... speaking of the Rolling Stones... word up, people, I have an announcement.. I have discovered the source of Mick Jagger’s dance routine...
... I am… understandably.. slightly hesitant to share… but, I cannot keep this secret from you… after all, how many times have you looked on in horror as Mick funkified a stage.. and wondered what spastic retard he hired to teach him that crap?..
... well, this very morning, all was made clear… as is the way of a great epiphany, you never see it coming until it’s knocking at your door…. so, what is the source?…well, I cannot give you all of the gory details, but it is sufficient to say that at some point.. very early in his career… Mick Jagger cooked bacon while nude… it should be known forthwith and hereafter, that I cannot dance… being straight.. and white… I am accursed that way.. but, I have been informed, much to my dismay, that I can do a mean Mick impersonation while preparing brunch on a rainy Sunday…
...further to my librarian blog, I am adding Maura from Besmirched to my list of links..... she's a biologist... not a librarian.. but, that's close enough for me... as far as Biologists are concerned, she's got it goin' on.... plus, she's a dog lover, enjoys Lynyrd Skynyrd, and thinks Michael Jackson is crazy.. heh, she's got my vote....
... for those of you who have read my site for a while... you will remember that I have a certain soft spot for librarians... I don't know where I get it from.. but, that whole hair-up, ponytail, skirt, and eye-glasses... just really gets me going.. so, I thought I would just clue you guys in... I had a few minutes to spare this morning... so, what did I do while in beautiful Nashville?... stroll up Broadway?... visit the Charlie Daniels Museum?.... nope.. none of the above... what DID I do?.. why, cruise over to the Nashville Public Library, of course... after all, the quality of a City can be read by the cuteness of their librarians.... and, I must tell ya... I have not been disappointed... and, she's a brunette.. life is good, people....
...well, I'm heading out to Nashville... the Wife has got some business to attend to there... so, if anyone needs me, I will be in the bar at the Mariott on 4th Avenue North... Nashville, Tennessee... I'll be the guy slumped over an overpriced glass of single malt...
..in my absence, anyone who feels froggy enough... and has keys to the blog... feel free to spew your incessant drivel till I get back...
...gotsta go now, children... play nice... Daddy will miss you...
.... I plan on retiring to Alaska... why?... well, it's still pretty wild up there... one of my Buds lives just outside Anchorage, and he's had Brown Bears walk through his back yard... that's just awesome... I want to live in a place were there are things in your back yard that can (and will) kill and eat you if they get the chance... I just love the idea of that....
..I would retire to Florida.. but, it's too damn hot down there.. although, according to this story, they do meet my qualifications....
A nearly 10-foot-long alligator bit a woman on the leg and arm and dragged her into a Sanibel lake Wednesday evening as she was gardening near the bank behind her home, Sanibel police said.
..see what I mean?... talk about adding a little excitement to your silver years.. heh...
..for those of you retards who are interested, I managed to not only survive last night's poolfest, but I actually kicked some ass.. when one reaches the right balance of music and Scotch, the Meucci wand does, indeed, produce magic...
...oh, and go read Velocigod... now... do it, children.. you won't be sorry... trust Uncle Eric... go now... but, be careful... a word of advice... no matter how much he begs, don't sit in his lap....
...damn, people... this is becoming a weekly ordeal... every Wednesday, I post about shooting pool... ahh, well... after last week, and the total asskicking I received, this week HAS to be better... on the upside, more desensitization to the Flea's effects has been performed this week.. so, that might help.... it certainly didn't last week... but, hope springs eternal, children...
... on the downside?... my arch nemesis, Steve, just went and got contact lenses.. the bastard.... his first prescription renewal in 9 YEARS... which means, basically, I have been getting my ass stomped by a friggin BLIND MAN for the past year... and NOW, he has 20/20 vision... I'm in for it, I can already tell... still, it IS my house... so, if it gets too damn bad, I'll just pull an Eric Cartman on their asses.... "Screw you guys, you're going home"... or something like that.... heh... so, with disaster on the horizon... I leave you with the Mother Of All Pre-Battle Speeches....
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'
...sometimes, Ladies and Gentlemen, it takes a little Henry V to motivate the soul....
...well, how about this... heh... stranded on a desert island with such a fine group of people.... color me honored... only one worrying thing though... as with the crew of the Bounty... leaving a group of men like that alone with a group of women of that caliber... the result after 20 years of isolation would be fodder for an X-Files episode... in any case, I'm willing to give it a try... just show me to the boat, people...
...well, children... today has been a long day... a flight out to Middle Tennessee and back was... an adventure.... for those of you not in Tennessee right now, it is friggin WINDY!.... WHOO HOOO!... Magic Carpet Ride, indeed... man, I just love turbulence.. absolutely one of the coolest things around.... anyway, enough of that crap, I'll post more on today's escapades later.... a fellow netizen has asked me to link to their "Political Quiz"... well, I took it, and I'm sad to say that I am an Evil Commie Sympathizer Evil Archconservative... heh.. who'd a thunk it?...
...so, run along over to Don Hagen's place, and find out where you fit in the giant political scheme of things... it's worth a shot, and it's a good laugh...
...after telling my little story about how much that billboard pissed me off... I had an idea... so, I scoured the net looking for some billboards... so, here, my gentle ones, check out what I found for your enjoyment...
...and... just for you wonderful Women readers out there....
... gone are the days of quiet summer afternoons... hearing the gentle lilt of music coming from an approaching Ice Cream Van... where the children rush out to meet the sweet natured old man who drove through your neighborhood every day.... now, we get this...
"NEW YORK April 20 — A man who allegedly beat two competitors with a wrench in an attempt to take over their ice cream truck route was indicted Monday, prosecutors said.
Fernando Esparza, 51, was charged with attempted murder, assault and criminal possession of a weapon a large plumber's wrench in the March 27 attack on competitors Juana and Luis Marrero, Bronx District Attorney Robert Johnson said."
..charming..
...as I was on my way to Nashville yesterday, I pulled off I-75 at the Lenoir City exit.. I had felt the need for a chili-cheese pup from the Krystal there, as you do....
...well, I'm sitting there waiting for traffic to clear so I can cross the road, when I suddenly notice a huge billboard... with two lonely, but highly offensive words on it...
"SMOKERS STINK"
..right there.. on the side of the I-75... what a load of shit... I immediately yelled, "BITE ME, you Bastard!"... to which, my Mother... who was sitting in the passenger seat watching traffic.. said... "Pardon!?", in quite a genteel Southern Lady kinda way...... "Just look at that billboard.." I said.... "Who in the hell do these people think they are?"... She grinned, and replied... "Well, people who smoke DO have a different smell about them..."..... "Well, Mom.. there IS a difference... I mean... what if I put up a billboard that said something like... 'Chocolate Milk Drinkers are Ugly'... eh, what would you think about that?"
... anyway, you get the point... opinions are opinions... and, billboards should be used to advertise the location of the nearest McDonalds... and NOT to voice some closet Nazi's opinions...
...when I finally arrived at the Krystal, I couldn't even enjoy my Chili-cheese Pup... damn, I was mad....
...I am seriously thinking of renting the billboard next to it.. and posting my own message... but, I am torn between... "BITE Me"... "SHUT UP"... and, "Come over HERE and say that, you pathetic little Nazi..."
...I mean, c'mon.. how much could it cost to rent that billboard?... of course, if I DID put up a billboard saying something like.. "Hippies Smell", I'd be run out of town on a rail, I suppose... but, it is ok for those same smelly Hippies to tell Me that I STINK?... fuck them... cowardly little bastards...
...well, I saw this... and, I just HAD to put it up here... after all, isn't this site where you expect to find juicy tidbits such as this?... heh...
MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - A Mexican cook killed his drinking buddy, cut up his body and boiled him in herbs, according to police who fear he may have been turning him into tamales.
...incidentally, this is precisely the reason that I have never gone on a boozer with a Mexican chef... one can never be too careful these days....
...since Harvey thinks that my idea for raising money sucks, I think it is time for something different... and, with that in mind, I will leave it to you, dear readers, to come up with an idea... so, what would it take from ole SWG to get you people to open up your musty old wallets?... hmmm?.... more scar photos?... a mp3 of a Robert Service recitation?.... a confessional post about that night at the Raymond Revue Bar in London's Soho?.... perhaps a custom post on the topic of your choosing?.... c'mon... since my idea was so shitty, YOU people tell me what you want...
...and, Velociman, you sick fucker, nothing involving harnesses or lubrication...
...as the battle wages, a city and a civilization are being rebuilt... as people die in battle, so are bonds of friendship and cooperation being formed... help the Marines help the people of Fallujah...
..and, as a little added incentive to all of you... if I have at least ..three five people donate three five dollars or more, I will answer five three questions from each donator... as long as you sneaky people can prove you donated.... so... out with it... wanna know the secret of life?... wanna know what I had for dinner?... donate, and then spill it, people... you ask, Eric answers.... and, if you don't want to ask a question, but still want to donate, that's cool...
.... this is funny.... I'm sorry.. I really am... but, I have to admit that I laughed out loud...
"He was a big boy and obviously aroused," Alsop told the Sun newspaper on Thursday.
"He sidled up against us. The next thing I know he's banging away at the car and it's rocking like hell."
...the fearless leader of the Fighting Fusiliers of Freedom, John of Argghhh, has called me to action... and, I am proud to serve... dig deep, people... it's for a good cause.... help our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines win through to absolute Victory in Iraq... they are there, after all, to ensure we continue to live in peace and freedom... so, run along... and, thank you...
... I am a peaceable fellow.... not really prone to violence... but, I can totally relate to this gentleman.... I once, in an alcohol fueled fit of rage, attempted to bladerunner a fellow jarhead... nasty business... but, the movie is a bust.. eyes are a LOT harder to rip from someone's grape than they depicted in the film... what a let down....
... all in all, tis better to live your life having not lost any body parts... even if it was just a nibble... for this reason, I refuse to get that piercing I've been contemplating... is the doughnut whole without it's center?.. I think not, friends... so, with that said, there will be no market for SWG Doughnut Holes... I shall die, dear friends, with all my bits.... I hope....
...somehow, I have a feeling that this lady would have a friggin' stroke if she ever read my site.....
...what kind of sick bastards are they growing out in Montana?...
...this kind, evidently...
...arm yourselves, people... the world is full of psychos..
...hmmm... this article sure is an interesting morning read.... I guess getting inside someone's mind.. getting that "close" to someone... is kinda erotic... heh... word up, people... "sharing" is sexy...
"One survey found that 87 percent of psychotherapists (95 percent of men and 76 percent of women) admitted sexual attraction to clients "on occasion."
"The rest are lying. It's 100 percent," said Dr. Glen Gabbard, a Houston psychiatrist who wrote "The Psychology of the Sopranos" and treats therapists who have sex with patients. "
...well, I'm just sitting here trying to digest the excellent Veal Parmesan I had this evening... and, as usual... I'm listening to music, drinking Scotch, and reading blogs... but, what the hell, I'm in a sharing mood... the song I just listened to is worth letting you children in on.... so, I give you this... heh.... I'm sure that most of you, like I, have been here before.... enjoy.... oh, and this time, I'm including the lyrics.. so you can sing along, of course... so, take those cigarettes out of your mouths... charge up the lungs... and get to singing....
..written by Warren Zevon in 1987..
If you're all alone
And you need someone
Call me up
And I'll come running
Reconsider me
Reconsider me
If it's still the past
That makes you doubt
Darlin', that was then
And this is now
Reconsider me
Reconsider me
And I'll never make you sad again
Cause I swear that I've changed since then
And I promise that I'll never make you cry
Let's let bygones
Be forgotten
Reconsider me
Reconsider me
You can go and be
What you want to be
And it'll be alright
If we disagree
I'm the one who cares
And I hope you'll see
That I'm the one who loves you
Reconsider me
Let's let bygones
Be forgotten
Reconsider me
Reconsider me
And I'll never make you sad again
'Cause I swear I've changed since then
And I'll never make you sorry if you'll try
And I'll never make you sad again
'Cause I swear that I've changed since then
And I promise that I'll never make you cry
...Spring cleaning, people.... I updated my blogroll today.. so, if you fell off, please complain, and I will rectify... if you have linked me, and I haven't found you yet.. once again, complain, and I will rectify... if you aren't on there, and feel that you SHOULD be on there because you blog is so fucking terrific... you know the drill... complain, and I will rectify...
...after all, we're all about rectifying here at SWG....
...shit... I knew that taking this test was gonna... uh.. reveal... a bit more than it should... but, what the hell... you only live once, people.... so, which Betty Page am I?.... heh...
You're Nude Bettie. People see you as outgoing and
maybe a bit wild. Your often hyper and always
up for some crazy fun!
Which Bettie Page Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
.. yeah, I know I posted two quizzes back to back... so what?...
....courtesy of the Closet Extremist.....
You are Statler or Waldorf.
You have a high opinion of yourself, as do others.
But only because you are in the balcony seats.
ALSO KNOWN AS:
Those two old guys in the box.
SPECIAL TALENTS:
Heckling, complaining, being cantankerous
QUOTE:
"Get off the stage, you bum!"
LAST BOOKS READ:
"The Art of Insult" and "How To
Insult Art"
NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT:
Their pacemakers.
What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
...heh.... color me happy....
...go and check out Jake... he's killer.. but, remember, dear readers... be gentle... he's fresh from the blog-egg... hatched just yesterday.... so, even IF he only has one post up, he's up on his legs... get over there and visit... AND, he thinks I am "twiested"... whateverthehellthatis.... I dunno, personally.... but, it sounds preeeeeety damn kinky... enjoy, folks.... and have a good laugh... he's new, and he's gonna be hilarious.... hat tip to Big Stupid Tommy for the head's-up.....
...in my "About Me" page, I mention that I have enjoyed, on occasion, a skinny dip or two... usually at some local river or lake... sometimes, even in a swimming pool.... well, this morning, I read THIS... and, I have to tell you... it's a bit depressing... I hope that when I am 60 years old... I still have the ability to swing naked from a riverside rope... while accompanied by a female doing the same thing...
.... check this out.... an absolute lunatic... just another reason I carry, people... man, the world is FULL of crazy bastards.... and, you'd better be prepared to defend yourself....
....PETA should take a card from this woman's playbook... if you are gonna protest something.. and you are remotely attractive... then, don't hold signs and chant... the LEAST you can do is to be entertaining while you're protesting.... what the World needs is more nekkid protesters...
...dammit, people.. what the HELL are you doing here?.. Band of Brothers is on the History Channel.... get off here, and go read....
...that is all...
...G'night.... you bastards......
...well, hell... we've talked about Pandas and Otters already in the past few days, so why not talk about that damn mouse from CNN....
...136 years old... wow... engineered to live longer.... sorry folks, but I don't like where that is heading... pretty soon, they are gonna try that stuff on us... I don't think I WANT to live to be a 100... a nice, quiet 75 would be just fine with me...
..but, I do have to hand it to the writer of the article... I mean, just check out this sentence.....
"Yoda's cage mate, Princess Leia, is a much larger female who uses her body warmth to keep the dwarf mouse from freezing to death. "
..now that is just strange, man..... 136 years old... and only surviving because a big fat lady rat keeps him "warm".... poor mouse....
...BWHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA.....
""I don't think I've ever rowed harder in my entire life as I did trying to escape the otter -- that devilish creature had already attacked Scott and now it was coming back for more," said Noah Riner '06, who was in the second varsity eight at the time of the incident."
..hmmm... maybe if instead of "pushing" it back into the water with the oar, they'd have given it an almighty WHACK, it would have left them alone... but, I must report that no otters were harmed in the writing of this post....
Update: SWG does not condone randomly beating otters with oars... BUT, if one tries to bite me, I'm gonna thump it, rest assured....
....sorry, folks... but, I laughed out LOUD about this one..... the Belgians and Norwegians are getting seriously fucked... and, the way it sounds, not totally against their will.... mmmm.. Estonian Hookers.... sorry, folks, supply and demand, baby... supply and demand....
"Prostitutes take $35 an hour from Lithuanian citizens, while NATO troops are asked to pay $125 an hour," he said, calling it a clear case of discrimination. Prostitution is illegal in the country of 3.5 million residents. "
..yep... a clear cut case of discrimination... the bastards.... don't they know those Belgians are there to HELP?.... heh... then again.. maybe Belgians have enormous shortarms.. thus, the gross overcharge for the trouble... but, on the other hand, maybe they are just suckers....
....there ain't enough of it around anymore... so, thanks to Big Stupid Tommy for reminding us.... with this little story from Middle Tennessee... that, chivalry lives..
....today's quote comes from this article... an interesting little book review, if you care to have a read....
"Though sophisticated and highly trained, when they were faced with the prospect of discussing the history of masturbation with the students, many of them blanched. Coprophagia wouldn't have fazed them at all, sodomy wouldn't have slowed them down, incest would have actively interested them—but masturbation: please, anything but that."
I just found this over at Lawren's place.... heh...
Take the quiz: "Which American City Are You?"
Memphis
Belt Buckles and Boots. You'll give a hoot and hollar but you 'll never give up your core values.
...you know what?.. I've been sitting here for half an hour reading blogs.... and, the whole damn time, this little moth is flying around my room.... I can't take my eyes off the little bastard.... it goes to the window... it goes for the monitor.. it divebombs my feet... I suspect it is trying to sneak into my Scotch.... and, every time it gets near, I leap to cover my glass to keep it from stealing any of the Amber Nectar.... this shit is getting old.... time to die, mothboy... hang on a second....
...heh... he was easy... deadsky meatsky.. but, you know what?... I don't feel remorse... I feel quite happy... nature must have hardwired us to want to kill moths.... to need to kill moths... after all, they fly in such a retarded hap-hazard way... zigging here, and zagging there... hell, moths give flying a bad name.... now, mind you, if it had been a big ole green Luna Moth or something, I'd have let it go... but, being a small, grayish looking varmint, it stood no chance against the mighty Straight White Guy's Hand-O-Death.... still, there must be divine implications in this blog... to smite, or not to smite, I suppose.... big and green?.. you survive.... small and gray?... the smackdown awaiteth...
...but... sitting here now, I suppose that my deed does not bode well for my future... for, as surely as I have crushed the insignificant gray moth... on someone's list, I most likely am not a Luna... still.... there is no point in waxing philosophical about all this... after all, it was irritating me... so, fate demanded that it must perish by the smackdown... mourn not for the moth... it is the way of things.... heh.. ask not for whom the bell tolls, baby.... it tolls for thee....
...what is this world coming to?.... evidently, this would have been a crime even behind closed doors... man, that is just depressing....
"NEWPORT NEWS - A Newport News woman charged with a felony for receiving oral sex in a car is challenging a state law that prohibits certain types of sex between consenting adults.
A police officer says he found the 21-year-old woman in a parked car receiving oral sex from a man about 3 a.m. Jan. 29. Both were charged with a felony under the statute for crimes against nature. "
.... something has been bothering me about all this bloggin' business.... way back in the day... when I got my first link from Acidman, it was told it was an "Acidbath"... much like an Instalanche, only cooler and more prestegious... so, I have some questions for some of my blogbuddy heroes.. and, mainly, that is.... what do you call - correctly - a link from you bastards?
...for instance.. when Velociman links me, and I get hits galore... what is the term?... have I been Veliciman'd?... have I been Velociffied?... what?....
...and, Matt O' Blackfive... once again hits all over the place when linked.... so, what the hell, man?.... is it Blackfived?.... is it a Blackfive-a-lanche?....
...oh, and John of Argghhh... what in the HELL do you call it?... you have GOTTA come up with a name for the links you send.... have I been "ARGGHHH'ed"?....
...so, c'mon, bigdogs.. out with it.... if Rob gives an Acidbath, what do y'all serve up?
...I promise.... well.... maybe promise is too strong of a word.... this week... yeah, maybe that is more fitting.... anyway, Mr. Bad Example requested some more Zevon songs.... two of which are personal favorites of mine... ahhh *sigh*... the times that I have imagined myself walking into a gin-joint in Mombasa armed with a fedora, a pink carnation, and a Thompson Gun...
...oops.. sorry, where was I?.... drinking gin, no doubt.... anyway, here are Harvey's requests.... so, Ladies and Gentlemen... here you go....
....Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner...
....Excitable Boy....
....and, just because LeeAnn is such a babe, this one is for her....
....Werewolves of London... you rock on, LeeAnn...
...now, go away... time for Scotch, Lasagne, and Discovery Channel.... so entertain yourselves while I'm away... and, don't stain the carpet....
...I'm sorry, people... but, I've just gotta get this off my chest... Giant Pandas deserve to die... I'm sorry, but it is the truth.. I don't want to come across as cold hearted... I mean... yeah, sure.. .they are sweet looking... kinda cute... but, there is more to life than sitting around in a zoo looking cute... here are two things that I have found out about Giant Pandas lately...
..according to Tennessee Ruck, Giant Pandas are so damn lazy that they won't even get up to take a crap... that's just wrong...
..secondly, I just found this article... and people, any animal... ANY animal that has no interest in making whoopee... well... it's just a waste of friggin' space...
..so, in summation, any animal that (a.) rolls arond in thier own shit because of an attitude problem, and (b.) can't even be bothered to get off with a hot'n'sexy female Giant Panda... well, they don't deserve our tears, gentle readers...
...I am number friggin ONE on the google search for .... *wait for it*..... "PERT JIGGLING BOOBIES"... damn, I am so proud I could just fucking bust.... eat your heart out, Harvey.....
....I remember the first time I landed at the airport in Glasgow... Prestwick.. I immediately headed for the bar - as you do.... upon arriving, an elderly gentleman noticed my USMC uniform, and walked up... he said something to me totally unintelligble... smacked me on back, and bought me a beer... he musta talked to me for 15 minutes.... I never understood a word he said... I just smiled, nodded, and drank my beer.. he never quit talking though.. but, bought me another beer, slapped me on the back about 5 times during the conversation... and, the only word I actually understood was "Texas"... I guess that goes to show you how much some of the Scots appreciated and remembered either the Alamo, or our presence during WWII.. in any case, I gradually came to understand some of the local dialects.... I've got Glaswegian down... Aberdonian down.... although, Dundonian will forever be a language of mystery.... so, once again, in honor of Tartan Day... here are some handy Scots words and phrases for you to ruminate over... hell, maybe even throw them into your next conversation to add a little Caledonian Spice....
Blether: to speak indistinctly; to talk nonsense; to prattle on....
...usage: "He wouldnae shut up! He just kept blethering!"
Blatherskite: a babbler; a foolish talker....
...usage: "What a blatherskite... someone should smack'im"...
Glaikit: senseless; silly; giddy... pronounced "glay-kit"
...usage: "Yep, he sat there through the whole debate with a glaikit look on his face...and, the other guy was a keechie blatherskite"....
Keech: dirt, shit, to void yourself of excrement.... pronounced Key-kkhh
...usage: "What a load of keech... politicians have keech for brains"..
Footer: to bungle; to work hastily, unskillfully and in a manner that calls for contempt...
...usage: "Stop footering about, and write a REAL blog entry, you bastard!"
Foost: anything useless or needless; a dirty fellow, one who breaks wind
...usage: (directly from the Straight White Wife, "My husband is foosty")... actually, she's sitting on the couch reading these to me from a Scots dictionary... and, I think she's blatherskiting..
....so, y'all have a good night, Happy Tartan Day.... and, wipe that glaikit look off your fizzogs...
...further to the theme of Tartan Day... here are some fine examples of the Scottish wit... of which, the Straight White House has been lacking as of late.... so, in further celebration of everything Scottish, I raise my glass to you all...
"There is nothing the Scots like better to hear than abuse of the English"
Pope Pius II (1405-1464) after a visit to Scotland in 1435.... (heh... things haven't changed much over the years...)
"There are few more impressive sights in the World than a Scotsman on the make."
J. M Barrie (1860-1937)
"A typical Scot has bad teeth, a good chance of cancer, a liver under severe stress, and a heart-attack pending. He smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, and regularly makes an exhibition of himself"
Alan Bold (1943-)
"There is something in Burns for every moment of a man's life, good days and bad."
H.V. Morton (1892-1979)
"Rab C. Nesbitt: Know the best thing yi can say about Rothesay? At least it isnae Dunoon. What a gaff that is, by the way. All the atmosphere of the interior of a wardrobe. Built for the nuclear age. Only toon in the hemisphere to have achieved total meltdown of the human spirit. Even saying the name makes yi feel as if its started drizzling on the roof of your mouth. Dun-oon!"
Ian Pattison (1950-)
"Equality is the soul of Liberty; there is, in fact, no Liberty without it"
Frances Wright (1795-1852)
"There are two things a Highlander likes naked, and one of them is Malt Whiskey"
F. Marian McNeill (1885-1973)
...alright... all you Scots, and people of Scots heritage... get over to Absinthe and Cookies and have a look around... today is Tartan Day... a holiday which honors the signing of the Declaration of Arbroath on April 6th, 1320... a document which has shaped many political thinkers... even still to this day, it is recognized as one of the first "Declarations of Independence".... more importantly, it shows a kernel of the idea that... you owe your allegiance and loyalty to your COUNTRY... instead of your Master....
"For as long as but a hundred of us remain alive, never will we on any conditions be brought under English rule. It is not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom — for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself."
..Scotland is a small nation.. but, it's impact on the history of the World... the vibrant creativity of her citizens... and the gift of Single Malt Whiskey to all of us... is a debt that we shall never fully repay....
...Sláinte...
...oh, and I almost forgot.. here is a list of everyone who is participating... a fine looking crowd, if ya ask me...
Absinthe & Cookies
Ninjababe's Ramble
Jen Speaks
Frozen In Montreal
Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love
Grim's Hall
Miss Apropos
Jackalope Pursuivant
Accidental Verbosity
Right Wingin-It
Drowning at 2 Feet Sea Level
Straight White Guy
Hard Times
TacJammer
BabyTrollBlog
Triticale
Laughing Wolf
Da Goddess
ChristWeb
Mudville Gazette
I Love Jet Noise
Sekimori.org - Live Blog
Swanky Conservative
Arguing With Signposts
G'day Mate
Sketches of Strain
..Ladies and Gentlemen... Damen and Herren.... I am #7 on the AOLSEARCH for "Ladies Caboose"....WHOOO HOOOO!....
...sorry.. I just thought y'all might like to know... oh, and while I'm at it... the post it is referring to?..... well, it has one of my favorite comments attached... FAVORITE comments, gentle readers... by none other than the beautiful and talented Ms. Juliette... one of my very first linkers..... what did she say to that infamous post?.... pure poetry.... genius.... classic, friends.....
Darling Juliette.... do you remember?.... harumph.... probably not... but, AOLSEARCH does...... so, with all thanks to Time Warner for reminding me.... the comment was... and, in her usual cut to the bone way.... a more true comment was never made...
"It's always about the booty"...
..true, friends.... true.. it IS always about the booty... we may not admit it... but, it is...
...ever wonder what is going on in the blogroom here?.... no?... yeah, that's what I figured.... bastards... anyway... I'm listening to some more Zevon.. and, since Harvey wanted to sample some more of his penultimate collection... here goes...
"I was in the house when the house burned down"....
"For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer"....
and, the incredible...
...that's it, kiddies... that's all for tonight... but, stay tuned tomorrow for another post of requests... most notably "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"... and "Excitable Boy".... two more classic Zevon experiments....
...once again... young dreams are quashed by THE MAN.... young, budding entrepreneurs stifled... on the very cusp of turning a profit... what IS this world coming to?...
"Two 15-year-old boys were ordered Tuesday to pick up trash for the next five Saturdays for selling 18 pornographic DVDs for $10 each at St. Xavier High School. "
...and....
The boys told the magistrate they "wanted to make some easy money," and apologized for what they did.
...time for some linky love...
...just a few appalling confessions I've found today..
...the indomitable Key Monroe has scored a new low.. as you all know, I pride myself on my creative loafing abilities.. true laziness is an art... but, if you wanna talk sloth, she takes first prize...
...I have it on good authority that ole Jimbo of Parkway Rest Stop has been... how can I put this, Brothers and Sisters?... it's almost too horrible to mention... he's been GAMBLING!!...
...Agatha is overcome with LUST... pure and simple... the girl is a menace!!.. hide the chaise lounge... quick!
...Dax Montana... what can I say?... THIEVING again... pilfering a prized artifact... oh, the SHAME....
...the gloriously decadent Everlasting Phelps is telling LIES... LIES, I tell you... repent now, you fool, before it's too late!!....
...and lastly... Brothers and Sisters.... to all who are gathered here today.... I give you The Comment Party at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon..... sin by the bucket loads... quite literally.... a more lustful environment has never been created in all of cyberspace...
...now that you all have been warned of the evil, corruption, and moral degradation that exists in the blogosphere.... close down your internet connections immediately!... before it is too LATE!... I'm in too deep, but you can still save yourselves!!
..you ever wake up in the morning and look at your blog?... see the insanity of the past night of drunken blogging?.. and think to yourself...in a quiet still voice of soberness...
"HOLY SHIT! I gotta delete this post right NOW before my two readers show up!"
...so... you happily delete the offending post.. you know... the one where you told the story about the time you got caught diddling the Preacher's daughter down at the lake the time you got really, REALLY drunk... and, you are quite sure that no one saw the post... so, you commence the morning cruise of the blogroll.... only to find you left comments on other sites that consisted of highly intelligent one-word bits... such as..... "DANG!" ... "WOW"..... and, the ubiquitous... "Yep"...
..blogging drunk isn't always fun.. but, damn... it sure as hell provides for some interesting morning reading..
... an 88 year old man... diagnosed with a brain tumor... does this..... wow... I suppose that's one way to do it... but, what takes more Cajones?... to stay and fight the illness... or jump?....
"Joseph Harold Frost took off his safety belt at 300 to 400 feet, stood up in the open cockpit of the two-seat biplane and went over the side Monday.
The pilot tried but failed to wrestle him back into the plane and nose the aircraft upward to force Frost back into his seat.
"I think that was Dad's idea, to go out in a flash of glory," said Robert Frost, who had helped his father arrange the chartered flight on a biplane similar to the ones the elder Frost flew in World War II."
...hmmm... things to do in London when you're Dead.... always wanted to be on the stage?... but, had no talent?... well, never fear! ... now is your chance to be on the London stage! ...requirements? talents?... nahh... just show up dead, and you're a shoe-in...
"LONDON (Reuters) - Two performance artists are searching for a corpse for their newest production -- and have put the word out at hospices in hope of a volunteer.
The group, called 1157performancegroup, said it was trying to demystify the issues surrounding death with its new London production, "Dead...You Will Be"
...gotta love those Romanians... they do seem to demand quality... after all, if you pay for it, the last thing you expect is dawdling service...
"A Romanian man lodged an official complaint with consumer protection officials after accusing a prostitute of "not doing her best"."
...I'm a big fan of Art... music, writing, painting, poetry... all of it... the idea that some people have the ability to do these things is amazing.. expressing yourself with words... paint... or a musical instrument... I can't get enough of it... I understand as well that being surreal and avante-garde is what drives some artists... but this?... I'm afraid that it... as a work of art... is a bit over my head... I just don't get it.... then again, I've never blended goldfish either....
"COPENHAGEN, Denmark (AP) -- An artist with 780 gallons of red dye, three fire hoses and a 20-member crew at his disposal went to Greenland in search of a blank canvas large enough to accommodate his creative impulse.
The result is a blood-red iceberg now sitting off the country's western coast."
...best line of the article?... it's a tie between these two...
"The fjord is filled with hundreds of icebergs -- previously all of them white."
...and
"He invited guests to turn the devices on and someone did, grinding up a pair of goldfish."
...this is totally wrong... and, anyone who has ever lusted after Jessica Rabbit can attest to it... Marge?.... gimme a break... I can think of a whole host of toon