Sunday Insult...

... speaking of the Rolling Stones... word up, people, I have an announcement.. I have discovered the source of Mick Jagger’s dance routine...

... I am… understandably.. slightly hesitant to share… but, I cannot keep this secret from you… after all, how many times have you looked on in horror as Mick funkified a stage.. and wondered what spastic retard he hired to teach him that crap?..

... well, this very morning, all was made clear… as is the way of a great epiphany, you never see it coming until it’s knocking at your door…. so, what is the source?…well, I cannot give you all of the gory details, but it is sufficient to say that at some point.. very early in his career… Mick Jagger cooked bacon while nude… it should be known forthwith and hereafter, that I cannot dance… being straight.. and white… I am accursed that way.. but, I have been informed, much to my dismay, that I can do a mean Mick impersonation while preparing brunch on a rainy Sunday…

Blogroll Update...

...further to my librarian blog, I am adding Maura from Besmirched to my list of links..... she's a biologist... not a librarian.. but, that's close enough for me... as far as Biologists are concerned, she's got it goin' on.... plus, she's a dog lover, enjoys Lynyrd Skynyrd, and thinks Michael Jackson is crazy.. heh, she's got my vote....

Nashville Librarians..

... for those of you who have read my site for a while... you will remember that I have a certain soft spot for librarians... I don't know where I get it from.. but, that whole hair-up, ponytail, skirt, and eye-glasses... just really gets me going.. so, I thought I would just clue you guys in... I had a few minutes to spare this morning... so, what did I do while in beautiful Nashville?... stroll up Broadway?... visit the Charlie Daniels Museum?.... nope.. none of the above... what DID I do?.. why, cruise over to the Nashville Public Library, of course... after all, the quality of a City can be read by the cuteness of their librarians.... and, I must tell ya... I have not been disappointed... and, she's a brunette.. life is good, people....

Gang Awa Tae Nashville..

...well, I'm heading out to Nashville... the Wife has got some business to attend to there... so, if anyone needs me, I will be in the bar at the Mariott on 4th Avenue North... Nashville, Tennessee... I'll be the guy slumped over an overpriced glass of single malt...

..in my absence, anyone who feels froggy enough... and has keys to the blog... feel free to spew your incessant drivel till I get back...

...gotsta go now, children... play nice... Daddy will miss you...

Walk on the Wild Side..

.... I plan on retiring to Alaska... why?... well, it's still pretty wild up there... one of my Buds lives just outside Anchorage, and he's had Brown Bears walk through his back yard... that's just awesome... I want to live in a place were there are things in your back yard that can (and will) kill and eat you if they get the chance... I just love the idea of that....

..I would retire to Florida.. but, it's too damn hot down there.. although, according to this story, they do meet my qualifications....

A nearly 10-foot-long alligator bit a woman on the leg and arm and dragged her into a Sanibel lake Wednesday evening as she was gardening near the bank behind her home, Sanibel police said.

..see what I mean?... talk about adding a little excitement to your silver years.. heh...

Results and Hits...

..for those of you retards who are interested, I managed to not only survive last night's poolfest, but I actually kicked some ass.. when one reaches the right balance of music and Scotch, the Meucci wand does, indeed, produce magic...

...oh, and go read Velocigod... now... do it, children.. you won't be sorry... trust Uncle Eric... go now... but, be careful... a word of advice... no matter how much he begs, don't sit in his lap....

Weekly Pooltable Blog...

...damn, people... this is becoming a weekly ordeal... every Wednesday, I post about shooting pool... ahh, well... after last week, and the total asskicking I received, this week HAS to be better... on the upside, more desensitization to the Flea's effects has been performed this week.. so, that might help.... it certainly didn't last week... but, hope springs eternal, children...

... on the downside?... my arch nemesis, Steve, just went and got contact lenses.. the bastard.... his first prescription renewal in 9 YEARS... which means, basically, I have been getting my ass stomped by a friggin BLIND MAN for the past year... and NOW, he has 20/20 vision... I'm in for it, I can already tell... still, it IS my house... so, if it gets too damn bad, I'll just pull an Eric Cartman on their asses.... "Screw you guys, you're going home"... or something like that.... heh... so, with disaster on the horizon... I leave you with the Mother Of All Pre-Battle Speeches....

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

...sometimes, Ladies and Gentlemen, it takes a little Henry V to motivate the soul....

Shipwrecked...

...well, how about this... heh... stranded on a desert island with such a fine group of people.... color me honored... only one worrying thing though... as with the crew of the Bounty... leaving a group of men like that alone with a group of women of that caliber... the result after 20 years of isolation would be fodder for an X-Files episode... in any case, I'm willing to give it a try... just show me to the boat, people...

Reader Request...

...well, children... today has been a long day... a flight out to Middle Tennessee and back was... an adventure.... for those of you not in Tennessee right now, it is friggin WINDY!.... WHOO HOOO!... Magic Carpet Ride, indeed... man, I just love turbulence.. absolutely one of the coolest things around.... anyway, enough of that crap, I'll post more on today's escapades later.... a fellow netizen has asked me to link to their "Political Quiz"... well, I took it, and I'm sad to say that I am an Evil Commie Sympathizer Evil Archconservative... heh.. who'd a thunk it?...

...so, run along over to Don Hagen's place, and find out where you fit in the giant political scheme of things... it's worth a shot, and it's a good laugh...

Talking of Billboards...

...after telling my little story about how much that billboard pissed me off... I had an idea... so, I scoured the net looking for some billboards... so, here, my gentle ones, check out what I found for your enjoyment...

...and... just for you wonderful Women readers out there....

Ice Cream...

... gone are the days of quiet summer afternoons... hearing the gentle lilt of music coming from an approaching Ice Cream Van... where the children rush out to meet the sweet natured old man who drove through your neighborhood every day.... now, we get this...

"NEW YORK April 20 — A man who allegedly beat two competitors with a wrench in an attempt to take over their ice cream truck route was indicted Monday, prosecutors said.

Fernando Esparza, 51, was charged with attempted murder, assault and criminal possession of a weapon a large plumber's wrench in the March 27 attack on competitors Juana and Luis Marrero, Bronx District Attorney Robert Johnson said."

..charming..

Just off I-75....

...as I was on my way to Nashville yesterday, I pulled off I-75 at the Lenoir City exit.. I had felt the need for a chili-cheese pup from the Krystal there, as you do....

...well, I'm sitting there waiting for traffic to clear so I can cross the road, when I suddenly notice a huge billboard... with two lonely, but highly offensive words on it...

"SMOKERS STINK"

..right there.. on the side of the I-75... what a load of shit... I immediately yelled, "BITE ME, you Bastard!"... to which, my Mother... who was sitting in the passenger seat watching traffic.. said... "Pardon!?", in quite a genteel Southern Lady kinda way...... "Just look at that billboard.." I said.... "Who in the hell do these people think they are?"... She grinned, and replied... "Well, people who smoke DO have a different smell about them..."..... "Well, Mom.. there IS a difference... I mean... what if I put up a billboard that said something like... 'Chocolate Milk Drinkers are Ugly'... eh, what would you think about that?"

... anyway, you get the point... opinions are opinions... and, billboards should be used to advertise the location of the nearest McDonalds... and NOT to voice some closet Nazi's opinions...

...when I finally arrived at the Krystal, I couldn't even enjoy my Chili-cheese Pup... damn, I was mad....

...I am seriously thinking of renting the billboard next to it.. and posting my own message... but, I am torn between... "BITE Me"... "SHUT UP"... and, "Come over HERE and say that, you pathetic little Nazi..."

...I mean, c'mon.. how much could it cost to rent that billboard?... of course, if I DID put up a billboard saying something like.. "Hippies Smell", I'd be run out of town on a rail, I suppose... but, it is ok for those same smelly Hippies to tell Me that I STINK?... fuck them... cowardly little bastards...

Hot Tamales...

...well, I saw this... and, I just HAD to put it up here... after all, isn't this site where you expect to find juicy tidbits such as this?... heh...

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - A Mexican cook killed his drinking buddy, cut up his body and boiled him in herbs, according to police who fear he may have been turning him into tamales.

...incidentally, this is precisely the reason that I have never gone on a boozer with a Mexican chef... one can never be too careful these days....

Alright, You guys try..

...since Harvey thinks that my idea for raising money sucks, I think it is time for something different... and, with that in mind, I will leave it to you, dear readers, to come up with an idea... so, what would it take from ole SWG to get you people to open up your musty old wallets?... hmmm?.... more scar photos?... a mp3 of a Robert Service recitation?.... a confessional post about that night at the Raymond Revue Bar in London's Soho?.... perhaps a custom post on the topic of your choosing?.... c'mon... since my idea was so shitty, YOU people tell me what you want...

...and, Velociman, you sick fucker, nothing involving harnesses or lubrication...

Donations 2..

...as the battle wages, a city and a civilization are being rebuilt... as people die in battle, so are bonds of friendship and cooperation being formed... help the Marines help the people of Fallujah...

donatebutton.jpg

..and, as a little added incentive to all of you... if I have at least ..three five people donate three five dollars or more, I will answer five three questions from each donator... as long as you sneaky people can prove you donated.... so... out with it... wanna know the secret of life?... wanna know what I had for dinner?... donate, and then spill it, people... you ask, Eric answers.... and, if you don't want to ask a question, but still want to donate, that's cool...

Dayum...

.... this is funny.... I'm sorry.. I really am... but, I have to admit that I laughed out loud...

"He was a big boy and obviously aroused," Alsop told the Sun newspaper on Thursday.

"He sidled up against us. The next thing I know he's banging away at the car and it's rocking like hell."

Donations...

...the fearless leader of the Fighting Fusiliers of Freedom, John of Argghhh, has called me to action... and, I am proud to serve... dig deep, people... it's for a good cause.... help our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines win through to absolute Victory in Iraq... they are there, after all, to ensure we continue to live in peace and freedom... so, run along... and, thank you...

donatebutton.jpg

Random Violence...

... I am a peaceable fellow.... not really prone to violence... but, I can totally relate to this gentleman.... I once, in an alcohol fueled fit of rage, attempted to bladerunner a fellow jarhead... nasty business... but, the movie is a bust.. eyes are a LOT harder to rip from someone's grape than they depicted in the film... what a let down....

... all in all, tis better to live your life having not lost any body parts... even if it was just a nibble... for this reason, I refuse to get that piercing I've been contemplating... is the doughnut whole without it's center?.. I think not, friends... so, with that said, there will be no market for SWG Doughnut Holes... I shall die, dear friends, with all my bits.... I hope....

Punctuation...

...somehow, I have a feeling that this lady would have a friggin' stroke if she ever read my site.....

WTF?...

...what kind of sick bastards are they growing out in Montana?...

...this kind, evidently...

...arm yourselves, people... the world is full of psychos..

Had Therapy?...

...hmmm... this article sure is an interesting morning read.... I guess getting inside someone's mind.. getting that "close" to someone... is kinda erotic... heh... word up, people... "sharing" is sexy...

"One survey found that 87 percent of psychotherapists (95 percent of men and 76 percent of women) admitted sexual attraction to clients "on occasion."

"The rest are lying. It's 100 percent," said Dr. Glen Gabbard, a Houston psychiatrist who wrote "The Psychology of the Sopranos" and treats therapists who have sex with patients. "

New Favorite...

...well, I'm just sitting here trying to digest the excellent Veal Parmesan I had this evening... and, as usual... I'm listening to music, drinking Scotch, and reading blogs... but, what the hell, I'm in a sharing mood... the song I just listened to is worth letting you children in on.... so, I give you this... heh.... I'm sure that most of you, like I, have been here before.... enjoy.... oh, and this time, I'm including the lyrics.. so you can sing along, of course... so, take those cigarettes out of your mouths... charge up the lungs... and get to singing....

..written by Warren Zevon in 1987..

If you're all alone
And you need someone
Call me up
And I'll come running
Reconsider me
Reconsider me

If it's still the past
That makes you doubt
Darlin', that was then
And this is now
Reconsider me
Reconsider me

And I'll never make you sad again
Cause I swear that I've changed since then
And I promise that I'll never make you cry

Let's let bygones
Be forgotten
Reconsider me
Reconsider me

You can go and be
What you want to be
And it'll be alright
If we disagree
I'm the one who cares
And I hope you'll see
That I'm the one who loves you
Reconsider me

Let's let bygones
Be forgotten
Reconsider me
Reconsider me

And I'll never make you sad again
'Cause I swear I've changed since then
And I'll never make you sorry if you'll try
And I'll never make you sad again
'Cause I swear that I've changed since then
And I promise that I'll never make you cry

The Blogroll...

...Spring cleaning, people.... I updated my blogroll today.. so, if you fell off, please complain, and I will rectify... if you have linked me, and I haven't found you yet.. once again, complain, and I will rectify... if you aren't on there, and feel that you SHOULD be on there because you blog is so fucking terrific... you know the drill... complain, and I will rectify...

...after all, we're all about rectifying here at SWG....

Uh oh....

...shit... I knew that taking this test was gonna... uh.. reveal... a bit more than it should... but, what the hell... you only live once, people.... so, which Betty Page am I?.... heh...


You're Nude Bettie. People see you as outgoing and
maybe a bit wild. Your often hyper and always
up for some crazy fun!


Which Bettie Page Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

.. yeah, I know I posted two quizzes back to back... so what?...

Friday Quiz..

....courtesy of the Closet Extremist.....

statler jpeg
You are Statler or Waldorf.
You have a high opinion of yourself, as do others.
But only because you are in the balcony seats.

ALSO KNOWN AS:
Those two old guys in the box.
SPECIAL TALENTS:
Heckling, complaining, being cantankerous

QUOTE:
"Get off the stage, you bum!"

LAST BOOKS READ:
"The Art of Insult" and "How To
Insult Art"

NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT:
Their pacemakers.


What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

...heh.... color me happy....

Update....

...go and check out Jake... he's killer.. but, remember, dear readers... be gentle... he's fresh from the blog-egg... hatched just yesterday.... so, even IF he only has one post up, he's up on his legs... get over there and visit... AND, he thinks I am "twiested"... whateverthehellthatis.... I dunno, personally.... but, it sounds preeeeeety damn kinky... enjoy, folks.... and have a good laugh... he's new, and he's gonna be hilarious.... hat tip to Big Stupid Tommy for the head's-up.....

Swinging...

...in my "About Me" page, I mention that I have enjoyed, on occasion, a skinny dip or two... usually at some local river or lake... sometimes, even in a swimming pool.... well, this morning, I read THIS... and, I have to tell you... it's a bit depressing... I hope that when I am 60 years old... I still have the ability to swing naked from a riverside rope... while accompanied by a female doing the same thing...

Another reason I carry...

.... check this out.... an absolute lunatic... just another reason I carry, people... man, the world is FULL of crazy bastards.... and, you'd better be prepared to defend yourself....

A Protest...

....PETA should take a card from this woman's playbook... if you are gonna protest something.. and you are remotely attractive... then, don't hold signs and chant... the LEAST you can do is to be entertaining while you're protesting.... what the World needs is more nekkid protesters...

Time for Watching....

...dammit, people.. what the HELL are you doing here?.. Band of Brothers is on the History Channel.... get off here, and go read....

...that is all...

...G'night.... you bastards......

Getting Old...

...well, hell... we've talked about Pandas and Otters already in the past few days, so why not talk about that damn mouse from CNN....

...136 years old... wow... engineered to live longer.... sorry folks, but I don't like where that is heading... pretty soon, they are gonna try that stuff on us... I don't think I WANT to live to be a 100... a nice, quiet 75 would be just fine with me...

..but, I do have to hand it to the writer of the article... I mean, just check out this sentence.....

"Yoda's cage mate, Princess Leia, is a much larger female who uses her body warmth to keep the dwarf mouse from freezing to death. "

..now that is just strange, man..... 136 years old... and only surviving because a big fat lady rat keeps him "warm".... poor mouse....

Prepare to be Boarded...

...BWHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA.....

""I don't think I've ever rowed harder in my entire life as I did trying to escape the otter -- that devilish creature had already attacked Scott and now it was coming back for more," said Noah Riner '06, who was in the second varsity eight at the time of the incident."

..hmmm... maybe if instead of "pushing" it back into the water with the oar, they'd have given it an almighty WHACK, it would have left them alone... but, I must report that no otters were harmed in the writing of this post....

Update: SWG does not condone randomly beating otters with oars... BUT, if one tries to bite me, I'm gonna thump it, rest assured....

Belgians....

....sorry, folks... but, I laughed out LOUD about this one..... the Belgians and Norwegians are getting seriously fucked... and, the way it sounds, not totally against their will.... mmmm.. Estonian Hookers.... sorry, folks, supply and demand, baby... supply and demand....

"Prostitutes take $35 an hour from Lithuanian citizens, while NATO troops are asked to pay $125 an hour," he said, calling it a clear case of discrimination. Prostitution is illegal in the country of 3.5 million residents. "

..yep... a clear cut case of discrimination... the bastards.... don't they know those Belgians are there to HELP?.... heh... then again.. maybe Belgians have enormous shortarms.. thus, the gross overcharge for the trouble... but, on the other hand, maybe they are just suckers....

Courtesy...

....there ain't enough of it around anymore... so, thanks to Big Stupid Tommy for reminding us.... with this little story from Middle Tennessee... that, chivalry lives..

Quote of the Day...

....today's quote comes from this article... an interesting little book review, if you care to have a read....

"Though sophisticated and highly trained, when they were faced with the prospect of discussing the history of masturbation with the students, many of them blanched. Coprophagia wouldn't have fazed them at all, sodomy wouldn't have slowed them down, incest would have actively interested them—but masturbation: please, anything but that."

Quiz Time...

I just found this over at Lawren's place.... heh...

Take the quiz: "Which American City Are You?"

Memphis
Belt Buckles and Boots. You'll give a hoot and hollar but you 'll never give up your core values.

I'm gonna Kill it...

...you know what?.. I've been sitting here for half an hour reading blogs.... and, the whole damn time, this little moth is flying around my room.... I can't take my eyes off the little bastard.... it goes to the window... it goes for the monitor.. it divebombs my feet... I suspect it is trying to sneak into my Scotch.... and, every time it gets near, I leap to cover my glass to keep it from stealing any of the Amber Nectar.... this shit is getting old.... time to die, mothboy... hang on a second....

...heh... he was easy... deadsky meatsky.. but, you know what?... I don't feel remorse... I feel quite happy... nature must have hardwired us to want to kill moths.... to need to kill moths... after all, they fly in such a retarded hap-hazard way... zigging here, and zagging there... hell, moths give flying a bad name.... now, mind you, if it had been a big ole green Luna Moth or something, I'd have let it go... but, being a small, grayish looking varmint, it stood no chance against the mighty Straight White Guy's Hand-O-Death.... still, there must be divine implications in this blog... to smite, or not to smite, I suppose.... big and green?.. you survive.... small and gray?... the smackdown awaiteth...

...but... sitting here now, I suppose that my deed does not bode well for my future... for, as surely as I have crushed the insignificant gray moth... on someone's list, I most likely am not a Luna... still.... there is no point in waxing philosophical about all this... after all, it was irritating me... so, fate demanded that it must perish by the smackdown... mourn not for the moth... it is the way of things.... heh.. ask not for whom the bell tolls, baby.... it tolls for thee....

A Sad Day...

...what is this world coming to?.... evidently, this would have been a crime even behind closed doors... man, that is just depressing....

"NEWPORT NEWS - A Newport News woman charged with a felony for receiving oral sex in a car is challenging a state law that prohibits certain types of sex between consenting adults.

A police officer says he found the 21-year-old woman in a parked car receiving oral sex from a man about 3 a.m. Jan. 29. Both were charged with a felony under the statute for crimes against nature. "

A Question..

.... something has been bothering me about all this bloggin' business.... way back in the day... when I got my first link from Acidman, it was told it was an "Acidbath"... much like an Instalanche, only cooler and more prestegious... so, I have some questions for some of my blogbuddy heroes.. and, mainly, that is.... what do you call - correctly - a link from you bastards?

...for instance.. when Velociman links me, and I get hits galore... what is the term?... have I been Veliciman'd?... have I been Velociffied?... what?....

...and, Matt O' Blackfive... once again hits all over the place when linked.... so, what the hell, man?.... is it Blackfived?.... is it a Blackfive-a-lanche?....

...oh, and John of Argghhh... what in the HELL do you call it?... you have GOTTA come up with a name for the links you send.... have I been "ARGGHHH'ed"?....

...so, c'mon, bigdogs.. out with it.... if Rob gives an Acidbath, what do y'all serve up?

Last Zevonorgy...

...I promise.... well.... maybe promise is too strong of a word.... this week... yeah, maybe that is more fitting.... anyway, Mr. Bad Example requested some more Zevon songs.... two of which are personal favorites of mine... ahhh *sigh*... the times that I have imagined myself walking into a gin-joint in Mombasa armed with a fedora, a pink carnation, and a Thompson Gun...

...oops.. sorry, where was I?.... drinking gin, no doubt.... anyway, here are Harvey's requests.... so, Ladies and Gentlemen... here you go....

....Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner...

....Excitable Boy....

....and, just because LeeAnn is such a babe, this one is for her....

....Werewolves of London... you rock on, LeeAnn...

...now, go away... time for Scotch, Lasagne, and Discovery Channel.... so entertain yourselves while I'm away... and, don't stain the carpet....

Extinction....

...I'm sorry, people... but, I've just gotta get this off my chest... Giant Pandas deserve to die... I'm sorry, but it is the truth.. I don't want to come across as cold hearted... I mean... yeah, sure.. .they are sweet looking... kinda cute... but, there is more to life than sitting around in a zoo looking cute... here are two things that I have found out about Giant Pandas lately...

..according to Tennessee Ruck, Giant Pandas are so damn lazy that they won't even get up to take a crap... that's just wrong...

..secondly, I just found this article... and people, any animal... ANY animal that has no interest in making whoopee... well... it's just a waste of friggin' space...

..so, in summation, any animal that (a.) rolls arond in thier own shit because of an attitude problem, and (b.) can't even be bothered to get off with a hot'n'sexy female Giant Panda... well, they don't deserve our tears, gentle readers...

Sweet Lawd....

...I am number friggin ONE on the google search for .... *wait for it*..... "PERT JIGGLING BOOBIES"... damn, I am so proud I could just fucking bust.... eat your heart out, Harvey.....

Expand your Vocabulary..

....I remember the first time I landed at the airport in Glasgow... Prestwick.. I immediately headed for the bar - as you do.... upon arriving, an elderly gentleman noticed my USMC uniform, and walked up... he said something to me totally unintelligble... smacked me on back, and bought me a beer... he musta talked to me for 15 minutes.... I never understood a word he said... I just smiled, nodded, and drank my beer.. he never quit talking though.. but, bought me another beer, slapped me on the back about 5 times during the conversation... and, the only word I actually understood was "Texas"... I guess that goes to show you how much some of the Scots appreciated and remembered either the Alamo, or our presence during WWII.. in any case, I gradually came to understand some of the local dialects.... I've got Glaswegian down... Aberdonian down.... although, Dundonian will forever be a language of mystery.... so, once again, in honor of Tartan Day... here are some handy Scots words and phrases for you to ruminate over... hell, maybe even throw them into your next conversation to add a little Caledonian Spice....

Blether: to speak indistinctly; to talk nonsense; to prattle on....
...usage: "He wouldnae shut up! He just kept blethering!"

Blatherskite: a babbler; a foolish talker....
...usage: "What a blatherskite... someone should smack'im"...

Glaikit: senseless; silly; giddy... pronounced "glay-kit"
...usage: "Yep, he sat there through the whole debate with a glaikit look on his face...and, the other guy was a keechie blatherskite"....

Keech: dirt, shit, to void yourself of excrement.... pronounced Key-kkhh
...usage: "What a load of keech... politicians have keech for brains"..

Footer: to bungle; to work hastily, unskillfully and in a manner that calls for contempt...
...usage: "Stop footering about, and write a REAL blog entry, you bastard!"

Foost: anything useless or needless; a dirty fellow, one who breaks wind
...usage: (directly from the Straight White Wife, "My husband is foosty")... actually, she's sitting on the couch reading these to me from a Scots dictionary... and, I think she's blatherskiting..

....so, y'all have a good night, Happy Tartan Day.... and, wipe that glaikit look off your fizzogs...

Scots Quotes...

...further to the theme of Tartan Day... here are some fine examples of the Scottish wit... of which, the Straight White House has been lacking as of late.... so, in further celebration of everything Scottish, I raise my glass to you all...

"There is nothing the Scots like better to hear than abuse of the English"
Pope Pius II (1405-1464) after a visit to Scotland in 1435.... (heh... things haven't changed much over the years...)

"There are few more impressive sights in the World than a Scotsman on the make."
J. M Barrie (1860-1937)

"A typical Scot has bad teeth, a good chance of cancer, a liver under severe stress, and a heart-attack pending. He smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, and regularly makes an exhibition of himself"
Alan Bold (1943-)

"There is something in Burns for every moment of a man's life, good days and bad."
H.V. Morton (1892-1979)

"Rab C. Nesbitt: Know the best thing yi can say about Rothesay? At least it isnae Dunoon. What a gaff that is, by the way. All the atmosphere of the interior of a wardrobe. Built for the nuclear age. Only toon in the hemisphere to have achieved total meltdown of the human spirit. Even saying the name makes yi feel as if its started drizzling on the roof of your mouth. Dun-oon!"
Ian Pattison (1950-)

"Equality is the soul of Liberty; there is, in fact, no Liberty without it"
Frances Wright (1795-1852)

"There are two things a Highlander likes naked, and one of them is Malt Whiskey"
F. Marian McNeill (1885-1973)

Tartan Day...

...alright... all you Scots, and people of Scots heritage... get over to Absinthe and Cookies and have a look around... today is Tartan Day... a holiday which honors the signing of the Declaration of Arbroath on April 6th, 1320... a document which has shaped many political thinkers... even still to this day, it is recognized as one of the first "Declarations of Independence".... more importantly, it shows a kernel of the idea that... you owe your allegiance and loyalty to your COUNTRY... instead of your Master....

"For as long as but a hundred of us remain alive, never will we on any conditions be brought under English rule. It is not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom — for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself."

..Scotland is a small nation.. but, it's impact on the history of the World... the vibrant creativity of her citizens... and the gift of Single Malt Whiskey to all of us... is a debt that we shall never fully repay....

...Sláinte...

...oh, and I almost forgot.. here is a list of everyone who is participating... a fine looking crowd, if ya ask me...

Absinthe & Cookies
Ninjababe's Ramble
Jen Speaks
Frozen In Montreal
Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love
Grim's Hall
Miss Apropos
Jackalope Pursuivant
Accidental Verbosity
Right Wingin-It
Drowning at 2 Feet Sea Level
Straight White Guy
Hard Times
TacJammer
BabyTrollBlog
Triticale
Laughing Wolf
Da Goddess
ChristWeb
Mudville Gazette
I Love Jet Noise
Sekimori.org - Live Blog
Swanky Conservative
Arguing With Signposts
G'day Mate
Sketches of Strain

Hot Dayum....

..Ladies and Gentlemen... Damen and Herren.... I am #7 on the AOLSEARCH for "Ladies Caboose"....WHOOO HOOOO!....

...sorry.. I just thought y'all might like to know... oh, and while I'm at it... the post it is referring to?..... well, it has one of my favorite comments attached... FAVORITE comments, gentle readers... by none other than the beautiful and talented Ms. Juliette... one of my very first linkers..... what did she say to that infamous post?.... pure poetry.... genius.... classic, friends.....

Darling Juliette.... do you remember?.... harumph.... probably not... but, AOLSEARCH does...... so, with all thanks to Time Warner for reminding me.... the comment was... and, in her usual cut to the bone way.... a more true comment was never made...

"It's always about the booty"...

..true, friends.... true.. it IS always about the booty... we may not admit it... but, it is...

What I'm Hearing..

...ever wonder what is going on in the blogroom here?.... no?... yeah, that's what I figured.... bastards... anyway... I'm listening to some more Zevon.. and, since Harvey wanted to sample some more of his penultimate collection... here goes...

"I was in the house when the house burned down"....

"For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer"....

and, the incredible...

"Dirty Little Religion"...

...that's it, kiddies... that's all for tonight... but, stay tuned tomorrow for another post of requests... most notably "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"... and "Excitable Boy".... two more classic Zevon experiments....

Free Enterprise....

...once again... young dreams are quashed by THE MAN.... young, budding entrepreneurs stifled... on the very cusp of turning a profit... what IS this world coming to?...

"Two 15-year-old boys were ordered Tuesday to pick up trash for the next five Saturdays for selling 18 pornographic DVDs for $10 each at St. Xavier High School. "

...and....

The boys told the magistrate they "wanted to make some easy money," and apologized for what they did.

Blogger Sins....

...time for some linky love...

...just a few appalling confessions I've found today..

...the indomitable Key Monroe has scored a new low.. as you all know, I pride myself on my creative loafing abilities.. true laziness is an art... but, if you wanna talk sloth, she takes first prize...

...I have it on good authority that ole Jimbo of Parkway Rest Stop has been... how can I put this, Brothers and Sisters?... it's almost too horrible to mention... he's been GAMBLING!!...

...Agatha is overcome with LUST... pure and simple... the girl is a menace!!.. hide the chaise lounge... quick!

...Dax Montana... what can I say?... THIEVING again... pilfering a prized artifact... oh, the SHAME....

...the gloriously decadent Everlasting Phelps is telling LIES... LIES, I tell you... repent now, you fool, before it's too late!!....

...and lastly... Brothers and Sisters.... to all who are gathered here today.... I give you The Comment Party at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon..... sin by the bucket loads... quite literally.... a more lustful environment has never been created in all of cyberspace...

...now that you all have been warned of the evil, corruption, and moral degradation that exists in the blogosphere.... close down your internet connections immediately!... before it is too LATE!... I'm in too deep, but you can still save yourselves!!

Blogging Drunk..

..you ever wake up in the morning and look at your blog?... see the insanity of the past night of drunken blogging?.. and think to yourself...in a quiet still voice of soberness...

"HOLY SHIT! I gotta delete this post right NOW before my two readers show up!"

...so... you happily delete the offending post.. you know... the one where you told the story about the time you got caught diddling the Preacher's daughter down at the lake the time you got really, REALLY drunk... and, you are quite sure that no one saw the post... so, you commence the morning cruise of the blogroll.... only to find you left comments on other sites that consisted of highly intelligent one-word bits... such as..... "DANG!" ... "WOW"..... and, the ubiquitous... "Yep"...

..blogging drunk isn't always fun.. but, damn... it sure as hell provides for some interesting morning reading..

El Cajon?..

... an 88 year old man... diagnosed with a brain tumor... does this..... wow... I suppose that's one way to do it... but, what takes more Cajones?... to stay and fight the illness... or jump?....

"Joseph Harold Frost took off his safety belt at 300 to 400 feet, stood up in the open cockpit of the two-seat biplane and went over the side Monday.

The pilot tried but failed to wrestle him back into the plane and nose the aircraft upward to force Frost back into his seat.

"I think that was Dad's idea, to go out in a flash of glory," said Robert Frost, who had helped his father arrange the chartered flight on a biplane similar to the ones the elder Frost flew in World War II."

A Working Stiff...

...hmmm... things to do in London when you're Dead.... always wanted to be on the stage?... but, had no talent?... well, never fear! ... now is your chance to be on the London stage! ...requirements? talents?... nahh... just show up dead, and you're a shoe-in...

"LONDON (Reuters) - Two performance artists are searching for a corpse for their newest production -- and have put the word out at hospices in hope of a volunteer.

The group, called 1157performancegroup, said it was trying to demystify the issues surrounding death with its new London production, "Dead...You Will Be"

Romanian Hummers..

...gotta love those Romanians... they do seem to demand quality... after all, if you pay for it, the last thing you expect is dawdling service...

"A Romanian man lodged an official complaint with consumer protection officials after accusing a prostitute of "not doing her best"."

Red in Greenland..

...I'm a big fan of Art... music, writing, painting, poetry... all of it... the idea that some people have the ability to do these things is amazing.. expressing yourself with words... paint... or a musical instrument... I can't get enough of it... I understand as well that being surreal and avante-garde is what drives some artists... but this?... I'm afraid that it... as a work of art... is a bit over my head... I just don't get it.... then again, I've never blended goldfish either....

"COPENHAGEN, Denmark (AP) -- An artist with 780 gallons of red dye, three fire hoses and a 20-member crew at his disposal went to Greenland in search of a blank canvas large enough to accommodate his creative impulse.

The result is a blood-red iceberg now sitting off the country's western coast."

...best line of the article?... it's a tie between these two...

"The fjord is filled with hundreds of icebergs -- previously all of them white."

...and

"He invited guests to turn the devices on and someone did, grinding up a pair of goldfish."

Toon-licious...

...this is totally wrong... and, anyone who has ever lusted after Jessica Rabbit can attest to it... Marge?.... gimme a break... I can think of a whole host of toonbabes who are better.... Ariel... Belle... they were BOTH hotter than Marge.. anyway, it really doesn't matter.. but, whoever chose that mag cover needs professional help....

"Marge strikes a provocative pose in a see through, low-cut dress while scrubbing the floor.

She's also featured on the inside pages with her blue hair down as she waits for Homer in bed.

Maxim editor-in-chief, Keith Blanchard said: "She's the sexiest mama in all of toon town, especially that sexy voice - arrghh!""

...please... someone... lock up Mr. Blanchard immediately... he's liable to hurt someone.... although... that "scrubbing the floor" pose... it DOES sound pretty hot...

Mary of the Sea...

...Spanish Sailors... wow... Mary of the Sea... wow... Maria del Mar... ok....

Smokers Up!

... further to the old addage "eat healthy - die anyway".... we now have some lovely scientists who are telling us... wait for it... "stop smoking - die anyway".... heh.. Nicotine has it's benefits, it seems... you may die of lung cancer, but at least you won't get Alzheimers... see? ...life is all about balances...

Firsts...

....I've seen these things going around lately... first music.... etc... hey, we're all kinds'a'down with that here at SWG.... I remember my first music purchase vividly.... I went to the local K-mart, and purchased two tapes with my OWN money... what did I choose?...

...ZZ Top - Eliminator.... a classic of gigantic proportions....

..and...

...Prince - 1999.... hey, I was 12, gimme a damn break....sheesh... and, if it is any consolation, I still have that ZZ Top tape...

What the Fuck?

...ok... what the hell is going on with these two stories?... just think, when I retire, these "children" are going to be my Senators and Congressmen.. now, isn't that a charming little thought....

4 Year old takes Crack to school...

5 Year old with Weed at school...

...sometimes facts are stranger than fiction... and, some mornings when you get up and read the news, you wonder why the hell you even got up....

Wednesday Night...

..yep, that's right Ladies and Gentlemen... not much blogging tonight... weekly poolfest/grubfest/boozefest at the SWG House... after last week's thumping, Steve is out for blood... and, he's told me as much today... so, a Battle Royale is expected this afternoon... I'll post the resuts, as usual, when I sober up...

Nabbed...

...a Colorado man has been caught trying to board an airplane in Boston... with a severed head in his luggage.... now, folks, you gotta admit, that is an eyecatching first sentence.... heh..

MUAHAHAHAH..

... I can't wait for THIS to open.... man, I'm gonna be Romania bound...

"The headless body of Vlad Tepes, the real-life 15th-century Wallachian prince notorious for impaling his Ottoman prisoners, is believed to be buried at a monastery in the middle of Snagov Lake, near the planned theme park.

Vlad is thought to have been born in Sighisoara around 1431 to Vlad Dracul or Dragon. The young Vlad was named Dracula -- meaning son of Dracul -- by his father. In Romanian, the word also means the devil"

ahhh.. seeeeng to me, Cheeeeldrennn uv da Niiight....

SWG News...

... congrats (and not much else) goes out to Geoffrey of Dog Snot... who was my 1500th commenter.... and someone who arrived here via James of Parkway Rest Stop... my 25,000th confused visitor... so, I now officially owe each of you a large Scotch and Water... thanks, guys...

Real Guts...

...heh.. personally, I don't know...*a'hem*... but, it seems to me that.... in the male psyche... penis size is often matched by self-confidence... got a big dick? well, look at Mr. GQ... sausage the size of a baby's arm?... you go, Studly.... here comes Mr. Tripod?... watch the wimmen swoon....

...words such as.... "oh, yes, he's very popular".... and, "he just oozes charisma"... are often followed by... "and he's hung like a moose"....

...yeah, whatthehellever... I knew it was bound to happen... and, it looks like it finally has... yep.... you guessed it... someone with a tiny pecker AND the courage to TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT....

...so, let that just be an example to you... don't mess with the little guy... heh... he's mad as hell, and he ain't gonna take it any more...

Randomly Fated Jack..

...Jack O' Random Fate has his interview up at Jennifer's..... go now and suckle at the teat of knowledge, children... heh... which distillery in Scotland you gonna be at in October, Jack?... hell, maybe I'll join ya....

Public Service Announcement..

....may I have your attention, please....

...good... thanks... here it is...

...that is all....

Sentence of the Day..

...wow... today's favorite sentence comes from this post....

"A man has become a tourist attraction in the Dominican Republic after admitting himself to hospital with an erection that had lasted six days."

Bud Abbott...

...I KNEW there was a reason that I loved those Abbott and Costello movies... hell, me and ole Bud, we were kindred spirits....

Yeah... This will work..

...I've seen some stupid ideas before... but this one ranks in the top ten.... look, people... this ain't gonna work...

"If you are a female drug addict you should be paid to take contraceptives so that you do not have kids, says Professor Neil McKeganey, an expert from the Centre for Drug Misuse and Research, UK.

He said that meeting the needs of infants and children born to drug addicted mothers was getting out of control; he called it ‘a crisis’. He would like to see a long-term programme put into practice where a woman takes contraceptives if she is a drug addict. He thinks that paying them is probably the most effective way. "

...Maniak Thoughts...

...baby sister in the Air Force is right.... those who don't stand up for themselves.. get exactly what they deserve.. I normally don't do politics here, but, I have to admit... I think she's right....

St. Paddy's Day...

...well, everyone seems to be doing them.... and, being a mix of Scots, Irish, German, Cherokee, Choctaw, Dutch, and English... I suppose I should participate.. after all, I got this red hair... and, these damned freckles from SOMEwhere... so, in the spirit of the holiday.... and, in honor of my Irish-Soaker side... I give you a little thing fresh from the e-mail....

...yes, kiddies... an Irish Palm Pilot...

..heh..

..interesting Dutch Law..

... here it is.... wow....

"Newspaper De Telegraaf said pony owners Fred and Ria Herszkowicz entered the stall containing their three-year-old pony Bella and discovered a 65-year-old man with his trousers around his ankles.

He ran off but was caught a short time later by police. He had to be released again because the animal had no visible injuries.

Under Dutch law bestiality is not a crime as long as the animal is not hurt. The Public Prosecutor (OM) has confirmed the man cannot be prosecuted in this case despite the fact he was found interfering with an animal in a locked stable"

Music...ahhh....

...I've seen quite a bit of blogs that have jukebox type things... most notably, Dog Snot Diaries.... but, since I've posted a SHITLOAD of songs here... and, I ain't smart enough to get that radio thing working... here are a few links to some of the songs that I've linked in this blogs short existence.... enjoy, you retards.... bandwidth, be damned...

Frank Sinatra.... "My First Affair".... classic... from here....
George Thorogood.... "Born to be Bad".... from this post...
...also, a little Tom Waits.... with "Step Right Up".. from here...warning... this song is NOT for the faint of heart...
..the Proclaimers....with "500 Miles".. from here....
and.. a lesson in auld Scots tongue... with "Sgt. MacKenzie"....
...my bud James... singing and playing... "Loch Tay Boat Song"...
..more of the Ratpack... from guestposting at Velociword... right here...
..and, then... of course, there is some Cake....Comfort Eagle... Short Skirt... and Love You Madly...
..last, but certainly not least... a little Zevon.. Mr. Bad Example... from this post.... and.. for my Bro... Don't Let Us Get Sick... from this post.... and, for Acidman after the blogmeet in Savannah... Lawyers, Guns, and Money... from here...
..oh.. and lest I forget... My Shit's Fucked Up... once again, for my Bro.. from here...
... and... lastly... my Zevon song for myself... "Hostage O"... from this post...

..*whew*... damn.. I'm going to bed now...that was TIRESOME... next time, you guys find your OWN damn songs...

All Doggies Go to Heaven...

...sometimes I miss not having a pet.... even though we have two cats... they aren't really "pets"... we just feed them.... heh.. we are THEIR pets.... but, then something like THIS comes along... and I'm GLAD I don't have a pet...

"Skylight Paths just published a book called "What Animals Can Teach Us About Spirituality." "Peace to All Beings: Veggie Soup for the Chicken's Soul," (Lantern Books) contains prayers for all sorts of creatures, including insects. (One prayer: "Peace and compassion prevails on Earth for our tiny brothers and sisters everywhere.") Pet boutiques, such as Miami Beach's Dog Bar, carry plush toy dreidels, Stars of David and St. Christopher pendants for collars, and kosher pet food (production supervised by a rabbi)."

My Sidebar...

...yeah, yeah... like you people are interested... anyway, in case you haven't noticed, I changed the photo in the top left... This was taken by Ken at the Six Pence Pub in Savannah a few weeks ago... I tell ya, you gotta watch old Ken... he's pretty damn sneaky with that camera of his... and, as shown above, he'll catch you when you least expect it.... (By the way, I'd link to your site, Kenny, but it is GONE.. WTF, man?)

...well, here's the rub... I've been toying with the idea of changing out the photos on my sidebar... ala Miss Kelley and Velocigod.... but, I haven't made up my mind yet... so, in sheer desperation, I ask for your thoughts on the subject... which, if any, should I keep up there... your choices are below... oh, and if you don't like ANY of them, then that's too damn bad... you're gonna have to live with one of them in any case, so you might as well shut up and choose...

...one funny thing is that Georgia is in two of the three photos.. heh... that's her and Kelly singing in the second one... with Ken and I playing guitar... and, that's Georgia's hand holding a beer in the last photo...

Help a Guy Out...

..my ole buddy Goose... of Gooseneck fame, is just a few teensy hits away from the awe inspiring 10K mark on his blog... AND.... he's offering a nice PRIZE for the lucky person who makes the mark... so, get your tails over there and win that prize...

Clean at Wendy's...

..ok... there are so many things wrong with this story... I don't even know where to begin.... honestly... at first, I laughed my ass off... but, now that I've thought for a while... I'm kinda pissed at those two retards... they have ruined the whole Wendy's experience for me...

It looks like a Wendy's restaurant in North Carolina won't be cited for any health-code violations -- after it was discovered that two employees took a bath in one of the sinks.

It's not clear when the workers at the restaurant in Advance took the bath. Photos show two men in bathing suits taking turns bathing in the large sink, which was filled with bubbles.

Friday Five...

...courtesy of Tommy...

Friday Five:

1. What was the last song you heard?
"Mary Had A Little Lamb".. as performed by Stevie Ray Vaughan.... listened to it on the way back from work..

2. What were the last two movies you saw?
...two nights ago, I watched Das Boot... three nights ago, I watched Matchstick Men... I can identify with BOTH of those movies.... and that is a fact....

3. What were the last three things you purchased?
...a jelly doughnut.... a carton of Camels... un-filtered, of course.. and 250 rounds of .223 ammo... hey, don't tell ME I don't know how to have fun...

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
...cook dinner.... my special chili is on right now... so, I'm cool..
...get steaks and shrimp for the BBQ tomorrow...
...Blog about a Jarfly.. or Cicada... whatever the hell you want to call them...
...clean my AR-15, 9mm, and .380....

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
...the Wife....
...the Friend from Work....
...the Guy I work with from the Dominican Republic..
...myself..
...Cousin Calvin... otherwise known as Big Daddy C...

No Cremation for Me...

...no, no no, Brothers and Sisters.... no burial either... when I finally pop my clogs... sell my ass to the ARMY... and use that 30K to throw me one HELLUVA wake... actually... now that I think of it... the Army could probably sell tickets to my body's last moments... heh... I know some bastards would like to see that...

"Imagine if your mother had said all her life that she wanted her body to be used for science, and then her body was used to test land mines. I think that is disturbing, and I think there are some moral problems with deception here," Meyers said."

..yeah? really?.. and I think you're full of shit, Meyers... Science is science... and yes, we NEED to know what those mines will do to our Soldiers and Marines... plus, it would just be cool... so, shut your damn cake hole, and let us blow stuff up...

1400!!

...Congratulations goes out to the lovely and talented... and, everyone's favorite Netgrandma... Indigo Insights for leaving the 1400th comment here at my crappy blog... WHOO HOO!!! ...on the downside, I'd love to send you a present, Indigo, but... I am uneducated in the etiquette of Blog Comment Gifting... so, please just accept my humble thanks....

Random Thoughts..

..I totally fucking HATE IT when MT freaks out on my trackback pings... as a result, none of the people in the post below got a ping... dammit all... ahhh, screw it, I'm going outside....

Good Stuff....

.... beautiful day here in Tennessee... nice temperature... slight breeze... so nice, in fact, that I'm gonna go sit on my deck and play guitar.. oh, and drink Scotch... so, for this evening's entertainment, check out some of my blogbrothers and sisters....

..for instance... Beth has written a song for all of us Nekkid Bloggers... but, I'm having a bit of trouble with the tune... what key, exactly, is "Dee Dee Dee Dee" in?... ahh well, I'll figure it out....

...next up is Tommy... he has written a nice piece about scaring your workmates shitless... heh, I like that in a workmate.... but, paybacks are a beeyatch, Tommy... although, I have a friend at work who goes one better than just scaring you... she'll sneak up on you and Stealth Disco your ass... now, THAT is scary to watch....

...the Bitterman... over at the Smoking Toaster... is showing us that most distinctly is NOT a treehugger... and, he's starting his Spring gardening a bit early this year... funny.... I've never been much of a gardener, but I HAVE heard the wife mutter... "Die, Motherfucker, die" a few times while weeding the flowerbed....

...Goldiedear.. the Aussie Drama Queen.... is having her Friday a bit earlier than the rest of us.. and, from the sounds of things, it's gonna be a corker.... oh, and I love her tagline.... "Pog mo thoin"... and, if y'all don't know what THAT means, you can kiss my ass....

...Geoffrey.... over at Dog Snot Diaries, shows us all a lovely photo of what life is like when you enjoy it to the fullest... heh... been there, and done that, Geoffrey... although... I usually ended up rather worse for wear that gentleman in the center.... I read over HERE that it was because he "arrived late"... unfortunately... that has never been MY problem....

...so... enjoy, folks.... I'm off to play guitar on the deck.....

I KNEW IT!!..

...those evil Bastards.... coaxing us in with their new SALAD MENU... when, we REALLY wanted a double cheese burger... brow beating us with "healthier menu".... when we really wanted a damn double cheese burger... so, now it is official... eat salads... and friggin' die anyway...

"LONDON (Reuters) - Global hamburger giant McDonald's latest line in healthy looking salads may contain more fat than its hamburgers, according to the company's website."

More Idiocy...

..sorry folks, but THIS WOMAN is insane.... I mean, c'mon people... first of all, a Million Dollar bill?!?!.... sheesh... and SECONDLY, she wants to break it at WALMART??... moron...

Indonesia Again...

...just one more reason to stay home, I suppose.....

"A couple caught kissing on the mouth in public could spend up to five years in jail or pay up to 250 million rupiah in fines, the Post said. It is unclear whether the ban would also apply to married couples. "

Poor Helen...

.... ahhh... Helen.... I know you've started a new life in London... but, after reading THIS, I think you are going to have a hard time adjusting with those uptight Londoners... Good luck...

"LONDON (Reuters) - A magazine advertisement for lingerie that showed a scantily clad model apparently masturbating was banned by the Advertising Standards Authority for being offensive."...

....and...

"The Authority considered that, because it implied the woman was masturbating, the advertisement was likely to cause serious or widespread offence," the ASA said in a statement on Wednesday after receiving a complaint."

...screw them, Helen.. you play all you want... it's GOOD for you...

Amen, Sister...

... I really... REALLY... like the way THIS WOMAN thinks....

"''We're fighting for our rights to do what men do,'' said Lori Mauldin, a sales clerk at a Daytona Beach T-shirt shop who intends to march in the protest. ``If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me.''

...preach on, Sister.... FREE the BOOBIES....

Public Urination....

....seemingly, it is a big problem in Minneapolis.... some of their residents go out on a boozer, and end up letting it fly in garbage cans.... I mean, c'mon people... are you guys trying to tell me that you've not been out on a bender, and ended up using everything from the side of the road... to that bush in the city park.... to the corner of the pub when no one was looking?... sheesh.... gimme a break... you KNOW you have... outlawing public urination is just going to make criminals of honest drunks.... that's just wrong, dammit....

The Natives are Restless..

..heh... I always wanted to say that, but have never had the opportunity... SEE?

"A British magazine is facing protests from a remote tribe in New Guinea after it said the region was populated by "cannibals" indulging in "random orgies".

Lads' magazine Zoo Weekly offered readers the chance to win a "flesh-eating fortnight" in which it said "the chances... of ending up as dinner for the tribe remain pretty slim."

...what exactly is a "random orgy"?... I would have thought that a lot of planning and preparation would be needed for an orgy...

Chocolate

...I don't know why, but I just think that THIS is a good idea...

"A Russia farm has started feeding its 10,000 cattle on chocolate and sweets.

The confectionery is added to the normal feed of cows at the Melnik dairy farm in the Kaliningrad region.

Farm officials claim the supplements give the milk a "peculiar piquancy" as well as making it more rich."

Chivalry, or Nutcases?

...hey... don't get me wrong... I'm all for being a Gentleman, and all... but, I'm not too sure ABOUT THIS.....

"DUSHANBE, Tajikistan (Reuters) - Two policemen died from gunshot wounds after what appears to have been an old-fashioned duel in the Tajik capital, Dushanbe, police said Monday.

The pair were guarding the mayor's office late Sunday when they fired at each other. A police official said the motive for the duel was unclear.

"As a result of a pistol duel, the two died in a hospital from their wounds," the police official told Reuters. He said the two were noncommissioned officers, aged 29 and 33.

Duels were a popular way of settling disputes and matters of honor among the nobility in czarist Russia and claimed the lives of writers Alexander Pushkin and Mikhail Lermontov, but are almost unheard of in Tajikistan, a former Soviet republic. "

Current Thought...

...I saw a Werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic's, and his hair was perfect...

Chilean Men...

...the Men in Chile must be some brave dudes.... try THIS CRAP around here, and you'll find yourself being strangled by a fat lady...

Fat woman wins drivers' licence back with diet

A 14-stone Chilean woman who was told she was too fat to drive has won back her licence after hiring a nutritionist to help her diet.

Gloria Retes, who is five foot three inches tall, was told by an official from Rancagua's traffic department that she was having her licence revoked as they believed her flab was a danger.

Mrs Retes, 46, has told the Las Ultimas Noticias newspaper that her attempts to embarrass the officials into returning her licence.

She said: "I cannot believe this is happening. I've been driving since I'm 19 and never had an accident! And the doctor who saw me had a belly bigger than mine!"

She says the licence has now been renewed after she showed them documentary proof that she had hired a nutritionist and plans to lose weight.

WTF??

This is just horrible.... what ever happened to loving your parents?... or even, respecting your elders?...

I'm Stumped...

LeeAnn, over at the Chez Cheese.. has a new Caption Contest.... and, it's killing me... I'm a Star Trek fan, but I SWEAR TO GOD that I can't think of one clever caption... dammit... DAMMIT.... I think I need to have a few more drinks, and THEN try...

Holy Popcorn, Batman!

...THIS is incredible... I had to read it twice to make sure I heard it right... WOW... quote of the day:

"The speed at which the babies came out was overwhelming. It was like a popcorn popper," the baby's grinning father, Keith Hanselman, told reporters"

What's Going On?...

.... I'll be having homemade Chicken Soup tonight... wish me luck.... so, as I'm preparing for the gastronomical onslaught, I thought I'd throw out some links to some fine stuff....

Harvey's latest lurve note is killer... I like it a lot....

"Maybe a guy could fall instantly in love, but I doubt it. I think love creeps over you like a warm feeling on a clear blue fall day. This person is in your thoughts most of the time - all of the time, actually. You see her when you close your eyes, when you look off into the distance, when you pause from what you are doing and take a deep breath. You remember how her fingers felt when they touched you. The loved one becomes a part of you, the most important part. At least it's that way with me when I think of you."

Velociman is tempting the fates by smuggling contraband onto flights... I only hope, for his sake, that they dipped those babies in some disinfectant before they stored them... otherwise, in a few weeks those clippers are likely to be classed as a WMD....

Adam, the Single Southern Guy, is having a Birthday... and, his blog just had it's blogiversary.... go say hello...

The Bitterman gives us his fine 2 cents worth on the Gay Marriage deal.. a'men, brother... I agree...

Jack over at Random Fate is about to be interviewed.... go over and throw some questions his way....

Bill... from Bloviating Inanities.... gives us the most horrible sound imaginable... thanks Bill, my teeth hurt when I read your blog...

John from Castle Argghh has a great clip of some mudslogging Royal Marines... I've trained with'em, and they eat that shit up... crazy bastards.. just remember to right-click, and save the clip first...

...ok... that's it... time for dinner... if I survive, I'll write a fine gourmet-esque review of the soup in the morning... if I don't, come by the yard sale at my house in a few weeks, my gun collection will be going cheap... hey, don't let it be said that I don't wanna clue y'all in on a bargain...

Soy Boy...

...just in case you've been wondering what PETA has been up to lately....HERE it is...

"San Jose native Zachary Hocker -- recently named ``Sexiest Vegetarian Alive'' by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals -- hopes to use his title as a platform to educate others about the social, political and moral merits of a meat-free existence.

He's also hoping to score a few dates.

The baby-faced Yale University student won the title last week over hundreds who entered the online contest sponsored by PETA."

...listen.. you want to know what's sexy? ...a 16oz steak... medium rare... being served up by a buxom brunette waitress with glasses.... you can keep your soy, boy...

Bubba the Love Sponge...

..Bubba has been fired... evidently, having Alvin the Chipmunk, Scooby Doo, and George Jetson discuss sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll during his radio show was in bad taste... hey, who knew?... anyway, anyone got a recording of his show?..

...He managed to rack up the biggest FCC fine ever for indecency... now, that takes some doin', folks...

"The segments - which aired in Callahan, Clearwater, Port Charlotte and West Palm Beach - included graphic discussions about sex and drugs that were "designed to pander to, titillate and shock listeners," the FCC said. One segment featured the cartoon characters Alvin the chipmunk, George Jetson and Scooby Doo discussing sexual activities.

The segments ran 26 times and the commission proposed fining Clear Channel $27,500 for each airing, or $715,000."

Quote of the Day...

....fresh from the BBC... Lady Helen Long provides us with this wonderful description of the fine art of the Lapdance....

"Having said that, it is a lap-dancing club. A councillor here said he thought it would be like ballet.

"Well, it's not like ballet. It's more a cross between gymnastics and faking an orgasm."

...I think she's right...

Checkin' the Caboose..

... what's your favorite part of a woman?.... personally, I'm a caboose guy... but, getting implants?... c'mon ladies... we're gonna love your ass REGARDLESS .... so, save the money...

"Lynne’s surgeon, Dr. Robert F. Centeno, who has a private practice in St. Louis, credits much of the surge in the procedure’s popularity on the famous fanny of one celebrity in particular -– Jennifer Lopez. “As many people that you might have that criticize her buttocks as being too big, she has impacted on what is perceived to be an attractive buttock,” he says. "

What the Hell??

...like, what in the great-livin-hell is going on in Colorado?... I thought it was all Rocky Mountains... cool, fresh, spring water that they make beer out of... and lovely ski-bunny filled chalets.... damn, people.. get a frikkin' grip... and keep yer damn hands to your self...

Tailgate Party

...the Rocky Top Brigade's "Volunteer Tailgate Party" is up over at Les Jones' place... give'er a look..

Incredible...

HERE is the link... wow...

"DUBLIN (Reuters) - An elderly Irishwoman shared a room with her sister's corpse for up to a year and sometimes slept with it in the same bed, newspapers report.

Mary Ellen Lyons never told anyone that her sister Agnes had died, the reports said. Even their brother Michael, who lived in the same remote bungalow in rural western Ireland, did not know.

An inquest heard on Monday that Agnes probably died in 2002 -- possibly in September -- at the age of 70.

However, her body was only discovered in August 2003 when Mary Ellen fell ill and had to be taken to hospital.

"I have tried to remember when Agnes died but I just can't remember," Mary Ellen said in a statement read out at the inquest. "I remember getting Christmas cards at Christmas 2002 but I cannot remember if Agnes was dead at the time."

The inquest heard the three siblings lived in "a world apart" and that the sisters were deeply religious.

After Agnes' death, Mary Ellen sometimes slept in the same double bed as the corpse and sometimes in the bathroom. Michael stayed in his own bedroom and the living room of the tiny house and never entered his sisters' room.

"There is no way that Michael would open the door of a woman's room," a neighbour told the inquest. "They wouldn't even watch the television if there was a woman on it. They were from a different era."

Time to Revolt..

...remember the Whiskey Rebellion?.... taxes.... remember the Revolution?... taxes... I don't know what we're gonna call the coming war over this tax, but, dammit people... TAXES SUCK!... to arms!!.... which way is it to Salt Lake?..

Conan the Barbarian...

...what can I say?.... other than, of course.... BHWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. ahhh Conan...

"Everything would have been fine if it hadn't been for Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, one of O'Brien's recurring gags. Triumph spreads bad cheer and ill-will wherever he goes, but when O'Brien let the hand puppet loose in Quebec City on Thursday night, his antics caused the normally serene Canadians to pop a few blood vessels.

"So you're French and Canadian, yes?" the puppet said in one of the offending segments. "So you're obnoxious AND dull." If anybody missed the subtle humor, it was followed with these gems: "You're in North America. ... Learn the language!" and "I can tell you're French. … You have that proud expression, that superior look, and I can smell your crotch from here."

The (English-speaking) audience in the Toronto theater loved the routines, but French Canadians were not the only ones who weren't amused."

What's Going On?...

...I thought I'd take a walk through the old blogroll tonight... instead of writing anything myself... so, here are a few choice links that I enjoyed today....

....LeeAnn, the Ubersexy Mistress of Cheese, has a caption contest going on... give it a fling... if you read the comments, you'll recognize right off that bloggers are either incredibly funny, or totally psycho... but, either way, they're still fun to be around... just hide the sharp objects...

Don at Anger Management is taking a step back.... good luck, man... I wish you all the best...

Sir John is recounting a wonderous tale of shotguns, dead grouse, and getting rid of the husband... the funny thing is, I actually KNOW the owner of Caledonian Cartridge Company... what a small world, eh?....

Sam... from the Brier Patch... skipped town for the Islands... now, he's back, and we expect stories of beaches, babes, and drunken Jimmy Buffettesque parties..

The Bartender has a party going on in his comments.... WHOA!!... Buttery Nipples, a slip-n-slide from Walmart, and gallons of Redi-Whip.... evidenty there IS sex in the Champagne Room after all... heh... although, no one has owned up to the mysterious Robin Suit yet..

Poor Guy...

...this is horrible... poor guy.. heh...

"HANOI, Vietnam (AP) -- With directions from the Internet and an old Russian truck motor, a Vietnamese farmer fulfilled his dream of making his own helicopter. The job took two friends, seven years and $30,000.

Now, military officials say he can't fly it, because he didn't get approval to build it, and they confiscated the makeshift copter. "

Sex or DIE?

...no comment....it's too unbelievable... if you're interested, the article is HERE.... I'll just post some selections.... ok?....

"To neighbours on the council estate in Yate, near Bristol, where he lives, Jack is just a dishevelled looking man.

But to his many devotees around the world he is a leading tantric sex guru, who claims he "heals" women of terminal diseases such as cancer by sleeping with them."...

...and..

"While Jack's job is one men dream of, he looks like most women's worst nightmare.

With his wispy grey hair, a body as scrawny as the man in the Mr Muscle adverts, a toothless smile and a smoker's cough, he's hardly God's gift. "

...oh, and....

"But I had an amazing time.The first session lasted for three hours. It was wonderful. He took me to places I'd never been before. It was a Friday and I didn't make myself sick for the whole weekend. I thought maybe his way of healing did work.

"Afterwards I couldn't get enough of Jack. We were having sex several times a day and every night. I began having orgasms through penetrative sex, which had never happened before. "

...Ladies.... I'm sorry.... I will NEVER understand you... never...

A Million Dollars?

...I'm sure I'd blow most of it on "luxury" items.. but, not THIS....

"KALISPELL - A longtime Kalispell businessman was arrested Wednesday and charged with hiring prostitutes, and police say he may have paid women upward of $1 million for sexual relations."

...a million bucks?... either that dude goes like a rabbit, or he is one nasty lookin' sumbitch...

For the Ladies...

...the morning after Valentine's... get lucky last night, did ya?.. well, according TO THIS, you might have just thought you did... but, there is a moral to this story, ladies... rather than faking it, just say "no"... we'll understand.... it's not fair to you, and it ain't fair to us guys who love ya...

"More to the point, if you're enjoying the journey without reaching the destination, there are better ways to let your beau know. Forget about Danielle Steele; think Romeo and Juliet, "Atlas Shrugged," even "The Princess Bride." If you're focusing on making your tryst porn-worthy, there's a good chance you're sacrificing the XOXO for the XXX. After all, where's the romance in a contrived climax?"

... personally, I like the idea of including "The Princess Bride" into the mix.. both "Have fun stormin' the Castle!"... and, "As you wish..." should be used liberally during the orgasm reaching project...

Panty Thief...

...well, happy Valentine's Day... maybe THIS will help you get into the spirit..

"They left the sports bras and the full-coverage bras, opting instead for the sexy, lacy little numbers — 150 of them — in an illicit pre-Valentine's Day shopping spree at Victoria's Secret.

A shoplifter or shoplifters helped themselves to about $5,400 worth of demi-cup and push-up bras in various styles and sizes from the lingerie franchise in the Bellevue Square Shopping Center on Sunday, said Bellevue police spokesman Michael Chiu. "

..people will steal ANYthing...

Update - Neil Young

...well, I didn't get much of a response to my Neil Young Trivia post... only one brave soul, Jaded Angel, answered the call.... and, her answers were... uh... interesting, to say the least, but sadly... they were incorrect.... so, here are the answers...

1. "I'm gonna ride my llama from Peru to Texarkana"

2. "It was then I knew I'd had enough, Burned my credit card for fuel"

3. "Down the windy halls of friendship, To the rose clipped by the bullwhip, The motel of lost companions waits with heated pool and bar."

4. "I wish a was a trapper, I would give thousand pelts to sleep with Pocahontas and find out how she felt"

and, lastly...

5. "Welfare Mothers make better Lovers"

see?... he musta been higher than a kite to write some of this stuff....

How NOT to remove a bra...

...fumbling with that bra clasp? hell, just use a CHAINSAW....

"The chainsaw operator, performance artist Marko Koenig, said Rauch was lying down during the rehearsal on Monday and suddenly bent forward just as he was applying the saw to her bra.

"I couldn't pull back the chainsaw quickly enough and cut her breast and stomach. It was terrible," he told Bild. The hospital in Karlsruhe, southwest Germany, where Rauch was treated declined to give details of her injuries. "We are not authorised to comment on our patients," a spokesman said."

..morons...

I've got a new Hero..

...THIS GUY is the Iceman.... although, I've never heard it, I'm sure the Aussies already have a joke that starts out... "A bloke walks into the club with a shark on his leg"...

SYDNEY, Australia (AP) -- Lifeguards at a beach post north of Sydney couldn't believe their eyes when a man walked in with a small shark attached to his leg.

...and..

A senior lifeguard at the clubhouse, Michael Jones, said he couldn't believe his eyes when Tresoglavic turned up -- shark in tow.

"He basically asked the question: 'Can you help me get it off?' There's nothing in our procedure manual for that type of thing," Jones said.

The lifeguards flushed the shark's gills with fresh water, forcing it to loosen its grip on Tresoglavic's leg -- with blood oozing from 70 needle-like punctures. The shark later died.

...yeah, yeah.... it was only 2 feet long... but still, it's pretty amazing....

Podophilia...

...an interesting article on the Sole....

"And the prettiest foot! Oh, if a man could but fasten his eyes to her feet, as they steal in and out, and play at bo-peep under her petticoats!"

—William Congreve (1670-1729), Love for Love, Act I, Scene V

hey... what?...

Bitterman Rides Again..

..now, THIS is a cool story.... crack open another one, Bitterman... I understand where you're coming from... it's the little things in life that count...

Another Small Business...

...bites the dust... where would America be without her "Mom and Pop" businesses.. man, evil technology is a real asskicker.... dammit...

Ah, yes, another small business bites the dust. Tom and Suzi Wahl were just trying to run a mom and pop porn store out of their Lake Saint Louis home and along came the Internet, offering quicker, cheaper and better hits of video sex.

I mean, what's next? If your friendly, neighborhood porn dealer can't make a buck in this world, are any of us safe from the Internet? The next thing you know, the Internet will be providing online newspapers offering up-to-the-minute news quicker than you can get from radio and television.

Oh, I forgot, we already do that. You can read this column from the comfort of your computer by going to www.stltoday.com, then clicking on news and scrolling down to columnists and Talk of Charleytown. Or you can click on news, and then go to news subsections and click on St. Charles and, presto, Charleytown will appear.

...and then....

To say Wahl ran afoul of the authorities in this county would be a tad of an understatement. One day he was dressed up as Patrick Henry and protested a group of protesters who were parading in front of Bargain Books, south of St. Charles. A group called Citizens Against Pornography was protesting the practice of offering sexually explicit videos and magazines at Bargain Books.
Wahl showed up to protest the protest.

What he did that day almost landed him in big trouble.

"I talked openly and specifically about the joys of oral sex," he said then, in June 1998. "I was not disturbing the peace. I wasn't using a bullhorn. I was speaking, and I was arrested on the basis of my speech."

Word of the Day?

...I wake up to a nice, quiet Sunday morning... begin reading a few blogs... and, what do I find? Yep, everyone seems to be talking about a certain subject... I know that a lot of blogs do the "Letter of the Day" thing... but, did I miss something? Is the word for today "Pussy"?

...Mog tells us what to do with a Hot Pussy....

..and Velocidude asks us about a Cold Pussy...

...dang.. I'm going back to bed..

UPDATE: Thanks to AlphaPatriot for THIS giggler...but, like Patriot says, THIS is just WRONG....

Cheap Bastard...

...I swear... you can't make this crap up... and the guy is a former MAIL CLERK...

"A man who tried to cut his travel costs by shipping himself across the US in a cargo crate has been given one year's probation.

Charles McKinley, 25, shipped himself from Newark, New Jersey, to Dallas Fort Worth Airport in Texas last September.

He initially claimed he had been able to free himself from his 42-by-36-by-15-inch crate during the 1,500-mile flight and wander around the cargo area but later admitted he lied.

Judge Charles Bleil told him: "I don't like what you did. It was wrong and very stupid. But I'm glad you are standing here this morning, rather than have met a fate much worse by the stupidity of your actions."

The former New York shipping clerk, who could have received up to a year in jail and a $100,000 fine did not speak to reporters after he was sentenced."

Ok, Ladies...

...now y'all have a REAL reason to get to the gym... no excuses now.... heh... SEE?

A London gym has developed a new fitness regime that it guarantees will increase the frequency, intensity and quality of customer's orgasms.

The Shag Workout is being launched at Gymbox in Holborn - and some participants claim to have reached a climax during test classes.

Gym bosses say the class involves a three-step process that aims to develop sexual technique, confidence and endurance resulting in a more satisfying session in the sack whilst improving fitness levels.

A Gymbox spokesman said: "Once inhibitions have been lowered and specific muscles targeted 25% of women participants in the test classes have reported experiencing the elusive and much sought after multiple orgasm for the first time in their lives."

C'mon People....

Once again, our School System goes off the deep end....

"A seven-year-old girl has been suspended from her US primary school for telling a classmate he would end up in hell.

Brandy McKenith, a pupil at Sunnyside Elementary in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, reacted after hearing a boy use the phrase "I swear to God".

McKenith's classmate told the teacher that Brandy had told him "You're going to go to hell for swearing to God" and the youngster was sent to the headteacher's office."

..the day is coming, folks, when one child tells another that they "don't find them attractive", and they get expelled for it....

Polaroid...

...The Scotsman has the scoop on Polaroid's latest marketing campaign....hehe....cool...

"Polaroid Uses Sex Dolls and Handcuffs for Valentine Message

By Graham Hiscott, Consumer Affairs Correspondent, PA News


Camera manufacturer Polaroid is risking controversy with a new advertising campaign to be launched tomorrow featuring sex dolls, handcuffs and blindfolds.

Billboards appearing in London have words such as “love” and “be mine” created from photographs of various sex-related objects made to look like individual letters.

The campaign is part of attempts by Polaroid to fight back against competition from rivals to its instant photo technology, such the phenomenally successful digital cameras.

The posters do not include the Polaroid name, but have a website address enabling visitors to send a Valentine message by email or mobile phone using risqué pictures.

“It’s fun stuff,” said Christian Hinchcliffe, from advertising agency Euro RSCG which created the campaign. “It’s hard not offend one section of the population or the other these days.”

More on the Toy Story...

..a few days ago, I mentioned an ongoing battle between a lady who sells Adult Toys, and the Texas Justice System.....well, folks....the hits just keep on coming... if you ask me, it is starting to get pretty crazy now.. hell, leave the girl alone!.. I mean, good LORD, it's just a friggin' vibrator...

"CLEBURNE, Texas- A judge on Thursday imposed a temporary gag order in the obscenity case of a woman arrested for selling two sex toys.

Johnson County Attorney Bill Moore filed a motion seeking to stop Joanne Webb, her family and attorney from talking about the misdemeanor case that has generated publicity nationwide since her November arrest after an undercover police sting. Moore has repeatedly refused to comment on the case."

...and...

"But Webb was arrested after two police officers, posing as a couple, bought two products after approaching her at her husband's business in Burleson, about 10 miles south of Fort Worth. She now faces up to a year in jail and a $4,000 fine if convicted.

Webb is one of 3,000 Passion Parties consultants nationwide, including more than 150 in Texas, and the first in the company's 10-year history to be arrested for such an offense.

Before the gag order was imposed Thursday, Webb said the products are designed to help women spice up their marriages and are not obscene.

"We should be able to open up the lines of communication, not shut them down, to help women be educated about these issues; it's once again infringing on my freedom," she said, referring to the gag order."

Texas Law...

..Texas needs to change THIS LAW... I mean, what are they afraid of? ..personally, I think all the women of Texas should embrace the "Passion Parties" with complete abandon... buy one, two, or twenty... the legislators should just butt the hell out... but, hey, that's just me...

Work it, Baby...

Finally....a workout I might be able to handle....AIR GUITAR!!

"US dance tutor Laila Hardman says by mimicking the likes of Slash and Eddie Van Halen people can develop all the major muscle groups.

She says by recreating the Townshend Windmill, the Angus Young Shuffle, the May Mosh and the Parfitt Sway to high-tempo rock music participants can have a "full-on cardo-vascular work-out."

The instructor says the work-out has been modelled on Punk Rock Aerobics which has become popular in New York.

Ms Hardman said: "It works all the major muscle groups paying particular attention to the legs and the upper body, as elements of the class will incorporate free weights to mimic the weight of a real guitar."

WOW..I'm in LOVE...

....with Anna-Marie Lever.....check THIS out....

"Ever taken a girl to a fancy restaurant in hope of some action in return?

Male striped ground crickets, Allonemobius socius, go one step further and let females chew off their tibial spur and suck out their hemolymph. The female crickets’ equivalent of posh nosh. Transferred along with this nutritious gift, the spermatophore, is the male’s sperm. Sagebrush cricket males even let their females chew their hind wings and lap up the blood that oozes forth during copulation.

The presentation of food to a mate during courtship or copulation is called nuptial feeding. It is almost always the male who gives food to the female. A male can benefit from this investment if he attracts more females or if, by fattening up his mate, he sires healthier offspring. It may also deflect unwanted cannibalistic attention through ‘mate guarding’ as a looked after female will stay with her mate.

The bigger the gift the more accommodating the female may become. Males bearing small gifts are often punished by not being allowed to copulate for long. This might explain why the hunting spider, Pisaura mirabilis, the only spider known to give gifts, takes the trouble to gift wrap the present of a dead fly in silk. The more silk, the more time the female takes to feed, even when the meal is paltry.

Gifts may take all sorts of forms. The female tropical cockroach, Xestoblatta hamata, feasts on anal secretions produced by their mates after sex. Balloon fly males use toys to keep their females interested. The males make the female a large white silk balloon to play with while they make love.

Some females may also do anything to keep their ideal man, including providing refreshments on tap. In the Zeus bug, Phoreticovelia diaparate, this comes in the form of secretions from glands situated on the female’s back, precisely where a mounted male’s mouthparts rest. The male latches onto the female and she carries him around doing all the housekeeping chores including scavenging for food on the surface of rivers. It is still unclear why the female is so hospitable, maybe in fear of being eaten by the carnivorous insect stuck to her back. Appropriately, Zeus bugs are named after the Greek God, who consumed his first wife, Metis. She’d probably forgot the dirty dishes or something."

I'd LOVE to See This...

...a dog....left front leg? ...gone.... right rear leg?... gone.... what does it spend all day doing?....HERDING SHEEP!!!....damn, only in NZ, people...even their DOGS are hardcore....

A New Zealand farmer is using his two-legged border collie to round up sheep.

Ian McDonald, of Maungati, says six-year-old Meg can still move with ease round a small flock.

She responds to Mr McDonald's instructions and whistles around the sheep, but drops down the moment she stops running.
..and....

The farmer says many other farmers may not have kept her but there was something about her personality that made him spend several thousand dollars on the operations. He added: "She's a bloody dear dog but she is strong-eyed and does the job."

His wife, Joy, says since Meg had her second leg amputation she moved a lot easier and seemed happier

Link Orgy...

Okey dokey, children....I was listening to some old Buffett on the way home from work yesterday....and, I suddenly realized that I hadn't spread any linky love around lately...don't blame me, my MT install is hammered....and, as a result, my trackbacks haven't been working....so, this may be an exercise in futility...which wouldn't surprise me....most things around here are just that, but that's beside the point....so...without further delay, here is my Wednesday Link Orgy ...enjoy, kiddies....oh, and if you get linked in here under something totally weird, please be gentle with your hatemail...I was drinking when I did this...

This Hotel Room...as performed by Mr. Buffett...
Written by Steve Goodman, 1975

This hotel room’s gotta lotta stuff
Laundry bag and a shoe shine cloth
Thirty two hangers and a touch tone phone
Well a light that comes on when I ain’t home

I ain’t home
I ain’t home
You better leave a message ’cause
I ain’t home

They got an air conditioner for when I’m hot
A radiator for when I’m not
Two big chairs sittin’ side by side
With a holy Bible and the tv guide

Tv guide
The tv guide
Great God almighty
It’s the tv guide

I gotta second story view from curb to curb
I gotta sign that reads do not disturb
A monogrammed towel and a bucket of ice
A chest of drawers and a mirror that lies

Mirror that lies
A mirror that lies
That couldn’t be me
In the gorilla disguise

They got a room service menu for food and drink
A porcelain throne and an aluminum sink
Two big pillows to rest my head
A magic fingers and a king-size bed

Put in a quarter
Turn out the light
Magic fingers makes ya feel alright

Uh feel alright
Feel alright
Magic fingers makes you feel alright

Uh this ol’ hotel’s all right with me
They pay the postage if you lose the key
This hotel room’s gotta lot of stuff
But I do believe I’ve had enough

Called my baby said don’t you pout
I’m packin’ my bags and I’m checkin’ out
Just as soon as you hang up the telephone
Stick a candle in the window I’m comin’ home

Comin’ home
Uh comin’ home
Stick a candle in the window
I’m comin’ home

Supersize...

The things some people will go through....THIS GUY destroyed his own body for a documentary....sheesh....although...I think it would have been more entertaining if he'd chosen Taco Bell.....

People Will Steal ANYTHING...

.....no comment.....

HERE it is...

...just plain crazy....

"JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (Reuters) - South African gunmen staged a daring heist to steal some $14,000 worth of "Chappies" chewing gum, police said Thursday. "We don't know if they were targeting the Chappies specifically or whether they came across the Chappies by chance," police spokesman Thobile Xakeka said"

South Florida casual...

...THIS has gotta be one of the best descriptions of a "porn shop" owner that I've ever heard......

"On the afternoon of New Year's Eve, Pasch sits in his claustrophobic, bathtub-sized office, equipped with a phone, fax, video player, and small television, which monitors the store. The air is hazy from the Kools he puffs. He's South Florida casual, in shorts and a half-buttoned-up shirt. His head is fleshy and round, with bulging, bloodshot eyeballs, and his eyebrows remain black, though his hair is vanishing and gray. Pasch possesses the gregarious manner of a businessman who relies on personality to win customers. He's not hard to like. "

The Naked Rambler

First off, let me just say that on many levels, I admire the hell out of this guy...and, with that said...on OTHER levels, he's as nutty as a fruitcake.. Having walked quite a bit in Scotland myself...I can attest to the cold, wind, rain, and midges that THIS GUY must have endured...I'd have frozen to death in two days...

A man trying to walk naked from Land's End to John O'Groats has finally reached his goal.

Over the course of his journey Stephen Gough, 44 has been arrested numerous times, made several court appearances and has served two jail sentences.

He began the 900-mile walk about seven months ago as a human rights protest to celebrate the naked human form, and to try to convince the public to stop being paranoid about the naked body.

.....and....

He has spent his time walking, often in near freezing temperatures, wearing only socks, walking boots, his hat and his rucksack. Speaking as he approached his final goal, Mr Gough said he planned to take a dip in the sea, even with today's rain and cold temperatures.

He said: "Quite often there are big points in our lives, such as getting married, when you think 'what am I going to do after that?'

"When that time arrives it can quite often be a bit of an anti-climax and so what I'm trying to do is just try to enjoy walking along and enjoy the moment because getting there is just another moment."

Yoga Therapy...

....a guy's wife has a substance abuse problem....she goes a little off the deep end on New Years....and, he smacks her....now, I don't condone being mean, rude, threatening, violent, or nasty to ANYONE...especially those of the fairer sex....unless...UNLESS they really...REALLY need it....this guy's situation could have been handled differently...but, sentencing him to YOGA CLASSES adds a certain Texas flair to the whole story....I suppose that yoga may indeed calm him down....and, he probably won't smack his wife anymore....which is a good thing.....but, I wonder what his "Anger Management" yoga classes are going to do for HER substance abuse problem?

...I, for one, have certainly needed....and GOTTEN....a good smack upside the head...to help put me back on track...to show me the err of my ways....and correct ungentlemanly behavior in general....sometimes, we ALL need a good smack...but, a huge gulf exists between a smack...and a beating....someone who BEATS someone...doesn't need a smack...they need a knee-capping...and some wall-to-wall counseling...

wow.....

...simply amazing....

BUCHAREST, Romania (Reuters) -- A team of Romanian and U.S. doctors say they have successfully removed a tumor weighing 175 pounds (80 kilograms) from a woman patient in an operation lasting 10 hours.

Lucica Bunghez, 47, had been largely confined to bed because of the tumor, which weighed almost double her body weight and covered her back, waist and hips.

"She is very well, the lack of the tumor really suits her," Ion Lascar, head of the plastic surgery department of Floreasca Hospital in Bucharest, told reporters on Wednesday.

"The lack of the tumor really suits her"??....that doctor needs smacked...hard....now....

Achilles Tendon

Folks....if you want to seriously fuck yourself up without actually KILLING yourself....cut your Achilles Tendon....you WILL be messed up for the REST of your life....during hand-to-hand combat training, most of the old USMC moves resulted in either a broken arm....or a severed Achilles Tendon....or both....and, friends....taking out the enemy's tendon will render him pretty dang useless....not as useless as if you'd blown his brains out....but, pretty useless as a foot-soldier for the rest of their life....anyway...sorry to keep rambling....but, I just read THIS....and thought I would share....

The clip on A Crow Left of the Murder, to be released on February 3, shows Brandon Boyd wandering through his yard picking up dog poo.

He then slips on a pile he missed and suffers a nasty fall that severs his foot at the ankle, causing a fountain of blood to spurt in the air.

The short film dramatises how Boyd actually severed 90% of his Achilles tendon two months ago. He was in his front yard repotting a tree, and when he lifted the tree he stepped backward onto a large shard of the original broken pot, which severed 90%of his Achilles tendon.

"It not only cut [the tendon], it lifted all of the flesh off the back of my leg," he recently told Los Angeles' KROQ-FM. "A hand-sized piece was shredded."

..I am not familiar with Incubus' music.....but, their choice in bodily injury is PERFECT...you wanna hurt?....yep...THAT'S the way to do it....

...Yard Birds...

Key West seems to be having a rather unusual problem....thousands of wild chickens are running rampant.....like I said, they seem to have a problem....perhaps I could suggest a SWG BBQ Apron?....hehehe

A city ordinance forbids killing the cluckers, but their growing numbers, plus their tendencies to scratch up yards and defecate where they please, have prompted city officials to plan to move half the chicken population to a bird sanctuary near Tampa.

In response, the chicken-lovers have come out in force. ChickenFest Key West (search) has been scheduled for June 17-20, including a Foghorn Leghorn look-alike contest and a "Poultry in Motion" parade.

"We're definitely not inviting Colonel Sanders to be the grand marshal," Key West Mayor Jimmy Weekley told the Associated Press.

One man pleaded with the city not to go ahead with the plan, according to the Miami Herald, imploring officials to think of the island's children.

"They grow up with computers, with war," he said. "If you take away natural life, our children are going to have a harder time in the world."

Hawking in Danger??

This story is just WEIRD....anyone else heard about THIS?...it's full of strange comments like...

"Detectives want to question Hawking about a number of minor injuries he recently suffered."

...and...

"The Daily Mirror reported on Monday that Hawking’s three children feared he might be the victim of someone suffering from Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, a disease where sufferers harm others to draw attention to themselves.

“The family are worried sick. They’ve been suspicious for some time that someone has been harming Stephen,” an unnamed source told the newspaper.

The inquiry was triggered when nursing staff contacted police last summer after the professor was left stranded in his wheelchair in the garden of his home on the hottest day of the year and suffered severe heatstroke and sunburn, the Mirror said."

I mean....if someone is hurting him...why doesn't he TELL somone?....personally, if I saw someone tweaking someone in a wheelchair, they'd be in for a stomping...sheesh...

Thank God for Insomnia..

Juliette was having trouble sleeping.....and creates some wonderfully insighful writing because of it....ahhhh...Juliette...you're a star..

"She used her femininity to figuratively emasculate every man on that panel and those men, being well-indoctrinated into the feminist code, let her do it.

I heard nothing that McDonald said after that and I distinctly recall the words “STFU, B” coming out of my mouth.

We American women are very powerful, likely the most powerful women on Earth ever. We can be nearly anything we want, ability and desire existing. There is much of which we are in control, including how we relate to and with men. With that in mind, we have to ask ourselves many questions. The most important one we all need to ask ourselves is this: do we need to exert and/or increase our power at the expense of the power of the men in our lives? "

Public Service

ok...in gratitude for all you people coming here and spending time, SWG is proud to be able to offer this Public Service Message...for all of you single males out there....I have THE ANSWER TO YOUR PRAYERS...heh...

Nude model seeks husband in internet contest

A Norwegian nude photographer has launched an internet competition to find a husband for one of his models.

...and...the BEST line is....

"He does not have to be rich, I can earn my own money. But he needs a good education and an understanding of art, which I think people who like Hegre's pictures do."

So far, she has received 10 applications. The deadline is April 1 and the winner will be announced in May if they find a candidate.

...she's pretty hot.....but, I prefer brunettes....hehehe...go get her, boys....

Velocigod is Back..

...well...I got up this morning with no idea what to post about....I didn't get much blogging done yesterday...a combination of work, buying mountain bikes, watching DVDs, and drinking...was the culprit...so, not much insight bullshit from me yesterday....anyway, I watched "When Harry met Sally" and "Terminator 3"...back-to-back....those two movies ROCK..of course, Harry Connick fucked up the soundtrack by remaking some of the Armstrong versions...but, all in all, Connick kicks....sorry...where was I?...oh...right.....watching those two movies last night reminded me of the time that I watched "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"...followed by "Scarface"....I had the weirdest dreams EVER that night...

ANYWAY...sorry to keep losing my concentration wandering...I start checking the blogroll this morning, and BEHOLD! Velociman has posted....sadly, it seems he has some kind of medical condition...and, it sounds pretty painful...but, a man of his caliber will not be slowed by a mere third testicle suddenly sprouting...get out the nailclippers, dude...as Barney Fife would say..."Nip it in the bud.."...and, be sure to use lots of alcohol...internally AND externally....

Crime or Care?

OK, people...if you are going to have a pet...you should take CARE of it...I've had lots of dogs and cats...and, they ALL have stayed outside....if it was cold, we'd put a heat lamp in their house...if it was hot, we'd make sure they had extra water...THIS GUY doesn't see it that way....I dunno...I just don't see the crime in preventing cruelty....

NEWPORT TWP. - A woman recently cited with criminal trespass after allegedly entering a neighbor's yard to care for his dog is facing new charges after police found the pooch in her basement Friday night.
Sharon Pezzuti says she was just trying to protect the animal from that night's extremely low temperatures. But what Pezzuti calls animal kindness, police call a crime.

Pezzuti, 42, of 119 Robert St., was charged Monday with receiving stolen property for harboring "Blue," a Husky-Rottweiler mix owned by neighbor Lamar McGrantham.

...and....

"He had ice hanging from his face. His eyes were bloodshot. I thought, I'm not going to let this dog die, so I took him and put him in the basement," Pezzuti said.

....and....

According to AccuWeather, Friday's low temperature reached -7 degrees.

SPCA director Ed Gross said Tuesday the agency cannot order an owner to bring a dog inside as long as it has shelter. Blue has a dog house, which was purchased by Pezzuti.

Southern Honor

Ladies and Gentlemen...the very honor of Southern Manhood...and indeed, AMERICAN Manhood.... is being challenged by THIS story....

We must organize....we must build...we cannot let this great injustice survive while we stand idly by....

Filipinos claim world's longest barbecue grill

Filipinos are claiming a new record for the lengthiest barbecue in the world after cooking on a 1.3km-long grill.

Organisers say the barbecue in the central Philippine city of Cebu proved to be longer than Peru's 613 metres set in 1997 and the 1.1km grill in the northern Philippine city of Dagupan last year.

They expect the grill to find its way to the Guinness Book of World Records, but Guinness officials say they haven't yet received any information on the attempt to verify.

Remember This?

Hey....remember the crazy lady who found a condom in her clam chowder?...well, it turns out that the Smoking Gun has the skinny on her....looks like she is an old pro at taking legal action...filing a claim against Taco Bell for coffee too hot....hmm...kinda makes you wonder if the condom was planted by her?...it sounds like it to me.....

WHOO HOOO!!!

Say Anything has MOVED to Moveable Type!....and, dammit, his blog brings back memories for me....I too, once had the loveable white wrapper on my blog...Congrats, Say Anything!

The Best Weapon...

...the deadliest weapon in the world is the mind of man....or a set of nailclippers..I forget exactly how that quote goes......heh..I guess it just goes to show you...where there is a will, a way may be found...

Man killed snake with nail-clippers

A 24-year-old Zambian man saved himself from being crushed to death by a python by killing it with a pair of nail-clippers.

Morgan Mulenga, from Mkushi, was attacked by the snake as he relieved himself behind a bush on his way home from selling fish in local villages.

The python coiled itself around his waist but Mr Mulenga's left arm was free and he managed to get his nail-clippers out of his pocket.

He stabbed the snake with the clippers until it was dead and then ran to the nearest village for help.

Mr Mulenga was taken to a local hospital where he was treated for serious internal injuries

Beer Wench...

heh....you really gotta hand it to those Aussies.....how do they make it through those long cricket matches?....well, they provide a little eye-candy....who brings you BEER!....sounds like a good plan to me.....surely....we MUST have a sports event here in the US where a similar tactic could be employed....so...today's clarion call to battle shall be....

"A Beer Wench at Every Game"

EXOTIC dancer Cherri fetches brews at the cricket, and she can't understand what's causing all the froth and bubble.

The seasoned "beer wench" won't be able to make today's Australia v India day-night match at the MCG, but others will be on duty.

The beer wenches were brought into focus during this week's Sydney Test, when four women were thrown out of the SCG.

The women, paid to dress sexily and skip to the bar by groups in the outer, were ejected for supplying drinks to inebriated clients.

Two Enterprising Canadians..

wow....I wonder how much money they made?...

"Schoolgirls 'expelled' for lesbian kissing shows

Two 12-year-old girls have been "encouraged" to leave their school by the headteacher after they were caught charging boys money for a public kissing session in the school cafeteria.

The schoolgirls, who have not been identified, apparently got the idea for the kiss after watching Britney Spears and Madonna kiss during last year's MTV awards.

The Canadian Grade 7 schoolgirls charged boys £2.10 to watch the lunch-hour lesbian-style show late last year."

The story is HERE, if you're interested...

The Chicago burbs..

uh...ok...ever heard the old chestnut..."it's better to be pissed off...than pissed ON?"....then, check out THIS story...dayum...

Falling goop most likely poop
January 8, 2004
BY ROBERT C. HERGUTH Transportation Reporter

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's . . . Actually, it's probably poop, and whether it came from a bird or a bathroom aboard an airplane, it's gross, say residents of an Oswego subdivision plastered in recent days with what police describe as "fecal matter."

The Ponds at Mill Race Creek subdivision in the far western suburb is under an O'Hare Airport flight path, so some residents initially suspected one or more planes unloaded lavatory waste over the community.

Damn, Matt...maybe you should stay in the city....it sounds like moving to the burbs is kinda scary.....with criminals breaking into your home, and shit raining down from the skies....heheheh

Link Love...

Alrighty...today's linkathon through my blogroll....

Barry at Inn of Last Home is having his Blogiversary...Congrats, Barry....

Jeff at Notorious B.L.O.G has some cool Pink Floyd lyrics...and a good point...

James over at Park Way Reststop has some...uh....interesting girlie pictures...

Voluntarily in China brings us another culture shock....Tennessee Titans and Mongolian wrestling...

Shem from Santified Heresy has found "the one"....and is in Love in Australia..

Brian at Resonance is cold...and blames it on his DNA...

Teresa over at Hatamaran is having a birthday...and her cake has some beautiful icing on it....

Key is writing poetry for Velociman....awww...ain't she sweet?

Major Bejus...the Danger Ranger of Call Me An Ambulance is BACK in full swing...

The Great Ohio Transvestite Chase...

...best line from THIS ONE?...."I'm not going to JAIL!! You'll have to KILL me first!"...and then, he sped creeped away at speeds exceeding well below the speed limit....

"Note to criminals: The worst, absolutely worst, place to flee from police officers is to police headquarters at shift change while dressed in drag.

A Toledo man was arraigned yesterday in Toledo Municipal Court after a routine traffic stop set off a bizarre police pursuit in which the driver at times drove several miles under the speed limit, made a U-turn in front of crews, and twice left the city limits out of reach of trailing police, only to return again.

"We joked at one time that we probably could stop and get a cup of coffee, pick this [chase] up again later, and still catch up with him," Toledo police Officer Rick Fisher said.

The incident began shortly after 10 p.m. Wednesday when Officer Fisher and his partner, Paul Toth, noticed a Ford Taurus weaving in East Toledo.

Stopped by the crew, the driver simply responded, "I am not going to jail. You will have to kill me first."

"Then he just threw it in drive and took off," Officer Fisher said.

The description of the suspect: wearing women’s clothing, high-heeled shoes, and a wig.

For the next 45 minutes, the Taurus wound through the streets of Toledo, onto I-75 into Northwood, back onto I-75, then onto I-475 into Sylvania Township where it continued on the expressway, eventually circling back into Toledo 23 minutes later.

Finally, with at least two cars on his tail and several other jurisdictions monitoring the situation, the driver of the Taurus turned toward 525 North Erie St. - an extraordinarily bad place and time, as it turned out."

I Am Not Alone

HA!...I hate flat-pack furniture....I really hate it...all those wooden dowels...color coded stickers on each section...drives me up the damn wall...but, it looks like I am no longer alone in the wilderness....THESE GUYS have a most excellent idea...eheheheh...

A college has launched a do-it-yourself course which aims to take the frustration out of flat-pack furniture.

The three-hour course will guide students through Ikea instructions and give some method to MFI madness.

DIYers will be shown the finer points of joining bracket A to shelf B and will even be able to use the expert advice of teacher John Tilley on their own pieces of furniture.

The free course is one of Northampton College's Bite Size range, one of a range of ideas aimed at getting adults back into education by demonstrating that learning can be fun.

What about the LEGAL ones?

WHOO HOOO!....Phil over at Day's Limit is pretty pissed over GW's new Immigration Policy....head over there and give it a read....as someone who has went through the LEGAL procedure of getting a Visa for my Scottish spouse, I can totally understand...it took 6 months for her to get all the paperwork in order...it was a total fiasco....I had a dying Father at the time, and we were forced to involve our Senator in the mess...he finally pulled some strings to get her paperwork rushed through...so that she could arrive just a few weeks before my Father died...and, if we hadn't involved the Senator, it would have taken close to a YEAR for her paperwork to get approved....anyway, I don't normally talk politics...but...since I currently LIVE with a Legal Alien...*whack*...*Ouch! Sorry, Babe!!*

Here are a few choice quotes that I liked....heh...

and we are going to reward them for that? What about all those immigrants that came here legally and went through the painstaking process of becoming citizens? What does this say to them? A big “Fuck You Very Much” is what it says. “We know you came here legally and did everything that we asked you to do, but we really don’t give a shit.

And....

We are going to pay them full benefits, even though they didn’t contribute long enough to deserve full benefits, and we are going to send the checks to them back in Mexico. Yeah, that makes sense. We are creating a fucking social welfare program for the entire planet. Real nice of ya “W”. Please feel free to increase my payroll taxes to help finance that one. Dick!

...dang, Phil...go get'em, tiger...

Number ONE, BABY!!

heh....I am number friggin' ONE in the google search for...wait for it.....drumroll, please..

"hillary bad joke"

hey...at least I have SOME claim to fame....

Fresh From the E-mail

Well...here I sit....nursing a dang Gin and Tonic....now, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy a nice Gin and Tonic....but, dammit, I'm OUT of SCOTCH....wife is doing a booze-run tomorrow....and the Wild Turkey 101 I had as a reserve only lasted a few days...so...one day away from Scotchfest 2004 at Straight White House, and I'm reduced to drinking an exquisite Bombay Saphire G & T...heh...life just sucks sometimes...ya know?...

Tonight, I have friends coming over for a Pool-shooting-lie-athon...so, expect to hear about how I got my ass beat at shooting pool later tonight....and how I whipped ass at being the best liar of the bunch...

Anyway, enough of that crap....I just got an e-mail from a Blogger Who Shall Remain Nameless....due to her teetotal tendencies....;)....and it fit me right down to the ground....so...if you've seen this posted elsewhere, don't tell me..I don't care....if you have NOT seen this posted elsewhere...or at LEAST gotten it in your e-mail from a friend....then you have no friends, and probably need to get out more and quit reading blogs...so...here it is....the list of TRUE friendship...feel free to add more if you feel froggy...

Here it is, a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!

1. When you are sad, ... I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, ... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, ... I'll know you finally got some .

4. When you are scared, ... I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, ... I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, ... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed if you can only think of two, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

and the KICKER is that the Bloggeress who sent me this ended the e-mail with...."Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel!"...now, how cool is THAT?!

2nd Time, shame on ME..

Fresh from Chicago.....a tale of intrigue, crime, BMWs, emergency rooms, firearm rights, and popping goblins...what more could you ask for?

Second time unlucky for burglar
Wed 31 December, 2003 08:07

CHICAGO (Reuters) - A burglar who was wounded while breaking into a Chicago suburb home drove himself to the hospital in his intended victim's BMW that he had probably stolen the night before, police say.

The 31-year-old burglar, who let himself into the home on Monday night with keys he had apparently stolen on Sunday night, suffered two gunshot wounds and escaped by diving through a plate glass window.

Police, who arrested him at the hospital, said his wounds were not life-threatening.

The homeowner who shot the burglar may also be in trouble. The 54-year-old father of two lives in Wilmette, Illinois, a posh Chicago suburb that bans handgun ownership. For the gun, he could face a fine of up to $750

No Love in China...

Interesting IDEA...a little hard to enforce, I'd say...

Chinese ping-pong chief bans 'falling in love'

The Chinese national table tennis head coach has banned his squad from "falling in love" before the Olympics later this year.

The announcement comes after coach Cai Zhenhua kicked out the players - three women and a man - because he said the romances were affecting their performance and training, according to the South China Morning Post.

Cai told the team: "This year is an Olympic year. .....as athletes you have to make every sacrifice that is required for your team."

....I'm all for patriotism....but...giving up lovin' is a bit extreme....I believe I'd have to tell them where they could stick their medal....

Hong Kong's "People's Champion"

Seriously....I'm not making THIS up....

An escaped crocodile which ran loose on the Hong Kong-China border for more than two months has baeen named Hong Kong's Personality Of The Year 2003.

The 1.5-metre crocodile, believed to be an escaped pet, beat a host of politicians and celebrities to win the contest on government-run radio station RTHK.

Australian crocodile hunter John Lever and a team of experts from China have failed in repeated high-profile attempts to trap the creature since early November.

The crocodile won nearly 36% of the online vote, ahead of Hong Kong hospital workers in collective second place with 25%.

Hong Kong leader Tung Chee-hwa attracted less than 5% of the vote.

Well?..Say SOMETHING...

This is the site....new and improved....if something doesn't work, let me know....if you love it, let me know...if you hate it, me, the color, the smell, or something else..ferrets excluded....as much as I hate to say it...let me know....

Here are a few bits of important info...

*If you are viewing this site in 800X600 resolution, in Internet Explorer, click View, Text Size, and choose SMALL...

*or..alternatively, click on the little button below my ugly photo that says "View Old Format"...this will take you to a new page that is formatted differently..

*If you are running 1024X768, you should be viewing this site as God intended it...and it should look pretty good....

Many thanks goes out to The Bartender and Pam from Hammerhead Designs...those two rock, baby...so, feel free to go on over there and have a look around...

Ferret Propaganda...

Well, ladies and gentlemen....I stand before you tonight...a humbled man....I've lived these 30-odd years...some of them VERY odd...and only NOW do I realize that I have been a purveyor of "Ferret Propaganda"....and for this, I will be ashamed for the rest of my days....I posted a while back about Ben Stiller getting mauled by a ferret....after he'd been running down the street with it, it got pissed off...he stopped to give a girl a kiss, and the varmint bit him....I reported it...as it was reported on Ananova.com...and suddenly, I am the arch-nemesis of ferret owners...gimme a break here, people.....heh...sorry...I have nothing against ferrets...as a matter of fact, I have no regard for them either....one could almost say that I go MONTHS without even the tiniest THOUGHT of a ferret entering my mind....so, please quit commenting about a FACTUAL news article posted WEEKS ago....you are causing ferret thoughts to dance around in my brain....and that is the LAST thing I need.......move on, people....peace be upon you....

Oh...and for you guys who read this stuff...you might want to check their comments...personally, I had no idea that people who owned ferrets used terms like "Ferret Propaganda"....

Having A Slow Day?

Well...I just got back from the store...I had to get the Wife a late Christmas present...THIS little baby....she loves it...it's in the kitchen charging right now....THEN the fun will begin...I'll give it a week...maybe two....before she starts using that damn thing as a coaster...or paperweight....I guess it depends on which room she leaves it in....

Anyway, I've had a bit of a surf around the blogosphere today, and it looks like things are a little slow....people still haven't recovered from the Holidays, I guess....well, listen up...2003 is GONE...this is a NEW YEAR....get off your asses and BLOG!...ain't no one gonna do it for ya, you know....so....enough pep talk...I figured a nice motivational song might get you all in the correct mood to blog like demons.....so, I thought of a little Thorogood song that always make ME drive a little faster....so...bored?...tired?....suicidal?....turn your speakers up...and CLICK HERE....boogie, chillun...now, get back to bloggin'....

Update...I just realized that some of you will want to sing along...so, here are the lyrics...;)

On the night I arrived my daddy said "Sakes Alive,
He's the meanest one that we've had yet!"
Teethed on tin and weened on gin
I was nobody's teacher's pet
I grew up rough and mean in my early teens
And I didn't want to go to school
I called no man "Sir" and work was a dirty word
My biggest kick was breakin' the rules

Now when you see me comin', get away
The one's that didn't ain't around today
The sweetest piece of lovin' any girl ever had
I'm here to tell ya boys I was born to be bad
Born, born to be bad
I was born, born to be bad

Now when I reached 21 I had that ole ramblin' itch
Breakin' little girls hearts I tore the world apart
A guitar-playin' son of a...

Born to be bad
That's the story of my life
Yeah, doin' things wrong is my way of doin' things right

Now when I'm gray and old and my story's told
I know what the people will say
They'll be glad to see me go
But the little girls will know
I was bad til my dyin' day

So when you see me comin', get away
The one's that didn't ain't around today
The sweetest piece of lovin' any girl ever had
I'm here to tell ya boys I was born to be bad
Born, born to be bad
I was born, born to be bad

Now when I'm old and gray and I've had my day
I know what the people will do
They'll be glad to see me go
But the little girls will know
I was bad til the day I was through

So when you see me comin', get away
The one's that didn't ain't around today
The sweetest piece of lovin' any girl ever had
I'm here to tell ya boys I was born to be bad
Born, born to be bad
I was born, born to be bad

Beta Testing

HEY!....for those of you who had problems with my previous site...go over HERE and look at it...if you have any problems, note them in the comments section...The Bartender will fix you right up....if no one comments, then I don't want to hear your bitching over HERE when something doesn't work...;^)

go HERE now...or live with the consequences...heh...

Listen UP, Readers...

I know that half of you only read my site for the cheap Robert Service poems....and the OTHER half only want to see more gun pics...so...these two facts mean that you guys and gals...

1. Like the Wilderness..
2. Like good rhyme schemes...
3. Like guns
4. Like gun pictures...

So...the way I look at it..you people are PERFECT for going over HERE and helping my buddy choose a weapon for his home....so, go and help him out....

Stand BY...

Okey dokey....sorry for all the confusion with the site...don't worry, the new-and-improved-kickass-version will be back up shortly....Pam and the Bartender are GREAT, and I can't wait to get the new site finished...so, in the mean time, you're all just going to have to make due with the old look....actually...I ALREADY miss looking at the custom SWG glassware....

So...for the next few days, you are going to see a lot of construction going on...bear with us...;)

How Cool is THIS..

Yeah, baby.....THIS is cool....

"PASADENA, California (AP) -- A speeding spacecraft has entered the bright halo of dust and gas surrounding a shimmering comet, where NASA hopes it will snag and return to Earth less than a thimbleful of primitive leftovers from the formation of our solar system.

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration said its Stardust spacecraft could pass within 186 miles of the comet Wild 2 on Friday while flying through the gossamer cloud that envelops the dirty ball of ice and rock. "

I suppose the main question is...will it survive going through the tail of the comet?..

Construction Zone

Good morning....please watch your step around here...make sure you have your hardhat on....and don't forget your safety glasses....this is a major construction site...and the "management" WILL NOT be held accountable for any on-site injuries that may occur.....

.....for those of you who are having trouble with this site, please post a comment about whatever issue you have...if you don't tell us it is broke, then we can't fix it....

OK, Children....

Here goes....if I fucked this up in a major way, blame someone else, I don't wanna hear your shit...it's NEW YEAR'S EVE for crying out loud... ....and awaaay we gooooooooooooo!!....by the way, if you are looking at this in 800X600 resolution, please commence bitching...hehehehe....so, what do you think??

To Tide You Over..

Seeing as I've been having you all hang around and wait for my site's new clothes...I figured I'd better toss you circling sharks a treat...so...check out this little movie....I think it's a good idea....

Staff Motivation....

Enjoy....and come back later to see the new site...

A Present for New Years..

Well, dear...gentle....sweet readers.....Courtesy of Madfish Willies and Pamibe....via HammerHead Blog Designs....I am proud to announce the following.....a proud presentation of..

"Drunken Eye for the Straight Guy"...

Yep...it is true....I was tied down and forced to look at mauve and floral patterns for DAYS by those two....in the end, they told me to shut the hell up, and they proceeded to change Straight White Website in to something a bit more interesting.....

I love their design...and, it will be coming either today or tomorrow....so, comments, suggestions, etc, etc.. are GREATLY appreciated.....the site is designed to be viewed in 1024 X 768...so, adjust the resolution of your monitor to view it properly....

Once again, a HUGE thank you to Michael and Pam for their Herculean efforts!!

Happy Hogmonay everyone!

Digital Cameras

Remember the days before digital cameras?....not too long ago, eh?....ahhh...modern technology...it seems that every single day we hear of another new modern time-saver, the latest gadget for our pleasure....why, just yesterday, I was over at The Smoking Toaster...where I read about Bitterman's new wireless experience...of course, the fact that he was graphically describing his "situation" while he was using his new wireless device was a bit disturbing...it was a good story anyway...which, brings me in a round about way to my point about digital cameras...

Back in the days before digital cameras and the internet....I think we were a very repressed people...I heard someone say once, that the Internet had "set us free"...well, they were right...."set us free" from just what, I don't know...but it sure sounds good....as a matter of fact, the only thing that immediately leaps to mind is that the invention of the digital camera has allowed us to take photographs that we normally wouldn't have DARED to take....I mean...we've ALL waited at the photo counter in Wal-Mart and waited for some attendant to hand us our little pile of freshly developed holiday snaps....but.....with a DIGITAL camera, you don't have to WORRY about little Johnny at Wal-Mart seeing your "15th Anniversary Photos"...you know the ones....the ones of that trip you two took to Bermuda?....and that night, after too many Zombies? On the beach? Right there under the stars?....No one around except you, your Darling Wife...and your new digital camera that your 14 year old son bought for the occasion?....Ladies and Gentlemen....THAT is a recipe for disaster....

Here is the deal....ok.....Dad is gonna get home...download those onto his PC....you can see where this is headed, right?.....Momma is in the kitchen cooking dinner for the 14 year old......and Daddy is alone....in a room...with a computer filled with amateur porn of him and his wife on a beach in Bermuda...doing things that only a bad 70's soundtrack should accompany....and he's got an internet connection to the world....

Well....I'll just leave the rest up to your imagination....I'm sure you get the...uh...picture, right?....so, in conclusion...what exactly has the invention of the Internet and Digital Cameras freed us from?....I don't know....I really and truly don't......but it sure as HELL makes the Internet an interesting place.....and don't EVEN get me started on webcams...DAMN!

You're Nothing But a Big LEWINSKY!

there....feel offended?....yeah, I didn't think so...but SHE is....and she went crying to the COPS.....man....people get their feelings hurt tooooooo damn easy these days....so the hell WHAT?...it's JUST a name....if all you have to worry about is someone calling you a name, then you are doing preeeeety damn good...there are a LOT of other things to worry about.....of course, calling someone "Monica", and then mentioning a cigar is a bit much for any civilized man...it may not be illegal...but it is offensive....he certainly deserves a good smack, but not by the courts....

KINGSTON, N.Y. -- Is it sexual harassment to call a young woman Monica Lewinsky?

The court has reinstated a sexual harassment lawsuit filed by former student Inbal Hayut against her professor. Hayut charged her professor at the State University of New York at New Paltz repeatedly compared her looks to former White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

The suit claims political science professor Alex Young called Hayut "Monica" in class and once told her that he would give her a cigar later. It was an apparent reference to allegations that President Bill Clinton used a cigar as a sex toy with Lewinsky.

Young hasn't denied the charges. A lower court had tossed out the case, saying the professor's comments were offensive, but not harassment.

Spike Milligan....My Hero..

As a youngster, I was blissfully ignorant of the existence of Spike Milligan and the Goon Squad...after all, "British Humor" was not something that was found readily at the local backwoods library....nor did my Mother and Father have a huge collection of Monty Python records which they dragged out every other Friday night...so...I cut my teeth on "American Humor"...The Gong Show still rings in my mind as the absolute pinnacle of American Civilization...Mr. Barris, you rule....

...but...then I arrived in Scotland....Python, of course, was everyone's obsession...Blackadder, however, was my personal favorite....something about Baldrick and his "cunning plans"...but I can't quite pin it down....

Anyway, there were lots of crazy British shows that I came to love...Father Ted was incredible....Tommy Cooper..who I am SURE that Fozzy Bear was impersonating....Jeeves and Wooster was a perfect combination of wit and aristocracy..which is quite uncommon in Britain....and then, Spike Milligan....who wrote one of my very favorite poems...I have absolutely no idea what it means...but, I love it all the same....

On the Ning Nang Nong, by Spike Milligan...

On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
and the monkeys all say BOO!
There's a Nong Nang Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots jibber jabber joo.
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the mice go Clang
And you just can't catch 'em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning
Trees go ping
Nong Ning Nang
The mice go Clang
What a noisy place to belong
is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!!

Heh..have a nice night, kiddies....

Anyone seen Fluffy?

No?....well, if you live in JAVA, then Fluffy ain't coming back anytime soon....why?....because Fluffy is being DIGESTED....by THIS....

JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) -- Indonesian villagers claim to have captured a python that is almost 49.21 feet (15 meters) long and weighs nearly 992.07 pounds (450 kilograms), a local official said Monday.

..and, of course....

Republika said the snake, which was caught last year but only recently put on public display, eats three or four dogs a month.

Reticulated pythons are the world's longest snakes. They are capable of eating animals as large as sheep, and have been known to attack and consume humans

Eric's Movie Review..

Over the weekend.....the Wife and I watched Anger Management....

...man....that movie spoke to me on so many levels....I was moved...I was touched....it made me want another Martini....

...thanks, thanks....I appreciate it....you have just witnessed Eric's FIRST EVER Movie Review....

In the name of all that's HOLY!

Dear Lord.....please....just shoot me now...

"William Shatner has recorded a new album featuring a guest appearance by US punk legend Henry Rollins.

Shatner, who played Captain James T Kirk in the original TV series of Star Trek, has also enlisted Joe Jackson and US country star Brad Paisley to guest on the album.

The album will be produced by Ben Folds, leader of the Ben Folds Five, reports the New York Post.

Shatner is generally acknowledged as having recorded the worst ever version of a Beatles' song.

He released his spoken word cover of Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds in 1968."

...dammit...it's TRUE....HERE is a link to the story...I'd give someone a dollar to assasinate TALK to Shatner before he can complete this heinous crime....Cap'n Kirk....we just CANNAE take much MOOOOOOORE!!

Spirituality...taken to a whole new level..

No comment....

Nigerian herbalist shot dead as anti-bullet charm fails
Dec 17, 2003

LAGOS (AFP) - A traditional doctor in central Nigeria has been shot dead by a patient who was testing the potency of an anti-bullet charm the herbalist had prepared for him, police told AFP.

Ashi Terfa died when patient Umaa Akor fired a gun at his head two weeks ago in south-central Benue state, police spokesman Bode Fakeye said Wednesday.

"Akor went for an insurance against bullets and contacted Terfa to prepare it for him," he said.

"To confirm its efficacy, the herbalist tied the charm around his neck and insisted that Akor should fire a gun at him. The experiment proved fatal for the herbalist and his skull was shattered," he added. "He died immediately".

Fakeye said the suspect had appeared in court for culpable homicide, but had been release on bail.

"The motive to kill could not be established against the suspect since the herbalist asked him to shoot to test the charm," he added.

The belief in withcraft and charms is rife in Africa.

Now THIS is a Cool Judge..

"Man cleared after calling policeman 'asshole'

A Norwegian man escaped punishment for calling a policeman an asshole after a court ruled the insult was coarse but not illegal.

Indre Sogn county court decided police officers should be able to deal with such abuse and acquitted the man.

The officer at the centre of the incident said the man terrorised him during a late night call to his home, reports Nettavisen.

The 42-year-old man reportedly told the officer: "I think you are an asshole. Have a nice evening."

The officer wanted the man sentenced because he said he engaged in "scary or annoying behaviour or other inconsiderate behaviour which violated another person's peace".

However the judge disagreed and cleared the defendant, saying: "It is publicly known that the description asshole has been used in public on a high political level without it having any legal consequences."

sorry....hehehe...I just thought it was funny....sounds like that cop IS an asshole idiot....

Pencil-thin Moustache

I swear...sometimes you just can't make this crap up....

"Serial robber uses pencil-drawn moustache as disguise

The FBI are hunting a bank robber who's struck eight times this year with only a pencil-drawn moustache as a disguise.

The man's latest raid was in the city of Saint Paul, Minnesota, where he robbed a branch of the Retail Employees Credit Union for the second time in three months."

....now....I don't want to be busting on people from Minnesota....but, DAMN....

Happy Holidays and Stuff...

Run over to Velociman's blog and give him a quick poke....He's almost there, and every little contribution helps...after all, 'Tis the Season to give....

Dazed and TOTALLY confused...

Alright, dammit...anyone got a friggin' CLUE about blogshares?....I was asked to sign up for it by a reader, and now, I'm 100% lost....even worse, I was gifted some shares by a blog....and I can't READ it....people...have mercy on me....gimme me a holiday helping hand.........

here is the SITE that I was gifted with their shares....anyone speak this language?....I'm sure there has to be some motivated 2675s..or other intel linguists out there who can help out.....so...c'mon...give a poor. old, broke-down, stock-inept jarhead a break....after all...it IS the season of giving...heh...Hillbilly, you work on wallstreet, right?....Blackfive? Didn't you get some language courses during your SF training?...Geoffrey? I know you're listed on blogshares too.....damn....maybe I'm just out of luck....help me out here, guys....trading stock and foriegn languages don't mix well....they are too similar...

You Never Know...

I just found THIS TEST over at Acidman's.....I scored 9 out of 10......I'm not sure if that is good or bad...however, I expect good things from my readers...I know that some of you are going to do VERY well on this test....great minds think alike, after all....

The Second Time...

This is sobering.....He's right, of course.....how many of us WILL turn into Mr. Random Nuke Man?.......whatever happens....we need to keep 9/11 in our minds daily....I know it is painful to remember, but it happened....it'll happen again, as well.....I wish he wasn't, but I believe Mr. Paine is right...we've been through our "Baptism of Fire"....but, I'm afraid we've got more coming before we achieve Victory...

Interesting Stuff...

Cool Info #1.
Well, I just thought I'd let you all know something about the blog....I just got my 660th comment...now...before you go getting all excited and everything...the reason I put this up is because I put up my 220th post this morning....COOL....I'm no math genius, but it looks kinda like I average 3 comments per post...THANKS to everyone..

Cool Info #2
Geoffrey has just got the coolest hit I've ever seen on a website....heh...good luck in jail, man...you'll be missed....

Blogroll Update

Well, I just finished reading "Red Cavalry" by Isaac Babel....and, I immediately went over to The Politburo Diktat and blogrolled the dude....ahhhh Comrade....how blind I have been....let us share some vodka, da?

...hell....as long as we've got some vermouth and a couple of olives, it'll still be ok...right?....I mean...a Martini is still a capitalist icon, right?.....

Also added was Gasolinesuit....her site just recently started registering on my radar screen.....she's pretty awesome....so...go and check her out...especially THIS POST....it's a good'un....

And, lastly, Smoke on the Water.....one helluva site....new, but very interesting...If I could live the Jimmy Buffett lifestyle, I'd drop everything in a minute...this guy seems to have that...

An Ordinary Man...

Jack at Random Fate is remembering his Father....I know exactly what he means...Go now, and read....

Don has a cunning plan..

Anger Management has been putting a lot of thought into the subject of oral gratification lately....and now, he has A PLAN......

Power TOOL, Baby...

Screw you too.....and I mean that in the NICEST possible way...

HEH!....

PRESENTS

I love presents....and KEY is handing them out to a select few!...so, go on over and see what she got ME this year...heh....fluffy muffins.....my favorite.....mmmmm...muffins.....

NEVER..

..ever...EVER...underestimate the power of music.....my Brother just called....he pointed me towards "Here Without You" by Three Doors Down....damn....what pain....what loss...what hope....what need....what a great fucking song....thanks, Joshua...thank you, Brother...

A Sinatra Night...

Well....I had a great day at work today...until just before closing....then, it went to shit....anyway, so it goes, I suppose...but, as usual, my drive back home is always relaxing and enjoyable...country roads....the promise of Scotch at the end of the trail....and music to listen to during the drive....today, I started off with George Thorogood....but, I just wasn't in the mood...so...over to disc 1 in the changer....yeah...that'll do JUST fine....Sinatra & the Ratpack....I clicked through the songs till I got to number 10...."My First Affair"....one word..day-um...now THAT is a song...anyway....I put it on repeat, and listened to it all the way home....now, it is in my PC, and he's STILL singing it.....so, for those of you who are uninitiated to this song....HERE IT IS....and, I'm putting the lyrics down below so you can sing along as Frank croons....awww...c'mon...."please be kind"....

Well, this is my first affair, so please be kind
Handle my heart with care, please be kind
This is all so grand, my dreams are on parade
You'll just understand, they'll never, never fade

Tell me your love's sincere, please be kind
Tell me I needn't fear, please be kind
'cause if you leave me, dear, I know my heart will lose its mind
If you love me, please be kind

This is my first affair, please be kind
Handle my heart with care, and please be kind

And handle my heart with care, so please be kind
Tell me I needn't fear, and please be kind
'cause if you leave me, dear, I know my heart will lose its mind
If you love me, baby, please be kind

Last week, I was fixated on Dean Martin's "Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter"....I get that way sometimes, I suppose....

WHOOO HOOO!!!! FINALLY!!

A petition for us ALL!!

GO HERE NOW!!

Big Cities

I like living in the country....I like living in a small town....I like the fact that going to Starbucks for coffee is a BIG DEAL because the nearest one is 45 minutes away....however....it is the smaller things that sometimes remind me of why I like living in the sticks....like, for instance...

hmmm.....the fact that...in MY small town.... WE'D NOTICE IF A GUY WAS DEAD ON OUR STREET CORNER....

THIS is why I don't like crowds of people....don't get me wrong...I LOVE visiting big cities and becoming one of the unknowns wandering around with the herd..seeing the sights, taking in a night at the theatre, or a good meal somewhere.....but, after a visit, I want to come back to the rural life....

Pool and Pizza

Well....I have company coming over tonight....so, shooting pool, drinking Scotch, and eating Pizza is the order of the evening....sorry, ladies and gentlemen....I have to go and be the good host....I'll be back later tonight with the results of my butt-kicking session....or, more than likely, to let you know how I got slaughtered on my own table...anyway, go over to my blogroll and check out some of them....they are always entertaining...G'night, gentle readers..

Once Again....

As I have said MANY times on this site...people will steal anything...and I mean ANYTHING.....

NEW CITY, New York (AP) -- The Grinch stole Christmas, and now someone has stolen the Grinch.

and...

"They're light, easy to deflate and easy to take," he told The Journal News. He said similar Halloween-themed decorations were taken in October, but he believes the thieves are more likely mischievous children than an organized network.

hehee....at least we can be safe in the knowledge that it is not an "organized network" of thieves who steal weird shit, I suppose.....

Ben Stiller is ATTACKED!!

heheheheh.....HERE it is...

""He did this crazy turn around thing and he literally attached himself to my chin and then he didn't let go. He was holding onto my chin. I had to get a rabies shot. I didn't provoke him at all.

"Their teeth are sharp, like razors. I mean they're rat-like creatures. It was a horrible experience."

well, that's what you GET for being near one of those smelly beasts anyway...and, of course, this is a good quote...

Stiller said: "I didn't do anything I swear. We were doing this final scene where I come running after Jennifer and I'm holding the ferret.

...note to Mr. Stiller....don't RUN while holding a ferret....it's liable to piss it off....and then, when you stop running, that pissed off ferret is gonna bite you...

OK...time for THE NEWS...

I'm sure that we ALL have heard that "Fellatio reduces risk of breast cancer"...of course, it was all in jest....just some College humor..

..and, what about "Ogling Breasts Makes Men Live Longer."??...yep, another hoax...well intended, BOTH of them...heh...but untrue all the same....

so, we come to "Oral Sex Makes Pregnancies Safer"...which, of course, IS true...heh...oh yeah....read it and weep, ladies....

"The explanation? Semen contains a growth factor that helps persuade a mother's immune system to accept sperm. Regular exposure before pregnancy helps her immune system get used to her partner's sperm.

As for the link to cancer, it's just possible that semen could have some effect on cancer of the cervix or ovaries. There's research showing oral delivery of TGFbeta (transforming growth factor beta), one of the key molecules in semen, can increase the number and activity of "natural killer" cells that are important in recognising and killing aberrant cells that give rise to tumours."

and, not to be missed in this article...is THIS little bit of clinical wisdom...

"Regular ejaculation, through sex or masturbation, may prevent carcinogens accumulating in the prostate gland, the researchers suggest."...

..uh....excuse me for a bit....

Suzi's Got a Point...

Suzi over at Diary Date is asking questions about the Red Cross....which has suddenly become interested in the humane treatment of murdering bastard Hussein....hmmm....maybe you should focus more on helping his VICTIMS...

"Goody goody for them. Where in heck were they, and all the other human rights organizations, when Hussein was brutalizing, torturing, shredding and thowing his people into mass graves? "

Now THIS is FAST..

I figured somone would start cashing in on this..but DAMN, this is quick!

The Hero Builders have a series of figures including Hussein, George W Bush and a Tony Blair doll called Talking British Ally, for sale.

The 12-inch Saddam figure, with an Ace of Spades t-shirt costs $29.95 (£18), plus packaging and postage.

The website also has an action figure of Saddam with a moustache, which can be fitted with S&M gear at an extra charge.

man, you just GOTTA love Capitalism....heh...

Barbies Uncovered..oooh yeah..

Well, I must say....after visiting THIS site, .....and seeing the state of "Sorority Slut Barbie", I am deeply depressed that I never spent very long in a University....

Sex and the Hillbilly

Well, as most of you know by now...sex, alcohol, poetry, sex, masturbation, military history, sex, and jokes are just about all that I talk about around here...so, THIS link to the Wandering Hillbilly shouldn't surprise you any at all...

"the long slow seduckshun of emily dickinsen smith taught me lots more bout sex n deesire. by time we finely dun the deed, we knew a lot bout each other n had talked a lot bout sex."

go forth, young'uns...and suckle at the teat of knowledge...Age and Experience over Youth and Enthusiasm ANY day....especially when it comes to rack-time...

You have GOT to be joking..

I couldn't believe my EYES when I read this headline....

"OPEC wants aid if world shifts to renewable energies"

You want AID? Yeah right...You keep your people down, and harbor terrorists with all that oil money...and, with the threat of that black gold possibly becoming irrelevant, you start whining about AID? You've held us over a barrel for too long already....you've held too much influence, and gotten away with too much already....you want aid? Piss off....

Written in the Cards...

As today's story unfolded...I watched FOX news....I read blogs..Hell, I even did my little Mick Jaggeresque happy dance in my living room......and, then, I remembered that Blackfive had something to say about this MONTHS ago....so, I wrote and asked him....and, sure enough, he had a "Happy Day" post back in October.....to quote....

"Ah, the only thing to make me happier would be for Saddam to be found on top of a stockpile of nerve agent. That and Osamma to be found with an SF bullet in his head. "

Sadly, Matt was only half right....soon, we WILL find out about the stockpile of Nerve Agent....but, we DIDN'T hear about the SF round to the head....why?....noooooo, not because some SF operative didn't pull the trigger...but, INSTEAD because Saddam was too worried about HIS ass being capped by the MORE than capable SF guys who had surrounded him....martyr, my ass...jihadist? Gimme a fucking break....my Mom's little weiner dog SOPHIE has more fucking nads than that prick......"So what, he was DISORIENTATED!!"....heh...just wait till he's had 72 hours with OUR Intel Services.....wanna talk about being DISORIENTATED.....heh...he'll be telling our troops just EXACTLY how many French Mirages were sent to his gov AFTER the 1991 UN Resolution.....THEN we'll see just which country has been violating UN Resolutions....bastards....and as for Osama? Well, if he isn't a damn DNA smear on a cave wall in Afghanistan, then I hope that THIS story lets him know EXACTLY what is in store for his murdering, sheep fucking ass....

HOT DAMN!

THIS is the best Sunday headline EVER.....

We Got Him...

""Ladies and gentleman, we got him," L. Paul Bremer announced Sunday. The announcement was greeted with cheers from the audience. "

Saddam Hussein, the Butcher of Baghdad, has been caught scurrying around in a dirt cellar like the common ratbastard that he is...Today is a good day for Iraqis, and indeed, for all freedom-loving people all over the world..

Oh, and I heard it HERE first...thanks, BST....

HA!!! Merry Christmas!!

I am #2 on the AOL Search for "cruel joke santa pic"...BHWHAAHAHAH, now, I ask you, gentle readers...How cool is THAT?

Another Damn Quiz...

Steroid
You are a steroid. You're a special kind of
inter-nuclear hormone and have direct,
immediate effects on the near future; you are
pumped up, ready to go, and excite the people
around you into action. You can also cause
cancer.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Alright...hat tip to LeeAnn over at The Cheese Stands Alone for this one..damn....imagine...sitting here, minding my own damn business, and THEN I find out I have a personality that causes cancer....just what I needed...Merry Christmas to YOU too....

Hang On...

Well, I'm still alive....but, I've got company on the way, and they are aiming to kick some ass on the pool table...so, I'm heading out into the garage to defend my honor for a while...but, I WILL be back to blogging tonight...promise...

In the mean time, check out some of the links on my blogroll, kiddies...

LeeAnn ALWAYS has something interesting to tell us...

James reminds me of where I'd like to be right now...HUNTING.....

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy gives us a grammar lesson.....

Dax got FIRED, and is loving every minute of it...lucky guy....

And, O'Donnell shows us some of his hideous old websites....

Well, they are here...so, I'll be back later to either gloat or whimper about the results of tonight's pooltablefest....

G'night..

I haven't done much bloggin today...OR yesterday....but, two large Scotch and Waters...and Two LARGE pills my sainted wife has given me seem to have done the trick....and, I am no longer ABLE to blog...g'night...see you in the morning...sorry......have to go sneeze into my pillow now....heh....I'll be back telling dirty jokes in the AM...never fear...G'night....

This Sucks

Well...the Christmas party was a blast....I got to sit at a table that was alive with intellgent conversation and witty commentary...unfortunately, none of it was delivered by me...but the friendship displayed was refreshing...on a lighter note, someone had managed to find a bottle of Johnny Walker....hey, any port in a storm, right?....so, I nursed a few of those, and just picked at my gorgeous plate of prime rib....a few of the ladies were dressed to the nines, and a couple of them were real knockouts...so, there was ample eye-candy to go along with the soothing drinks....I managed to stumble home about 10pm last night with a slice of incredible chocolate cake for the missus - which she adores....so, all in all, even in spite of flu...a good time was had by all.....but, right NOW is a different matter.....I'm going to go to bed in a few hours, and try to do what an old wise woman told me once....

"the best cure for a cold is half a bottle of Wild Turkey.....after that, you don't CARE if you are sick"..

Miss Ugly??

Well, THIS certainly is a new take on the whole beauty pageant world...

"The winner of China's Miss Ugly competition has beaten to 50 rivals to clinch £7,000 worth of cosmetic surgery.

Zhang Di, 26, won on the basis that her appearance would most benefit from plastic surgery.

"My small eyes, flat nose and poor skin have been such a burden to me," she said."

Company Christmas Party

Sorry for the lack of blogging today...been busy at work, down with a cold, and NOW I've gotta go and attend the Company Christmas Party...so, with head pounding, and nose rubbed raw, I just finished ironing my shirt and picking out a tie...believe me, I'd much rather be sitting in the blogroom drinking Scotch and nursing this cold...and bloggin' like mad tonight...instead of dragging my sorry ass out to a limited alcohol shindig....but...dammit....duty calls...I might post again tonight when I get back...otherwise, please accept my humble excuse, and come back in the morning....

Christmas..

Well, I WAS going to put up the tree...but, the wife is still in bed and doesn't seem quite ready to get up yet...so...I guess putting up the tree will have to wait till after lunch...no biggie...I wasn't really that enthusiastic about spending three hours decorating it anyway...what I AM enthusiastic about, is making my customary liquid Christmas Cheer..Mulled Wine...I plan on making some for sipping tonight...if you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it...it's pretty easy...and it takes the edge off of decorating the tree....

Ingredients:
750ml of red wine..
35ml of brandy
300ml of water
1 sliced orange
3tblsp of sugar
1/2 sliced lemon
1/4tblsp of cinnamon
6 crushed cloves
1tblsp of nutmeg

...bring this concoction to the boil, reduce heat, and stir for 10 minutes....serve it hot in mugs...good stuff....

Saturday Linkfest...

Parkway Rest Stop has everything you EVER wanted to know about Ketchup...and if it ain't in the post, it's in the comments to his post....

Random Fate has hit the nail on the head with THIS ONE...the word radical is just as evil when applied to the Left or the Right....

Say Anything asks "Where is the Tolerance"...and he's right...

The Dax Files is a proud BLOG-DADDY!....go and visit his blog-son Dicking Around...

Anger Management has an interesting thought....

That's it...I'm going to go drink coffee now and contemplate putting up the Christmas Tree...

My Side of the Story

There's been a lot of commotion over at Acidman's blog....He's picked up the torch that Dax lit with his "Put up or Shut up" post...Acidman is holding a contest to see if we can guess which post isn't his...It is a lot of fun...

However, I just wanted to do a quick post to explain my comments that I gave to Dax at the Jawjuh Blogmeet...which, it seems, has gotten this a bit tangled...

I read my entire blogroll everyday...but, I've only been doing this for a few months, so, there are still a LOT of blogs that I am slowly finding and enjoying. The three first people on my list of "must read everyday", were Acidman, Velociman, and Dax...These three have hugely different styles, and I like them all. They all have a sense of humor, hugely different backgrounds, and a wealth of life experiences that are individual to themselves. They write differently as a result. Anyone who reads those three blogs should be able to identify their "styles" when they are writing as themselves.

Now, it seems that this idea of "identifying a style" has morphed into a "can you copy my style"...it certainly makes you examine their writing in a different light...I guess Imitation is truly the greatest form of flattery....

Uh Oh.....

These damn quizzes...I found this over at Big Stupid Tommy's ....MUAHAHAHHAH....I'm evidently quite Bad....


Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

You are Gaius Caesar Germanicus - better known as Caligula!

Third Emperor of Rome and ruler of one of the most powerful empires of all time, your common name means "little boots". Although you only reigned for four years, brief even by Roman standards, you still managed to garner a reputation as a cruel, extravagant and downright insane despot. Your father died in suspicious circumstances, you were not the intended heir, and one of your first acts as Emperor was to force the suicide of your father-in-law. Your sister Drusilla died that same year; faced with allegations that your relationship with her had been incestuous, you responded, bafflingly, by declaring her a god.

You revived a number of unpopular traditions, including auctions of properties left over from public shows. When a senator fell asleep at one such auction, you took each of his nods as bids, selling him 13 gladiators for a vast sum. You attempted to have your horse, Incitatus, made into a consul and hence one of the most powerful figures in Rome. It was granted a marble stable with jewels and a staff of servants. At one point you forced your comrade Macro to kill himself - in much the same vein as your father-in-law - accusing him of being his wife's pimp. You, of course, were having an affair with said wife at the time.

Things went from bad to worse. When supplies of condemned men ran short in the circus, you had innocent spectators dragged into the arena with the lions to fill their place. You claimed mastery of the sea by walking across a three-mile bridge of boats in the Bay of Naples; kissed the necks of your lovers, whispering sweet nothings like "This lovely neck will be chopped as soon as I say so,"; dallied with your sister's lover and made her pull her unborn child out of her womb prematurely. Towards the end of your reign, you had a golden statue of yourself made and dressed each day in the same clothes you yourself wore. When you eventually died, the terrified people of Rome refused to believe that such a cruel reign could ever end, and believed you to be alive for years afterwards.

DANG!...That is just SCARY....it doesn't even mention handguns or a razor sharp Ka-Bar....now, all I need is a Helen Mirren impersonator....

Holy MILKBONE, Batman!!

They are eating dog food over HERE....heh...and comparing NOTES!! ....

...I ate a grasshopper once....but, somehow, that just doesn't compare....

Fly Me to the Moon...

Space...the Final Frontier....HA!...I have to admit it...I like Star Trek....The idea that we will eventually live in space fills my imagination.....I like the exploration aspect of NASA, and I like the idea of continual invention that is needed for space missions....and, you've got to admit that watching that space shuttle land, or seeing a live video feed from the International Space Station is just plain COOL...So, the President says he wants to have a permanently manned station on the Moon....the Chinese are planning on having a manned Moon mission in the next few years....and NOW, we get an ARTICLE about how we can nip out into space, grab a few chunks of a passing Comet, and bring them back to Earth!....that is truly awe inspiring....space exploration?...yep, I'm for it....

To Indigo...

I can only think of my own personal experiences....two years on a moss-covered, windswept, continually rained on ROCK in the middle of the Bering Sea...and two years in rainly, windswept RAF base in Scotland....we ALWAYS trained in the worst possible weather...

"If it ain't rainin', then we ain't TRAININ" was the ubiquitous motto of the day...

other than that explanation...maybe a bored jarhead is a dangerous thing...so..."keep'em busy" springs to mind too....

One Thing I Don't Miss

I lived in Scotland for almost 10 years....I loved the country, and the people...the climate sometimes left a bit to be desired, but even THAT had it's moments...In a way, I miss my friends and family that I left over there...phone calls and e-mails are good, but they do NOT make up for a good night of boozing down at The Caledonian Bar....but, one thing I do NOT miss is their penchant for doing things like THIS....

"Mr Rose, a former Coldstream Guardsman with a 21-year unblemished record in the Prison Service, is claiming unfair dismissal.

The Norwich hearing was told that on Nov 15, 2001, he threw some keys into a metal chute at the prison gatehouse. When someone said it sounded as if he had thrown them so hard that they were going through the tray at the bottom of the chute, Mr Rose said: "There's a photo of Osama bin Laden there."

Peter McKinnon, another prison officer, told him to be quiet because two Asian women wearing headscarves and an Asian man were at the window of the gatehouse."

OK. If telling someone that he'd like to punch Osama, or hit him with a pair of keys a few months after 9/11 offends someone, then THEY need to be hit with more than a pair of keys..that murdering bastard deserves to be hunted down and killed...which, incidentally, seems to be taking place right now...I hope we catch that maggot soon....or better yet, I hope we identify him from a DNA sample taken from a shit-stained cave wall that a Daisycutter had just hit....He is a murderer and a terrorist...and I really don't CARE who that offends....thank GOD I'm back in America now..otherwise, it looks like I might have lost my JOB if I'd said this back in the UK...

Hat tip to Right Wing News and Tongue Tied for the article...

Santa Caught Redhanded!!

Fresh from my buddy in Alaska.....Here is the evidence of what Santa does with the Reindeer that CAN'T fly....

...PETA Alert...

Fresh in from a hunt, authorities apprehend Santa after he culls his quota of the rare Alaskan Flightless Caribou....

P.S....this isn't Actually Santa...it's Keith from the North Slope of Alaska...thanks, Matt....

HORRIBLE Joke of the Day

If I were you, I wouldn't even spend the time to read it...you've been warned.....Heh....

The foreman at the sawmill wasn't very eager to hire the blind man because of the obvious dangers and risks involved.

But the guy begged for a chance to work: "You'll see," he said. "Just put me downstream of the saw and I'll smell the type and length of the lumber and stack it accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to let him try out for the job.

The blind man positioned himself by the conveyor and signaled the foreman, who then sent down a twelve-foot piece of pine.

"Ah-hah!" said the man, breathing deeply, "pine, twelve-foot!" He then stacked it in place.

The foreman repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mahogany, and the guy didn't miss once.

Then, getting a sly look on his face, the foreman sent for the office secretary, old Mabel, and told her to hike up her skirt and ride down the conveyor belt.

Mabel, laying face-up, rode right past the perplexed blind man.

Sniffing furiously and looking very puzzled, he asked that the last piece of wood be sent through again.

The foreman complied, but not before telling Mabel, skirt still hiked, to turn over, butt-up.

Mabel, once again, rode right past the still perplexed blind man.

After a few moments of reflection, the blind man turned to the foreman with a triumphant smile: "I've got it!" he proclaimed.

"Well?" questioned the foreman.

"It's a five-foot shithouse door from a tuna boat!"

The Onion does it Again..

....Antebellum Island....

"In casting the show, we looked for people who displayed adaptability, good judgment, and impeccable hospitality," Davies said. "But we wanted to let the contestants' personalities shape the show. We didn't just look to fill the typical slots: plantation owner, houseboy, carpetbagger, and Uncle Tom."

Executives were reluctant to reveal the themes for Antebellum's weekly competitions, but said contests might include skeet shooting, quilting bees, formal-dress cotillions, and working at a textile factory on the west side of the island for the entire show's duration with no chance at the $1 million prize."

Joke of the Day..

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Ladino, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs." Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us." I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours.' "Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, 'Mr. Pope, we're staying right here.'" And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe. "He took out his lunch so I took
out mine."

I'm Curious...

....ok...THIS story gives you just enough information get you interested....and then leaves you with nothing but questions....like....why was this guy running?...just don't get it...

"BEIJING: A stark naked man ran the streets of northeast China's freezing Changchun city for five hours before being taken in for a dressing down at the police station, state media reported on Tuesday.

The runner impressed onlookers not just by enduring sub-zero temperatures so well, but also by being fit enough to run barefoot around the city for most of Monday morning, the Beijing Morning Post said.

When he finally stopped it was not out of exhaustion, but because a police patrol made him, wrapping him in a coat and taking him to the nearest station, according to the paper.

The man is being held at a mental hospital."

Pink Chihuahua?

A guy steals a woman's dog...a chihuahua...sheesh....anyway...he then DYES IT PINK to try to disguise it....wow....

"Susan Leong stopped at nothing to find the man who stole her dog. She called police, she offered a $1,000 reward, she even hired a private investigator.

This week, thanks largely to her own persistence and sleuthing, Leong has her dog back. It's now pink, the result of an odd attempt by the thief to disguise it, but it's still her pet."

People will steal ANYTHING.....

OK..so, I admit it....

I'm here, once again, listening to music..I love hearing it.....ten points and a batch of homemade Macaroon Cookies goes out to the person that can name this tune..guessing closes by daybreak, EST.

"If dreams were thunder..
and lightining was desire..
this ole house woulda burnt down
a long time ago"...

just kidding on the cookies....unless you send me your address...then, I will..after all, I'll be hosting Luuk before you know it.....I can't wait to get the little guy's photo made on the "Southern Belle" in Chattanooga....anyway.....Helen is back...and I mean BACK...

Dax has a Competition!!

A few months ago, at the Acidman's Jawjuh Blogmeet in Dahlonega, I made the drunken remark to Dax and Adam that when Velociman was guest bloggin for Gutrumbles, I could tell it was him....now, Dax goes and challenges us all to put our money where our mouth is, and guess the bloggers by their works...so, go on over and visit the Dax Files, and see if you can guess who said what by how they said it....good fun...really....now, GIT...what...you still here?

In the Mood...

I've been sittin' here listening to Sinatra sing "One for my Baby"...you know the one...."And one more for the road...".....dang, I think I'm starting to depress myself..."drop another nickel....in the machine"....maybe posting a poem will help?....ahhh....I'll give it a try anyway...


To the Virgins, to make much of Time

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime,
You may for ever tarry.

Robert Herrick

...nope...dammit....that didn't help...I think I just need to stop listening to this song....

Indigo Did It Again..

dangit....Indigo got me again....making me tear up on a Sunday morning....go now, and read THIS....it will remind you again, that ALL people in this world are not assholes....thank you, Indigo....

NO FAIR!!

Pam is SUCKING UP to the JUDGES! NO FAIR!! ehehheheh...ya big cheater!!.....anyway..uh...incidentally...anyone bloggin' nekkid tonight?....maybe we should all get dressed, and head on down to Madfish Willie's Champagne Room....I hear he's hired some new "talent"...

In the Limelight at last..

It seems that just MAYBE there is an upside to this whole "Paris Hilton" fizzle....Porn is suddenly...quietly....becoming an acceptable subject for educated conversation...hmmm...

"Intelligent writing about porn will always find an audience - but I think we've been helped along by certain factors," says d'Addario - including "the increasing acceptance of porn as a topic of mainstream conversation".

Even the conventional press is in agreement. "Fleshbot might best be described as an erudite pornography site," wrote the New York Times, "with the same kind of catty writing and timely links that have made Gawker a must-read for New York's gossip crowd."

"Catty writing"?....I'm not quite sure...but I think I like that phrase...

Bloggin' Nekkid

Okey Dokey....for those of you who don't know, Beth is running a poll on a new logo for all of us Nekkid Bloggers out there....so, run over there and vote for your fav...there are quite a few to choose from....choose wisely....

Off to Nashville..

Well, I'm off to Nashville for the day...Have fun, y'all.....

Sticky

I was just sitting here...and some words started popping into my mind......words that, when reading them, are quite normal....until you use them in a certain context...I mean...they aren't ALWAYS bad....but, they are SOMETIMES bad....know what I mean? ...here are a selection....comments, as usual, are ALWAYS appreciated.....hmmm..what is the dirtiest "clean" word you can think of....

wet..
hot...
sweet..
sticky..
warm...
inside..
nuzzle.
drink..
finger..
eat..
kiss..
honey...
knees..
pillow...
air...
button..
taste..
moan..
vibrate...
head...

...whew....sorry about that......go and talk amongst yourselves....I have to go and have a moment...

Pool Table Results

Well, the bloggin' has been slow this afternoon because Steve came over....We did our normal Sunday afternoon showdown today...here are the results..

8-Ball - Steve, 7 to 4
9-Ball - Eric 7 to 4..

HA!..so...it all evens out in the grand scheme of things...at one point, though, in 9-Ball, I had him down 6 to 2...so, he made a bit of a comeback...but, color me happy.....cuz, I'm happy..

What's in a Name?

I was just over at the Acidman's blog, and he's talking about Rednecks and Yankees...I like names...I heard a great definition of Yankee once....I can't remember where I heard it, or if I read it somewhere...but, reading his post just made me think of it...anyway, it went something like this..

What is a Yankee?...To everyone on the planet, a Yankee is an American...to an American, a Yankee is someone from the "North"...to a Northerner, a Yankee is someone from New England...to a New Englander, a Yankee is someone from Vermont...to someone from Vermont, a Yankee is someone from Vermont who doesn't have indoor plumbing...

From that definition, it looks like everyone keeps pointing the finger at someone else...I guess the same can sometimes be said about Redneck..or probably any name you want to call people....language is incredible..

While I lived overseas, I got called a Yankee a lot...I didn't mind it one bit...even though I'm from Tennessee...here in Tennessee, no one calls me a Yankee...It really doesn't matter to me...it's just a name...I've been called a Redneck in a jovial way...and, I've been called a Redneck in an aggressive, derisory way..the same as I have been called a Yankee in both ways....the name doesn't mean much on it's own...it is the way that it is delivered....the tone...the intent of the speaker, I suppose...

I think of myself as a Redneck because of my family roots...but, I guess I am not really one....I don't farm, thus no red neck....so, it is kinda like that "What is a Yankee" analogy....it just depends on your individual definition....so, in the eyes of the World, I'm a Yankee...in the eyes of an American, I'm probably a Redneck....in the eyes of most Rednecks I know, I'm decidedly not a Redneck...

..damn, this is starting to get confusing now...I'd better stop...

Keep Your Barn Locked...

No comment...

Area horse owners, especially those around Echo Lake, may want to keep a close eye on their equine companions after two recent instances of abuse and theft.

A naked man was found having intercourse with a horse in a stable on McCaffery Road around 6:30 a.m. on Nov. 17. Flathead County Sheriff Jim Dupont said the man, still nude, fled on foot when the owner of the horse entered the stable.

"He left his boots and a bottle of hand lotion behind," Dupont said.

People are weird....

Go Forth, Children...and Drink....

The fountain is flowing...Bill's cup is overflowing...get on over there.....Bill's not dead after all!

Welcome back, Mr. Whittle, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Blogiversary!

Everyone go over and wish Parkway Reststop a happy blog-birthday...he is 1 year old TODAY!...keep up the good work, buddy, and you are dead right about not putting your chocolates near the bathroom....

It's Finally Here..

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone....I started craving Turkey, gravy, and dressing two weeks ago....and today is the day...YEE HAAAA!....This year, the shindig is being hosted by my Aunt Kathy...I asked her yesterday what is on the menu, and she FLOORED me with this short list...

Turkey, honey baked ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, creamed corn, cornbread, dressing, macaroni and cheese, cole slaw, pumpkin pie, tossed salad, fried okra, corn on the cob, baked beans, home made rolls, coconut cake, sausage balls, cheesecake, cranberry sauce, sauerkraut, deviled eggs, potato salad, pasta salad, and spring rolls....DAMN!....

..let the grubfest begin....

Gotta Go...

"Dead Poet's Society" is on...sorry, folks...carpe diem..and all that....

but, before I go...everyone go and look up their Byron..

"She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!"

Lord Gordon Byron..

thanks, Gordon..you da man...all that's missin' is her pony-tail and glasses..heh.....well...maybe just the glasses..you can forget about the pony-tail this time....ahhhh....librarians.....

I Want To Add to the List..

I posted, way back in my blogspot days, that storing your chocolate next to your bananas is a bad idea...after a while, the banana flavor will infest your choccies, and every time you eat a piece, you'll taste bananas....chocolate is not supposed to taste like fruit....anyway....I JUST finished eating a chocolate chip cookie that had been in a box with 3 other chocolate chip cookies and 1 lemon cooke....for two days....now, that cookie tastes like a LEMON cookie...lemon cookies are nice...when they are lemon cookies...but happily munching down on a CHOCOLATE CHIP cookie and tasting lemons is just fucking wrong...so, someone please tell me what the hell is up with this?...what do fruit have against chocolates?...why do bananas and lemons attack chocolate?....really..I want to know....personally, I blame the Bartender...he always tries to give me Chivas and claim it is Bowmore...the bastard...

Has Anyone Else Noticed?

I think Bill Whittle is dead or something....

The Long Arm of the Law..

...poor girl almost drown..which is sad....I don't want ANYONE to drown...well..except terrorists....anyway....she get's seen on TV....and then the cops come and bust her....man...that is just BAAAAAAAD Karma...if your driver's license is revoked, follow the rule of law, and don't drive...if you do drive, you should be punished...not drowned...but punished....

WINFIELD, West Virginia (AP) -- A woman whose rescue from her flooded car was broadcast on CNN and The Weather Channel was later arrested when a deputy who saw the TV footage realized her driver's license had been revoked.

Putnam County Sheriff's Deputy David Bailey, saw Christy Walker, 37, on a newscast November 19. A TV crew filmed her driving past screaming firefighters, fire trucks and cones set up to block part of a roadway covered in water. Her car submerged and she was rescued by volunteer firefighters.

You Get'em Girl!

DAYUM...Right Mamma is rippin' into the Democrats..heh...and she's RIGHT...the hypocrisy of idiots like Mr. Clark is exactly why I don't watch the whining left-wing media...

I do not see how Bush is exploiting September 11th. It happened, nothing can change that. And it happened on Bush's watch. It was GWB's responsibility to respond appropriatley and effectively. He did so. No, the Dems didnt neccesarily agree with all his moves, but hey - thats part of what makes the Dems!

As i see it, GWB has every right to use his Presidential History as a reason to vote for him in 2004! Its not exploiting September 11th, its showing his consistency in dealing with terrorism.

Lets face if, it Algore had won in 2000 we all know he would use 9/11 to his benefit in a re-election (but i doubt he would have the balls to run again...as a matter of fact a little birdie told me he asked Gore personally if he was glad he lost the 2000 election, after 9/11, and Gore admitted to being glad he was not in Office when it happened. This was a casual conversation BTW, not an interview with a reporter.)

I Scored 118

Take the "Are you going to Hell test"....it was sent to me by a bloggerette who shall remain nameless to protect her delicate sensibilities...hehhe...looks like I'm started down that slippery slope....heh..some of the questions are quite..uh.....interesting...

Click HERE for the test....

Thanks "I"...HA!

Nekkid Bloggers..

I know, I know...but, gimme a break..I only did this in 5 minutes over my lunch break....sheesh....anyway, I'll try harder tonight to come up with something...

comments?


6 Die in Roadside Accident..

The gruesome scene....


 


Put that thing away...

I guess he was just proud of it..or something....or maybe wanted to give the little old ladies a heart-attack...

Prosecutors in Italy have decided that a man who showed his newly pierced penis to residents of an old folks' home did not break the law

People are just crazy...

HOLYYYYYY SHIT

I am number 1 on the google search for "Johnny Wilkinson circumcised"....I hate this fucking blog....how in the WORLD am I supposed to put up funny comments and shit when weirdos are only FINDING this site by searching for shit like that...

On a lighter note, the Wife is watching "Full Metal Jacket" right now...and I can hear Ermey in the living room...."You can give your HEART to JESUS...but your ASS belongs to the CORPS"...so, I'm gonna have to call off bloggin in a while and go watch the movie...also, she is making grilled salmon and asparagus for dinner....so, if I survive, I'll be bloggin again in the morning...if not, just find a link to "Tuesday's Gone" by Lynyrd Skynyrd and play a memorial to me...I always wanted that to be my funeral song....

Off to see Donnie on his chatroom...and after that, it's Full Metal Jacket and Asparagus for me....damn....g'night....

UPDATE:...Donnie's Chatroom is broken..oh wait...it's fixed...sorry...

Popdex

How in the GREATLIVINHELL does someone vote for someone on popdex?!?...shit..what, you gotta be a friggin' rocket sceintist or something?...or...maybe, sober?....gimme some pointers, oldhats....I can't figure that shit out.....

Farewell...

This will be my last e-mail. I have finally had enough of users and computers

Things have been a bit tough lately and life is getting shorter and shorter every
day.

So I am quitting my job and will no longer be e-mailing jokes to friends and
coworkers and instead will travel full time with a biker gang to see the country.

But, don't worry about me - they all seem like nice people.

A photo of the gang is enclosed. It has been nice, good bye!

The Biker Gang...


 


Bloggin' Nekkid...

First off, let me just say that I have only blogged nekkid once.....very late at night....a'hem....anyway, John and Beth are going crazy over at Castle Aargghhh....they've come up with a new club for people to join....I'm SO in on this one...the Congress of Nekkid Bloggers...or something like that...actually, I don't think they've decided on a name for this organization...heh....but, I'm sure that a name, and a cool logo for you to stick on your nekkid sidebar is not far away either...right?

So, those of you who have blogged nekkid on occasion....blog nekkid ALL the time....or just like to read blogs by people who sometimes might possibly be nekkid whilst bloggin', then heard right over and join the club....

...I think I should start the BWI Club...Blogging While Inebriated.....hehehe....

Quote of the Day

"I won't forget, after we had our own dog neutered, when he went to clean himself. He looked down and didn't do anything but looked up at me with those big eyes, as if to say, 'Wait a minute! Where in the world did they go?'" -

- Gregg A. Miller, inventor of Neuticles (prosthetic testic1es for male dogs)

Dinner Tonight...

Well, my friend Billy is coming over tonight, and bringing his lovely girlfriend Kathy....So, the Wife has made the salad, and I have made my world-famous Spaghetti Bolognaise....there shall be much drinking, guitar playing, drinking, and laughter....the bolognaise sauce has been cooking since 1 this afternoon...it is now 5...it needs time for all of the ingredients to open up and get to know each other...

..Anyway, as an aside, I taught myself my FIRST love song last week...I've been playing guitar for almost 16 years, and this will be the FIRST public singing of a love song by yours truly...it's called "If I Should Fall Behind"...and I've only ever heard Bruce Springsteen sing it.....I ain't that good....but I make up in enthusiasm what I lack in talent...anyway...gotta go and start the garlic bread....y'all have a good night....

If you want the lyrics, go right ahead...oh, and if you don't know the song, HERE IT IS....

We said we'd walk together baby come what may
That come the twilight should we lose our way
If as we're walkin a hand should slip free
I'll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me

We swore we'd travel darlin' side by side
We'd help each other stay in stride
But each lover's steps fall so differently
But I'll wait for you
And if I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now everyone dreams of a love lasting and true
But you and I know what this world can do
So let's make our steps clear that the other may see
And I'll wait for you
If I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now there's a beautiful river in the valley ahead
There 'neath the oak's bough soon we will be wed
Should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening trees
I'll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me
Darlin' I'll wait for you
Should I fall behind
Wait for me

Feelin' Bad Music....

I just found an old tape I made back in 1992...it was in with a bunch of my old stuff from Alaska...only one side of the tape has anything on it...and it is labeled "Eric's Feelin' Really REALLY Bad Music"...heh...I had forgotten about ever making that tape....anyway, I threw it on the old stereo, and I'm listening to it right now...this tape is AWESOME!...

Here is what's on it...and, if you have any of these songs in your music collections...go and dig them out, brush off the dust, and LISTEN to them...

I'm Sorry - Joe Cocker
Guilty - Bonnie Raitt
Angel From Montgomery - Bonnie Riatt and John Prine
It You Were a Woman - The Cowboy Junkies
Winter Song - The Cowboy Junkies
Vincent - Don McLean
Louise - Bonnie Riatt
Always in My Heart - Bob Seger
Runnin' On Faith - Eric Clapton
Hard Times - Eric Clapton
Down and Out - Don McLean
To Live is to Fly - The Cowboy Junkies

hmmm....I guess I cheered up before finishing side two...anyway, it is some pretty good music...heh...

Fred and Ginger...

My wife has two cats...Fred and Ginger....She named them after Fred Astair and Ginger Rogers..... Originally, Fred was named Frederick Wildcat...after the wine importer Frederick Wildman & Sons of NY....the Wife likes the Parallel 45...anyway, I digress.....

We got Fred first, and after a while, the Wife started in on me with the old.."Aww...doesn’t Fred look lonely? Maybe we need to get him a friend.."....yeah, well, eventually I caved....so, she went and picked out a "girl" kitten and named her Ginger....We had Fred castrated a few months ago, and Ginger was slated to get fixed last week...

So, the Wife comes back from the vet with bad news...Ginger didn't need to be fixed....He needed to be castrated....yep...."Ginger" was a "boy" cat...So, for almost a year, the Wife has been calling to Ginger in this effeminate voice...totally different than the voice she uses to call in Fred...and being more gentle to him/her...just, generally, treating Ginger like a girl...and Fred like a boy...I asked her if she was going to change Ginger's name to Butch or something to make up for calling him Ginger for so long, but she said she'd rather keep calling him Ginger...poor cat....

Another Quiz..



*looks at the current world's population* You must have a lot of frustration then.


What pisses you off?

Created by ptocheia

Thanks to Big Stupid Tommy for the link...

Another from the E-mail

Subject: DEAR ABBY

Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed Clueless

Dear Clueless: Dump him. You're a New York Senator now. You don't need him anymore

Fun Stuff for Friday..

Jack at Bog's Blog has a great post about "Top 10 dumb guy insights into the Michael Jackson Affair".... definitely worth a read...might help you to understand the mind of the average guy a little better...heh...

Matt at Blackfive has a VERY educated post on why the rest of the world hates us...

Dax Montana tells us of his days as a Anti-establishment Man....good points brought up in this post...but...at the same time...it is pretty damn hard to buck the system and get away with it....

Don has caught something REALLY nasty...a NGD..yep...a Nice Guy Disease...get better soon, Don...

LeeAnn has the BEST answer to number 5 of the "Friday 5" I have seen yet in the blogosphere....If I'd done a Friday 5, that would have been my answer too...

Geoffrey demonstrates that "Smoking Pot Makes You Stupid"...and tells us how he watched a Hippie get thumped by a cop...heh...

Parkway Rest Stop has a GREAT off-the-cuff poem....

Say Anything has a cool post about how Democrats are Traitors....

She Who Will Be Obeyed has a great post on President Bush's manners while eating...oh, and she's evidently bloggin' NEKKID too....hehehe...

Shots Across The Bow has a wonderful mathematical problem for those anti-war people out there to figure on for a while....

Adam tells us that Key has a fresh, new blog...very nice....

Velociman has a groovy photo of Betty Page strapped to an overturned comfy chair....ahhhh....being spanked by a buxom blonde...hey, I can't help it..I'm a porn conniseur..heh...and Betty is a classic...

Wild Scorpy gets a cool comment about her lovely gamms......

sorry if I left anyone out...gotta go and eat dinner now...be back later...I hope y'all enjoy these reads as much as I did...

Poor Doggie...

Heh...If this is true, then it is pretty funny..in a weird sorta way...anyone able to debunk it?

An elderly lady with a dog, called Verizon phone company to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.The phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then the telephone did ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on the ground.

4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring.

...Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.

Amen...

Bad DAY....

Now THIS is a bad day at the office.....

oh, and that link is not PETA friendly...

Britney's Sex Life...

...no comment....Britney likes to diddle herself....heheh.....yip...she does....

SEE?

"And then you're able to give more to other people. When you turn yourself on, that really is what turns the guy on."

yip...

Helen....

I've heard the blogosphere called a "community"....hell, I've even heard it called an "alternate world"....but today, for the sake of this post, it is "my home town"....I read THIS post over at Everyday Stranger's house today while I was at work....and on the drive home tonight, I was groovin' to some old Bruce Springsteen tunes....one of my favs came on...and as I was screaming out the lyrics along with Bruce on that backroad here in Tennessee....I thought of Helen..

Helen has been through the wars...and is still battling through a few more battles...but, she is a true warrior...she may not want to admit it, but she is....hell, some of the best leaders I've ever met have had moments of self doubt....but, she has learned the first thing about leadership...you have to lead yourself before you can lead anyone else...of all the funny, articulate, informed, educated, and sexy blogs that I read, her's is the one that I feel most comfortable with....she blogs about sex, her life, her fears...and she lays her most secret and sacred bits right out there in the open for everyone to see..she is, quite literally, a survivor in the truest sense of the word....in short, in the blogosphere....she's my "local hero"...Helen....read the lyrics...WE are in need of a "local hero"...

I was driving through my hometown
I was just kinda killin' time
When I seen a face staring out of a black velvet painting
From the window of the five and dime
I couldn't quite recall the name
But the pose looked familiar to me
So I asked the salesgirl Who was that man
Between the doberman and Bruce Lee?
She said Just a local hero
Local hero she said with a smile
Yeah a local hero he used to live here for a while

I met a stranger dressed in black
At the train station
He said Son your soul can be saved
There's a beautiful women nights of low livin'
And some dangerous money to be made
There's a big town 'cross the whiskey line
And if we turn the right card up
They make us boss the devil pays off
And them folks that are real hard up
They get their local hero
Somebody with the right style
They get their local hero
Somebody with just the right smile

Well I learned my job I learned it well
Fit myself with religion and a story to tell
First they made me the king then they made me pope
Then they brought the rope

I woke to a gypsy girl sayin' Drink this
Well my hands had lost all sensation
These days I'm feeling all right
Cept I can't tell my courage from my desperation
From the tainted chalice
Well I drunk some heady wine
Tonight I'm layin' here
But there's something in my ear
Sayin' there's a little town just beneath the floodline
Needs a local hero
Somebody with the right style
Lookin' for a local hero
Someone with the right smile
Local hero local hero she said with a smile
Local hero he used to live here for a while

Awaiting SURRENDER??

This really ticks me off....first off, the headline says..."Authorities await Jackson's surrender"...WTF??...AWAIT?? Why aren't the cops going to GET his sorry ass?..ooohhh no...INSTEAD, we get THIS..

"Jackson is expected to meet his attorney, Mark Geragos, at the Santa Barbara County sheriff's office and turn himself in to authorities late Thursday morning"

As far as I can tell, if you have a damn ARREST WARRANT issued for you, the cops COME AND GET YOU....this fucking doublestandard justice system is a mess....you got money?...you perp'd a crime?...ahh....just bounce on down to the police station when you get a free minute away from fondling little boys...

...makes me want to puke....

Quote...

My wife is currently reading a Heinlein novel....and she showed me this quote today...I'd heard it before, but it was nice to hear it again....I think I agree with it...

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, design a building, conn a ship, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve an equation, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."

Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

Pool Tournament

Bloggin' may be a little slow tonight...I've just been informed by the guys that I am hosting a Pool Tournament/Bragging Rights Contest at my house tonight...so, I've gotta run and get the grill fired up, and get the shot glasses out...I'll try to post the results later tonight if I can see to type....

wish me luck, the sharks are circling....

A Classic Post

I just read THIS post....it is incredible....if you haven't read it already, then get over there and spend some time....

"Every time we encounter evil it’s all or nothing for us. Every game is a playoff game and an absolute must win situation. The mind cannot even begin to contemplate what the world would be like had we lost the previous big games to Hitler or Stalin. This one is no different. What will happen to our beautiful country and the fate of the world should we fail? It’s ugly, but dwell on that thought for a few moments and you’ll realize the severity of the situation.

It is granted that the United States will never be conquered by groups such as Islamic Jihad, Hezbollah, or al-Qeada, but it is entirely possible that through their actions and our inaction that we become a former shell of ourselves with our children left to inherit a country that cowers in fear to the whims of terrorists and terrorist countries. We will become slaves to evil and will were its shackles on our wrists and legs.

Many bloggers, me included, have said it many a time: WE ARE AT WAR. There seems to be confusion over this since it’s not the way we typical think of war, the same was true for the Cold War. But it is a war. It is an armed conflict. And it is good versus evil. "

Right on, brother...right on...

Payphone Attacks Janitor

Ouch!...I know...you should never laugh at other people's misfortunes....BUT...this story is still pretty funny....and, it just goes to prove my point that people are crazy...I mean...this guy got his butt kicked by a PAYPHONE....heh..

The phone was near a busy bus stop.

"People on the bus who know me were laughing at me," Fleming said.

With few options left, ambulance crew members cut the telephone off at the base and took it and Fleming to St. Mary's Hospital.

"I've been in this business more than 30 years and I've seen a lot of weird things, but never anyone trapped in a telephone," said Herb Simmons, manager of the ambulance company.

I Love This Bar...

Dana over at Note It Posts, the purtiest blogger around, has linked both the COTBB AND the COTBG in a linkfest like no other....oh, and that is "Babes" and "Gang" for those of you uninitiated drinkers out there...the Corner of The Bar, baby....the best place around to get your cyber shots and slammers...and check out a few "long, cool drinks of water"...drop by...and check out the Champaign Room.....heh...tell Willie I sent ya...

The "Ghost" of Joey

I guess you gotta be a pretty big man to beat, punch, kick, and throw around a 50 pound little boy, right?...THIS scumbag turns my stomach....and any Mother who'll let shit like that happen to her kid? WTF....The jist of this article seems to ask if the prosecutor was asking for undue "sympathy" from the jury by speaking to the court as if she was "the ghost of Joey"....sympathy?..from the COURT?...that piece of shit deserves no sympathy...He deserves to be beaten within an inch of HIS life every day for a few months, and then, after HE learns the true meaning of fear, electrocute his ass..

"Hi, I'm Joey. I'm 8, and I'm scared," Assistant State Attorney Nita Denton said as she impersonated the child during closing arguments of Dial's child-abuse murder trial.

and...

Over defense objections that the prosecutor was improperly eliciting sympathy from jurors, Circuit Judge Robert Makemson allowed Denton to continue her arguments "through the eyes and ears" of the boy, who was found dead in bed June 26, 2000.

You can read the whole story right HERE....by the way, notice that the kid was BEATEN to DEATH in 2000...and justice is JUST NOW starting to be handed out...

Good GAWD...

How in the WORLD is a Straight White Guy to live, when he check's his referrals and finds that he is number 4 on the list of Google searches for "johnny wilkinson buttocks"....GOOD GOD!.....you people are perverts....seriously....watch more Rugby...and leave me OUT of this .....

...lawd...hear my prayer..let it be a buxom young brunette with glasses between the ages of 18 and 29 who searched google for wilkinson buttocks....please???

Blogging for the LOVE of it..

I've had the pleasure of meeting some of my fellow bloggers in person...I loved meeting them all after reading so much of their blogs...after a while, you feel that you know a lot about them...when really, how someone writes can often give you a false sense of what they might or might not be like...I was really shocked when I first met the bloggers...they were all incredible people, and not NEARLY as vitriolic in person as they often are on their sites...sure, we all ranted, but it didn't have the same kind of venom that it does on the site...our words - when we type them - lack a certain sense of presence...and can often be taken out of context...

I was just over at the Acidman's abode, and read THIS POST....It was talking about traffic, and links, and the usual stuff...and I suddenly had a flashback from the Jawjah Blogmeet....

I had just walked into the bar, noticed the group of crazies in the corner...walked over...and Acidman stood up, leaned over the table and said..."Hmm...do we have a fellow blogger here?!!"...to which..I...like an idiot, said..."Hey Acidman, I'm the Straight White Guy"...HA!...well, you just had to be there...so, he says..."ERIC! Glad you could make it! Let me buy you a beer!"...well, within 30 seconds, I had a pint of Sam Adams sitting in front of me...I was pretty nervous about meeting everyone, but no sooner had I taken my first sip of beer when he dropped the bomb...

"So, Eric, tell us all how you got started blogging..."....DAMN...I was on the spot...anyway, I told my story...and then, slowly, everyone else began relating THEIR reasons for starting blogs...and not a single person around that table said it was for "Links", "Traffic", or whatever...most of us just want to write...good, bad, or indifferent...we just want to write....hell, we'd write if NOBODY read us...writing is therapeutic...writing is good....

I like to tell jokes and rant....which, is pretty much what I do in real life....my blog is sometimes political...sometimes funny....and sometimes I tell a story....I don't really do it for anyone except myself....As I have said before, I look at my hits and referrals a lot, but I do it because I want to see if there are other funny, some-times-political-storytellers out there....not to boost my ego...I guess that's why I ended up with the title of my blog as "Straight White Guy"..

I had been reading blogs for a while...Eject Eject Eject....Gut Rumbles....Nicedoggie....IMAO....The Dax Files...Velociman....and Baldilocks...and, after asking Dax for advice on starting a blog, I found blogspot....I pressed a few buttons, and suddenly, it asked me for the name of my blog....I had no idea...so, I sat here looking at the screen for all of 15 seconds...What clever name could I use?...What would be eye-catching??...nope, no ideas....so, I just took a sip of Scotch and thought..."Straight White Guy"....and that was it..I was suddenly www.straightwhiteguy.blogspot.com....only NOW am I realizing that we bloggers brand ourselves - As Adam has told me - with our name and content..

I guess what I'm trying to say is this...blogging isn't a popularity contest to me, or any of the bloggers that I met in Jawjuh....We do it because we enjoy it...Hell, if I stopped blogging today - after only barely two months of doing it - it has ALREADY been worth the effort...I have met friends that I never EVER would have met if it hadn't been for throwing some words up onto this damn screen...hehehe...not that I'm thinking of quitting blogging, but the people that I met at the blogmeet were genuine great human beings...and I'm all the better for knowing them....so,...hit-counters...popdex....referral pages, and links...are NOT the product of good bloggin'...the product of good bloggin' is meeting good friends...you guys know who you are...right?

Pool Table Round-up

Well, I know that it has been a while since I posted the usual Sunday pool-shoot results...but, that is because we haven't shot on the table during the past three weeks....however, today we did....the results are as follows:

1.5 hours of play..
Steve: 5 Miller Geniune Drafts
Me: Two Large Scotch and Waters...

Results:
Steve: 8-ball, 7 Games won
Me: 8-ball, 3 Games won..

So, another buttkicking was had in my OWN garage...but, I think I'm getting better...but, hell....it is a GREAT way to spend a rainy Sunday afternoon....heh...

Kinky Germans...

heh....I was just minding my own business, checking my referrals....as you do....and I noticed that I am number 1 on the german google search for "Billy Joe Hawks"...you know who I'm talking about....that Kentuckian who looks like Meatloaf on a bad day who got locked up in a wimmin's prison?....man, Germans are a pretty kinky bunch...

WEIRD...

A few questions leap to my mind after reading THIS...

1. Why did you wait till your son was ELEVEN to get him circumcised?

2. And, in response to this quote..."It said the boy's penis was deformed years ago when he fell into a well"...WTF?!?!?

3. How in the WORLD could you let a DRUNK man with a SCALPEL near your kid's privates...

People are just crazy...

REAL Sportsmanship..

Colleges are continuing to come up with more and more ways of getting funding...I find it pretty shocking to see the budgets that some of the larger universities have for their athletic departments....I mean, you could run a small South American country with the amount of money that UT spends on Football alone....but THIS is a novel idea to raise money...and I LIKE it....

In the $3 billion college-logo retail market, there's growing demand for "rivalry merchandise" in which two schools allow their trademarks to appear on the same item, even if one team is being throttled, humiliated or labeled as a loser. The schools share revenue and say the products highlight the traditions of their rivalries. But getting merchandise to market can be a convoluted process as universities struggle to reconcile the lure of commerce with the boundaries of taste.

heh...and this too....

"It's not acceptable to go up to your rival and say, 'Go to hell!' So you do it with a clever shirt," says Trevor Livesay, a 32-year-old Montana State graduate. Mr. Livesay's favorite is the unlicensed shirt he bought from Rival Rags, Spokane, Wash. It pokes fun at the University of Montana's Grizzly mascot while alluding to something bears do in the woods."

My Life As it Stands...

This post is not going to make any sense...I have gotten a few emails lately which have been absolutely incredible...you know who you are...anyway...there are a certain few bits of minutiae that I want to handle first...

Scotland was just throroughly thrashed by Australia...the Aussies are a big bunch of cheating bastards...

Wales was beaten soundly by England, and, England are a bunch of cheating pansies too..

Of course, this leaves four teams in the semi-finals...NZ, OZ, England, and the Froggies....goooooooooooooood lord....I'd sooner sell my left nut than root for ANY of those teams...I HATE the "All Blacks" because they ARE the best.....the English can kiss my ass, because they are the most ARROGANT group of Rugby players that have EVER set foot on a pitch....the "Froggies" can just lay down and die right NOW, hell...everybody KNOWS their record...and the "Wallabies" are FUCKED as long as I live...but, I suppose I must choose one side...so...as much as it BURNS my soul.....and....I can assure you that I will NEVER live this down....I am now forced to side with......the English Whores...at least Little Johnny Wilkinson has never pissed me off....yet....

Sorry for digressing....anyway, best of luck to you......and keep on trucking...you WILL meet all your goals..good luck,...and God Speed..

UPDATE:...just read this in the light of day...note to self: blogging while intoxicated after watching a whole day of Rugby is probably not a good idea...heh.

Real Heroes...

Go HERE immediately....

Mr. Centerfold Retoucher....he's DA MAN!...

Thanks to the Oceanguy for showing me where the REAL heroes are..

Visiting Places....

I've been getting e-mails from a friend of mine who is currently taking a six-month vacation...He is spending most of his time around the Pacific Rim..He plans on hitting New Zealand, Singapore, Australia, and Malaysia..currently, he is Vietnam...I received one yesterday describing his visit to Hue...

It will suffice to say that I AM JEALOUS...I've been to a few Asian countries - most recently, Bangladesh, and I've enjoyed ALL of my travels...I love to go places that I've never been before..it sorta re-affirms my belief in humanity...but, I'm not JUST jealous because he's traveling, I'm jealous because he is in HUE! My Dad spent some time there...but, the natives weren't too friendly....he was wounded by a mortar round there in '68 while attached to the 1/5...but, I'd LOVE to visit that city...once known as the "Paris of the Orient"...

I was just over at Kelly's place, and she mentioned that she'd never like to visit the Sudan..Well, I've never been there...which makes me WANT to go!...Hell, sometimes when I've had a bit too much Scotch, I throw Sahara in the VCR, and imagine myself there with Bogie...I LOVE desert movies..especially WWII desert movies...of course, The Big Red One is a drunken fav of mine too...

Speaking of movies....and Hue...and Vietnam....I just found THIS over at Matt's place...WHOO HOOO..DAMN! I love THAT MOVIE....watch out...it's got a little cussin'....man, Ermey reminds me of MY D.I...Sgt. Day of Plt 3072...

Redheaded Stranger

I love being a redhead....hell, it is all I've EVER been so there is no sense in bitching about it now...but, I've got something to say..

Where I work, all of the Admin and Management staff eat lunch together EVERY DAY in the conference room....now, most of admin staff are lovely young ladies....of course, the OWNER of the COMPANY is a lovely young lady herself....anyway, I digress...the other day, I was having my BBQ Pork sandwich in the conference room when I said something that I haven't been able to live down since...

I was sitting there, minding my own business, when I overheard one of the "girls" say, "OOOOHHH, he was SOOOO dreamy!! He was tall, dark, had these DREAMY eyes, and he was SOOOO handsome.."...

Well, folks, that was it for me...and I had HAD enough...now, let me describe some of the guys that I work with...most of them are at LEAST 5'11", and have darkish hair, dark or blue eyes, and are in quite good shape....

Anyway, I looked up from my sandwich, and I said..."THAT is what I don't get about you wimmen....what the hell is up with "Tall, Dark, and Handsome"?!?!...When was the last time you heard someone say..."OH. MY. GAWD!! I just met the most WONDERFULLY handsome guy!! He is 6'1", REDHEADED, PALE SKIN, and covered from head to toe in FRECKLES!!!"..

Yeah, you got it...NEVER....so....this is a word of advice to the "ladies"....the NEXT time that you say "Tall, Dark, and Handsome"....just realize that there are MILLIONS of us Redheads who are mentally smacking the piss out of you each time you say that....

so..there....enough said....do I mind being a redhead?..nope...that's what I am...hell, I ENJOY being different...I just wish that being a Redhead was cool...oh, and to all you "Tall, Dark, and Handsome" guys...kiss my Redheaded Ass..

Ask a THOUSAND ladies to describe their "PERFECT" man, and I will give you 10 to 20 that NONE of them describes a Redhead.

...dammit...

Dean to Accept Foodstamps...

All kneel before the almighty Scrappleface....this one is just GREAT...

Clark to Accept Public Financing, Food Stamps
(2003-11-14) -- Wesley Clark announced today that during the presidential primaries his campaign would accept public financing, food stamps and government-issued cheese.

"Our fundraising is going so well we don't need taxpayer help," said Mr. Clark. "We're only accepting this public assistance to demonstrate that Wes Clark is a true, blue Democrat. It's woven into the fiber of our party that taxpayers should have to pay for the personal choices others make."

Mr. Clark immediately criticized rival Howard Dean for his decision to refuse public financing.

"One could reasonably wonder whether Mr. Dean is even a Democrat," said Mr. Clark as he nibbled a cube of government cheese. "There's a mean streak of unilateralism in Howard."

Wow...

LONDON (Reuters) - A burp from the loudest belcher in the world echoed round Britain's Tate Modern Gallery as the Guinness World Records book celebrated the release of its 100 millionth copy.

If you ask me, the Tate Gallery is really going down hill....

The Death of a Legend

Farewell, Penthouse Magazine...ahhhh sigh....it was bound to happen, I suppose....

Goldstein said circulation woes throughout the field show "we are an anachronism; we are dinosaurs; we are elephants going to the bone cemetery to die.... The delivery system has changed, and we have to change with it if we want to survive."

Founded in 1968, Screw was successful in its early years. Its mix of scatological editorials, pornographic pictures and tongue-and-cheek articles sold as many as 140,000 copies a week. By last year, sales had dipped to around 30,000.

Party At My House...

Sorry for the lack of blogging, but I was given a surprise party at my house tonight...no reason in particular, just because..anyway, there was much booze drinking, much guitar playing, and now, I just need to go to bed...DAMN..I'll blog like bejus in the morning...I promise....HA!!..my fingers are sore from playing guitar, my eyes are blurry from drinking moonshine, and my head is spinning from trying to read this post as I type it...sorry folks, this week has gotten the best of me...heh...maybe Friday will be less alcoholic..then again...it IS Friday, after all..;^)

Oh, the SHAME..

....were to start?....hell, all my life I've heard my Friends and Family refer to Kentuckians as Hillbillies...hell, WE are hillbiliies...but, for some reason, my family always busted on Kentuckians..and NOW I KNOW the reason....heh..they make TENNESSEE Hillbillies look like YUPPIES....

Male inmate passed as woman for months - Exam confirms gender; prisoner moved

By Tom Loftus
The Courier-Journal

FRANKFORT - You could call it a case of mistaken sexual identity.

An inmate at the Kentucky Correctional Institution for Women was moved to an isolation cell Monday after the prisoner said he is a man and a physical examination verified it.

Billie Jo Hawks, 43, of Battletown, had been admitted to the women's prison near Pewee Valley on Oct.22 and was housed in a dorm with female inmates. For eight months before that, Hawks was held in the women's section of the Meade County Detention Center on convictions of first-degree trafficking in a controlled substance and cultivating marijuana.

Heh..

I'm Worried...

Ok, I was just over at my old blogspot site looking for that post about Hookers and Cosmos...and it struck me....after moving to MT, I have gotten a LOT less dirty..is this a good thing?...ahhh, screw it...time for some more gutter scraping...and, as George Thorogood would say..."and AWAAAY we gooo!"

THIS article is enough to make you want to do a BUNCH of things all at once...1. Puke yer guts out...2. Hunt down the chef, and gut him with his Ginsu knife...and 3. see if it is used...you might need it later...heh...

Four women sue Irvine restaurant after one says she found condom in her chowder
Associated Press

SANTA ANA, Calif. - Four women sued an Irvine restaurant after one of them said she found a condom in her clam chowder when they dined there last year.

Laila Sultan said she was eating at McCormick & Schmick's Seafood Restaurant on Feb. 26, 2002, when she bit into something rubbery.

"We said, `Of course. You're chewing on a clam,'" said Paula Wild, one of her dining companions.

When she spit it out, Sultan, 48, said she discovered it was an unwrapped, rolled-up condom.

Good LAWD...is she HONESTLY trying to say that she couldn't tell the difference between a CLAM and an OVERCOAT?...

I Received a Request...

Since I can't get all my dang Blogspot crap imported over here, I have gotten a request to re-post my "Only Hookers Drink Cosmos" post on THIS site...so...even though you have already probably read it, here it is again...heh...

Another Story From my Life...

Usually, I just post jokes that crack me up,...or news stories that show me how crazy people are....but, sometimes, I get in the mood to tell a story...and I'm in one of those moods now....so, here is a story about humor, attraction, drinking too much, watching too much TV, blind dates, wrong things to say, and come-backs....anyway, off to the story..

Once upon a time, I had a cousin named Scott....now, Scott is 6 foot 4, and about 235...big ole fella...anyway, I met this girl at work named Charlene...she was brunette, 5 foot 2...AND she was a real cutie, and smart to boot....so, being that Scott was a nice guy, I decided....for the FIRST time in my life, that I'd play Cupid...and I arranged to have them both over to my house for dinner....that way, everything would be on neutral ground, there would be another "couple" around - me and the missus..and if things didn't go well, either one of them could bail after they had eaten my famous spaghetti and downed a few glasses of vino...no problem, right?

Well, Charlene arrived first...so, after greeting her at the door, I offered to make her a drink...she asked for a "Midori", and I didn't have any....now, firstly, this was a bit of a shock...for all NORMAL people, I have a fairly well stocked bar right here in my house, but nope...I didn't have any midori...so, she said..."Oh, I really like midori..."...she didn't drink very much, you see....ANYWAY, I say, "Well, if you like sweet drinks, maybe you'd like one of my famous Cosmopolitans?"......she proceeded to ask what was in it, etc...and I was explaining it as I mixed it up....now, about this time, Scott rings the doorbell....my wife lets him in, since I'm busy mixing a drink for Charlene....and he ambles his way into the kitchen..

"Hello, Scott! This is Charlene, that I've been telling you about for the past two weeks...what do you think? A real cutie, eh?"....now....of course, Charlene blushes a little at the compliment, giggles a little, and turns towards Scott for his opening statement...by now, my wife has walked around the corner and is in the edge of the kitchen ....just waiting to see if she can see any "chemistry" between them.....but Scott just stands there eyeing Charlene up and down....and you could tell that there was an attraction between them....so, Charlene takes the Cosmo and starts to take a sip....and Scott, sensing that it is time for him to say something, says..."What's that you are drinking?"....

Charlene takes the delicate cocktail glass down from her lips, and says..."a Cosmopolitan, I like it.."....to which....Scott utters the best "first-date-one-liner" I've ever heard......

"DANG! Only hookers drink cosmos"...

You could have heard a pin drop...Charlene nearly spills her drink... the wife punches Scott in the arm....and I collapse in uncontrollable laughter....Charlene...slowly looks up at Scott and says..."Has anyone ever told you that you bear an INCREDIBLE likeness to Randy Quaid from National Lampoon's Vacation?"....I thought I was gonna pee my pants when she said that....

In any case, the night fared better from there on out...we had a good meal...but, the damage had been done....EVEN when Scott tried to tell her that he was just trying to be funny, and that he'd heard that quote from some movie...the damage was DONE already....any "chemistry" they had at that first sight was crushed beyond repair after his opening statement....anyway....I still rag him about looking like Randy Quaid...BWHAHAHA...Charlene actually tried to console him later on that night by telling him that she thought Randy Quaid was quite handsome and sexy...but it never worked...now he's got a Randy Quaid complex...which serves him right....

So...the moral of this story...if you watch too many movies...and you start to memorize the dialogue....it is a bad thing..stop it...it will eventually come back at an inopportune time and bite you in the buttocks....and...when dating...DON'T make a joke when you first meet your girl...say something nice..Hell, even Scott saying..."DAMN!! Nice TITS!!" would have been a better first statement than that hooker comment....

Mysterious Blogger

As everyone who reads this site must know by now, a group of Jawjuh bloggers..(and one knighted *honorary* Jawjuh blogger) got together in Dahlonega for a old-style Southern shindig...much fun was had by one and all, and it looks like the winner of the "bringing up the rear" award goes to Key Monroe...Key is the LAST blogger present to post their thoughts on the wild goings-on...so, have a visit...

Aurora Borealis

Most people will remember C.W. McCall for the famous trucker song Convoy, or from the movie starring Kris Kristofferson. His style of Rocky Mountain humor is fantastic. But, I best remember C.W. McCall for writing Aurora Borealis...I can't count the times that I have sat by a campfire and recited the lyrics to this song. I recited it last night while watching the eclipse. If you are not familiar with this song, you are missing out...as with all of my posts of this type, this song shoud be read aloud...don't worry, no one will hear you...

Aurora Borealis by C.W. McCall

One night last summer we were camped at ten thousand feet up where the air is clear, high in the Rockies at Lost Lake, Colorado. And as the fire burned low and only a few glowing coals remained, we lay on our backs all warm in our sleeping bags and looked up at the stars.

And as I felt myself falling into the vastness of the Universe, I thought about things, and places, and times.

I thought about the time my grandma told me what to say when I saw the evening star. You know, Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.

The air is crystal-clear up here; that's why you can see a million stars.

I remember a time a bunch of us were in a canyon of the Green River in Wyoming; it was a night like this. And we had our rafts pulled up on the bank an' turned over so we could sleep on 'em, and one of the guys from New York said, "Hey! Look at the smog in the sky! Smog clear out here in the sticks!" And somebody said, "Hey, Joe, that's not smog; that's the Milky Way."

Joe had never seen the Milky Way.

And we saw the Northern Lights once, in the Bitterroot Mountains of Montana. They're like flames from some prehistoric campfire, leaping and dancing in the sky and changing colors. Red to gold, and blue to violet... Aurora Borealis. It's like the equinox, the changing of the seasons. Summer to fall, young to old, then to now. And then tomorrow...

And then everyone was asleep, except me. And as I saw the morning star come up over the mountains, I realized that life is just a collection of memories. And memories are like starlight: they go on forever.

ORANGE CRUSH, Baby..

one word...*whew*....wait...two more words...*HOT DAYUM!!!*

Tennessee 10....Miami 6...IN MIAMI....

Get the whole twisted tale of a dashed National Championship chance HERE...Muahahahahah

Another DAMN Quiz...

I wanted to be Papa H., but Faulkner will DEFINITELY do..heh....

William Faulkner
William Faulkner wrote you. Yes, you're a genius,
you drunken old coot.


Which Author's Fiction are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hat tip to Kelly for the link...

Uplifting Morning Reading

I love this speech...yes, I think that "romantics" HAVE changed the world..."ideas" are what move people...

Thanks to Silent Running for the tip...

Let who may tear their hair off. Let them protest until their lungs puncture and shout until their throats bleed. This is it. It is like all great movements in history, characterised by singlemindedness and overpowering impulse. The old style of european imperialism, which aimed at exploitation, cheap raw materials, and keeping people backward and in a state of peasant low existance, has gone and is no longer suitable for the world. A globalised world where every body can enjoy the freedoms and benefits taken for granted by the "advanced" world. This is liberal neo-imperialism. Is it eutopean, is it unrealisable ? I don't know the answer. But the campaign is already under way.

Go HERE for the rest...

Another Quizzy Thing...

Hi, my name is Eric...and it has been 2 minutes since my last quiz...oh, wait...no, that is for a different audience...I admit it....I cannot RESIST taking all these damn quizzes...so, here are the latest results...pretty accurate too....ESPECIALLY if you know some of my friends....


Which Founding Father Are You?

Hat Tip to The Everlasting Phelps for the link...

Scrappleface Does it again...

Sometime this guy just NAILS it...and this is one...HA!

2003-11-07) -- Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean today blasted President George Bush for fostering an economic recovery that deprives thousands of Americans of their leisure time. The attack comes on the day the Labor Department reported that payrolls grew by 126,000 last month, more than twice the number economists had predicted.

"Work, work, work," said Mr. Dean, shaking his head in evident disgust. "Is that the American you want to leave for your children? Do you want to live in a nation where GDP and productivity and the stock market continue to rise? Where's the balance?"

My First Poem...

I was just looking through some boxes of old stuff that my Mother had collected and saved of my childhood...and I found a reeeeeal nugget...It was scribbled by my tiny little 6 year old hands...the FIRST poem I EVER MEMORIZED...at the age of 6...dang...I musta been a WEIRD little critter...anyway, I am SURE that you all are just twitching in your seats waiting to find out what it is...right?...yeah, whatEVER...so, here it is...wether you want it, or NOT...

Fishy, fishy, in the brook
Daddy caught you with a hook
Momma fried you in the pan
and Baby ate you like a man

heh..see?....and I've been hooked on poety and rhymes ever since...so, more than likely, there will be MORE poetry tonight...I've left my "beat the shit out of someone" mood, and..with the help of a few wee drams, have found my "bore the shit out of people you don't know with incessant poetry" mood...

Cats Vs. Dogs...

..ummm....my vote is for cats....heh..I just found THIS over at Fox News...

A study has shown that domestic cats infected with a parasite called toxoplasma gondii can actually alter the personalities of their human owners, turning women into “sex kittens" and men into “alley cats.”

I expect to hear a report of pet stores being sold out of pussycats VEEEERY soon...

What a Small World...

I have quite a few "It's A Small World" stories....and, I may get to them here later...but this one is brand new....heh...and pretty dang weird....

A young woman that I work with has a boyfriend from the west coast....turns out, he used to WORK with Gary Ridgeway...you know, the confessed Green River Murderer....and while working with him, used to taunt him...TO HIS FACE...by calling him "Scary Gary" and just generally saying what a weird bastard he thought Gary was....

Can you imagine that?....one day, you are picking on a weirdo at work, and the NEXT day, you see that he has mercilessly killed 48 people???...the USA's SECOND most prolific serial killer, and you've been calling him a dweeb for the past few years??....sorry, folks,....I just think that is WEIRD....

I guess it just goes to show you, though....you should always be nice to people you don't know...you never know what kind of freak they REALLY are until you get to know them..

G'night

After re-reading my last post for the past 10 minutes, and getting madder and madder, I'm going to the living room to watch Rugby...maybe that'll get all the violent thoughts out of my system....I NEED to do that from time to time.....

g'night....

Chivalry is NOT Dead..

Bad Language Alert....sorry folks...

I've been reading more blogs today than writing....and one theme seems to be circulating right now in the blogosphere....Chivalry is DEAD...at least it APPEARS to be when you start reading some of the crazy bastards out there...Trolls to the left of me..Trolls to the right of me....Asshelmeted VOLVO-MEN in front of me....well, DAMMIT, I'm about to "Volley and Thunder".....I swear to GOD, I've had ENOUGH.......I am not a violent person...even in SPITE of what the Corps taught me...but, if you threaten me OR my family, you will find yourself damaged...It's not because I am a big man, or a tough man, good at fighting, etc...it is because, deep down, I am a fair man...You have your beliefs, and I respect that....as long as you don't try to enforce them upon ME...when you do that, you're in for a fight...we ALL should treat each other with fairness and respect...if you don't, then you are an asshole, and you deserve to get thumped....

Hell, maybe I'm just having a bad day or something, but right now, I have three overwhelming urges....

1. To fly to Sweden and kick the ever-loving shit out of Volvoman...I'd like to see that fucking smarmy retard try that shit while I'm there...

2. To drive to Hotlanta and have lunch with Donnie and PRAY those psycho-fucknuggets show up...

and

3. Drive to Savannah and sit on the Acidman's front porch...

DAMN!

Random Thoughts of Today

This morning, while I was on my way to work at 0620, I ran over a deer...well, I didn't actually run OVER it....sorta just body-checked it with my Audi...the dumbass just stood there in the other lane watching me come towards it until I got right beside it...I had slowed down, of course...and then it ran straight into the side of my car...

I couldn’t see it after I passed it...it was still too dark out...but, when I got to work and checked out my car, I had deer snot and slobber all over my driver's side window...no blood, though, which was good....so, I guess she just ran off into the woods and counted her blessings...in any case, I learned that deer are really dumb...at least, until you try to hunt them...

I read a lot of blogs, and a lot of people are going through a lot of weird stuff right now...so, I just thought I'd tell you people some of MY problems....Deer want to commit suicide in my presence...THIS time, it didn't work...but if she'd busted a headlight, I'd have chased her down and capped her with my 9...

Blogging for SEX???

wow...I never really thought of it this way.....
DANG!!

What NEXT?

It seems that kids are getting a bit too fussy about eating healthy....and they don't want to drink their milk...Actually, I can't really blame them...I mean, if you stop and think about where milk comes from, it is pretty disgusting...but, I love milk anyway...anyway, if we have to put CAFFEINE in milk to lure the children into drinking it....I can't WAIT for the strawberry flavored spinach...OH YEAH....go HERE for the rest...

How do you get teens to crave milk? Load it with caffeine.

Hyper Cow, a new brand from Maplewood-based milk producer Schroeder Co., wins the dubious distinction of being the first caffeinated milk beverage.

Available starting Saturday, it will be sold exclusively for the next few months at Super America. It comes in three flavors: Straight Up Strawberry, Chocolate Shock and Mean Mocha Cappuccino. There is as much caffeine and sugar as in a can of regular Coke and a lot more calories — approximately 400 per 16-ounce bottle. But the main ingredient is 2 percent milk.

Final Thoughts...

I have seen a LOT of great writing...Donnie, Kelly, Siso, and Adam have put a LOT of effort into trying to describe the scene of the Blogmeet to you all...they have done an incredible job...however, I want to take a different approach...I want to give everyone a different view of things...so, here is MY rundown of events...

1. Quote of the Blogmeet - was when Recondo32 said the epic line of ..."You lying Motherf**ker"...sorry guys, but THAT was a classic...

2. I sang "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" to the collected bloggers...and they didn't run me off...although, I'm not sure if Kelly telling me I sounded like Willie Nelson was a compliment or a smackdown..heh...

3. Acidman stole my punchline from my BEST monkey joke..dangit...I LOVE that monkey joke...HA!

4. Watching Adam slump into his chair from too much booze whilst Dax and I continued drinking was a classic moment...sorry, Adam...WE WON!!...

5. Talking with Donnie and his Bride, and them letting me mooch food...those clams were great, dude....Thanks...

6. Telling our waitress that I had a librarian fetish was pretty cool...It's hard to tell when a brunette with glasses blushes, but I think she did....

7. Listening to Kenny play the guitar, and talking Rugby with him....the next time he is camping in Tennessee, I hope he gives me a holler..

8. Meeting the Acidman...but more importantly, saying goodbye to the Acidman in the company of Adam and Dax on Sunday morning...I was truly sad that it was all over....I enjoyed every minute of it...and I hope that we can do it again...

9. Sisoflexx...I got to meet the meanest woman who ever walked the planet...and for those of you who are interested, she lives in Georgia...so, it looks like when the Devil Went Down To Georgia, he STAYED in the guise of Siso..and her husband and Rachel didn't cut me any slack EITHER...HA!

10. When Dax passed me my first...and only....Red Slut...dang, that thing was AWESOME..

11. Walking up that trail to the cabin in total friggin' darkness...while drunker than Dammit....I was sure that one of us was going to die...

12. Attempting to quote a Robert Service poem to Donnie and Bride...and forgetting the dang thing halfway through...I'll remember THAT one for EVER...

13. Watching Siso kiss someone's feet is forEVER engraved in my psyche...more than likely, I will need counseling later in my life to overcome the trauma...

14. Taking a photo of Kelly "exhaling" a large cloud of tobacco smoke...ahhhh sigh...

15. Hearing the Acidman sing and play his guitar among good friends and flowing booze...with Georgia harmonizing....classic...

16. Asking Angie how her mother was being spanked....I'm not sure if I'll EVER live that one down....

17. Being in a cabin in the middle of NO WHERE, and being told to "keep it down" by the neighbors...

18. Arriving at the bar at 12:30 for a 3:00 meetup and finding the drunken varmints ALREADY there.....

19. Watching everyone present enjoy themselves, and be glad to be there...

20. Realizing...after the fact...that I had met some incredible individuals...and that I hope to keep in contact with each one of them...and make SURE that this happens again...

So, there you have it, folks....my top 20 things that have stuck in my mind about my little travel to Georgia....I know there are other things that I could say, but I will stop here....This list is in no particular order, either...I simply wrote them down as they popped into my mind....I just want to extend a personal thanks to everyone that I met there...and say that I enjoyed every minute of it...you guys rock..

G'night..

There's Always a Bright Side...

This post is for Dax...Scaryoke sounds pretty bad to me...and I know how the nights of karaoke must scar your mind....but, hey....look on the bright side...things can ALWAYS be worse....

BERLIN, Conn. -- You can leave your hat on.

The rules of naked karaoke are simple: Amateur singers grab a microphone, sans clothing, and belt out tunes in the buff.

Bristol Station Cafe owner Marty St. Pierre says he was just kidding around when he advertised such an event in front of his bar. Then he got volunteers. Lots of them.

FROG SMUGGLER!!!

Anyone ever heard about those people who lick toads to get a buzz?...I have..I don't think I've ever met one of them, though...but then again, how would you recognize a toad licker?...wait...that's just WEIRD..don't answer that....

I just found this link off of CNN...man, this guy is SO BUSTED...I'm not sure what the street value of "clicking froglets" is, but it sounds really expensive...usually, most of your imported dopage is pretty pricey....not that I'd know, of course....I'm just sayin....anyway, would you buy your "squelching froglets " by the ounce, or by the lick?....

Prosecutors allege Linley's suitcases had held 27 different species of Western Australian wildlife, including three cockroaches. The reptiles included types of geckos, skinks and snakes. Frogs included clicking froglets, squelching froglets and desert tree frogs.

Never Fear, Children..

It looks like there is hope for the male reader's of my blog after all....all ya gotta do is move to Brazil for a while...heh...

Brazilian doctors offering free penis enlargement surgery

A group of Brazilian doctors are offering free penis enlargment surgery on the internet.

About 3,000 men have reportedly signed up for the plastic surgery since the campaign was launched by 35 doctors at the weekend.


In Response..MY side of the Story..

Well, for those of you who are a bit intrigued by THIS STATEMENT....let me explain....

...no, there is too much...let me sum up....

This young lady was telling a story at the cabin.......someone suggested that she needed a good spanking....I don't recall who exactly that was, but when THAT had been said, she changed her story, and said something like..."Oh, that reminds me of ANOTHER story!..."....and she began to tell us about her Mother getting spanked by her date...anyway, yeah...this just keeps getting better and better...so, being nearly drunk....well...a'hem...a LOT drunk, I piped up and said...."What kind of spanking was he giving your Mother?"...

...now, at this point, everyone's ears perked up....I think that most of the people in the room thought there WAS only one kind of spanking....anyway, she rose to the bait, and said..."Uh, what do you mean?"....

So, I said....well, when you heard them, was it like "Smack! OWW!...Smack! OWWW!!"....or was it more like..."Thump, Click, Ungghhh....Thump, Click, Uhhhh".....which is usually followed by either a bad 70s soundtrack, or shouts of "Ohhhh BAYYYBEEEE"...

See....one is a "spanking" being given by a hand to her poor Mother...and the OTHER one is a "Nut Spanking"...as in...spanking her ass with your nuts...sorry...once again, I am TOTALLY lowering the tone of this blog....but, I must say, I was NOT the one who mentioned this...but since people are going to read it and be curious...you now know that there are indeed TWO types of spanking....Heh...

So, a new phrase was introduced to all attending.....nut spanked....

Drunken Dreams

No, Acidman...it was NOT a dream....heh...

Nothing starts a morning off like a cup of coffee...and some good, old-fashioned Toe-porn....enjoy...you pervy bastard....

Anyone else remember this?...hmmm... the camera doesn't lie....also, anyone wanna fess-up and claim these feet?...

I'm BACK..

Miss me?....yeah, yeah, yeah...I know...anyway, I got to meet some really great people over the weekend at the Blogmeet in Dahlonega.....I'll list them all as soon as I can REMEMBER who all was there....my head is still thumping from chasing Red Headed Sluts with Scotch....shut the hell up, and stop laughing...a "Red Headed Slut" is a DRINK...sheesh...get your frickin' mind out of the gutter...heh....

All I am at liberty to discuss at this juncture is this...just a few facts...

1. Began drinking at 12:30pm on Saturday afternoon...
2. Stopped drinking at 5:00am on Sunday morning...
3. Slept till 9am Sunday morning..
4. Drove for three hours to get back home..
5. Everyone who arrived alive at the party left alive....

I'm GONE..

I will not be blogging until Sunday evening..unless they kick me out Saturday, and I end up driving back...then, I'll be bloggin' again on Saturday night....sorry folks...have a nice Halloween, and try not to be too scary...right now, I'm off to eat pasta, drink Scotch, and meet some Jawjuh bloggers...now, go and give some candy to the little miscreant at your front door......this is Straight White Guy...signing off...*click*...

Family Matters

Into every life, a little rain must fall...and into every family, a few nuts are sprinkled...I certainly have some really freaky people in MY family...But, I was just over HERE, and now I feel better.....It seems that it is OK to have a bunch of weirdos as your family....it is NORMAL....

"His middle name is Bruce. His nickname is Brucie Beast. It was given to him by a gay college professor of his when lived with the professor. He says nothing ever happened with the professor but he was young and impressionable and it was the 60's so you be the judge."

Kill'em ALL...

LeeAnn over at Chez Cheese has a.....uh.....few interesting ways to deal with all those people in your past who screwed you over....ahhh sigh....gotta love her way of thinking....I'm already envisioning a scene so gory....uh...nevermind....

All those people who wronged me in the past, who I had an uncomfortable history with, who I'd cross the street and cover my face like an accused in a perp walk to avoid.... they're all dead.
I killed them.

Now THIS is how to tell a story...

If I could write like THIS, I'd be doing it professionally...and that's a FACT...

And, I'm sure we ALL have had our own versions of Simone Griffeth...mine was Lisa R....

"I'd often see Simone as she water-ski'd by our dock, blond hair slicked back, bikini aquiver (you know what I mean). There were usually one or two GQ-looking boys in the boat with her, all studly and such, but at least she had the decency to wave back to the skinny geek with big ears and big wood in his banlon nut hugger bathing suit."

This is just WRONG

Someone needs to call SOMEBODY about this....this is just wrong...

That Scary Time of Year..

A guy I work with is having poltergeist problems...about four months ago, his house on the lake was struck by lightning...ever since then, he has had some REALLY weird stuff happen in his house...for instance, it all began when he went to get into his car, which was parked in the garage, and once he started it up, all of the electronics were haywire...temperature settings were off, the radio was on - and on a different channel than he'd left it on....I told him that this may have been to do with some sort of electrical charge being left behind...anyway, he bought that, and didn't say anything else about the goings-on for a few weeks....

A few weeks later, he tells me that he is minding his own business at home, when his dog starts barking at the window leading onto the lake...so, he goes to investigate....and he sees something floating up over the lake...just as he sees it, it disappears...and the only thing that comes to his mind when he tries to describe it to me is that it looked like an "angel"...feathery wings and all...

I told him he was an old hallucinating fart and that he should drink more in the evenings....hey, I like to give sound advice to my friends...

Anyway, he comes in a few weeks later and tells me a story about his couch...now, I know that couch stories are usually pretty dang boring, but this one was just plain weird...So, the story goes that he and his wife have this big leather couch in their living room...they come home from dinner, and there is a huge, black ink stain on this brown couch....they get pretty pissed off, and both he AND his wife inspect it...it looks, evidently, like someone has left a magic marker on the couch arm, and it has bled into the leather...so, they spend a while wondering which of their grandkids they need to beat senseless over the weekend for ruining their couch, and inspecting the stain...finally, they go to bed...and in the morning, the stain was gone...later that day, they contact all of their kids, and none of them had been over at the house that week...weird, huh?...

and then TODAY, the guy comes in, and he tells me that after pulling into the garage and parking his car, he and his wife went inside....no sooner had they gotten inside than the doorbell rang..he was only about five feet from the door, so he opened it in less than 3 seconds after it rang...and there was no one there..he was totally freaked out...

Before you all start going off, let me just give you a little background. This man is a seasoned professional...he is over 50 years old, and is extremely respected by his peers and subordinates...He is intelligent and educated....and he sat there in my office...asking for advice, and I told him he was either nuts....or being haunted...coming from me...someone that I like to think isn't afraid of things that go bump in the dark...his stories freaked ME out...so...I guess I'm the one in need of advice now...any spook hunters out there who want to come hunting in Tennessee?..

Porno Karaoke..wow...

What WILL they think of next?....I mean, isn't karaoke bad enough already?..listening to some drunk, nasal-voiced, weenie screech through the latest Celine Dion song isn't MY idea of a good time, but I can ASSURE you that it happens somewhere on a daily basis...and now, what have the Germans come up with??...you guessed it....XXX Porno Karaoke...I mean, at least it would be FUNNY, right?....but what kind of psychos would get on stage..in front of other people....and make rumpy-pumpy noises into a karaoke machine...people just constantly amaze me...they really do...

GERMANS are screaming, moaning, and panting for the latest nightlife craze: porno karaoke.

Film producers Satt und Durstig organised a premiere in Berlin last month after a successful test run in the northern city of Hamburg, and the trend has already spawned imitators in other major cities.

Porno karaoke is similar to traditional karaoke - but, instead of standing in for Whitney Houston or Frank Sinatra, contestants belt out the soundtracks of adult movie stars.

Something Completely Different..

I JUST DID MY FIRST TRACKBACK....HOT DAMN!!....sorry, I just HAD to say that...I promise to keep the uncontrolled outbursts to a minimum from now on....

Velociman and the GA Mountains...

Well, seems that while I was away boozing it up in scenic Gatlinburg, the Velociman decided to try to start a comment riot on my site...hehe...hey, Velociman, you should know by now that I don't get enough comments here! Hell, I'd LOVE some comments...ANY friggin' comments!! Anyway, I was wondering if the Velociman was going to try to make it to Dahlonega this weekend...and if not, why not....

Heh! I'm starting to get excited about this trip....although, I know that I'm going to be forced to buy most of the drinks...due to the fact that Jawjuh kicked the crap out of the Vols a few weeks ago...hmm...I think, when in enemy territory, it might be best to blend...but, dangit, I just don't think I could EVER wear a Bulldog tee-shirt....

Anyway, does anyone have a rundown of the guests? As far as I know, it is going to be...

The Acidman
Dax Montana
Suburban Blight
Grouchy Old Cripple
Ain't Done It
Single Guy in th South
Me...
DAMMIT....DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT....I just went over to Suburban Blight to cut and paste her URL, and she has beaten me to the punch...oh well...so much for THIS post....sheesh...

Now THIS is a Post...

...hey...what can I say?...WOW...I think I need a cold shower now....DANG!!

Now, I had it pictured in my head, all womanly softness, wet lips, and moaning. What I got was more of a dog and pony show. Some kissing (she was terrible), some breast action (she was mad for it), and then some muff diving.

And that was interesting.

She tasted like melon, or like something hot and sweet and unmovable. I really dug the taste of it. She was completely shaved, and her clitoris was actually hard to find. She made odd squeaky nosies, either due to my performance or the hotness of the situation, I am not sure which and either are equally complimentary. I went at her for a while more out of curiosity than any skill, and it is safe to say that she did the same for me-she went at me more like a dog lapping up a dollop of ice cream on the floor than any kind of deep, intensive orgasmic moment.

MANY thanks to The Bartender for pointing me in the direction of this hot little blog....*whew*!

People Are So Stupid

....seriously....I don't even have to try to LOOK for these stories...they are EVERYWHERE....hell, you can't miss'em....I'll bet that if you tried to find a story in your local newspaper where people were acting NORMAL, you'd be pretty hard pressed to find one....why is that?....well, it's because the VAST MAJORITY of people are totally nuts....and should either be shot, hung, or otherwise done away with....here is another PRIME EXAMPLE....

According to court records, a Bryan police officer was flagged down at about 5:45 p.m. Monday by a motorist who said a naked man tried to jump into his truck. The officer reported the incident and was told by a dispatcher that several calls had come in from witnesses who said the man stole a pickup and rammed it into a house and vehicle on 21st Street.

Witnesses told police the man jumped out of the wrecked truck, removed his clothes and ran off. Lewis’ wallet and identification were found inside a pair of pants in the vehicle that hit the home, records state.

Officers later found a man on North Reed Avenue who was sitting in an electric wheelchair and appeared to have only a blanket covering himself, documents state. Lewis gave the officers a fake name, police said, which he had trouble spelling it.

White Guy from CHIPS

....I am ranked number 3 on google if you search for "White Guy from Chips"....what the hell is up with that?.....maybe I need to have better posts...hmmm..

Straight White Guy Hell

I am currently in the Straight White Guy version of living hell....Over the weekend, I made some purchases at a Video/Music store...I bought myself a DVD & CD set of the Rat Pack...recorded off some of their stage performances...I listened to it all the way back from Gatlinburg..Dean Martin is just awesome...anyway, I ALSO bought a DVD of ABBA for my wife...she loves them...I can't stand them....but, I knew it would make her happy, so I bought it for her as a surprise....and, true to form, she loved it...

...but, Brothers and Sisters....I'm paying for it now....for as I sit here, typing furiously on this keyboard, she is watching the DVD....and she has BEEN watching that damn thing for the past hour and a HALF...there must be 50 damn songs on that thing...and she's SINGING along with every one of them....I'm truly in Straight White Guy hell....had I known it was that long, there is no way in HELL that I'd have bought it for her....

oh lord...I need more Scotch....she's singing again..."gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight"....please...someone just shoot me now....

I'm Outta Here

I'm off to the Smokies...I'll be back posting about the goings-on in Gatlinburg on Sunday evening......this is Straight White Guy...signing off....*click*..

A Show you GOTTA see

Man, I hate those damn "reality shows"...I really, REALLY hate them....but THIS ONE might be on to something...Hell, I'd PAY to see Tammy Fay and the Hedgehog have breakfast together...now THAT would be interesting...

The former televangelist's wife and the porn king will live in the house and act as hosts for 11 days. They'll have four other roommates: rapper Vanilla Ice "CHiPs" actor Erik Estrada, former "Baywatch" actress Traci Bingham and "Real World: Las Vegas" cast member Trishelle. They'll also have a celebrity guest move in each week on the reality show, which began shooting Monday.

My money is on the Hedgehog doin' 'em ALL in eleven days.....now, just picture THAT in your mind...DANG....

Gatlinburg Boozefest

This weekend, I will be incommunicado...I'll be living the highlife in a gorgeous mountain chalet in Gatlinburg....where the only thoughts that cross my mind are if I should be drinking more, hot-tubbing more, eating more, smoking more, or playing more guitar...yeah, I know.....I'm a BASE person at heart...

The trees are really starting to turn up here, and the view should be incredible...Autumn is my favorite season...cool, crisp mornings....clear, starry skies at night...oooooh yeah...in a way, I think I'll miss playing with this new blog over the weekend....now that I'm on MT, blogging seems so much more fun...I can actually say that this blog is MINE...no blogspot ending tacked onto my domain name...MINE...I like that....I like that A LOT...

Of course, NEXT weekend is going to be a first as well....next week, I get to meet some REAL bloggers down in Georgia....so far, I'm the only blogger I've ever seen in real life....but then again, how do you KNOW if someone you meet in the supermarket is a closet blogger?...hmmmm.....All I know is, I sure as HELL don't tell anyone ELSE that I do this...

Anyway, I just hope I can FIND Dahlonega....so, for the rest of the bloggers that are meeting up down there, if I ain't there by 4 o'clock, you'd better send out a search team, because I'm broke down somewhere...

by Eric on Oct 24, 2003 | Comments(0)

Goodnight Everyone..

Scotland is proCEEDing to kick butt..and the wife is squealing like a pig at every point they score...so, I have to go in there .....uh....and "distract" her....sorry...duty calls...heh.....

by Eric on Oct 23, 2003 | Comments(0)

Steaks are Tasty...

Weeeell.. folks, just let me tell ya...It feels REALLY nice to have your own spot...no one to boss you around....it feels even BETTER when you have a belly full of medium-rare steak, and quite a few large drinks of Scotch...hell, I don't even mind that Scotland is kicking the ever-lovin' SHIT out of the USA in Rugby right now...why?...why, you may ask?....well, I've got a good buzz...and a brand new website...ahhhhhhhhhh.......I love it ...

by Eric on Oct 23, 2003 | Comments(2)

Gotta go cook some Steak

HA!! Sorry about not putting the rest of my blogroll on...the Wife just informed me that I gotta go and fire up the grill and throw some steaks on...of course, I'm not complaining...heh....anyway, tonight on Fox Sports World, the Rugby is on, so I might not be back tonight to finish up here...but, I WILL get my blogroll completed as soon as possible...I promise...

by the way, tonight is Scotland Vs. USA...and I already know the score...looks like I'm gonna have to listen to the Wife sing "Flower of Scotland" all weekend...dammit....

by Eric on Oct 23, 2003 | Comments(4)

HOT DAMN!!

I can't friggin' believe it...THANKS goes out to KING OF FOOLS for helping me....and Wizbang for pointing me in the direction of 1and1...YEEEE HAAAA!!!!

now...I just gotta figure out how to get my old blogger stuff imported over here....oooohhhh yeah....

by Eric on Oct 23, 2003 | Comments(0)