic bag and have them clean up the huge piles of offal and garbage that lay stinking in the torrid Iraq sun. It's like emptying the ocean with a tablespoon, but what the fuck. It's something to do.
I could go on for days describing the cartoonish buffoonery, but I won't. I have to save something for another time, I suppose.
Yes, Baghdad is not all dead bodies and warfare, sometimes it's donkeys, children, and giggles.
Have fun, and enjoy America.
Mister M
Al Thawra, Baghdad, Iraq
Camp Marlboro
Fresh from today's e-mail....and, in a way, in direct rebuttal to THIS....I leave you with...
Everyday I give thanks to my God
that I got a dick and drink like a sod.
I like to play sports, I love to get naked,
Is it our fault that you girls have to fake it?
I own lots of tools and don't mind putting on weight,
when I get ready for a party, my ass is never late.
I can actually drive a car and even change a tire,
my ability to produce children will never expire.
When a male is born, it is clearly heaven-sent,
that's why a woman ain't never been president.
I can pee without squatting, I've slept in a tent,
women's fatal flaw is that they are subservient.
First and foremost, my looks don't govern my life,
When I gain a few pounds, I don't go under the knife.
I don't read the nutrition labels, I like red meat,
if any women objects, she can just take a seat.
I don't own a hairdryer,I brush my hair with my hands,
I am considered the better gender in the majority of lands.
I admittedly desire a mirror on my bedroom ceiling,
I don't go cry when someone hurts my feelings.
Listen to me girls, I need to tell you something right quick,
it pertains to lovemaking and my almighty dick
That thing that you guard like treasure,
Men realize its true purpose is for pleasure.
Right at home is where all women should stay,
Cuz men are the ones that make the real pay.
Just cuz you can speak with prim and proper diction,
Doesn't mean you belong outside of the kitchen!!
yeah, yeah....I know...let the beatings commence....sheesh...it's SATIRE on this site, folks....
"If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee."- - - Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill)
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it!".- - - Winston Churchill, in reply
"Do you mind if I smoke?"- - - Oscar Wilde (to Sarah Bernhardt)
"I don't care if you burn.".- - - Sarah Bernhardt, in reply
"You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease."- - - John Montague (to John Wilkes)
"That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."- - - John Wilkes, in reply
courtesy of Strange Cosmos
Fresh from the steaming morning e-mail....
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijonvu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted -- 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Fresh from the e-mail....a cautionary tale...which has a good point...
"One day a boy and an old man were walking through a village with their
donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went
along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well
kiss your ass good-bye."
OK....I just got this in the e-mail....heh..it kinda makes sense...
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
courtesy of Strange Cosmos..
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a Canadian,
using Bill Gates' technology,
and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,
that use Taiwanese-made chips,
and a Korean-made monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
trucked by Mexican illegal,
and finally sold to you.
That, my friend, is Globalization!
Sorry....these were just too good to pass up....heh...
Santa Pick Up Lines
#1: Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
#2: Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
#3: I've got something special in the sack for you!
#4: Ever make it with! a fat guy with a whip?
#5: I know when you've been bad or good... so let's skip the small talk!
#6: Some of my best toys run on batteries... (wink wink!!!)
#7: Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it.
#8: I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear.
#9: Screw the "NICE" list... I've got you on my "NAUGHTY" list, Babe!!!
#10: Wanna join the "Mile High Reindeer" club?
Found at Strange Cosmos..
Top 20 Ways to Confuse Santa
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
found over at Strange Cosmos...
I just got THIS in the e-mail....
>Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful , and Damn
>Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this
>description.
>
>Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over
>fifty-thousand messages and my inbox is jammed full. Thanks, anyway.
now...isn't that uplifting?....hehehe
For some reason, I've got these crazy old jokes bouncing around in my head right now....and...since things are always slow on the weekends, I guess I should share....
Q: How do you catch a Rabbit?
A: You hide in the bushes and make carrot noises...
Q: How do you catch a Polar Bear?
A: You go up to the Arctic...and cut a hole in the ice....and sprinkle peas around the edge of the hole....and when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole....
Q: How do you catch an Elephant?
A: You go to Africa...and you find a watering hole where Elephants drink...put up a sign that says "Watter for Elfants"....Elephants are very smart...so, when they come to the watering hole, they'll read the sign and start roll around on the ground laughing....now, when they are doing this, they are relatively harmless...so, you take a pair of binoculars, and look through them the wrong way...this will make the Elephants very small....so, while they are small, and rolling around on the ground, and harmless....you pick them up with a pair of tweezers and put them in a jar....
Yep...I know what you're thinking....and you are probably right...maybe sharing these wasn't such a good idea...heh.
Top Ten Reasons Saddam Surrendered Without a Fight!
10. MOLD IN SPIDER HOLE GIVING HIM TERRIBLE SINUS HEADACHE.
9. COALITION PROMISED TO LET HIM WATCH THE BEARS-VIKINGS GAME FROM HIS CELL.
8. HEARD A RUMOR THAT ALL WAS FORGIVEN.
7. RAN OUT OF CARB BLOCKER. AFRAID OF GAINING ALL THAT WEIGHT BACK.
6. TWO WORDS: INDOOR PLUMBING
5. WAS TOLD HIS SENTENCE WOULD BE COMMUTED TO COMMUNITY SERVICE IF HOWARD DEAN WINS IN 2004
4. AFRAID COALITION FORCES WOULD DIG UP HIS FAVORITE MASS GRAVE
3. CAN'T GET RUSH LIMBAUGH FROM TIKRIT
2. "F**k GEORGE W. BUSH!!! I'M STARVING."
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON SADAAM HUSSEIN GAVE UP WITHOUT A FIGHT:
HOPING TO MEET JIMMY CARTER!!!!!!!
Thanks to Strange Cosmos...
If you have a little time to kill...go and watch this guy spank his monkey...
It's HERE......heh...
I've heard this one before, and it get's me everytime....I really like the way that kid thinks...
"One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and aid, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes"
Stolen from Sisoflexx on a SUNDAY, no less...
"My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big friggin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!"
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake Recipe
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shz..sshz..damn
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
SOUTHERN PHRASES THAT WILL HELP YOU FIT IN IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH
1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
8. "Don't p*& down my back and tell me it's raining."
9. "He's as country as corn flakes."
10. "This is gooder'n grits."
11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
found at www.strangecosmos.com
Phil goes on vacation to Europe and leaves his favorite dog, Max, with his younger brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog, and asks: "So, James, how's my Max doing?"
James very tersely says, "Your dog is dead."
"What!?" says Phil, astonished. "You can't just tell someone that his favorite dog is dead without a warning! You have to ease him into it."
"How?" asks James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof," remarked Phil. "Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get her down, when she jumped off of the roof and broke her leg. Tell me the doctors say the dog will be okay, but it will have to stay at the vet's for a while. Are you getting all of this?"
"Yes," says James"
"Good," remarks Phil. "Then the next day, when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up, and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it?"
"Yes."
"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.
"Well," James replies, "She's on the roof...."
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.